Crazedmerlie

Navidad Roto

2009-12-05T18:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas has always been my favourite ime of year because of the copious amount of love that exudes from everybody! Christmas, Myia's favourite time :-) She used to buy the biggest gifts to put under the tree and always got us really good expensive gifts! Christmas, for her was about the giving and the love we aall shared....

Myia loved putting up the christmas tree, and then we all had to decorate it together.....that always used to be fun....Then, putting up the christmas lights....lol....Oh gosh....one christmas, Myia lent this huge ladder electricians used and she had me hold this while she dangerously placed lights all around the roof....lol...She was wearing her favourite shorts and vest and doing all sorts of reckless things on that roof....lol...

She made christmas so wonderful for all of us.....she used to get me to sit under the tree with her so she could shake the boxes with her name and guess what they were....most of the time she was right!!...lol

Shopping together was soo much fun! The last christmas, Jnin, Myia and I went shopping and everybody was tryng to evade each other in order to buy gifts and Myia did one over on me:

We entered a store and Mys asked me if i liked a particular bag for Jens. I said i really loved it but it did not look like it could be for Jens! It looks like something i would really love to have. So she put the bag away because clearly it was not "Jen-like"...We got all that we needed at that store and we went to another one! Suddenly Myia cries out in dismay, "i forgot the bags in the other store!!!!" So she leaves Jenin and I and rushes to get the bags she left :-)On christmas day, we wake up very early and get to the tree to begin exchanging gifts. We hand each other our gifts and watch in amusement as they open them. Mys hands me this big box and kisses my cheek! I open my box and literally scream out in absolute delight and surprise- The Bag!!!!!! When she had supposedly left our bags in the other store, she had gone back for the bag! I screamed and shouted and hugged her so tightly....That day, i put all my other gifts in that bag and hauled it around everywhere i went....I think i would have cooked with it too, had she not said "Merls come on give it a break!!" lol

After our exchanging of gifts, Carmeno has to do the turkey, the ham and the fish and then we have to cut, chop, slice, stew and whatever else.....Christmas lunch is always hearty and filling.....After we eat, we hang out, laugh, sleep and just enjoy our time together.....

This happens to us every year and every year, we have fun because Myia is always so exuberant and ecstatic about the day.....

I woke up and it felt "christmassy" and i played christmas carols and cried.....I am dreading this christmas because i will not have the joy of the day....the big boxes under the tree, the harassment for us to go shake the boxes, the celebration....

Some years ago, Jenin was in England; it was the week before she had to come to St Lucia- Myia and I put on christmas hats, climbed the balcony and started singing Celine Dion's the Best of Times Album really loudly - Karaoke style.....lol....that was a crazy night!! lol.....The Flambeauxs were passing and we were singing christmas carols.....lol

Mrs Eugene says to celebrate in memory of her but its so awful because its not even christmas yet and this hole in my heart hurts so much, i feel like dying.....

Myia, i wish i wish i wish with all my heart, that you could be my christmas gift!! I love you so absolutely and i miss you so terribly.....

Happy Holidays Mys!!

Vivo de ilusiones.....

2009-10-31T16:43:00.000-07:00

I Hate
Dedicated to Myia A Samuel

I walked out on the blatant sharp image of your form
Absurdly thinking that you’d be gone

I married a land where we shared no moments
A place to escape the memories

But I sit under this tree at Brandon’s Beach-
A place we did not share

I stare-

at rain drops falling

I stare through the shads of water
And I see your face-

Laughing because we ate pizza on a beach like this

Filled with pride because I graduated from Secondary School

Smirking because you pasted my face with flour or toothpaste

Jeering because we wrestled and you won

Making faces to make me laugh

Asleep as your fingers travel through my hair

Smiling because you ate from my plate when I was not looking

I see you teaching me to write,

Helping me with school work…..

It seems,

The memories followed me here…

The hurt I could not bear-

Forsook me not….

The pain cripples

My tears…..the rain dribbles

Blood streams down my face
I grab, scratch and show no grace
I scream from the depth of my state
I hate I hate I hate!

Mys i cannot stop thinking about you...... the memories dont cease and the sadness is persistent.....At nights i dream of you laughing and alive and every morning, i regret being awake because i have the need to be with you, to hear your laugh and to hear your jokes- i hear you and see you in my dreams.....if only i could keep dreaming on for eternity.....if only.....sigh

I love you always
Merl

Retorcerse de dolor......

2009-07-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

The Loss of you
Dedicated to Myia A Samuel

Drown me in the ocean of anguish
That my hurt may be relinquished
And though I gasp in agony for breath
Let it be my death
For there is nothing as agonising as the loss of you

Stray bullets that dart?
Let them finally settle in my heart-
Tear through skin
Pierce through my heart film
For there is no pain that hurts more than the loss of you

Daggers aimed?
I beg you, do not miss
Slice me, cut me……let them maim
Let my blood sip from each gash
For there is no greater wound than the loss of you

Clasp your hand round my neck
Pores pant and perspire
Mock my desperation
Let my life retire
For who needs life with the loss of you?

Dead you are?
Dead I should be!

Dust you shall become?
Dust I should become!

For who can live with the loss of you?

It is three months today since you’ve been gone and the pain is ever present and unending! I miss you and I love you even through death!!

Love
Merl

Memoria

2009-07-07T17:21:00.000-07:00

Remember

Dedicated to Myia A Samuel

Once, there was a beautiful pearl,
Who painted pictures
Of flowers, hills, beaches and faces……
Do you remember?

Once, there was a gem
Whose voice was sweeter than any…..
Her voice fell upon ears like honey to an ailing throat
Do you remember?

I remember!

I remember, this rose different from all the others –
Her thorns pointed inwardly and so she exposed her humanity shamelessly
And loved unconditionally
Do you remember?

I remember this bird,
Flying upon each tree with genuine curiosity
Who mingled with danger just for experience
Who flirted with evil just for a second!
Whose curiosity heightened with each new moment…..
Do you remember?

I remember this care free spirit,
Climbing coconut trees, cutting her finger
Racing on the streets
Listening to contrary music
Jumping off cliffs fully dressed to experience the ocean
Thoughtfully carrying on with nature
Do you remember?

Do you remember a busy body
Who woke at dawn to go off to work
And who worked whilst everyone was asleep
The picture of dedication, determination and hard work!
Do you remember?

Hard worker yes!
But do you remember those gifts at Christmas?
The excitement in her eyes?
Shaking each gift with marvel?

Do you remember my birthday? Yours?
She made them special! She made them worth waiting for!

Do you remember the conversations?
Do you remember the laughter?
The joy we felt?
Do you remember the things she did,
That would drive a mad man crazy?
Do you remember the advice she gave?
Do you remember??

If I remember,
If you remember
If we remember
Then she can not be forgotten…..
If we remember, she will remain a part of each new moment……each new memory
She will grow with us…..
So remember, to keep her alive……remember

Another letter

2009-05-28T16:07:00.000-07:00

Dear Myia,

I hurt today, just like I did on 21st April! I hurt today because I had something to tell you and I couldn’t wait to call and then I remembered; and the news came just like it did that night! My heart began to feel heavy, my tears could not stop rolling down my cheeks! I do not measure other people’s love for you and determine how much I should hurt or cry! I just know I love you and I just know that although I told you I loved you the last time we spoke, I miss you…..

I said some things out loud tonight! Some things that I was feeling but could not say (I said them) and I do not feel better but I remember you and I am willing…….

I may not tonight, but Mys I am willing to pray……

I hope you knew how much I love you, how much I admire you and how I’d give my very life to sustain yours!!

I love you Mys and I am willing……

Always and forever
Merlie

To Myia

2009-05-16T20:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Mys,

Though it was abnormal not to get an email from you; I did not receive one on the morning of Tuesday 21st May 2009. I gave this not a second thought, thinking that you were just busy! Throughout the day when we did not hear from you, I prayed to God begging him, pleading with him because although I felt something was wrong in my heart, I did not want to acknowledge it… {you were fine, your phone, your laptop were all stolen…you were fine….}

Shock is not something a person can explain in words but when I found out the first love of my life died, I felt electricity pass through me, I felt my mind begin to go blank and I felt pain- pain, I can not begin to describe with trivial words….. Myia, my first love who taught me to do EVERYTHING… who taught me Spanish before I entered a secondary school, taught me poems from the Sunsong that she’d learned at the Convent…. The person who helped me with my project in Standard 4 on Vertebrates! The person who read Biology to me and taught me to play Chess…. The person who taught me to climb trees, to play basketball and table tennis…. The person who brought me on the most fun adventures…. The person who taught me to write (even that I can remember)…. The person who wanted me to be the best I could be and encouraged me to write….. the person who taught me that a little crazy was okay…. The person I’d call if I were having a bad day…. The person who I’d sleep next to for so much of my childhood… the person I gorged on chocolate and ice cream with… the person who taught me about make up, who stayed up late to watch movies with me… the person who wanted me to take care of myself…. The person who taught me to be ME…. THAT PERSON DIED??????

I learned my person died and I lost all sense of reality because I could not wrap my mind around the fact that YOU were dead because that would mean no more weird IMs to make me laugh, no more emails on the mornings and evenings, no more skype! This would mean I lost a faithful reader of my blog! This would mean that life has literally taken the breath that sustained me….

And so, my shock transformed into moments of insanity where I tried to hurt myself – and I know you would strongly oppose this because I am always supposed to take care of myself for you! But then I had no reason to do so because you died!!! I lost my favourite person who would never judge but tell me the truth in spite of my hurt and pig headedness.

My pain transposed into anger at God and I felt so much and I still do feel that you could still be at school text messaging, emailing and IMing but you’re not because our just God allowed you to be taken away……

Anger has never consumed me as much as this Mys and I can not let go of it and I know what you would say but I’d like to hear it from your lips!! I’d like you to reprimand me! I’d like you to send me more hairstyles from you tube so I would get styles to comb my hair! I want you to just send me songs and tell me to listen to them and say you’re going to stop sending but listen to one more, and then, just one more……

Life changes meaning when such a big chunk of it is taken away… Simple things have changed and so have the bigger things…. Food does not taste the same any more…. The job I used to love seems like a heavy burden I need to get rid of… my level of tolerance has dissipated…. My favourite colour has changed… my heart has changed and the music I listen to have changed…… Life for me makes no sense and God, I am angry at!!

Some days my mind does not work as it should and if you were here you would help me with that just as you helped me with everything else… it took such exactitude when God made the decision to bless our family, to bless me with you so that I could have a confidante who is irreplaceable! I would and I am forever willing to die for you! I wanted to kill anyone who hurt you but you were so good, so utterly forgiving and so contrary to human nature that you would tell me to let it go because you do not want to hold grudges because they were futile! I can not believe you are dead and it is almost a month……

People want it to be easy for us to get over you! But that shows that they did not know you because if they did, they would know the big impression you make on a heart when you tell people you love them everyday and when you make people laugh to a point of tears! My heart is weighing down and I know I need to move on but how is it possible?? Would it not be better if I passed and allowed you to keep on living? Mys you were such a beautiful person inside and out and though I am so wounded, so traumatised that you are gone, I know I told you I loved you and I know I told you, you mean the world to me and the small things you did made me happy, like emailing a picture of a canal thinking that I would love it!! You know me so well! You knew my sad face, my happy face, my smiles and my frowns….

How is it possible for me to live without the very definition of me? Who am I suppose to call? Who am I suppose to tell about my dreams? Whose opinions am I suppose to take with no questions? Myia, once you said it, I believed it because you were always the hero in my book…… Who can know me as you do?? I have no life support! I’ve lost my ventilator! I can not keep breathing… I can’t….

I do not know in what tense to write you because in my heart you are alive and well and I see you and hear you laughing but then there is this one memory of you lying in a casket that contradicts the living, breathing person in my heart!! I hate that you are dead!!!!!! I HATE THAT YOU ARE DEAD!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU DIE WITHOUT ME????? HOW COULD YOU DIE??????????????

I will never forget you and I will love you always
Merls

I am Afraid!!

2009-04-08T05:11:00.000-07:00

What time of day does a thief break into a house? I think it more plausible that if their intent is to steal, they’d probably show up during the day(the time of day) when they believe the house to be empty.

What kind of person then tries to break into a house when every living soul is definitely within the walls asleep in slumber’s embrace?? A rapist? A murderer? A mad man?

Last night, after devotion, I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I was deep in the arms of sleep when suddenly something – something non-human asked me to get up with urgency. Someone was at my window trying to get in and though my humanity assumed that it was just my mother trying to get me to open the door for her, something else told me to get off the bed.

I rushed off the bed and never had I been so afraid. The fear was not because of the fact that there was someone at my window (there were bars of course). The fear was derived from this question, at midnight, what was the person’s objective?

A thief comes in when the house is empty because their intention is to steal but who comes in when the house is filled?? Who comes in at midnight?? A murderer?? A rapist? A mad man??
That is what caused my fear because due to the bars which cover my window, no one can enter but what kind of man would try??

I got off the bed and I went to sleep somewhere else after we established that the person I heard was indeed trying to get in. I could not close my eyes because I kept thinking; Who comes to a house filled with people?? Faces kept flashing in my head and because I could not make assumptions, everyone provoked fear within me!.

From then, not knowing the individual’s aim has paralyzed me with fear!!

A thief would come into a house to steal so it is practical that he’d come when the house is empty! What kind of person tries to enter a house pregnant with life?? A murderer? A rapist?? A mad man??

I am consumed with fear!!

Ah well, have a wonderful day and be blessed!! Sayonara!

Mental Diplopia

2009-03-28T12:46:00.000-07:00

I sit upon an ocean of remembrance and I seem to be having memories of a person who appears to be me but can not be. Each memory flashes in my mind and sadness overcomes me. But I am not certain as to why. {These are memories but I can not remember them}

The memories are there but I can not attach my person with the pictures in my head. I know I am supposed to feel sad due to the profound emotion that these pictures compel but I do not know why!!

I can clearly remember my life as Malica, the daughter of Michael and Juliana. It is possible for me to give an extensive piece on my life from three years to the present. I know this person and I can connect with her.

But these photographs that have suddenly transformed my countenance into sorrow have nothing to do with what I can remember as me. They can not be thoughts because at that specific moment I was in a state of thoughtlessness; thinking of nothing when suddenly flashes of memory or thought began to take hold of my mind.

How exactly does that happen? Is there such a thing as past lives? And if there is, do past and present, at some point, meet??

A memory can be defined as a past experience that can be recalled or a fact that was learned being remembered. So can I really call the images in my head memories?? They certainly did not happen in this life (I think) What exactly do I call them then?? Thoughts?? Thought can be defined as an idea or notion, therefore I can not characterise these things as thoughts either!!

Does memory really exist if what one remembers never existed{to her}?? Can thinking be recognised as an act of ones own doing if flashes or pictures appear in ones head without the desire to “think”?

Ah well, have an awesome day and be blessed!! Arriverderci!!

Consequence

2009-03-14T11:44:00.000-07:00

I am standing at the edge of my mind and I can already see my fate:

I will be judged, found wanting and then I will be condemned. I will be imprisoned in the arms of the most treacherous flame and I will feel each degree of pain as the fire slowly, very slowly destroys the evidence of wretchedness.

As I stand at the brink of my mind, I see this and though it pains me to look at, I accept this as my fate! A well deserving one!
.

Ah well, have a magnificent day!!! Arriverderci!!

Compulsion

2009-02-27T14:15:00.000-08:00

Who can properly define love when the twists and turns are so many; so treacherous, painful, yet exhilarating!! What happens when a person decides to open their heart and allow somebody to caress the tenderest point of ones humanity?? There, at the point of touch the person makes the decision to either squeeze the most sensitive and vulnerable part of you to cause you the ultimate degree of pain or they can decide to gently massage your sensitive point until you can not contend with happiness any longer.

It takes a brave person to open up themselves like that and to trust- not knowing whether the one we have chosen, will puncture us or care for us! So why do we do it?? Why do we decide to place such a delicate thing in the hands of another?? Is it that we thrive on pain??? Is it that, we have been socialised into it and thus we know nothing more than to place our most private part into the hand of a human being?? Or is it that the idea of finding that one person to cause overwhelming happiness causes us to continuously hand our heart as if it were a party favour??

It is so difficult to decipher whether the heart is in a protected zone because, in an instant one is the recipient of such an incredible massage that it propels you into an orgasmic euphoria and there, you begin to believe that indeed happiness is possible!! You then become addicted and require more of this drug, so you make more of your heart available (you make yourself even more vulnerable) and that is when you feel the sudden surge of pain!! After you have become comfortable and more trusting- that is when the dagger is thrust into the heart and like a simple inflated balloon being pricked, the very substance that keeps the heart alive begins to slowly dissolve into absolute anguish!

After a season, you feel recuperated and the vicious cycle continues and through the pain, your only hope is that one day the orgasmic euphoria will be everlasting.

Ah well, have a splendid evening!! I bid you adieu! Arriverderci!! Sayonara!!

Smithereens

2009-02-19T16:59:00.000-08:00

The golden flames surround me and each attempt I make to escape the fire, I feel the heat closer to my face, my hands, my legs, my entire person….. the fire closes in on me and as it does, my breath becomes strenuous, and my heart begins to beat with such passion in order to escape the very present heat! My eye balls feel dry and thus, my eyes begin to burn and the dryness of my mouth causes my desperate tongue to leap out, hoping for the tiniest drop of life!! The flame snakes even closer to me and there is no specific place that I can hide because a better trap could not have been set. The flames, closer now, hairs begin to burn and I know this, not because of the sweltering heat that seems to suffocate my pores but because the smell of burnt hair in the midst of a fire is over powering. The flames now, uncomfortably close, begin to pierce through my skin as if it were tiny needles being inserted into every inch of my person at the same time. The fire penetrates my legs, my arms, my head and the heat has surrounded me to a point where I cannot properly define my self lest it be together with the callous flames. As the fire envelopes me, I feel the heat melting away at what seems to be just a film of flesh. Then, I feel the heat against my bones and as I begin to transform into ash, I could hear the fire so clearly now, cackling with laughter…..

I would have liked to close my eyes and imagine some one whose love was so much more powerful than the fire, walking right through to save me! I would have imagined this person’s heart burning more potently than the mere fire and as the person sees me being shredded by the monstrous flame, they’d step right into the very soul of the demon and rescue me from its embrace!!

But I have nothing in my possession that resembles rose tinted glasses and my own glass always appears half empty! Thus, I do not expect the self sacrificing love and I do not even pray for it because really, who deserves such love?? If such love were to exist from a being, I would have to negate the philosophy that I have always kept close to me; that all man is selfish and because of that there is nothing they can do that will be more disappointing than their mere humanity. So, after the fire, I will rest in my peaceful grave knowing that I have gone whence I came.

As a falling leaf from some tree, I shall depart from this earth and if, perchance one tear is shed, I say to you, if only for my mother’s I am grateful.

Ah well, Buena noche!!!

Misanthropism

2009-02-13T15:44:00.000-08:00

Let me close my eyes and imagine myself riding the folds of the ocean! Let me feel the tender breeze push me against it’s rhythmic pulse and kiss me with the uttermost passion! Let me feel the sun’s rays lull me to a point of peace! Let the oceans roar welcome me and let me forget that life can be the cruellest form of pain.

Let me forget that the overwhelming agony that flows through me is forlornness. Let me feel the wind, rough, now gentle, now rough against my desperate form. Let me get to the climactic point of forgetfulness and like a soothed kitten, let me fall in the arms of positive remembrance…..

Let me remember,

The butterfly kisses along my neck, the soft kisses upon my lips and the desperate need for another whiff of your humanity.

(But then again, our hearts were bulldozed apart and never can the pieces be recovered! Never can that particular moment be rekindled.)

I remember a time of family togetherness; where treasure hunts, family outings, jokes and all these were a normal occurrence. I remember being the crazy one who always found humour in everything. I remember the cousin I grew up with and thought of him as one of my greatest friends, I remember persons I admired in my family, others I could just hang out with and chill out and another one of them I could sit and talk comfortably about life’s sense of humour…… what beautiful memories these are!!!

(But now we have everybody with their own life and with their own families and the person you used to admire is miles and miles away, the closest friend is even further away, the cousin you used to do crazy things with is gone, the ones you used to cook with and play around the house with are out somewhere and the others who remain are too busy with their own lives to notice that you are still around. Families dwindle I suppose, it is a way of moving forward! Friendships become sore! People we love become sick and they die! )

Remembrance does not seem to be pulling me from the grip of sadness but rather it seems to be pushing me further into the death-like hold.

I feel a weakness in my soul and a deep desire to close my eyes! If I close my eyes, I will be permanently placed into the bosom of sleep and I would no longer be part of life’s twisted sense of humour.

We meet new people and we fall in love, but then what’s the point if they are going to move forward and leave you behind? It seems that way to me though, that whilst everybody is mobile, I am the stationary island in the midst of the ocean- waiting for the tiny thrills from the winds attempt at love making..

I am an island!!

Ah well, until we meet again!! Sayonara!! Arriverderci!! Adios!!

Consummation

2009-02-03T15:35:00.000-08:00

Last night, I dreamed that I was writing a book and in my fairytale subconscious the book was incredibly well written with the right twists and turns and I even surprised myself. After a few minutes, I slightly shifted from slumber’s embrace and I could still remember what the book was about so I promised myself that when I was fully awake, that I would begin to type up the ingenious information that was over powering my dreams.

However, when I got up this morning, I could not remember what the book was about. Though my desire was there to write, I had lost the gift that had been given so freely yet so sparingly.

It seems that is how life works for us though! We are offered something great, something that could drastically transform our lives for the better and we hesitate! When we hesitate – we blink, we take a moment to consider – as speedily as the gift was revealed, it more quickly disappears.

How many gifts did we allow to slip away from us? How many good ideas did we delay until we forgot what they were?

I remember wanting so many things! I remember these desires being so close that I could literally taste them. But with my hesitations and constant thinking about the pros and cons, these desires, these dreams have gotten away from me.

If I had woken up to write that book, do you think my world would have been different?? Or at least my opinion of myself?? But then again, if I had gotten up, my heightened pessimism would have inhibited my creative juices.

My dreams are drifting away from me and soon I will be one of these people who are permanently drenched with the desire to be bitter.

Let not your dreams, and desires be tiny specks that aimlessly move about the universe! Before the idea is even visible, grab and wait for your transformation! Do not be hesitant and allow things to slip away because when they do, all you have is nothing but a stagnant existence!

But the reception of the dream rocks the boat, even a little and thus makes us more contented!

Some of us are living in this two by four existence and sooner or later we will be suffocated by the desperate need we feel and the lack that is so obviously filthying up our lives.

Do something about it!! Dream! Desire!! And when a speck of light passes your way, grab it so that you can be illuminated and so your life can stop being the rut we all know it is. It is important that we light our hearts up because then it is sustained for another season. Hold on to the light!!

Ah well, have an evening filled with goodness and absolute joy. Adieu!!

Contrition

2009-01-22T16:48:00.000-08:00

Pierce through me with a sword and watch me bleed! Bury me and let me no more gasp for breath! Torture me, and let not a sound escape my lips! Poison me and let me die alone! Cover me with hate and watch me shrivel into nothingness! Chop me, slice me and feed me to the dogs and let me not whimper!!

I deserve it all! I deserve it all because my humanity some times causes me to forget! My humanity causes me to become frantic, overwhelmed and stressed!

Yes, indeed I’d like to take on the world! I’d like to heal you from sickness! I’d like to bury your pain in the sea of forgetfulness! But my humanity restricts me! My humanity makes me feel things, think things, regret things!!

I may say I am sorry and I may try with all my heart not to disappoint you again! But chances are, I will forget again! Chances are, I will feel overwhelmed again and I may not remember!

So if you fear a bigger disappointment, pierce me, whip me, kill me and bury me!! I get angry about incompetence but I put little faith in people so I am rarely ever disappointed! But I do know how it feels when I disappoint myself! And I loathe the feeling more than anyone can allow themselves to imagine.

I APOLOGIZE! But then how can you not possibly think, that if it were you, you’d not forget! Even though my excuse was that I had eight classes for the day and I had to take up assembly for the morning! Even though my excuse was that I was stressed out! The point is, I remembered mine, so why did I forget yours???

Do you really think the intent was malicious? If you do, you do not know me well enough! Some things I remember and you’re happy for the moment of remembrance but the things I forget you keep locked in memory!

So with my cramping muscles, my throbbing head, my sore feet, my watery eyes, I apologize and ask not for forgiveness but that you bury the disappointment I have caused you deep within the walls of forgotten or you tip me over into a furnace that will quickly enflame me and thus, I’d have paid for my humanity! Either way, I ask that you do not allow my act of disappointment to fester upon your soul like a decaying sore because soon the filth will begin to infest your being!

Ah well, whatever you do, be blessed and have a good night! Arriverderci!!!

Desired Dementia

2009-01-19T15:08:00.000-08:00

How does it feel to go utterly insane? Can one define their emotions? Is insanity an escape from life’s reality? The insane, who hallucinate and see everything with rose petaled glasses (Oh how I envy them) The insane, who walk around living day to day with one specific memory! The insane who vacation at a special childhood experience in their heads! The criminally insane who visualize murder as necessary and thus, don’t feel the guilty stains of regret!

Perhaps if I were insane, I would have a box to place all my bad memories! Perhaps if I were insane, I could stand in the middle of the grounds at the school and scream my head off!

The insane are privileged because they can walk around and do as they please because they have been deemed insane. How rich, I’d feel if I were deemed insane!!! That would give me an excuse to decide to climb up the top floor of any building and fly away or jump off some bridge in search of lifelessness!!

The feelings I have inside are feeding on my very soul because every time you hurt me, and shut me down, I feel so much that words have become null!! You ask me what is wrong and I can not tell you because I hurt, I hurt all over!

If I were insane, I’d not use words!! I’d pull my hair out from the vey roots!! I’d burn my eyes out!! I’d cut my heart out and shred it to pieces!! I’d bang my head against a wall and watch my brains sip through the cracks!!

But, I am not insane, or rather, I have not been labelled as such!! So I have to face the stabs I get by your wordlessness!! I have to endure the pain!!

Why is it so difficult, for me to stay in the memory of cookies and milk on a rainy day, lying on the living room floor under bed sheets with my cousins? If I stay there, I will forget you, the commitments and you, the love and you, my students and you and you and all else!!!

The insane…… So privileged you must be!! Each of you is slumbering in one part of your mind and damn your soul! Damn your emotions whilst I wallow in the reality of my emotional horror!!

Ah well, have an evening filled with goodness!!! Adios!!!!

Self Crucifixion

2009-01-17T11:23:00.000-08:00

When did I become the person who relished in aloneness rather than with human contact? I look back and it seems as if who I am now is who I have always been! But there is a distant memory or a dream; of this young girl who loved to laugh, hang out with friends and enjoy life!

Which of the two is really me? I am the person who does not smile much because I think, “what’s the point, you’re going to speak ill about me anyway!” So I do not smile any more and I am not as friendly.

If it happened, that I indeed possessed this affable demeanour, then my mind and heart have been through an absolute transformation in which my trust for people has gone way below zero and my love for them is non-existent!

I find refuge in closing my bedroom door and wandering along life’s journey in my mind. I have come to hate conversations because these more often than not, end up in a quarrel or a friend gossiping about what one may or may not have said.

I feel comfortable in being alone! I feel comfortable knowing that at some point I may die. Some days I lose myself and I smile too long and I have many conversations and later on, in my refuge of silence, I scold myself!

I told my students last week that it was important for them to be nice to everybody because they can not possibly know what the future will bring.. I gave them that piece of advice, not because I believe it but because it could make a few of them, a much better person than I am.

I used to think that I was good, until my love for life and people slowly began to diminish! Perhaps this person I see in my dreams, smiling to all, being funny, always laughing was me! But at some moment, myself separated from me and left this dried up excuse for a human being.

I want that person back but I find it difficult to reunite with her since I have barricaded myself! And if I decided to break down those barricades, I will no longer be safe and that scares me!

So, I will dream until finally this epitome of bliss is crucified by my own soul and all I will be, is what I already am.

Ah well, take care until we meet again! Arriverderci! Adios! Chao! Au revoir! Ja ne!

Displacement

2008-12-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

I walk in the midst of hundreds and I feel alone and disoriented! My mind works a hundred miles per hour and I hear every body around me speaking – bees buzzing as they move along; annoyingly.

Lips moving quickly! People, rushing here and there, with one purpose - to find what they are looking for.

I can hear their footsteps, as they walk hastily to this place, then that place…

These bees are becoming blurry as they rush pass me, not noticing that their very movements have nauseated me…

My thoughts are lost in some deep abyss as I try to keep my feet grounded and these bees keep buzzing pass me, their different scents – good or bad – aggravating the walls of my stomach and all I desire to do, is to heave out the breakfast I had missed….

Seeing that my tummy was empty, I could feel the rhythm of pain, as my insides try to expel my internal organs on to the streets…..

My heart thumps into my ears and my senses become utterly confused! My very heart has lost its rhythm and I can feel it literally racing within me with fear…..

With such panic within, my heart slowly begins to disappear from itself and my breath becomes laboured and all I am able to do, is walk…..

All I need is to walk away from the human hive and be alone, so that my thoughts may marry and become real….

So that I may be able to smell without tasting the stench and feeling the odour actually rotting my soul…..

I’d like to walk in the direction, where alone is really alone! Where the heart is able to keep a steady tune within that may even lull me to an imaginary beach of silence… A place where I can smell the breeze and identify the singular beauty of a flower….

I hate crowds! I hate mingling amongst people who I do not know and do not care about…..

I enjoy the sweet silence of aloneness and the calming sounds of quiet…. I love the occasional meeting of a dear friend but I simply detest the rowdy, boisterous, unemotional human contact…..

So forgive me! Forgive the fact that noise weakens my senses and destroys my nerves. Forgive the fact that strangers, compel fear within me…..

I simply hate the concept of being lost amongst unknowns and dying without the idea of an effortless thought……

Ah well, buenas noches todos personas! Good night to all!गुड निघत तो अल!! ಗುಡ್ ನಿಘ್ತ್ ಟು ಆಲ್!!Bon Soir! Gute Nacht!

Personation

2008-12-13T10:28:00.001-08:00

Who am I? I am always a replica of everything and nothing at once! I seem to be a mirror and all I am is a reflection of something else.

Some days, I am almost certain that I am a teacher but I think I act according to my environment.

Some days I think I am crazy and other days I am not!

I have not been properly defined as a human being. I love to write, but that does not make me a writer! I love to read, but that does not mean I am intellectually sound! I love to sing and I love the guitar, but I am neither singer nor musician.

Who am I? I can not define myself! I can not tell you who I am because I am not yet properly characterized.

I have a see through existence, magnifying other people’s lives and taking it up as mine for a season.

This existence is empty, yet filled with your glory! This existence is emotionless, but loaded with your bottomless feelings. I am expressionless, however, your ability to drip poetry from your core makes me pregnant with expression.

My reality only reflects – what a way to live life, being only a reflection of something but really, being absolutely nothing in the process of mirroring everything!

I’d like someday for that existence, or rather, the lack of it to melt into the deep ravine of obliteration and I’d like to be fully able to give a definition of me! Because at this point, if you ask me who I am, I can only answer; “I am you and you and you and you” never really being me.

Or, is it that a piece of each of you, has already defined me? Is it that, I needed each of you to become who I am?

Who am I? I am you and you and you and you and me!!! As I have encountered each of you, I have become ME!!! Pieces of you have brought me together in a beautiful and unique symphony!!

Who am I? I am Me!!

Ah well, have a fabulous day!! Arriverderci! Adieu! Adios! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Auf wiedersehen! Farewell!

Sufferance

2008-11-28T15:48:00.000-08:00

I have to sit there and take this because I am a child of God?

Well aren’t you?? Aren’t you a child of God?

You profess to be one! Yet you asphyxiate me with your gossiping tongues and you cut through me with your judgemental eyes! (Last week, I am sure you preached that judging was left to God! I am sure, the week before that you said something about identifying the “mote” in your own eye before you try to talk about somebody else’s! I am sure you preached….)

But at this point, you are dissecting me, as you would a pathetic, worthless frog!

At this point, you are allowing Satan to cover your thoughts, and you call it Godly!!

If it were up to me, I’d burn your eyes out for your vicious seeing!

If it were up to me, I’d cut your tongues out for your malicious gossiping!

If it were up to me, I’d peel each of you like a fruit and place you in the sun and watch as it enflames you…….

If it were up to me, I’d take your ashes and use it as a symbol for your children and your children’s children…..

If it were up to me…..

But it is not!!!!!

And so,

With your words and your beliefs, you threw me into the dark hole of nothingness!

With your looks, you drowned my personality and left a rock hard, hollow shell!!

So how can I walk uprightly at this point?? How can I walk into the house without bearing shields?

I think you are hypocrites!

I think you are devious little creatures who do not even deserve to eat, even from the very faeces of the devil!

I do not want to enter your house knowing that you stabbed me! If Caesar, Augustus Caesar hadn’t died, you think he’d let Brutus into his house? You think he’d sit with Brutus and enjoy a sanctified meal??

It is not about forgiveness! It is about trust and you shattered the refuge I felt amongst you!

You have spat on me with your acidic spit!

You have strangled my heart with your thorny caresses and your jaggered hugs and silenced the very core of my existence!

I can not yet walk into the fold without drawing my sword, so I choose to stay away for a season because I choose not to wallow in the mud like pigs do! I choose not to be like you!!

But do not think, you have kicked me out! I will return, with my sword at my side, I will return to the fold of hypocrites and liars who believe they are heaven bound!

I will return to watch as you, Sadducees and Pharisees burn from within…..

But as i watch (sigh) let your very breath destroy me so that i may live no longer in sufferance!!!

Ah well. to all, a good night!! Buenas noches! Gute Nacht! Bon soir!

Acquiescence

2008-11-18T12:57:00.001-08:00

Before I die…..

Before my body begins to melt into the dust that it came,
my heart would have lost every ounce of life.

But I suppose, that is the definition of true love; being strong enough to have hurt slice through you like a fine blade and still one continues swimming in the gutter that is pregnant with dangerous and deadly substances.

Being so strong, that when your love opens their mouth and daggers begin to fling at every corner of your heart, you do not acknowledge the pain and remember that you do truly love…….

Being so strong, that when they beat upon your heart you can ignore the agony and listen to the music!

Allow them, to spit on you with filthy words and accept their filth with open arms.

Watch their two edged tongue pierce through you and see even your blood dripping with fear and remember that you are bleeding for love…..

Feel the pain…

Savour it!! Allow it to linger a while and remember that even though, even though there is no part of you that does not hurt, it is worth it…….

Worth it?? Yes, worth it!! Do not ask me why; It just is!!!

I think I am strong enough to bare love because what else is there to do?

Wither away in the valley of loneliness?

Get lost in the vast abyss of desperation?

No! I am strong enough to feel the agony of true love and begin to accept it as part of me!!

Thus, I choose to watch my heart as it is bludgeoned to death……In love, true love!!!

Ah well, have a pleasant evening!! गुड बाय! ಗುಡ್ ಬೈ! ഗുഡ് ബൈ! குட் பாய்! ! Arriverderci! Ja ne! Adios! Addii! Au revoir! Adieu! Bye!

Metamorphosis

2008-11-14T16:11:00.000-08:00

I must have done something wrong in my childhood to grow up into this person! I must have told a lie or stolen some important secret! I must have done something wrong! Because why else would I hand my heart over to the devil, when I knew he’d molest it, rape it and destroy it!

I remember, one day at the age of eleven, I woke up and I was different! My eyes saw a different complexion, my hearing enhanced and my thoughts were brilliantly coloured! I found beauty in the oddest places and love in the most painful…..

That’s why I did not choose to fall in love with you but that’s why I did! What would be more painful than falling in love with a person you could never have?

Why does one jump into a fire head first unless they believe it is home?

The fire is familiar to me because I transformed my heart into the devil’s armour so long ago. Why not sit upon the throne of raging coal? Why not drink of the searing lava? Why not bathe in the piercing flames? Why not smell as the fire burns through me and transforms me? Why not love you?

The pain….. Sweet pain, causing even my core to tremble! (sigh) This is home!!!..

The purpose of fire is to refine, to purify! So soon I will be refined! Right?

But at the end…

When the flame has died away and my impurities disappear, who will I become? Whose will I be? What will I be without the pain that causes even silence to whimper??

Ah well, have a marvellous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Sundered

2008-10-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

Holding hands and being silly! Kissing, you hated but with me, you said you were sharing your soul…

With each kiss, our minds, our bodies and our hearts combined…

Some days, I stand before my class, open my mouth and you leap out…. Certain things I would not do, I do now; because we had become one! A one in which we did not know how to begin and end without the other……

I shared my thoughts, my dreams and you shared yours and then, our dreams became entwined…. You never opened your mouth unless you said “we” or “us” and future plans were made automatically…….

Our entangled hearts were being lifted to the stars as we became us….. It was a beautiful transfiguration and believe it or not, it was my first….. Never had I been anybody but me until you….

I could not define myself without you and you could not without me…..

Blood of my blood….

Flesh of my flesh….

Bone of my bone......

Heart of my heart…..

You and I became us….

Then, a knife sliced through us and I lost me or you, I can not exactly differentiate! I became a lost fragment of some whole!

So I lay in the dark, bloody and confused!! Who am I?? Why am I feeling like part of me was ripped out??

I am healing but I am no longer whole….

Ah well, have a wonderful day! Adios! Adeus! Arriverderci! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!!

Dissolution

2008-10-29T14:40:00.001-07:00

Are death and the desire for disappearance synonymous?? I do not believe in taking anyone’s life, not even my own but some days, I long to disappear! Simply vanish from all the hurt!

Does it sound selfish for me to say such a thing? My person is being suffocated with love and then suddenly being deprived of it…. My life is pregnant with hurt, then unimaginable agony…. My life is filled with laughter yet, empty and without form….

Some days, I imagine myself floating away on the waves of a vast ocean and simply feeling the wind caress my face and nature, speaking to me soothingly…. I think I’d like to feel the waves against my healing heart as I slowly travelled along (Perhaps even becoming one with the ocean)! As I travelled, my thoughts would cease to exist and my heart, numb (almost like a balloon floating with the winds; there is no particular direction and not one sudden thought or care in the world)

I do not want to die….

Or maybe I do! But I do not want to take my own life away! Nor do I want it taken away in a treacherous, bloody way! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if death were a vacation from hurt, painful thoughts and a dark soul? But come to think of it, it is…..

I love my friends and family and I need them in my life! But for a little while… Just a little while allow me to disappear from the pain, the sadness, the loud silence, the agonizing non-touches, the scalding non-kisses, the harsh quarrels, the meaningless I love yous and yet, the ones with too much meaning…..

Allow me to flow with the currents, upon the sea of forgetfulness! Lethe, I beg of you let me drink of you so that I may become thoughtless, painless, soul-less…. If only for a moment, grant me sweet forgetfulness and allow me to vanish from all…. Only for a season….

And after the vacation, after the peace, let life’s misery slap me like a lost ghost……

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Healing Heart

2008-10-24T17:43:00.000-07:00

What is the word that describes an incident that has gone far beyond memory? Forgotten? No. Further than forgotten. In the past few days, I was able to patch up the pieces of my broken heart with band aids and bandages. You may have considered it, a state of false consciousness, but I was happy. (Sort of)

Throughout this week, my happiness, was to a point, genuine. Then, you asked me to forget a simple thing and I was hurt. I was hurt because to you, it was a simple request but to me, you had further diminished the meaning of our memory.

I chose to disentangle my heart with yours, no matter how agonising and no matter how many scars were visible. I take your words as you fling them, I take your attitude as you asphyxiate me with it! But now, you have the audacity to ask me to forget? When memory is all I have? You want me to forget, passed forgotten!!!! If I close my eyes and ask that one thing never exist then another will vanish until finally, no memory is left.

You asked me to forget so i responded, "Sure, why not forget it all!" and you dare get hurt because of my tone?? If you want me to forget one, why not forget all?? Why not forget the goodmorning kisses?? The sexy talk over the phone? why not forget it all?

But of course I can not. Not a small aspect of memory can be forgotten. Please do not ask me to forget, even passed the point of forgotten. My heart is slowly patching up - the bandages keep the pieces together. But i need the memories, ALL of them! So that I do not forget that inspite of everything, I am still me!

Ah well, have a marvelous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Illusive Heart

2008-10-20T15:19:00.001-07:00

We have multitudes of conversations where you speak, and then I, then I cry and then you.... This gets old after a time! Especially since every deep conversation we have is like literally yanking teeth from your mouth.

So after last night, where you expressed yourself enough to say that you missed me and that you hate the fact that I blog about our private business, we closed the chapter on our bitter sweet love that was always expected to be temporary.

Last night was the ending to a very difficult book....

This morning, I awoke from my bed and my wretched broken heart was yanked from within and replaced with a mirage - an image of a painfree, well formed heart. I may have been in a state of euphoria but i refuse to face reality at this point because I am happy!! (sort of)

My heart that was yanked from me seem to be floating in the valley of obsoletism and I can not seem to care! The fact that my heart was yanked from me, has placed me in an absolute state of anesthesia. I hear you speaking to me with your distant, echoing tone, I respond as I move from cloud to cloud... unfeeling, oblivious to anything real! I am in a state of semi-consciousnesss!!

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Bloody Teardrops

2008-10-18T11:26:00.000-07:00

I informed my friend that I was being hurt by certain acts that were being performed by them and my dear friend proceeded to inform me that, really, if I were hurt I would be crying by now, so clearly the hurt is null and void. I paraphrased, but that was the essence of the statement.

Am I supposed to believe when you say "I love you?" when your actions clearly state something totally opposite? I expected with the very long conversation we had sometime ago, you would understand when I am being selfless! You would understand the fact, that I care so much, that I'd prefer your health over spending actual time with you. I hope you'd understand me enough to know, that I need you to be hopelessly happy and it affects me, when you are affected. Do you not know how happy it makes me to talk to you? But then again, what is the point of telling you this?!

Today, my error was, I thought of your health and you thought I was brushing you off. My friend, you can not see the external tears, but my heart is overwhelmed with bloody tear drops. These tear drops have burned within me because each acidic drop feels like a two sided dagger rushing through my veins.

Do not think that my external tears has more meaning, than my internal ones. I wish my salty tears would fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks! I'd feel better. But since the pain comes from deep within, I have no choice but to tear up from within myself! Your words swiftly lash from your mouth and stab at my heart! You want to see the damage you've caused? Look inside me, do not wait for the tears.

Because inside, you will see a chopped up, bloody mess! The heart- my heart, is to the point of non-existence! So one day, I will become more than sad, my tear drops will end and I will become an unemotional, empty shell! Wait for it.... One last stab and I will be done away with....

Ah well, have a wonderful day! Adios! Adeus! Arriverderci! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!!

Flourishing Envy

2008-10-15T13:15:00.001-07:00

I sit here, reminiscing about the stolen kisses, the holding hands and the laughing until our sides hurt. These times were exceptional! These days, I was almost certain you were mine! Days we used to spend together, "dates" we used to go on! Remember the restaurant by the beach? No, you would not! You do not dwell in the past!! But those were the days I could have almost admitted that you were mine.

But right now, sitting on the throne of cold reality, I can say that you were never mine! And though you were never really mine, I realized something about myself that made me stop and think...

Though your transition was an easy one, I saw you today, and my heart became a complexion it never had been when I was almost certain you were mine!

Yes, we agreed to change the dynamics of the relationship, and I am so glad that you are happy! But in the process I have totally lost my grasp on "it" - the thing we had that nobody else around had!!

I never expected to lose you and you may not even believe that you are lost to me! But my green heart growing from deep inside the pain I feel, portrays the fact that indeed, I have lost you... (If I have not lost you, I am so intensely threatened by everyone, that I will lose you!)

Yes, we do still laugh but you have pulled away almost everything that makes us, us (So what do I have to hold on to? A small dose of your conditional love?) [Ah those fights that used to make you seem so sexy] and this jealousy that has grown out of my humanity, is not who I am! So, from this moment, I give you up with the hope that at some point, you will notice that I am what you need! But then, if you never return, at least one day, my green heart will wither away and die!

Ah well, have a marvelous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Thoughtlessness

2008-10-13T13:35:00.001-07:00

With my joints creaking and my shoulders drooping, I sit before my computer feeling that the very life was drained out of me! With my eight teaching periods today, perhaps I have a right to feel exhausted! But it is more than exhaustion! My body feels beaten, haggard - almost too old for the soul that lives within! But really, what is the soul? In the Bible, the soul is synonymous to the breath of life (In the Old Testament the Hebrew word for "soul" is nephesh. Nephesh means "a person," "breath," or "soul" or "life." ) but to human beings it means something totally different!

To most humans, the soul is a living aspect! I have heard such statements as "the body dies, but the soul lives on" So, i figured, why not look up the definition! This is what I found; Soul -
The animating and vital principle in humans, credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often conceived as an immaterial entity.
The spiritual nature of humans, regarded as immortal, separable from the body at death, and susceptible to happiness or misery in a future state.
The disembodied spirit of a dead human.
A human: "the homes of some nine hundred souls" (Garrison Keillor).
The central or integral part; the vital core: A person considered as the perfect embodiment of an intangible quality; A person's emotional or moral nature: A sense of ethnic pride among Black people and especially African Americans, expressed in areas such as language, social customs, religion, and music.
A strong, deeply felt emotion conveyed by a speaker, a performer, or an artist.

Wow, soul is really pregnant with meaning! But then if our soul is the emotional, the moral, the vital core and "the disembodied spirit of the dead" ???? Really???? Then what is the mind?
This is what i got for MIND -
The human consciousness that originates in the brain and is manifested especially in thought, perception, emotion, will, memory, and imagination.
The collective conscious and unconscious processes in a sentient organism that direct and influence mental and physical behavior.
The principle of intelligence; the spirit of consciousness regarded as an aspect of reality.
The faculty of thinking, reasoning, and applying knowledge: Follow your mind, not your heart.
A person of great mental ability

I remember reading somewhere that, the soul is the place where we feel pleasure.
The mind is the place where we calculate how to receive the pleasure. Would it not be easier for us, if we believed that the soul were indeed our breath? Then clearly, the mind would be where the thought processes, the moral aspects, the emotional and all of that occurred!!!

My confusion about the mind and soul began seconds after typing the first few lines!! I was about to state that my very soul felt exhaustion!! But then again (thinking with my mind, here) How could my breath be tired!! So in my effort to tell you how exhausted I am, I have bored you to a point of no return!! But really, my mind is rather drained!

Ah well, good bye! Ciao! Arriverderci! Adeu! Ja ne!

Iced Heart

2008-10-11T11:33:00.001-07:00

My friend who was able to switch from Eros to Philia is now as cold as the Arctic! My friend believes that the friendship that was present before the Eros is still there! But I think that my friend is trying so hard with the Phillia love, that it has now become completely frigid.

A few minutes ago, my friend suggested "Malica, I am trying to be nice to you but you are being so difficult!" I informed my dear friend that if they had to "try" then please stop! My friend replied, "You are taking try in the wrong context!" So I decided, okay, perhaps I am taking the word in the wrong context so i decided to look it up; TRY - 1. To make an effort to do or accomplish (something); attempt: OR 2. To taste, sample, or otherwise test in order to determine strength, effect, worth, or desirability

Perhaps I should take it like this, you are determining whether I am still worth the effort, hence the use of try! Or, you think it rather tasking and difficult to be my friend- which was apparently so easy to do last week when you informed me that Eros flew out the window and Philia walked in and took its place! (No sweat)!!

So what other context is there?? Perhaps my friend did not have such an easy transition from Eros to Philia! Or, perhaps still, my friend finds it better to further transform from Phillia to Frigid love! But honestly, when I try being nice, that means that really I am not actually nice! But, perhaps I am taking this out of context! Maybe try has a different meaning! A meaning the dictionary I used, was not familiar with!!

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Heart wrenching Day

2008-10-09T14:11:00.000-07:00

My friend describes birthdays as days that simply reminds a person that they are getting older and thus, birthdays should not be celebrated! I do not agree with that stance! In fact, I believe that birthdays are an accomplishment of sorts because it means you have lived through yet another year!

Oh well, it is my birthday today and I woke up trying already, not to be disappointed! Trying to swallow the feeling of doom that very well nearly choked me! So I woke up and I told myself "Malica, this day is not special, it means nothing! Do not make it mean more than just a usual day would mean to you!" With that in my head, I was fine! I recieved phone calls and text messages all throughout the morning and the conversations were sweet and compassionate! I got the usual Happy Birthday from my family and their tiny tokens of love and appreciation!

That's all good and well! But, it is simply just a day! A long, rainy, unkind day!BUT THEN, I got a very thoughtful gift from my bestfriend and I was indeed happy! My "usual day" theory flew out the window when my friend gave me what i said i wanted (according to her) a looooong time ago.But then, she had to leave to go to her class and I was left behind in the cold heat of the afternoon!

In that moment I thought of calls i did not recieve! Certain persons who would have called me as a ritual, did not! But, did that really matter to me? Certain people who loved me last year, did not love me this year! But did that really matter to me! And so, I allowed the doom to consume and my thoughts began, "This is a special day and I spent it at work!" Then, my head began to hurt as I realised that I would be coming home to nothing but the Television screen and my computer!

My heart began to feel empty or rather, unreal! Sort of like a plastic heart shaped symbol with a bow on top - a gift! But fake, nonetheless! I became sad and then angry! I became sad because I was unhappy about certain things that I dont know I want! In other words, I was sad for the sake of sadness! And then I became angry because I did not know why I was sad and I did not know what exactly I wanted to make the birthday "Happy!"

I was happy when i was with my bestfriend and we were laughing but then, she had to leave! And I became irritated by persons wishing me "Happy Birthday" and I became even more irritated by the fact that i was getting irritated on my birthday!

I sit here very unhappy! Ask me why though, I am not quite sure! Looking back, this happens every year! Give me a party, I will become sad because my space is being invaded! Give me gofts! I will be disappointed that I did not get what i wanted! What did i want? I am never certain!!

Maybe for a birthday, someone can give me real, beating heart gift wrapped! Perhaps this will provide the happiness I so desire on my birthday! I think, birthdays are a celebration of life, why cant I do that? Celebrate my life???

One day, I hope my heart will become real and truly happy on the day I am supposed to celebrate my life!! Ah well, bye bye!! Adios! Arriverderci!!

Severed Heart

2008-10-02T17:02:00.000-07:00

Since our redefinition of friendship (which was actually three weeks ago), my friend informed me that I was loved differently. Apparently since the relationship was redefined, so was the love! This is how it goes, “Before, I had Eros love for you which meant that it was my desire to bed you, but since the change, you are like my sister, so I now have Phillia love for you” and it continued, “Yes Malica, there are different stages of love and I could not be just your friend, if I did not change the way I loved you!” And there is still more “Malica, we can not keep up the same attitudes and behaviours we had in the previous relationship especially since this one is different!”

Now you may not be stunned but I was! In three weeks, love can change so much so that it becomes the brotherly/sisterly kind! I need that kind of power because there is one specific person, I wish I could switch from Phillia to Eros! But how do I do it?? Perhaps it is because I am not as robotic in thinking and feeling as my friend is! In the same breath, the friend continued “I can switch people off, erase them even, but with you, it hurts when I even try!” I am just making a note here dear, but if it were easy enough for you to erase Eros and then replace it with Phillia, why can’t you just erase Phillia as you erased Eros?? :-)

Never is ANYTHING too difficult for you!! You can do it all!! I wish I were so able to erase people! I would erase the many people who consistently hurt me! I would erase my life as it is now!! I would erase certain things in the past that i’d like to forget!

The thing about you is this, that you never really had A relationship if you had two and it was easy to throw away the one that came in second because the first mattered more. But though the first mattered more, you needed the second to keep you sane in brother/sisterly love!

What other choice is there?? I will be your sister and your greatest friend and when I am hungry enough, I will find someone who would not mind me being their “only!”

All rightie then, I must bid you good night! Bonsoir! Buenas Noches! Gute Nacht! J

Drowning in the Mist

2008-10-01T15:22:00.000-07:00

What do you do when everything in your life becomes hazy? Thoughts about the future seem so far away and the life you lead four years ago, seem not to be in existence! How do you get back to the real, sharp picture?? At this point, I think my life has been too comfortable! So much so that what i hoped to achieve four years ago, has been lost in a fog! I have lost sight of the person I was so many years ago and it is near impossible to recognize me through all the mist! I may have lost myself... How is one able to find herself or rather shape herself when she is so concerned with the welfare of the persons she has to shape??Can one really shape anything when she is, herself, shapeless?? When does one have time for her own identity, when she is helping others find their own? The free time one would have, she sits and ponders... How do I make this more captivating? How do I make them understand?? In all of this, I am slowly fading...

Or perhaps, I was always this picture fading in the background. Perhaps, it is my destiny to drown in the mist and whilst drowning, give others my breath so they will lead longer, better, more productive lives. But is that really what I want for myself?? I have always been an expressive body... how can I negate that and just fade away??

Or perhaps my fading is a sign that i should take sharper pictures. That i must be concerned with who i am becoming or rather, not becoming! That i must shape my life and my future! That I must not allow things to slowly fade away until finally they do not exist for me!! So, from today, I will attempt to remember that I am going somewhere other than in circles! I am going to remind myself that I am worthy of a future! I will not forgot that I am worth more than disappearing- My personality is worth taking note of!

So, though it maybe rather difficult for me to resurrect from the fog. i am going to make an effort because I am worth knowing! I deserve a fulfilling life- not because I am better than you but because, why not????? Why is it pertinent for any soul or spirit to wither away.. To die away?? There is so much in life to enjoy, so I advise all of you to take a big bite out of life and enjoy! Do not feel unworthy! Do not feel insignificant because your insecurities suggest that you could be outshone. You have your own light, so shine and do not allow the mist to consume you!!!!!

All rightie then!!!! Arriverderci! Adieu! Ciao! Chao!! Adios! Sayonara!! Ja ne!! Bye Bye :-)

The Moment of Breathlessness...

2008-09-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

Today, I have been thinking of death - the immediate moments or moment before ones final breath. I really do not believe in the white light mambo jumbo. That is a fairy tale that was used to appease little children when parents could not honestly say that death meant complete and utter unconsciousness in which the person knows nothing, hears nothing, sees nothing, feels nothing.... The description of death is sort of like the description of Santa Claus - they are both fabrications! If one studies the bible, it will be clear what death is!

But i digress. I have been thinking about someone's immediate moment before they are finally gone from the earth! I wish someone could tell me about it. A drowning person is slowly dying because every breath that she takes, her lungs are filled with water. What does she think of as she has very little oxygen and the water, rushing down her lungs burns like acid! What does she think of when her eyes want to pop out because they burn so much? Does she suddenly get to a point where she can not feel anything? Or does this acidic burn persist until finally...

How about somebody who is burning in a fire. As each flame stabs him, what does he think? Does the unbearable pain drive him to insanity and then finally, death?? Or does he feel it each time the fire pierces and burns his flesh? Does he smell the burnt flesh? What does he think? Is he thinking?? Now that his skin and flesh has melted in the fire, does his life flash before him? Or is he in too much agony? Does he beg for death?? Does he feel or think, before he dies...

How about someone who was stabbed or shot? What does he feel as the blood slowly sips out of him and he becomes weaker and weaker? What does he think? Are his thoughts muddled up seeing that he is losing his source of power?? Does he go into some sort of a trance? Does the temperature change for him? Does he suddenly feel fine and then...nothing????

How about an unexpecting pedestrian? When the car or truck hits you and then covers you, would you hear your bones crush before you actually feel it?? Would you smell exhaust before you knew what had happened? Would you be in a state of discomfiture?? Would you feel numb and would you immediately die?? Or would you feel the the pain, slowly, very slowly dissipating and then, death?? Or would the pain become more and more painful, and Then, death???

How about if you fell from a great height? How about if you comitted suicide, would the feeling be the same?? How about if you got a stroke? You died in your sleep?? How about....???

Yes, they are all death and all would involve breath slipping away from the person but how slowly or how quickly does breath no longer exist for them?? And in that space of time, what exactly happens?? JHow is it for them?? Ah well, just wonderring!! That happens sometimes :-)

Have an excellent evening and think!!!!!!!! గూడ్నిఘ్ట్! ஸ்வீட் ட்றேஅம்ஸ்! സ്റ്റഡി ടോ ഷോ ത്യ്സേല്ഫ് അപ്പ്രോവേദ് ഉണ്ടോ ഗോഡ്!! ಪ್ರಿ ವಿತ್ಹೌತ್ ಸೆಅಸಿಂಗ್!! गोद इस विक्तोरिऔस!! Good night to all!!

Enflamed Heart

2008-09-29T15:58:00.000-07:00

Today, a friend of mine informed me that they had no ability to care for or love anything, in fact, the heart within had sort of dried up being deemed, null and void! Oh what a thing to say to someone who has given so much!! What a thing to say!! This statement today, brought me back sometime ago when this same person said "I love you less" and "I have no more love left to give you" All of this said, the individual still convinced me that all of those things were said in the heat of the moment and therefore should not be made note of.

From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh - This is absolute truth! I mean, it came from the Bible, what else could it be??? My friend speaks of situations where they are in a relationship that would be considered hurtful and yet, they seem not to deserve anything but what is being dealt! My friend calls it Karma but I call it B.S. It is my decision to remain with you whether or not I feel hurt and deprived!

Today, when you said your heart had been literally burnt out, I felt it before you actually said it so I believe you! I believe that you like your situation! You are not a coward as I previously statered! But there is nothing I can do for someone who does not want to be happy!

You broke my heart several times with your words and do you think today, just because we aren't together, I am not still hutrt?? Of course I am! The problem with me is that I gave you too much of me! Which is why it is so easy for you to step over me and feel I could take it!!

Today, I told you that I wouldnt mind if you'd die - not because i feel hatred within me or even dislike! I wish both you and your partner death, so that you will stop hurting! That you will stop tearing up at my harmless words! I wish you death, so that you'd be away from me, the person you continuously love less and together with, your partner (the one you'd never leave! NOT EVER!!!)

I do not know whether I am being coherent or even clear! But I need you to know, that I wish I could love you less!! I wish I could feel less for you!! I wish I really wanted you dead! I wish I could hurt you and forget you!! Because it is so easy for you to love me less!! Forget me!! I wish my humanity werent so faulty!!!

So dear friend, you continue loving me less until the fire has enflamed your heart and leaves the ashes behind! I will love you still because I do not know any better!! Enjoy your life! Enjoy the future that you will have without me!! Enjoy life while I go on loving you because really????? What else is there???????

Ah well, Good night good night!!!! Buenas noches!!! Buena noche!! Bon Nuit!! Gute Nacht!!!!!!

Broken

2008-09-27T16:32:00.000-07:00

How would you feel if someone entered your house without your permissioon and began taking things? The person, perhaps, has come to the conclusion, that everything you own is theirs. Now this aspect would not have affected me because these are simply material things that could be easily replaced or even forgotten. But the thing that sticks with me, is the fact that somebody, some uninvited person was in my personal space, touching and sifting through my personal things. Were their hands clean or not? One can not tell. But when one finds dirt on their sheets, the individual feels broken and even a stab of pain!

The concept of personal space is vital and so when one can not get the image of someone touching their personal things out of the head, they change the sheets and try to fall asleep and the image of the footprint on the previous sheets is still lodged in memory, so you change the sheets that were changed minutes ago and you feel uncomfortable because you can not tell exactly what has been violated but you know many things were including you.

Then, you try to sleep, but then, there is this image or this sudden sound that makes you check under your bed, just in case and it makes you check if the the stuff you bought last week, if they are still there. You look around your space and it is not so personal anymore. It looks like a bus station or a store where people can walk in and out without a care.

You change your sheets again because your skin has not stopped itching though you know in your mind there is nothing, I suppose the fear takes hold. You ask that the beautiful flower tree next to your space be cut down so you can be given even less privacy but you are afraid that your visitor may not care that you are inside the next time. You look for clothes to wear, but on second thought, let the space, the used to be private space, let it be cleaned again and the sheets, changed just one more time?? And then there is a desire, a strong desire to leave the place where you felt comfort but then another desire to keep it protected. So you keep your windows closed just in case and the doors locked. And every once in a while you check to make sure that the windows are really shut. You feel a presence in your space and you are more jumpy than usual. I am not angry or upset that things were taken away....Not at all!! I am just deeply troubled by the invasion itself! Invasion of space! Of privacy! How would you feel if someone walked into your house and began picking up things you consider dear?? How would you feel if someone rifled through your drawers?? How would you feel, if one day you came from work and there was a foot print on your bed, your window was mangled and some of your things were missing?? How would you feel if your space were invaded???

Ah Well, i wish you a very good night and the beautifully blue picture above would be Jalousie- enjoying some beach time during summer.... :-) Adieu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2008-09-20T15:16:00.000-07:00

Have you ever sat and wondered about your future?? I am certain many of you have, but have you ever wondered and then felt complete and utter fright? I felt like that some time ago when I was trying to figure out with some difficulty, how my life will actually turn out. Will i be a teacher my whole life?? I do love my students and I do want to do my best with them, encourage them as much as possible, listen to them and so on, but for the rest of my life?? Though teaching, specifically in Dennery is a hard task, that was not what that frightened me. It was the concept of being alone for the rest of my life. My idea of family is not really properly defined. I do not limit my vision, to the nuclear aspect of family. When I think of family, i think of my cousins, my aunts, uncles and so on, and i feel warmth in my heart because I know, though there are many of them, they each hold a special place in my heart.

However, I do not expect persons and situations to remain the same. Though, it is within my nature for me to abhor change, i know that remaining stagnant will not allow growth of any form. I know that my bestfriend will one day, disappear from my life, I know that family members who are still around will move on to new pastures, I know that my parents won't be there forever, I know the friends I have will move on... I know all of these things because it is not a matter of what we want, it is a matter of life happening whether we want it to or not!

Somedays, I really hate the fact that life "happens" because it is so easy to get comfortable in our situation and take certain things for granted.... It is very easy. I try my best not to take things for granted because of the fact that life can "happen" so quickly.

I want to be ready for life but I know, it is not that easy so i want to be strong enough to understand that people change and life changes as well. I have to admit that I am an individual who is not yet where she wants to be. I am an individual who gets scared when things happen, whether they are good or bad. I am an individual who would rather go back to the past and never really grow up. I am an individual who ia not yet really Me because of the fact that i have too many persons inside. I am an individual who does not know where to begin or where to end and who wishes there was no begining and never any end. I am too serious yet not serious enough. I feel that i have not lived enough but perhaps I do not deserve to live at all. I feel old and decrepit rather than young and vivacious. I feel exhausted because life happening takes away so much. I am so afraid of looking forward because that would mean more of life happening, more of change, more people leaving and new people coming in!! The process is painful and i abhor it!! I abhor the whole definition of future because the future simply means more change, more growth within and more growing up!

:-) I will indeed bid you adieu! Arriverderci! Ja ne! Sayonara! கூட்ப்யே! గూడ్బ్యే! ഗൂട്ബ്യെ! ಗೂದ್ಬ್ಯೆ! गूद्ब्ये!

Jesus is Victor!!!!!!

2008-09-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

After working extremely hard during the week, I am happy when Friday eve finally approaches, because then, I have to stop all worldly tasks and approach the throne of God. There, i have to thank Him for protecting me throughout the week, thank Him for health, breath of life and welcome His wonderful sabbath day of rest.

Today, I was thinking as I normally do and I realized that we are getting very close to the end of times. The times where all sorts of horrible things will be occurring and yes it is true that we must occupy our time on earth while waiting for the second coming of God. But we must occcupy it in a fashion that God would approve of. I believe that is why he gives us the Bible, as a sort of moral guide so that we know what we ought to do and what we ought not to do. He guides us with the ten commandments informing us that we should not steal, kill, commit adultery, use His name in vain, covet our neighbours things or anything for that matter, remember the sabbath to keep it holy, love each other, honour our parents and so on. Then in Leviticus chapters 18, 19, 20, he informs us that incest, beastiality and homosexuality are not approved by Him.

It is amazing to note how magnificent our Father in Heaven is! He has given us a guide and basically tells us what to eat and what not to eat, how to act and how not to act and if we follow those guidelines from Him, we will end up in the "place that He has gone to prepare for us" (John 14:1-4). But the difficult thing is that Satan, each day is trying to destroy us and so we must be very aware of Him and his lies because he is sly enough to make us justify certain sins and then even begin to believe that they are right!! It is necessary therefore, that we spend time with God daily- reading His word and praying to Him so that we could remain grounded in the faith that so often wavers with a shove from the devil!

The Old Testament and The New go hand in hand! We need one to explain the other and I am amazed at how wonderful God is. I was very much confused a while back when I read Leviticus and it informed us, God's people, that we must eat certain foods and not eat others and then I read in Acts that Peter was given a vision that suggested in Acts 10:1-14 that Peter should kill and eat the fowls and so on that were previously considered unclean in the Old Testament. But there is something you should know, God is not a God of contradictions and if we read further, we will notice that it was a parable. Peter was comissioned by Jesus to preach the gospel to the Jews but in that vision God had basically explained to him, that now, he had to go further- he should not discriminate, preach to the Gentiles as well , the Samaritans and so on and if we read on, we will notice the story of Cornelius who was indeed a gentile.

It is absolutely wonderful to know that God gives second chances. He is a forgiving, merciful God and no matter how many times we falter he will pick us up if we only humbly bow to his feet. Even on the cross, Jesus Christ felt compassion for His murderers. He said simply but passionatlely "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" God commissions all of us to Go ye therefore into all the world and preach the gospel. Tell all of His goodness, His compassion, His death, His resurrection, the Three Angels message in Revelation and the fact that He will be coming a second time. And when He will appear, the trumpet shall sound and the dead in Christ shall rise first and we shall be caught up to meet Him in the air. Make sure, you die in Christ or you live for Him because if not, if we are not with Him, we shall be burned with an eternal fire!!!!!

Do not allow anything to separate you from the love of God because to be tucked away under His wings and to be protected by Him is indeed praiseworthy. I beg of you, accept Him into your hearts. He is wonderful, merciful , loving, patient and when you fall in love with God, there is nothing, absolutely nothing better than that. And even then, do not be afraid to tell of His love, His goodness and His greatness!! Witness for him, tell others about Him because he has asked us to do so.

Well then, God Bless you and keep you until we meet again!!!!! Arriverderci!!!!

BFF- Mine, not yours!!!!! LOL

2008-09-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

How utterly sweet it is when in adulthood, you can consider someone your bestfriend. It is rather difficult for adults to make really really good friends because they are so concerned with gossip and backbiting - not necessarily because they hate the person but its all they know. I have observed many persons, at work and at home and you can see from their expressions that they are genuine but then, the bug of gossip bites them and they go about making stories more colourful or simply just making them up! And oh how it hurts when you realize that somebody you placed your trust in, lied about you or exposed you- one feels naked and dirty and I know of it, firsthand.

I do not want to wrap my mind around the fact that humans, specifically women, are simply devious. Why would I say, you are my friend and seconds later, talk about you behind your back?? What I have realised is that some persons simply are not meant to have friends! Since I, being kindhearted cannot understand persons and why they would want to talk about each other, i choose to continue being the gossipers friend even though, I know for a fact that I have been the heroine in one of their stories.

In saying all of this, I would actually like to introduce you to my bestfriend. With Myia and Brad being gone and The Litles not being as accessible as they used to, I met Ms S. Shanette Monrose in 2006 and we both feel like we have known each other for our entire lives. I find her to be ridiculously intelligent and I enjoy having conversations with her, whether it be about English Literature, exercise, eating right, the Bible and whatever else that comes to mind. I am very comfortable with her and she listens to all my odd thoughts. We quarrel quite often but never with malice always with love.

Its sort of fun to talk to someone after a hard day of working. It is relaxing for us to do nice things for each other, to advise each other when we are doing something wrong and it is funny to develop certain code names for people and act juvenile for a while. Some persons may consider her rude and unapproachable, but really she is one of the nicest people around, she just does not find it necessary to have too many friends who in the end betray you. I understand that view point completely, which is why I felt more comfort in befriending my family members rather than anybody else but I am very thankful to have met her. I have never had such a bumpy, yet fun friendship as this. It is sort of like going on a crazy ride at Coney Island; there are all sorts of emotions mixed up but it is still fun!!

My friend is super cool! She is witty, wise, kind, funny, intellligent and so similar to me -which is why we quarrel so much. Persons even say we resemble each other and in a primitive minded place as Dennery, they consider us lesbians as they consider two females can not be this close. But I refuse to allow small minded people to ruin such a good friendship! So, allow the friendless to continue gossiping while i continue talking to MY FRIEND about whatever is bugging me and while she continues doing the same. I have made a bestfriend but you adults who prefer talking about others, your loneliness will soon be unbearable!!!

Oh well, arriverderci!!! Sayanora!!! Chao!!! Ja ne!!! Addio!!! Adios!!! Auf wiederstehn!!!! Bye!!!!

Journey On!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

At times, i sit and think about our journeys in life; what exactly are we destined for? And we are all individuals, we must each have our own journey, our own destiny! But when do we begin this journey and how do we know it's ended? Is it through death that we know certainly our journey has ended? Or perhaps it has just began! Perhaps as we slumber in death's embrace, our journey is being mapped out! Some people look back on their lives and they note that they have done nothing of substance, nothing to promote change...... Do we all have to be an Obama or a Clinton for us to feel that yes indeed, we are doing something?!

I really do not want to look back on life and say that i regret doing or not doing! I want to look back and be proud! Do some of us actually realize our journeys and wonder the significance? I sometimes wonder about the point of this life at all! Every human being basically mimics each other and there is nothing original or out of this world! Women give birth! Yes, but is that new? Women have been doing that for centuries!! I am sure if there was an individual looking at us on a very large screen, he'd probably destroy the screen, for fear of seeing one more human being make the same mistakes and do the same things over and over and over! The lazy people with no ambition, sleep, eat, party and watch tele and probably live with their parents!! Is that a journey? A destiny? A mother is raising her children and staying at home to pack lunches and so on. Is that what she signed off on? Is that a journey? Those who work their bums off, only to die and live millions for family members to fight over, was that their journey?? Some of our journeys look rather pointless and others seem so spectacular! Barack Obama, whether he wins or not, what a journey- to pave the way for blacks alike and Hilary Clinton, did the same for women!! I want to digress a bit simply to state, Sarah Palin???? Just because she is wearing a skirt, women will vote for her?? Come on McCain!!!!! :-) Ah well, we each have our journeys and I supppose, no matter how pointless they appear, travel on because you may change a life whether its in a HUGE way or a small fashion!

Journey

Blood sips from my pores
Fire burns through my muscle
As I muster courage to take another step.
My eyes are sore;
The sun has dried off my tear ducts.
My lips feel like sand paper
And as I pass my tongue over them,
A charred piece of skin cuts my tongue
And I suck the blood thirstily.

I take another step
And I can hear my limps crack as I pull myself forward.
My body has become bones meshing against skin-
Soon the bones will pierce through.
I whimper as the fiery ray of the sun stabs through my film of skin.
And as I continue my journey,
I see the festering sores upon my feet dripping with tears
As they long to rest, but they know they must go forward.

Carefully, I hold a crumpled piece of paper in my gaunt fingers.
I feebly take in a breath and the air rushes into me;
Grating and scraping against my tattered lungs.
I must continue my journey,
Though, I have not seen water for days.
The journey must be continued.

As I walk,
Like a withered plant,
I see this creature stare at me. I can not tell what it is
Because my eyes are no longer good for seeing.
But I am ashamed,
Because I had not been expecting company
And I know- this stench
The stench of rotten eggs that have been following me for miles now,
Must be me.
So I am embarrassed.
I bow my head and slowly leave the creature behind.

My journey must continue.
Though I yearn for water, I can not tarry
Because time would be wasted
And we cannot have that.
So I continue my walk,
With me clutching my crumpled piece of paper.
I walk,
Though each step is more agonising than the first,
I walk.

As I get closer to my destination,
I feel alive again.
The sores upon my feet, seem,
Not too painful anymore
And as my tongue passes over my coarse lips,
I drink with passion.
My feeble body becomes stronger and I move faster,
Until finally,
Finally, I am there.

I get there,
But I am shaken
I don’t recall why I journeyed so long
And why I needed to be here.
I look around me, losing my sense of victory.
I become in a state of intellectual discomfiture,
As I wonder, why I came here
What force brought me here?
I stare at the crumpled piece of paper and let it fall to the ground.
I have journeyed for days,
But for what reason?
I can not seem to remember…
So I face homeward,
And begin my journey,
My long journey, back to where I came.

Sometimes we journey only to find that the journey was useless or it did not matter!! It baffles me when i realise that we each are on a journey that we know not of and we don't know exactly what we'll find at the end!! What is my journey?? Am I half way through? Or have i even started yet??? Ah well, Journey on my dears, as either way you can not do a bloody thing about the journey you're on!!!

All right then, I am tired!! I had classes all day and i need to place my head on a warm pillow and then, tomorrow, continue my journey whatever it may be!! Ja ne!! Addio!! Bon soir!!! Arriverderci!!

LOVERZZZZ

2008-09-02T14:03:00.000-07:00

I am truly exhausted!! School reopened yesterday and I have not gotten off my feet since; my feet hurt like hell, my thighs, my throat, my soul everything is just really exhausted on me right now! So I am sitting here, very lethargic thinking of nothing in particular but love! A blogger friend of mine, asks what's love and why does it fade away?? I am inclined to respond to that blog because it was sort of a letter to me. My dear, I do not think love should be about knees being weak and wanting to bed the person alone. Yes, you should have that, probably the bedding more than the knees thing but, I think love has more to do with a person's need to want to spend their life with another, missing that person, wanting to tell that person the biggest thing or the smallest thing that occurred for the day, trusting this person with all you are and a strong desire to work at your relationship because, what else is there if this person is not in your life??

And my Dear, I don't necessarily believe that love fades away. I believe you may simply lose the desire to work at it or you have simply grown apart but the love is still there. Unless it was a case of "rebound" love or simple infatuation which could actually grow into love! Abusive relationships could beget hate but I do not see love as just fading. Perhaps the desire , "to bed" (as you put it) has diminished but love? fading?!

Your statements about Junior and Maribelle peaked my attention
BUT
I suppose if you want to bed one and miss the other when he leaves, then you don't love either! Or perhaps you are being greedy!!! I mean is it really possible to love two people at the same time!!! It is already so difficult working to keep one relationship afloat, how do you work two?? Why don't you sit and really think for awhile, and then, send Lover 1 or Lover 2 packing!!! Or are you too much of a......... lol

Then again, you want to have your cake and eat it too don't you??? Have fun then sugar :-)

Now dear readers i will have to bid you a good night! Buenas noches!!!! Gute Nacht!!! गुड निघत!!!! ಗುಡ್ ನಿಘ್ತ್!!!! ഗുഡ് നൈറ്റ്!!! குட் நைட்!!! గుడ్ నిఘ్త్!!! :-),

Ummmm......Addiction??

2008-08-30T12:47:00.000-07:00

So seriously, I was never one to be so into a television show until, I saw the very first Grey's episode and I have to admit it, I am addicted but I will surely not get rid of that addiction!!! :-) Yes I miss Dr Burke and Dr Addison F-Montgomery but I love the new Dr Hahn and I absolutely cannot wait for the September 25th premiere!!!! Do you know, I blow off friends for this show??? Thats addiction, right???? Ah well, I will stand up proud and shout "I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy!!!!!!" I LOVE IT!!!! Whoever's watching, I am sure it is impossible for you to stop and whoever's not watching, you're missing alot!!!

Yes I like Desperate Housewives and Smallville but I AM IN LOVE WITH GREYS!!!!!!!! Maybe i should do a Grey's blog!! He he!!!!

Later people and watch the 2 hour primiere on ABC on Thursday September 25th, 2008!!!

Arrivederci!!!!!!

What does it mean to be a woman??

2008-08-30T11:57:00.000-07:00

So I am sitting here wondering what exactly it means to be a natural woman. Aretha and co. sing and suggest that "you make me feel like a natural woman" but what does that really mean?? Does this mean that a female has to go through certain intitiations before she can be considered a woman? Does she have to marry and bare children? Only then, would you consider her a natural woman? Should she be able to cook, clean and be a perfect housewife? Is it a feeling that another individual imparts? Does she have to have sex first? What intitiations make a woman feel like a natural one? And would that mean that the childless lady is not the epitome of "natural womanliness"? Does that mean that the 30 something young lady who decides not to have sex until she is married, is she not a natural woman? Must a lady fall in love and be broken?? Should a lady follow certain laws of society for her to become a woman? The lady who decides to study, get a degree and get a beneficial career, is she not a natural woman?? What exactly does this term mean?

I heard an aged lady tell a 35 year old that unless she has lived as a woman, she would not be able to understand certain things. Huh?? That's like Ronald Reagan's "What would this country be, without this wonderful land of ours?" huh??? What age does a female graduate into this "natural womanliness"? So does that mean that some females, are not yet women? Natural women? Then perhaps i will never graduate into natural womanliness since I don't see marriage as a possibilty or bearing children as another. If these are the criteria for graduation, I will continuously fail.

But, if it is as Aretha sings and it is a feeling, when will I know that I am a natural woman?? Do i wake up and feel different??? How will I know?? Most of the women singing appear to have past the period of menstruation and I read somewhere that a girl becomes a woman after menstruation or is it after menopause??? :-) I hope someone will be generous enough to inform me, that indeed, now Malica, you are a natural woman!!! Ah well, sing on, the song is truly lovely and it may mean something different to us all. I remember Murphy Brown singing that song when she had just given birth, so perhaps its that for mothers! I heard another sing it after marriage, perhaps it is that for wives! I heard a young lady singing it, after she'd fallen in love. So perhaps its that for young lovers. I wonder, when will I sing it? Not on my wedding day!! What man is worth it? :-) Not on the day i give birth!!! What child is worth the pain??? :-) Seriously!!!!

All right now guys, I will bid you Adieu! Sayonara! Arriverderci!! Adios! Addio!!

Today's Health for tomorrow's children!

2008-08-28T17:34:00.000-07:00

Exercising is important! Everybody knows this but it is the doing that's difficult; the getting up on a morning and going to take a run or a walk. We can find ourselves doing everything other than exercise and I do understand that but we all need to develop a strong state of mind and put exercising as part of our routine. With so much technology, we have become a very lazy society and because of that, our youth are slowly dying of obesity, heart disease, stroke and so on. We put so much filth within us and then sit around and relax! That is not a healthy attitude and we should learn to develop a healthy demeanour for our sakes and for the children who are coming into this world. These children can not move from the couch to the tele, they do not have to play sports anymore when they can sit and play video games for the entire day and "pig out" on junk food. A dictionary defines "Junk" as discarded material. Thus, it is clear to me that you are placing things that deserve to be in a trash can in your beautiful temple of God.

I understand, that it is difficult sometimes to put exercise into our schedules but it is not difficult to stop eating junk or rather, trash food. Some of the diet foods we consider as healthy, they are really not. All those sugarless or sugarfree foods and so on. I want you to do me a favour and google aspartame. After you've read the disadvantages of it, see how many of you have been consuming this filth. Better yet, check out this site http://www.aspartame.com/ Then check out those sodas that you consume daily. Why would we want to deliberately destroy ourselves by consuming unhealthy products?

I am not going to tell you the kinds of exercises to do or what type of diet is best for you. But I need to advise you that eating right and exercise is pivotal for every human being, no matter what race, sex or level of intelligence. Don't mind me, i do falter in the exercise department sometimes but it is necessary and at some points it may even become addictive. Exercise and eat right so we can live longer. The reason, we're dying so young, is because we are eating all sorts of trash. Note, the first people on this earth were vegetarians and note as well, that persons were dying so very old in Bible times. Look at Methuselah, Abraham, Jacob, Sara and so on. I think that our horrible diet is causing cancer, impotence and all of these negative health defects. How about taking just eight minutes? Or twelve to just do a few exercises? And what is the problem with eating a lot more vegatables and fruit?? What? It's going to kill you?? I highly doubt it. Your present diet is what's presently killing you. Stop consuming junk and take care of yourselves. The bible states that we should love our neighbours as ourselves. So in love, i say to you, take care of the temple that God entrusted you with.

Have a swell evening everybody and if I still have the breath of life within me, we shall speak some other time!!!! Buenas Noches y buena suerte en tus las vidas!! Adios! Addio! Adieu! Arriverderci! Bye!!!!!

I love you right?????

2008-08-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

How wonderful and ridiculously easy it would be if we were given manuals to live our lives. Humanity would be rather predictable but more functional and isnt that what we all want? Functionality within each society? But the business of free will just screwed us over :-) If I had a manual to live my life, i am certain the errors I have made and will soon be making would not exist. And even if i did make errors, they would be rather minimal because i have this thing that basically instructs me as to what i should do, say and feel. But seeing that none of us actually possess this manual, we have to go through a whole lot of BS that "enables us to grow as human beings" :-)

I would do so much better with this manual, because at this point, i am simply groping in the dark and going round and round in circles. The reason for my lack of enthusiasm about free will is the fact that we are "free" to do so much but not really! Or is that just me? A friend of mine has been telling me from the moment she got to know me that I think too much. I think about the pros and cons and weigh my options before i make a decision. Never, do i want to regret things and I suppose that is also holding me back from doing many things. It would simply be easier for me, if not for any other, that i own a manual instructing me on the decisions of my life.

I hate messing up, i hate disappointing myself more than anything and i hate hurting those i care about. My friend believes i think too much but i believe we do not think enough. If we take the time to think perhaps the manual that i am praying for will become obsolete. How easy it is, for some of us to sit on our high horse and judge others when we know our secrets and our errors are well hidden.

It makes me sad that we take such little time to think; to think about how we will impact others and how we react to certain situations. I often think about silly things but most of the time, I think seriously. My life is not more difficult than anybody else's but its like bitter gall sipping through me, knowing that if somebody else were me, they would be better at being me- they would make better decisions and they would lead a life free from deliberate pain. I read something that caused me to think further, "nobody can be you better than you" I thought about this statement and I saw the error in it because if someone else were me, their life would not be so purposely entangled and incomprehensible. So perhaps, this statement is telling me that nobody can do incomprehensible and entangled like me. But really, i'd prefer structure, functionality. I would prefer everything to be placed in certain schemas- I'd much rather be instructed.

Now i know it can be argued that the Bible is a manual that instructs our actions, thoughts and so on but the Bible tells us to love all, as we'd love ourselves. But then again, we have to love rightly!!! Did the Bible say, love your brethren a yourself rightly???? What is right love?? Just a question to think about :-)

I wish you all a very pleasant good night!! Buenas Noches! Gute Nacht! Bon soir! :-) Arriverderci! Ja ne!!

Bleeding in Love

2008-08-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

Sitting upon the comfortable carpet of sandy rocks in Canelle, while sifting the coarse sand between my fingers, i decided to look into the very depth of who I am. While searching within myself, i felt the wind pound against me punishingly. With such a harsh response from the once sensual wind which used to bury me with sweet, salty kisses, I found tears streaming down my face. In my beautiful Saint Lucia, sitting amongst what appears to be jaggered rocks behind my blanket of tears, I came to the realisation that no matter how hard one tries as a human being, they may still falter continuously. A while back, i was called mean and even cruel. I thought that to be, highly unlikely with my loving and rather kind disposition. But sitting here, feeling the deadly blows of the wind and searching my spirit, I may have to admit that I do have a rather mean sense of humour. Not purposely hurting the ones i care about but repeatedly doing so with my wit and my sardonic nature.

I am now realising the severe error in my ways and because of this, I am sitting here being battered by a once gentle wind. I was told once that it is easy for a man to transform from man to beast and easily hurt the ones he claims to love with such passion.

Humanity in itself is rather complicated and I suppose all we can really do is try our best to be the best possible people but we can not do it alone. As i am sitted here, i am reminded of Peter, Jesus' disciple who beat his chest and stated that He would Never betray the Son of God when Jesus bluntly stated that he would. Though he may have meant it at the time, when Jesus was captured and beaten, before the cock crew twice, Peter denied Jesus thrice. This tiny reminder is to simply indicate the fact that it is impossible to do things on our own or rather, of our own strength. But the good news comes, when Peter realises his error and asks for forgivenness. In this regard, I apologize for being the mean cuss that I am. And in truth, it was all based on jest but even then, you do not appreciate it, So with my cheeks bathed with salty tears and with the wind tearing at my very core, i apologize only because i love you more than you can ever imagine. :-)

All right my dears, we shall chat at some other point but it is necessary that i bid you adieu! Chao!! Sayanora!!

Rocky Throne

2008-08-20T16:57:00.000-07:00

Standing at the tip of this cliff taking in the beautiful Anse Ger sea, a person has many thoughts. One may consider how it would feel to fly off this stone throne and land in the majestic water. Another stands atop this cliff and decides to capture such landscape with a paint brush and yet another, may consider mincing up words to describe the beauty of the environs in perfect poetry. Another still, may consider kneeling right there and thanking God for such majesty, yet another may see this as being pregnant with possibilities. Ah such beauty can always present thoughts and feelings within each of us but since we are all different, we have different perceptions. We each hold dear within us, the meaning of such loveliness. Our perception usually is distorted or encouraged by what we are going through in our lives. In my depressive state, I could see this peaceful landscape as an escape, a place to find solace. In a pleasant state, I may sit upon that rocky throne and pour out poetry from the depths of who I am. Ah yes, each of us can do something different with such a portrait because of our difference of thought and experience. This lovely place is right here in my beautiful island, Saint Lucia.

I feel the need to talk about the beautiful things around because wth such busy schedules we never take the time to admire any aspect of nature or even take in the fresh air. I read somewhere that Satan tries to consume our minds with all sorts of filth so that we are always occupied with some worldly task. We need to learn to take a break once in a while and take in the beauty of God's creation, pray in the midst of it and listen to him speak. We allow too many things to consume us and to hurt us to a point of madness.

Sometimes I sit and i think of odd things like how it'd feel to be the wind, moving gently, now harshly, now gently with not a care in the world. How would it feel, if i were the ocean? Crashing against rocks and sparkling in the sunlight. Sometimes, I wish i were not human because with so much emotion comes pain in abundance. Sitting on that throne, I cannot think of dying because there would be absolutely no point in death. I suppose my time will come because we only live (work hard and have such busy lives) to die. If you know you're going to die anyway, why dont you stop!!!!! Stop and smell the ocean, listen to the purring wind and even so, love the person sitting next to you on that throne and stop fighting. Stop being so busy that you can not spend time with the ones you love.

I do not know how much time I have here but i want to be able to find a rock and make it my throne and sit upon it with my friends and family and take in a deep breath. Let us all have different perspectives on the one perfect view. I do what i do for the people i love and i will never regret anything because there is nothing bigger in this world than love. So you can look at the view and see the wretched sea lashing angrily against the rocks and thus you can liken the sea to human beings and call it selfish, rough and punishing. But I, i choose to see beauty in all and love all. Therefore i love you for your differences in perspective with me, I love you because without you i would not be me. I would not be strong, I would not be thoughtful, I would not be wise. I love my friends and I love my family (ALL) and whatever i can do for you at any point, tell me and i will do it because all we have in this world is each other (love)So find your rock! Find your throne and pour your love upon ii!!!

All rightie then people i need to go now!! Arriverderci! Adios! Adieu! Until we meet again!!

Sorpresa!!!!!!

2008-08-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

Hi there :-) I know it has been awhile but that is the only way you are going to miss me, right??? lol..... School is closed but i have been doing some reading since I have the time now and we all know that reading is pertinent. Someone once said that whatever we read is always just ours because everybody will read the same thing and adopt a different lesson and a different way of thinking. Although reading is important, we need to censor what we read becasue the amount of junk that can be passed on as literature is not even funny. Yes so, my whole purpose of saying that is to encourage you, once in a while to do some reading. Not just any kind of reading but reading that will elevate your thinking and uplift you as a person.

All rightie then, let us see what has been up with me??? Hmmmmmmm?? Well clearly you can see i cut off my dreads so I am a "bald-head" again......lol....I do not really think I have much of anything to say. I just did not want you guys to remain in a state of deprivation for too long. By the way, I have had insomnia for three or four weeks now....Does anybody know how to get rid of this because I am bloody exhausted and school reopens in two weeks or so......I do not necessarily want to walk around in zombie mode :-) During my sleepless state, i actually write poetry.....lol....At three at two, one or whatever, I write.....lol.... I will allow you to read two about actual insomnia (ha ha)

Insomnia

I sit among wretched thoughts
Each, nagging at my sleep
Each, keeping my brain awake.
Thoughts are like little children
When one most desires to be left alone; they pop up
Forcing you to feed them.
It is awesome to sit here and think about the deeds done through the day
I’d rather sleep, but what the hell!
It’s incredible to think of my life and my future
I’d rather sleep but I will give it a try!!
To think about my friends and family, I feel compassion!!!
Oh sleep, how I long for you!!!
What if the alphabet were not in that order?
What if the world were flat?
Why do we live, only to die?
Why did I paint my room that colour??
What if I were born a different race?
Oh!
If only the comforting arms of sleep would surround me!!
But I go on entertaining thoughts
As they are children needing their mother’s touch.
Ah!And then, it is day!

AND

Cognizance

I wake up from a deep state of consciousness
I am relieved to see sunlight burst into the skies and spread its rays all around
But I am saddened to see night slowly disappear
Since I did not profit from the silent slumber
That night rewards us with.

I walk around,
Knowing that I should begin my day.
But my eye lids are sagging
And my movements seem depressed.
As an invalid, I find difficulty in the simplest acts-
A smile, a wave, even laughter.

My head is throbbing
As blood tries to keep me even more conscious
Through this day.

All I’d like to do is to rest my weariness but I am not able
As it is the time to work.
But when night falls,
My thoughts will consume me
And I will need to entertain them
As a mother would a child.

When will my rest come then?
Perhaps when I am dead,
I will attain sweet slumber.
Only then.

So until then,
I am to be painfully awake
Until death releases me from my conscious duty.

Yes yes, so this is what i have writ based on my sleeplessness :-) I have to go but i will catch you guys later. Arriverderci! Ciao! Adios! Chao! Adieu! Au revoir! Bye!!!!!

A Grave Heart

2008-06-30T17:17:00.000-07:00

Hi Guys, I apologize for my lengthy absence!!! I have been tired with working and trying too hard to help people who really do not deserve it. Life is so funny sometimes (not funny Ha Ha) You try your best to be kind and loving to others and it comes back and bites you right in the fanny. How many of you are certain that the person you tell all your secrets, keep them only to him or herself? How can you be certain that someone you love, loves you back? How can you be certain?? The truth is, you cannot be certain. You just can't! There are so many people in this world who are just waiting for a chance for you to fail, to fall, to make a mistake so they can laugh the hardest and the loudest for no reason, except to make you feel bad.

I really do not understand human beings. Some of them are so constipated with negativity, that when something nice comes their way, the try to twist it around and make it into something awful. Others just feel the need to talk about you for no specific reason, except maybe, they were bored. People are so cruel sometimes with the things they do and say.

I try to be a nice person but it is bloody difficult when everybody thinks your niceness is due to something utterly twisted. It is so easy for me to become evil and just downright cruel but with my pea sized brain and my gullible demeanour, I think, 'Maybe my smile will help them today, maybe they'll change'

Today, with it being rather difficult to recognize friend from foe, I would think it so much easier if i were to exit this cruel world. In this life, i find it difficult to love because the people you love, maybe tempted to keep things from you, in the spirit of protection and lie to you, in the spirit of love.

Oh how i wish I were a kid again; running naked in the rain, not having a care in the world. O how I wish I were a kid again! (sigh) I remember telling this friend of mine that she was too easily frazzled by things people say and do, but really, it does hurt! When you find out, people can't stand the sight of you because of the way you walk, the way you dress and the way you respond to your friends and the people you love.

What an easy thing it would be, simply to minus self from this life. If it were possible, I would become and onlooker and not a participator of this life. After all, the only part of this life that really sticks with me is the hurt. To find out that you are stuck in the same place, with those same people who live life as if it were a game of monopoly. Their smiles burn me, their hugs cut me, their tongues stab me because they know in their hearts they hate me but they're going to speak to me nicely and whisper behind my back.

Please tell me you hate me, it won't hurt as much as your hypocrisy. Please tell me, you hate me. Don't lie through your teeth and waste I love yous. Please tell me you hate me. I'd feel better if I had only one friend because all the other people on earth were honest enough to tell me the truth of how they feel instead of having many friends who really don't care if i live or die. They are simply waiting for the opportunity for me to fail so they can laugh and gossip behind my back.

I am human, I do not talk about you so I do not think it is human nature for you to whisper about me. I dont whisper about you, why do you whisper about me? Is it that you have nothing of substance in your life? Is it that you lead a rather boring life? What is it? What makes you think you have the right to make up stories and twist my love to make it seem dirty? Who are you? They say idle hands are the devil's workshop, what are idle mouths? Idle mouths spue out demons with their lies. What are they???

Yep!!! Im Back!!!!

2008-03-23T12:53:00.000-07:00

Yes, so after a month or so, I have decided to grace you with my presence. You should note though, I never completely vanish. I vacation for a season and then i return. Yes well, so i can not tell you much of what's been happening with me because I can not remember half of it. I am so not kidding!!! But i do know, that the months passed, have been very interesting and I know that i feel something heavy within me. So I am guessing along the way, i received a broken heart. Oh well, who cares?? Right?? I mean, if there is no pain within, how do you know you're truly alive? When one is happy, they feel a sense of euphoria and everything is so "great, fabulous, wonderful, awesome.....' all these optimistic words. I am not knocking happiness down but in order to realize that yes indeed, you were happy, you need to feel the pain of loss, heartache, disappointment and all of these words that make your smile flip downwards and create creases on the heart of your forehead.

I have come to realize that life is hard and sometimes or rather, most times i feel life is not worth living. Even in the so-called happiest moments in life, I'd rather be somewhere far away from the joy. Maybe my brain is simply so constipated that I feel I do not have the right to be happy and I do not deserve good things. How do the psychiatrists call this? My unhappiness is almost always created by me and my desire to do the right thing or other times, my desire to prove that I am unworthy. Unworthy of what? I do not know!

I have an innate desire to make people happy and to make them feel worthy. Perhaps it is because I am attempting to find happiness through theirs. Though I know, that one needs to make the decision to become happy. But to me, making the decision is tasking. Whereas i could simply be overwhelmingly generous, loyal and a good listener. I love to see happiness in people's eyes. I like to read their eyes and simply see joy. This makes me happy, not a decision I made to be happy but simply seeing others as happy.

I always look deep into my soul to try to come up with what I really want in life, and yes, it may sound cliche, but if everybody around me is happy for one reason or another, I am happy as well. I know, I know..... I may say these things now and seconds later, I may tell you that what makes me happy is listening to silence, listening to nature and minussing all the pollution of his voice, her voice, this radio, her television, his computer et cetera.

So this is what I have come to realize and Psychiatrists you can always disagree....I love to make people happy, I love to make persons feel better.....I, all in all, love people but I am a moody person and sometimes I feel that being happy takes too much work and it is okay to alienate myself for awhile; to listen to the silence and to listen to myself think.

Each day, I require a dose of sadness and a dose of happiness. No matter how large the dose of sadness is, one of my greatest talents is to feign happiness so much so, that I begin to believe that indeed I am happy. I wake up in the morning, and I guess I do, I do make the decision to fake happiness rather than make the decision to be happy. I said earlier, the decision to BE happy takes too much work.

Other times, I wake up and think "why even try to fake it?" There are times when Im happy being unhappy. But there are these rare occasions where I am just happy. I did not make the decision but I simply feel blessed. This is the happiness i enjoy but most times, it is too much for me. All in all, I am not a negative person, but life would be so much easier if we all crawled into our shells and no one impacted anyone. But they say, we're humans and it is a prerequisite that we interact with each other......Functionalist, Marxists, Interactionalists, Phenomenologists....They all agree, some level of interaction is pivotal...... (sigh)

I think this was my most boring blog but it is all about my mood and right now, i feel that I need to be understood. :-) Arriverderci! Adieu! Adios! Adyu! Goodbye!!!!

Missed me?!

2008-01-28T14:54:00.000-08:00

Yes indeed! It has been a long time and I deeply apologize for that.....Well, it is a new year, 2008....But before i begin with all the new year cliches amd so on, I just wanted you to know that the year ended really well for me.....I spent it with my family and saw some family members i had not seen in ages....It was pretty awesome actually.....I got lovely presents for christmas and i hope i gave some lovely presents as well......

Well, back to the present......I really don't make new years a big thing; in that, i do not make resolutions and i live one day at a time as it was ordained......lol.....Although, i did not make any resolutions, what i hope is that I am healthy, happy and that I do my best at my job so at the end of the day, i am not disappointed in myself......

One of the most awful things for me as a person, is to be disappointed in myself........No one can bring me down as much as me and what i really hope is that i never disappoint me and that, i be a best friend to everyone who needs one at any point in time.........I love people.....well, most people and i refuse to be unhappy although some days it creeps in......I need to make others around me happy and i need to love as much as possible because this is what makes me, me..........

Before i go any further with my sappy chorus about what makes me, me and what makes me happy, I would like to introduce you to a really good friend and colleague of mine.......Her name is Heidi Ann, and to tell you the truth, I have never met someone so innately good.......She is funny, kind, wise, intelligent and selfless..........Her smile always brightens my heart and there is absolutely nothing about her, I'd like changed..........

I think, if I am half the person Heidi is, I have achieved much in my life......I will never meet another person like her because I am certain, she is one in ten billion........I would offer her my organs if I had to or even my life because such a person deserves to pour a little bit of compassion on whoever she meets and thus needs to live a long life......

There is goodness in us all and an equal dose of evil but some persons negate that goodness altogether.......I think Heidi has allowed goodness to consume her so much so that a transposition occurred where no evil is able to reide........Thank you for being my friend girl.......:-)

Now, i will say Adieu and hope that we speak soon.......

Christmas Again

2007-11-18T11:33:00.000-08:00

Hey there,

I know I know, i have been missing in action and i truly apologize for that.... Ah well, I am just sitting here thinking of how wonderful christmas is... (the picture above shows Jenin and a super cool cuz, Lydia at christmas last year) I do not actually believe that the 25th December was Jesus' birthday and we do not actually celebrate that date as his birth. However, i do believe that Christmas is my favourite time of year. This is the period where all my family members (all 100, 000 of them....lol) come together - forgetting all squabbles and disagreements.... All christmases are spent with my family..... We decorate our huge christmas trees and place gifts under them....Myia gets all excited and shakes every present with her name on it..... Then on christmas day, we wake up early to open gifts, to make great, big breakfasts and to cook the christmas lunch/dinner....And absoluteltly not forgetting the fruit cakes that Myia and I stuff our faces with....

I absolutely love the family aspect of christmas... The fact that basically everyone is around and perhaps I feel more loved then, than any other day....

I am excited about this christmas because my family members are going to be coming down and i really really really really reallly reallllly do love the "togethernessness" of christmas......lol

Until next time
Adieu

Caitlin Alayna Kisna

2007-09-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

Hi there, I have been away for a long time being busy and all of that.....So first of all I would like to convey my sympathy to St Lucia because we have lost a great man, Sir John George Melvin Compton....Whether or not i agreed with him returning to politics, he was a great man who was very much concerned with education as a way for us to go forward....He won the general elections because St Lucians knew him well and they had faith in the fact that He would work for the people and with the people...Sir John was well loved by the people....Though young, I know that Sir John has done a great deal for St Lucia and thus, I would like to convey my sincere thanks.....I know God will continue to bless his family and St Lucia as a whole.....

Due to the death of the father of the Nation, Sir John G. M. Compton, our new Prime Minister is Dr Stephenson King....As a result of him being Prime Minister there was a slight reshuffle in the cabinet but basically everything remasined the same... I hope that our new PM will continue Our Father's legacy.....

I will come back to politics another time but at this moment, I would like to introduce you to a new addition to our family, Princess Caitlin A. Kisna.....Jenin's and Matthew's daughter.....This child was born on the 20th September 2007 at 6 am at 8 lbs 15 ozs....When I found out she was born, that was honestly, the most joyous day of my life.....I could think of no one but her and i was prompted to call everybody i knew to inform them that this angel was finally born....From the moment I saw her, I can tell you that I have never ever loved any body more than I love her.....I felt an immediate bond......A bond that makes me want to protect her and love her forever.....

I have always liked children but this feeling was totally new to me....Her crying does not disturb or annoy me......everything she does, seems absolutely adorable....I simply want to thank God that this little angel came out beautiful and healthy.....I think she has her Mom's mouth.....LOL...I am severely proud of her mummy for carrying her for nine months and two weeks after her due date.....

Caitlin, I'd just like to tell you that you are incredibly beautiful and no matter what life hands you, you will Always be loved by us all.....Your Mummy and Daddy are the happiest and the cutest parents I have ever seen....Congratulations you guys..... I love you....

Merlie

Im longing for Heaven

2007-05-18T15:27:00.000-07:00

Hi there... yes i do recognize that I am almost a stranger.... but i am here now and that's all that matters.... I desperately need to converse with you on the state of our government, but according to Rick Wayne, I will leave that for another show.

It's friday evening and i am truly thankful for the fact that the Lord has brought me through another week. We may not realize this but everyday we are alive, it is because of God and he's wonderful, miraculous powers...

I am far from perfect! In fact, there are times when I do absolutely everything wrong and there are times when i say and think wrong things. I admit it, I am a christian but a far from perfect one. As a christian, i believe that the Saviour Jesus Christ died to redeem us from our sins. As a christian I believe that in order to maintain a close relationship with God, we have to spend time in He's word. Through fervent study of the bible, i believe we attain a connection with our heavenly father. As a christian I believe that there is a need for faith in the relationship with God.

As a christian, i believe that we should always try to preach the gospel in everything we do because according to Paul, faith without works is dead and in Hebrew, a book of the bible, he stated that Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. As a christian i believe that with God, all things are possible.

Now i will admit that as a christian, it is not easy. In fact many times you will falter like i have in many of the choices that i have made but no matter what, i believe that God works. In 1 chronicles 4:10, Jabez simply asked for what he desired and God gave him that which he had requested. Jabez began he's prayer like this "God that you may bless me indeed...." that is what faith is all about my friends and in this case, Jabez had enough faith to ask for what he wanted and expect that God would provide. That is the true kind of faith that all christians should have. I am in desperate need of that kind of unwavering FAITH.

God is never late and if we simply believe in Him and His word, I believe that we would achieve our utmost desires. We simply have to ask and believe without any doubt in our minds that we will truly recieve what we have asked for.

Friends, I am truly longing for heaven. It is truly ridiculous to allow small things in this world to prevent us from going to Heaven. The ten commandments and the entire bible has given us the law as to how we should live. The father sent his only begotten son to die on the cross, i believe that it within us to try our best to follow Christ after all that He has done for us. Friends, i am truly longing for my Heavenly home. This place that has promised to be wonderful because there will be no more pain or sorrow, poverty, hatred, murders and so on. I think whether you are Atheist, Hindu or whatever, there is still this element of hope within, that after death, there is something.

Well friends, that something is Jesus. After death, Jesus Christ has promised us a second coming and He has suggested in He's word that the dead in Christ shall rise first and they will be caught up to meet Him in the air. Friends, I cannot wait for that day. I am truly longing for heaven. I beg of you, do not allow alcohol, gambling, sex, lies, stealing, lusting, covetousness, envy and all of these things to keep you from walking side by side with the Son of God, Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Friends, I pray that your life will be blessed by the holy touch of God. Until we meet again, goodbye!

Hmmmmmm? Ok then!!!

2006-12-19T10:01:00.000-08:00

Hi there guys, Im back with some news! It could be good or bad but it depends on which side of the fence that you are on. Well, our eighty something Prime Minister has chosen his cabinet and they had the swearing in of the Ministers at the official residence of the Prime Minister.

So, we have as our Minister of Youth and sports, Hon. Lenard Montoute! He should be very effective in that position, as he seems to be very nsync with the youth of the country and the division of sports....what else is there to say?....he is Hon. Lenard Spider Montoute!....hmmmmmm!!!

I am hastily jumping into the position of Minister of Education, as he is one of our own, Hon. Arsene James...born and bred in the Micoud South district! His position should be seen as fitting, as he was in the education business for a number of years, he is a retired principal of the Micoud Secondary school and as he stated today, he keeps abreast with the daily issues of education via the internet and other such methods....so who is better for the job???....Our eighty something prime minister must have been in "sound" mind when he came up with such a decision because it is sooo fitting! What else is there to say, except maybe, HON. ARSENE JAMES is our new Minister of Education. Hmmmmm??....Ok then!!!

Now, here is another fitting decision our eighty something prime minister made, Hon. Alan Chastanet, is the Minister of Tourism and Civil Aviation!!! Should i say anymore??? I mean, you do know who Hon. Alan Chastanet is?? Of course you do, he is the minister of TOURISM....have you ever heard of this particular man, who is the president of the St Lucia Hotel and Tourism Association and former Marketing VP at Air Jamaica?...Well do you realize why this position is so well placed?....Hon. Alan Chastanet is the Minister of tourism because to our eighty something Prime Minister he will do the best job possible! He will be working within a web, he knows exceptionally well....Hmmmmmm??...Ok then!!!

Our Prime Minister, developed this particular ministry for the underpriviledged folk who are not able to attain proper housing and the fact that over a ten year period, we have an unusual number of slum living.....This particular Ministry was given to Honourable Richard Fredrick!! ....You know who Hon. Richard Fredrick is and our reliable and critical thinking Prime Minister has suggested that, Hon Fredrick is the most appropriate person for the job....Truly, who am I to disagree?...Our PM suggested that he is suitable because of his experience as a police officer...he knows the people and what affects them and the reasons they stoop to such poverty stricken living. Hon. Richard Fredrick????....Last night, an individual called on Claudius Francis' show and suggested that since Hon. Richard Fredrick makes soo many references to God, maybe he should follow this one commandment that suggests, "thou shalt not steal"....I do not know where she got that from!! I mean, is the man a thief?...Did you hear of any convictions?....Our PM says he is the best man for the job!!!....Hmmmmmmm?....Ok then!!!

We have Hon. Dr Keith Mondesir, as the Minister for Home affairs and National Security. Of course we do know who Dr Keith Mondesir is because many of us must have been treated by him a hundred times! Yes, indeed he is a good medical doctor, nobody could dispute that. Hon. Keith Mondesir knows what to do to make a sore throat go away, he knows what to do to stop a belly ache! We cannot dispute, the Minister is a Good doctor. Our PM has seen it fit to make him the minister for National security and I can completely understand why he did that. I mean with the man's Medical background.....well, it was the obvious choice!!! After being sworn in, Hon. Dr Mondesir said that he would do his best in the position that was given to him and he was not shy to say that he would appreciate the help of the people in order to fight the increase in crime. However, Im certain there was some noise about the good doctor being charged with assault more than once...Hmmmm??.....Hon. John George Melvin Compton was right, as he has made the best possible choice for that position and only a man of sound mind could be so well "aware".....Hmmmmm?.....Ok then!!!

Hon. Ezechiel Joseph and Hon. Marcus Nicholas(JR) as Minsters for Agriculture, forestry, fisheries...Hon. Gaspard Charlemagne as Jr Minister of Education, Hon. Rufus Bousquet as the Minister of External affairs, broadcasting etc.....Hon Guy Joseph, as the Minister for communication, works, transport and public utilities....lol....Im sorry, i couldnt help myself....Hon. Guy Mayers and Hon. Edmund Estephane(jr), as the ministers for trade, industry and commerce, Hon. Ausbert Duvergne in Economic Affairs, Hon. Stephenson King in Health and Ummmmm....Hon. Charlotte Elizabeth Teresa Tessa Mangal in the affairs of family, social transformation, human(Jr).....

Well ladies and Gentlemen, these are the members of our cabinet....Our PM made the best decision for our country and for the people, so that, as he states, "we can begin the healing process"...that sounds like the SLP were a bunch of blood suckers who wounded us very deeply and critically....o well, thats just me....

I would appreciate your views on our well able cabinet and your thoughts on our PM's choice.....As i have told you, I am in a critical state of shock so I can only tell you what I have heard....

Anyway guys, at this point: Adios!! I will catch ya'll later!!

Change the train of thought

2006-12-18T09:58:00.000-08:00

Well, hello again guys! I just came from Dennery, at the school and every body i meet is still very much amazed at the elections! It is actually the hottest thing going on! People are arguing and making allegations about both parties, threatening each other and every thing else....Wow!!! Im truly amazed and still stunned!!

Well, i think i should try to change the topic that is consuming our thoughts at this point! Let's see!! Where exactly can I go! Im not trying to trivialize the fact that all of our lives may or may not be in jeopardy....lol....Im just trying to transfer our attention, so that we may not die of a heart attack because of sheer joy or complete rage....lol...In my case, it could simply be "death by the ultimate shock" after all, who could truly fathom that the UWP is the new government of St Lucia? I mean really? Not even the UWP themselves! They must certainly still be in shock! The evening of elections, my Mom and my other significant family members did everything but cry! We are still consumed by the shock ! I think Jenin still goes around listening to the news for the tiny hope that the outcome of the elections was a humongous error because, I mean, the SLP, lost!!!!

So, in an attempt to change the subject, I have decided to ask a very serious question. Are we really ready for the second coming of Christ? To tell you the truth, I dont think that I am! I am not sure when I will be ready but it is always a good idea to try our best to remain close to Christ, no matter what we may be battling in our lives. I can tell you that it is not very easy to stay grounded in Christ, especially with the many temptations that look so very desirous to us. However, with indepth and fervent study of the bible, we can attain a a relationship with God. In order for that relationship to be sustained, we need to continue with our morning and evening devotion.

A strong relationship with God will result in strengthening of faith. If our faith grows, then ultimately we will want to go around witnessing and telling others about the love of Jesus. As the bible has commanded, we should go forth and preach the gospel to all the world!

Last Sabbath, at the Ti rocher SDA, pastor Stephen was preaching on Saul, and the drastic change that occurred within him when he got to know Jesus; thus becoming Paul! Paul preached the gospel of Jesus Christ. This was his life's mission and in second Timothy, Paul suggested, " I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith,. Henceforth....." (read your bible)
I dont think we can go about saying that we have fought a good fight or that we have kept the faith, but we could at least try to be like Paul who was imprisoned and yet worshipped, thanked and praised God with his entire being....Let us make this vow to simply have at least some of the faith that Paul possessed!

Anyway guys, it is always nice to talk to you and to hear your views as well! QAt this point, Arriverderci! Until we meet again!

Not Dead Yet

2006-12-17T12:11:00.000-08:00

Hi there guys! Really, I am not dead, Yet!! I have simply been a bit busy! I have been going to Clendon Mason and watching tv....you know the usual....lol....
Well, actually Im kidding! But lets see, i have just been working and socialising and so on. School was just closed last week! I suppose i have been a bit busy and I am so sorry for that!

Well, lets see, what's first on the agenda? Elections?! Of course!! We had that on the 11th of December and I am not sure whether you were shocked but I am not going to lie to you, I am still in shock! I expected the United Workers Party to win some seats, but guys eleven!! Eleven!!! I never expected that! That seriously was a shock! Places like Babonneau, Gros Ilet and so many other places that I thought the St Lucia Labour party was going to win.....O well....

So, we have got a new government, ladies and gentlemen! We have an eighty something man as our Prime Minister! We have to simply wait and see! Hon John Compton says that age is just a number and i agree with him a hundred percent! But i think there is a point when we have to stop suggesting that age is just a number! Though age is just a number, time takes a toll on memory, speech and the ability to think clearly and critiically! But anyway, who am I to suggest anything here! I am barely into adulthood.... :-)

The St Lucia Labour Party won six seats (the opposition now) and the UWP won eleven! So now, we are just waiting! The majority voted the UWP, so they must have something to offer, right? St Lucians are not dim witted! They know what is right and what is necessary for the good of the country! I dont think they were brainwashed or anything of that sort! They made the best possible decision for themselves and their country! So, let's wait and see!! Good luck to our new government!!!

Anyway, I am moving right along! Clendon Mason got new staff for the month of september! Really eager, young, intelligent persons! Not bad! Met this teacher, she is sort of a new teacher, but not really because she was there before! Her name is Ms Monrose! She is actually Wendy's cousin! I adore her, i love Clendon Mason just because.......She is a really lovely individual; very funny, kind and a whole lot of wonderful things.....I hope to introduce her to you at some point in time!!

So seriously guys, I have missed you so very much! Thank you for always reading and always commenting!!

Talk to you Later! For now, Adieu!!!!

Dreams

2006-07-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

Hey there guys, its me again! From the moment I got to know myself, i have made these guys my heroes! Not only because they are black but because they were able to achieve so much inspite of their hindrances.
I have come to the conclusion that my life here, right now is too simple. But if I had lived around the time of Martin Luther King Jr and I had matched alongside him, just once, I would possess unimaginable greatness. This man did so much for black people, opened up avenues for us. Around his time, inspite of the oppression, it would have been great to live. It would have been great to fight for freedom and to yearn for equality. I find this life, now, rather boring. Im not saying that black people should still be kissing the feet of whites, just to get into a grocery store. Im saying that black people should become so unified that no one could touch us. Im saying that we should not forget how far we have come.

But what do I know, Im from St. Lucia and all I do is dream, pretty much...lol... No but seriously, i really do dream! I dream about Derek Walcott, a great writer and philosopher. If it were not for Martin Luther King Jr., he would not be so great. But that's not the point! The point is, that He is Great and i would give pretty much anything to be as great a writer and philosopher as he is, and will forever be. Derek Walcott, had this theory of Appropriation. I understand, that he believes that, we, are neither white nor black, neither Indian nor Caucasian, but we are Caribbean. We were born with different ingredients; not being a specific thing, if not for Caribbean. I also understand from his work that we should allow ourselves to accept our past experiences and move on from them. Most people allow things that happened to them in the past, to hinder them, for example a black man's excuse for not putting dreams forward or not trying to fulfill dreams is this, "we were born slaves, we can do no better" or their excuse for cheating is this "in the time of slavery, black men were allowed more than one mate and as a result, it is impossible for a black man to stay faithful"
Excuses! Excuses! Excuses! This is why I love Derek Walcott, because he bluntly states, "appropriate, do not abrogate" In that we should not be afrocentric and suggest that because of our past we are who we are or rather wallow in self pity and past pains. We should learn to accept the fact that, in our pasts we were wronged and then, move on from it. In one of Walcott's poems, he talks about "finding progress outward". I believe it was Keats who said we should find new pheonix wings. We should always try our best to rise from the ashes because wallowing will only hinder our progress.

Martin Luther King Jr's dream was for blacks to find a place in this society and given all the opportunity to better themselves. Derek Walcott has shown us that despite where we come from, we can always be somebody. We should always dream and try our best to fulfill those dreams. I am in this respect, proud, not to be black or white or indian but to be Caribbean ( a mixture of several different ingredients: white, African, Indian etc) and proud of the work that Derek Walcott has done so well.

Another of my favourite people is Maya Angelou; I hope to become as good a writer, as Maya Angelou someday. She is one of the greatest African American writers. She writes so aptly and with a great purpose. I always gain some sort of reassurance from Angelou's writings. She is some how always speaking to me. Always suggesting that no matter how many obstacles are placed forward, I will overcome. I love her writings! At this point, one that comes to mind is, My grandmothers. I think that throughout Angelou's poems she epitomises strength and courage in blacks and in women. Another of her great works i can remember at this point, is Yet still, I rise. This writer/poet speaks to me. She tells me that, not only can I dream but I am able to fulfill my dreams, as black and as woman.

I have now introduced you to three of the people i believe are truly great and somehow they have touched me and taught me, that i should always look forward and make my dreams come true.

Anyway guys, i will give you a break now and i promise you that we will talk some other time!!! Arriverderci!!!!!

I am Changed

2006-07-19T17:16:00.000-07:00

I am Changed

Music filled,
I say if you don’t like me,
Don’t look at me!
I have become a listener of rock,
Showing love with no restraint!
Yet,
Portraying disadvantages in loving.

I say,
If you don’t like what I do,
Turn away!
I say,
If you don’t like what I say,
Don’t listen.
Because despite your objections,
I will do.
And despite your disagreement,
I will say!

Humans cannot be pleased,
So why try?
Family members are as tight as the loosest screw,
Pretentious!
Feigning love!
Mournful!
Why try with anyone?

Live life angry!
You get depressed!
Live life happy,
Someone will still piss you off!!!
But life,
Still deserves to be lived!
I choose to happily rock through life!

Music possessed,
I am not the same.
I don’t smile the way I used to.
I dont care as much.
And love to me, is slowly dying.
But I love, nonetheless.
Because living life is loving.

I still love
And I still live!
Though differently now,
Not caring,
Whether I look good to so called family.
Or whether I look bad to so called friends.
I am very different!
If you don’t like what I do,
Do not look at me!
If you don’t like what I say,
Do not listen!!
But I will continue to say!
And I will continue to do!
Because I am not living for you!

My philosophy now,
Is to live a music filled life,
Rock filled to be more specific!
I will live,
Not caring,
Who sees!
Who agrees!
Or who disagrees!

I will not hear your complaints!
I will not hear your objections!
I will not see your filthy looks!
As I am well,
Rocking through life,
Not caring whether you like it or not!
We all need to live!
We all need to move on!
I choose to do so,
Rocking through life.
And not caring whether you disagree with my
Lifestyle,
My words,
My actions!!!
I am rocking!!!
Through music, I am living life!!!!

NB: HEY GUYS, THIS IS A POEM I WROTE A FEW MINUTES AGO AND I AM SURE YOU CAN TELL THE MOOD I AM IN! I WILL CERTAINLY TALK TO YOU AGAIN! BUT NOT RIGHT NOW! SO I BID YOU A VERY GOOD NIGHT!! ARRIVERCI!!!!

New Haircut

2006-06-11T11:15:00.000-07:00

Hi there guys! Do you like my new haircut? Well actually, i told you that I cut my hair but i gave you a fairy tale version! First of all, I would like you to know that I am not married to a handsome prince and we did not have a son either! But i did cut my hair on a friday night and my mom did fix it because the first cut looked more awful than awful can possibly look!! Anyway, this picture was actually taken at Myia's Birthday lunch at Pointe Sable! We had an incredibly good time there!!

Then, after that, Jenin wanted to see an old friend of theirs, so we went over to Cedar Heights and what amazed me was the fact that a male and female horse were trying to get their freak on!! You should have been there to see exactly how they went about doing what came naturally to them!! I will not go on to explain what they did because it will surely be disgusting!! I can only say, that after that, the horses did not part as friends.....lol...

Don't have much to say so I will let you go now!! So right now, i say Adieu!!!!!!!

Im outta my Trance

2006-06-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

Hi there guys! Was I missed? There's no doubt!!!So why am I asking?....lol...Well, I was busy doing a whole lot of stuff! So where do you want me to start? from the beginning or the end?....lol...Im just messing around! But before I start, I would like to introduce you to one of the most important members of the Samuel household ( the golden child)...Suki Samuel who is owned by Myia but loved by all of us and yes, she is as cute as she looks!

Well, let's see!! What's going on? Well actually, i told you about Rosa and her daughter right??? Well, it turns out that th e father was the one who killed Kayla Michelle! He confessed to the police that the child would not stop crying and as a result, he hit her really hard to shut her up. She hit her head against the wall and then fell backwards! The blow to the head caused her to pass out and he noticed that his daughter was out cold, so he began giving her CPR! I suppose, he performed the CPR wrongly because as we know that CPR is not supposed to be performed on a child in the manner that one would perform it on an adult! But the young man, being ignorant of that fact tried to perform CPR on his daughter and as a result crushed every single organ within Kayla Michelle's fragile body!! Yep, so Kayla's Dad is the one who ended her very short life!! This, indeed, is very sad!!!!

Well, moving on to brighter things, "Once upon a time, on a lovely friday evening, after removing her braids, a lovely young lady realised that she was fed up with her hair, so as an intelligent solution, she decided to cut off her own her. At first, her hair looked terrible but with much effort and a handy pair of scissors her Mom and Dad fixed the lovely young lady's hair. As a result of that hair cut, many handsome princes were attracted to the young lady! But being a respectable individual, she decided to pick one Prince and then marry him! In doing so, she had a beautiful son and the three of them lived happily ever after......".....lol....Well, guys I did cut off my hair, so i have a very special hair cut which I am going to show you some other time!!

Moving on, I removed my tonsils last week Wednesday!! Yeaaaah!!! Right!!! I spent three days in the hospital and it was the most awful experience!! In fact, i have been starving ever since that surgery and the only things i can swallow are ummmmmm, jello, cold apple juice and water!! Yippppeeeee!!!!!!Men, Im starving!!! Im not kidding!!! Anyway, my tongue was hurting, the corners of my mouth were too and it was difficult to swallow my own spit and the best part was, when i spoke, my throat bled!!! Well, that was the most fun Ive ever had!! I tried eating pumpkin soup!! Pumpkin soup, for crying out loud but i couldnt get it to go down my throat. And the bit that did go down my throat?.....Ouuuuuuuuuuuuch!!!!! Listen, whilst i was under anesthesia, my cousin, Brad, was in the operating room and he told me that i gave a whole lot of trouble....lol...knowing me, i dont expect anything less......lol...Well, actually, he said i was mumbling a bunch of nonsense and then i refused to stay down! I think i flew the IVY that was stuck in my arm across the room and i kept calling his name! He was joking me a whole lot afterwards, he said i had blood trickling down my mouth and i was calling out his name whilst the blood made bubbles in my mouth!!!.....lol....eeeeeweeee!!!!! Anyways, I dont feel much pain anymore because i think Im high on pain medication but i still sound semi retarded!! I know some people are thanking God that I cant talk but when I start talking properly, I will have a whole lot to say!!! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!

I cant wait to go to school! I actually miss it! Well, not the students so much!! Well, maybe my homeroom but mostly the teachers....Well, i shouldnt say the teachers, I miss a specific group of persons and Im sure they know themselves if they think reeeeeaaaallllly hard.....lol....Kidding!!!!!

Its always, somewhat of a pleasure dudes!!!! Arriverderci!!!!!

Miracles.......Human faults

2006-05-15T15:39:00.000-07:00

Hey there guys! Did you miss me? I hope not, because i did not miss you at all!!!Guys, i have sooo much to say but Im soooo exhausted!!!!I have been doing very insignificant things, like watching "Grey's Anatomy"....lol....Im not kidding!!!By the way i mispoke, Grey's Anatomy is not insignificant!!!!IT'S BETTER THAN ER!!!!!.....lol....Anyway guys, this picture portays the Anse ger waterfalll You could get there by passing behind my Mom's house......whoa!!!!!!......lol....
Seriously guys, my cousins daughter was killed a few days ago and no one actually knows who did it!!The post mortem shows that the child had several injuries in the head and most of her organs were crushed and as a result this caused internal bleeding !!! All this for a two year old???? Her name is Kayla Camille and she was a lovely child who was born to very young parents and as a result she paid for it!!! Her father and aunt are in police custody because there has been talk of those two doing sooo much to a harmless child!!! A two year old, for crying out loud!!!!! The mother has been arrested twice because of certain things that persons have said!!! But seriously guys, what could a two year have done to cause her unimaginable hurt!!! People are not supposed to be that cruel!!!! I cant imagine why someone would harm their own child!!!! Anyway, my cousin and her mother are home, cryin and feeling awful and the father and his siter are still in police custody!!! Actually, they were arrested at the airport because for some reason they were in a hurry to leave the country the day after the guy's daughter died!!! Anyway, i think the child's death was awful and Im not saying that it was the Dad who killed her but the person who hurt her, surely deserves to be imprisoned!!! She is after all a child!!!!!!! The Bible suggest that "the love of man wax cold" and yes indeed that is the truth!!!! Im am very troubled by how incapable or rather, how impossible it is for some humans to show compassion!!!!

Anyway, on a brighter note, I am able to tell you of how wonderful and miraculous God is!!!Sweney Philip, a member from my church suffered a heat stroke whilst in England and as a result he was comatose for a good while!!His church family and his family as a whole were very concerned about him, so we allowed prayer to be our guide!!!The church and a group of us young people, Claire (his aunt), Keralyn, Me, Brad, Cordia, Norsika, Shena, Ryan and every body else who knew him....a whole lot of us, prayed and fasted and prayed some more!!Then the news came that he opened his eyes but he couldnt recognize his family!!So we decided to pray some more and the call came that he was able to sit up and recognize his family!!!So we were compelled to pray some more and then another call came, he was able to walk around and he was able to eat!!!Praise the Lord!!!But he still could not talk properly, only in a whisper!!!So we called upon God, and then he made the call to his Aunt Claire, to say "Im fine".....I strongly believe that that was a miracle and no one could convince me otherwise!!!!

Anyway, i got to go but i would just like to remind you that it is always good to give glory and praise to the Lord and believe in Him with all your heart because he is a Healer and everything else you'd like him to be!!!!!!

Arriverderci!!!!!!

Holy Spirit Come and Fill this Place

2006-04-30T10:57:00.000-07:00

Hey there guys, it's me again!!I just wanted to tell you about my Sabbath yesterday and my day today because i can tell you without hesitation that i was truly blessed! Yesterday, Jenin preached at the Agape Seventh Day Adventist church and i did not favour the sermon because my cousin was the one preaaching. I enjoyed the sermon because i thought truly that God was working through her to bring a message to the congregation. She preached about the fact that Satan is trying his best to take control of us to follow him and keep us out of Heaven! She gave stories about a man named Morneau who suggested that the Devil is making it his business to trap Seventh Day Adventists so that our work for God would be inhibited.She told the church a story about this particular group of people who thought they were seeing angels of God and as a result, the angels told them to leave the church and they did and the angels went as far as convincing them that they had to rid the world of certain people who were demon possessed! That is what the people believed and truly they thought that God's angels were the ones guiding them, so they had no problems with committing murder because it was commanded by "god's angels"! But really. what was happening is that Satan's Angels were impersonating themselves as angels of light and as a result those people got caught up! However, the Bible declares that if we are grounded and we remain grounded in the word of the Lord, we will be able to recognize these impersonators and shun them in the name of Jesus and with the word of God.

Satan is trying hard each day to take control of our lives and as a result prevent us from praising, worshipping and witnessing as we are supposed to.Yesterday, during Jenin's sermon, i tell you that i could seriously feel the presence of God. God did not only work through Jenin with her sermon but also in song and seriously when she sang "holy spirit come and feel this place" God was no doubt in the Agape Seventh Day Adventist church. That was not the end of such a movimg sermon, she called on the church to come forward for prayer and she asked all of the elders to come on the pulpit! Elder Tyrone James prayed for the youth of the church, then Elder Mervin Mark prayed for the children and Elder Magdalene prayed and I tell you, that was the moment where every heart in the church was touched. My cousins cried (Norsika and Brad) and my heart melted. Sis Magdalene prayed for the church and she called upon the Holy Spirit and she begged him to forgive us, she begged him to come upon us, she begged him for everything possible and i can truly say that the holy spirit came upon each heart and softened even the hardest of hearts. Yesterday, was no doubt, a glorious sabbath day and I am so very pleased that I am a Seventh Day Christian and that God has called each and every one of us to work for Him in some way or another!

Now after i was soo sincerely blessed yesterday, Elder Matthew and a group of youth(Norsika, Shervane, Cordia, Ryan, Brad, Diane and I) went out to work in a small community in Blanchard called "Tee Too" where we prayed with everyone who desired prayer and gave tracts to them also and seriously that was a blessing! We had fun in the holy spirit! We gave out tracts to any and everybody and we prayed with the people who asked for prayer! There was this instant, where Norsika (my cousin and I), left our group and we went lower down to two elderly people's homes and i tell you, i was definitely blessed! The second lady that we prayed with cried whilst i was praying for her and she was sooo moved that after the prayer, she couldnt stop thanking us! She even offered us mangoes, in order to thank us some more! I can tell you that it is no doubt very important to work for God because you feel a joy greater than any joy possible!!

So i urge you to read your bibles and work for God as best you can because that is all we can do in this life!Nothing in this life is worth more than serving , praising, worshipping, and witnessing for God! We should never forget that! At some point, no matter where we are, we should just be able to say "Holy Spirit come and fill this place" and then we will see God move mountains in our lives! Give God all the praise, nothing in this life is greater than Him! We will be going around to pray for people in different communities every Sunday, so i urge you to do the same thing in your community! Share the love of our great God, who sent His son upon the cross to die for our wretched sins!!!!!

Thank you for the listening ear guys!! I will talk to you soon! Adios!!!!!

My Other Mom

2006-04-22T19:40:00.000-07:00

Hi there guys, it's me again!! Im sorry, i have been completely ignoring you for the past two weeks!! But listen, i have a very good excuse!! I have been asleep!! I am serious, i have been sleeping for two weeks! There were moments where i appeared to be awake, but really, i was only sleep walking, like, when i went to church this morning, i appeared completely awake but the fact is my memory of today is very hazy!! We had communion, i think!! Yeah, we had communion today, to celebrate Jesus and His shedding of blood upon the cross and the passover, where He washed each of the disciples feet(we do wash each other's feet, ya know?) and then after we had the symbols of the unleaven bread and unfermented wine (grape juice)....Yeah and AY was cool.....obviously!!!Sister Magdalene took up AY, and seriously, i think everything Sister Magdalene is involved in, in church is always powerful , educational and very meaningful.....
Anyway dudes, i would like you to meet my second Mom! Her name is Wendy Monrose! I have spoken about her in my Introduction! My past teacher, you know.....the bossy one?....lol...Well, this would be her! I can tell you that when i was at Secondary school, she was an incredible teacher and any subject she taught, you would fall in love with it because she taught so forcefully!! I have gotten the pleasure of knowing Wendy and i can tell you that she is very very very bossy and rude.....lol...She is an amazing friend and teacher!! Very intelligent and incredibly wise and she makes it her duty to impart her knowledge upon me! I always ask her advice on any subject because i know that she will always stir me in the right direction! She is also a very opinionated, independent and strong willed individual! There are very few adjectives to describe the person of Wendy Monrose because she is the most complex and wonderful being in my life! I will not endeavour to explain her further but i will tell you this, she is one person that i have great admiration for and i would like to become a woman as amazing, gifted, wise, independent and as generous as she is!!!Oh yeah.....i forgot, i also aspire to be as savage as she is....lol...Im only kidding, she is not savage, i just like telling her that she is....lol....dont tell her please!! I'd like her to go on thinking that I think she is savage......cause to tell you the truth, she kinda is.....lol....
Hey, i love and appreciate everything about her, so dont mind me please!! Anyway, i just wanted you to meet my mother and now you have!! By the way, i have the two cutest baby brother and sister....lol...D'mii is the cutest boy in the world!!!!!!

Im gonna go now guys!!! Talk to you soon i hope!! Arriverderci!!!!

Just a Family of Crazies

2006-04-09T17:08:00.000-07:00

Hey there, it's me again!I have been wanting to put Myia Samuel on this blog for awhile now because i have spoken about her a whole lot! But seriously, take a look at this pic.....doesnt she look a bit nuts???I thought i should get a better picture but then, i decided against it!! This shows her true colors!!! Now Myia is someone i have been emulating from the day i was born and as a result I am nuts.....lol....
Myia is incredibly smart!Everything she does, she does it to the best of her ability!She is very generous and ridiculously funny!!She is funny to a point of insanity!!! She always tells the truth, despite the fact that it may hurt!! I have looked up to Myia for a very long time and I am proud of her very "special" personality!! She jokes with you now and ten seconds later, an explosion can take place!!! She has been there ALOT for me!! Being my big sister and my my best friend!!Although our relationship was slightly injured when she went off to study, but no one and nothing can replace this weird, loving, crazy, funny, beautiful person in my life!!!
You know, sometime ago, we had a fight because she had said that i replaced her with a particular individual!! I just thought she should be reminded that "she is, no doubt, irreplaceable"

Anyway, i have got to say, Ciao!!!!

Duh Cheese

2006-04-09T10:55:00.000-07:00

Hey guys, it's me again!! I would like you to meet "duh cheese"! His actual name is Matthew Kisna and he is married to Jenin! You remember Jenin, dont you? There is a picture of her in my Introduction and just to further refresh your memory "the cause of all my problems"....lol...Anyway, Jenin and Matthew have been married for a while now and he still thinks Jenin is "purrfect".....Love i say, is sooooo blind.....lol....Im kidding!! But seriously, Matthew, is a great guy, he is kind, intelligent, wise and funny in a weirdo sort of sense....lol...Nah, he is funny! He is really caring and a very nice young man altogether! I think Jenin made the one right choice in her entire life.....lol...He is a great older brother for me and an amazing christian!He loves and fears God and he believes that nothing should be more important than following Christ and preaching His word to all!!I really admire him and Im very proud of him as a person!!
Now, the truth about him....He thinks he is duh cheese and what i mean by this is, he thinks he is just soooooo fuh---ine!!If you say something like"Matt, you look nice today".....His response will be either, "I know" or "I always look nice"....Just before he leaves the house, he must always check to see if any hairs are out of place.....lol....What hairs?.....He is bald!!!!
What do you think????? Is he "duh cheese"????......Ummmmmmmmmmmm....Nah!!!!.....lol...Maybe in Jenin's eyes!!!.....Im only kidding Matty!!!

Adios dudes!!!!!

My Make...... "something"

2006-04-09T09:53:00.000-07:00

Hey there guys, its me again!! Im sure in the earlier picture of Denis and I, you noticed something very different about my hair!! Well, i grew it over night....lol...Nah!! I dont know if this was the makeover that Jenin and Myia were looking for but at least, they got one! This was the best i could do without getting anything completely shaved off!!!....lol...Now what i plan to do is leave this in my hair for an extremely long time! I intend to allow my natural hair to grow over the braids and when it has turned to locks completely, then i will cut off the ends of the braids!!! What do you think? Nasty, huh? Well, who cares what you think??? Definitely, not me!!! I think the new look goes with me pretty well!!
Anyway, i went to church yesterday and it was awesome!! Actually, i wanted t0 go to Mon repos because it was the final sabbath of the crusade but Im glad i did not go! In fact, i decided to go to my church, the Desruisseaux Agape Seventh Day Adventist Church, and i was truly blessed by the entire service!! Sister Magdalene did the sermon.It was based on the story where Jesus came into the temple and he became angry when he saw that the people transformed His holy place into a market place! A place where people bought and sold and if you were poor, it would be impossible to enter the temple!!She spoke of the fact that, the people's menatlity was this; if you had money, Heaven would be easily accessible to you but if you were poor, Heaven would be an impossibility!!
When Jesus walked into the temple and he saw all these things happening in a place that was supposed to be considered holy, a place where people were supposed to come in freely to worship His Father and to Pray, He became angry!!! He had every right to portray anger!!
Not only was He angry because of their actions in the temple but he was angry because on His way to the temple, He saw the blind, the poor, the lame, begging for enough money to buy a dove to sacrifice, so their children would be saved!!This was not His Father's teachings, this was not written in the word!Jesus was angry and He ensured that the persons who were using Christ's temple as a market place knew what they were doing and knew exactly who He was: the Son of God!! He healed the lame, blind, deaf and weary and Nicodemus was so amazed by Him.....
Come on, you need to read this for yourself!!! See, how the Bible is interesting? You need to read the four gospels, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John!! They are truly incredible!!

Anyway, I have got to say Adieu!!!

Meet my CUZ

2006-04-04T14:31:00.000-07:00

Hey guys! It's me again! Im sorry that I have been missing in action( i was a bit busy)!Anyway, i have been very good! I went to church at Mon Repos on Saturday, It was awesome!!Im always blessed by Pastor Biscette! Sunday, i cant remember much but i was fully satisfied...lol....(my hunger i mean)! Monday and Tuesday were busy days at Clendon Mason (putting in grades and all that jazz)! Took up most of my energy!But i have to look at the bright side of every aspect , so the bright side is, "staying late at Clendon Mason is better than nothing because i do not have a life and I cant stay away, so i come back very early the next morning" The very wise words of Michelle Martie.....lol....Its true, Im not embarrassed at alll! Not one bit! As i have told you before, I am very proud of my lack of "activities"......lol......
Anyway guys, i would like to introduce you to my cousin! He is the one i was talking about in the "Introduction" His name is Brad and I have known him my entire life! In fact we were born in the same month being only a few days apart! Naturally, Im the older one!!! We went to pre school together and then off to primary school! We spent a good bit of time at primary school, fighting and being very good friends! Then we parted when we moved on to secondary school and A level! Though we did not go to the same schools after primary, I felt that i knew all of the students that he knew and vice versa because we made it our business to talk about everything that happened and continued to happen in our lives!! I can safely say that i can talk to Denis about every and anything! He is an excellent listener and adviser and an even better confidante! I have known him all my life (literally) and there is absolutely nothing bad i can say about him (except maybe......when we were really young, he used to grow his nails and when we used to fight, he used to scratch me......OUCH.......lol....)Other than that, I know that he is smart....incredibly smart!!!! Selfless, in that, he can never say no! Every and anything you ask him to do, he will!!Unless it's porn and Im not even sure he'd say no to that......lol....Im kidding!!! Im not sure if Im kidding! He would give until he had nothing left to give and I am not making this up!!!!
I know he sounds perfect but he is not!! He is as crazy as I am!! Or even more so!! He gives the weirdest, meanest and nastiest jokes!! He has a special sense of humour that i totally get and he is just without a doubt nuts!! If you spent an hour with him, you would either be laughing your butt off or thinking about the easiest way to kill him......lol....I laugh whilst thinking of the easiest way to kill him!!!! We just say we are crazy and we accept it and look on the very bright side
of our craziness " you can either love us or hate us and sooner or later those who hate us, will love us"

That's right dudes! It's the truth and by the way, how do you think he looks in this picture? He thinks he doesnt look good in pix! Oh and dont think your opinion is worth much even though you took your cool time to express yourself!!! We just will not care either way!!!!

Bye y'all!! Talk to you soon, you hear??

Make Over? Make Under? Make Never?

2006-03-26T13:48:00.000-08:00

Hi there people, it's me again! What do you guys think of this picture?Last week my cousins, namely; Jenin and Myia decided that they were going to give me a make over and guess what?This is the difference!!Is there really a difference?Tell me because seriously the only change i can clearly see is the necklace....lol....really, that is all i can see!!Anyway guys, Im just home listening to music....not doing anything of great significance!!I was told that i needed a makeover!Let me quote Jenin, "You need to accentuate your natural beauty"!I seriously do not have a problem with the way I look but I was also told that i looked like I am not being cared for.....ouch!!!!....That came from Myia by the way.Ouch, Ouch!!!
O well, that was their argument the last time when i relaxed my hair and now I need another makeover....O crap....
Whatever!This really doesnt matter to me!But they are saying I need to shave my eyebrows or pluck some out.....Dont I shave or pluck out everything else??....lol....Im kidding!!!But seriously I dont have any isssues with my brows but mybe i should get a hair cut or grow natural!These are my only two options because i hate relaxed hair and it is really getting on my nerves!!So, what do you think???Dont think just because Im asking, that your opinion means something to me because it really doesnt.....lol...
Moving on, two more weeks and then school will be closed for the easter vacation!!Yae!!!I can not wait for that!!No offence to the pupils who are in desperate need of knowledge and who yearn for it every second of everyday.....lol....Sarcasm loves me.....lol....

I HAVE GOT TO SAY ARRIVERDERCI!!! So bye for noe dudes!!!!!!!!!!

Missed Ya

2006-03-25T15:01:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, i am sorry i have not been in touch.But I am COOL. I had a busy busy week people! School is taking up All of my time!This is a picture of a student and I at our sports that we had last week wednesday!It was a very good day actually!Students were excited, teachers were getting all riled up and i really enjoyed it! By the way, my house totally lost (St Omer- yellow)!It did not have a terrible effect on me because i was more into Walcott - red house!!Anyway, It was a very good day and it ended early so that's always good!But seriously, you should have seen the teachers, so very overly excited!I was not one of them though, i screamed a bit but I didnt take it as far as a particular teacher; Ms Martie, who insisted on running the races with her students to cheer them on....lol...that was pretty funny.Thats one of the teachers I really like at Clendon Mason, along with Ms St Ange, Ms Nelson, Ms Mathurin and a few others. I really enjoy teaching at this school, surprisingly!!!
The teachers are fun, dedicated and caring, and they put their lives in danger everytime they come to a school where there is no fencing and vagrants and crazies come into the school's yard to beg for money or to fight with a particular student.Yesterday, there was an incident at the school, in which past students simply walked onto the school's compound with cutlasses to fight with a student who was just transferred.Its amazing how those teachers have been exposed to so much danger and yet they make it their duties to come to school everyday. They should definitely be applauded for that and seriously, the school is in dire need of fencing because persons even come on the compound to smoke and have sexual intercourse!This is not a proper environment for working or for learning! Fix the problem because that is the least the teachers who have been there for years deserve!!
O yeah, i had a good day today! I actually went to a district crusade in Mon repos!Pastor Biscette preached and I was seriously moved! It was an incredible sermon, i was nearly pulled to the altar to reconsecrate my life to God!But then, i let the feeling pass i suppose!Im sorry i did though!Church was incredible!!Thank you Pastor Biscette!!
Thank you for listening guys!! Its always a pleasure talking to you!!
Tomorrow?If i dont get to occupied!!!
Later dudes!!!

The Lities

2006-03-12T08:37:00.000-08:00

Hi there guys!I would like to introduce you to the Lities!These are the greatest Literature students that A Level ever came into contact with(Nelsha is missing though).We were called "The Lities" at A Level because we had our own little literature world!We used to insult other students so eloquently, with Shakesspeare and so on.....lol....We used to give jokes and surprisingly enough we were the only ones who got the gist of our jokes.....lol...Allow me to introduce them, starting from the left side, we have Kendy Jean.The voice of reason in our group.Always saying we shouldnt do this or that and she always felt bad for somebody whom we probably slaughtered with our tongues! Of course, you know me!I have always been crazy and quite mean when it comes to some people(i tell them what i think, thats all)Anyway, next to me, on your right, would be Lovely St Aime!She is a wonderful person, really intelligent and the great thing about her is that she doesnt care what anybody thinks so she would say exactly what she thought!A model Litie, I would say....lol...Next to Lovely, is Kaiser Taylor, very intelligent, a wonderful friend with a deadly tongue!When Kaiser tells you what she thinks of you, make sure that you are in a cullet proof vessel because she will shoot you and cut you up like you're nothing....lol....I always liked that about her!!Now Nelsha is not in the pic but I can not talk about the Lities and leave her out!Thats just not right and she would probably kill me!Now Nelsha Roseman, completed our group and our wonderful personalities!She is very intelligent and nice to only the people she likes!Everybody is afraid of Nelsha, and rightly so because she could be sooooo mean!In the most eloquent and Litie way, she would explain exactly what she thought of you and she would always finish up her statemants with an oh so subtle threat...."If i had my gun today"....or....."i would really like to see you dead"....love that and love her....Anyway, we had a motto that we went by in our Group, which was "a litie by a litie valiantly vanquished" ....we were so nuts and I miss that!!O well actually, there were a few set of students who hated our guts at A Level!They took everything we said, personally!Their names were Vernicia Badal and her loyal worshippers, Ksha and Antonia!Those girls just hated us and for some reason we enjoyed every minute of their hatred!Everything that they said we made more fun of them to get them angrier....lol....They even threatened to fight us after exams but that didnt happen.....But we had fun with our enemies!In fact, at some point our voice of reason was feeling sorry for them and so she thought we should lessen our mean attitude and words towards them!....I tried, I called them on the streets and at school and I said hello everytime I saw them!It infuriated them and I loved every moment!!....lol...They tried dropping remarks at us but you should know that nobody can beat the Lities!!!Men, we had fun!!!At school, in our Sociology classes we used to get them more upset because everytime one of us answered a question, they got pissed off!But what they failed to realise is that they were basically idiots, well Antonia and Ksha, to be more specific....lol...If you are reading this guys, I do not know about now but at A Level, you were total idiots!The Lities knew their work so we could kid around!You did not anything but you thought we acted superior, so all throughout Al evel, instead of studying, you concentrated on us!!Oh well, too bad!I hope you are wiser now.....lol...

Anyway guys, i have got to go!Remember though, "A litie by a Litie, valiantly vanquished!"

Later Lities!!!!

My Madness

2006-03-11T16:06:00.000-08:00

Hi there guys, it's me again! I have been a bit busy because of work and everything else, so i have not had much time to say hello!Anyway, I am here now!I had a good day today, being my Sabbath and everything!I actually went to the beach for the morning part of church to concentrate on the beauty of nature and all that jazz! A.Y was lovely, we had a discussion on the church and culture with our AY leader, Elder Matthew Kisna!It was a good discussion!!
Anyway, I would like you to meet my closest and dearest friend in the world, this would be Miss Elpha Neptune!She is a lovely person inside and out!She has tolerated a great deal from me and she can read me like a book because there is nothing about me that she does not know!She is intelligent, kind and loving and anyone of you would be very lucky to make her acquaintance!I consider myself very lucky!!Anyway, Elpha always liked when i wrote poems!She especially liked my love poems because they expressed my real feelings and they were not dark!However, most of my poems are a bit dark for some unknown reason!I guess, I might actually be crazy.....lol....No, i dont think so!!But seriously, judge for yourself!Your verdict will not affect me, I assure you!!This one I wrote sometime late last year!I think, in November(Elpha has not read any of my poems from since October because she is not here)!I hope you will enjoy this one.....lol....Well, actually I know you will not!!!Its a bit nuts!!Oh well, I warned you a long time ago....lol....I will talk to you guys later and Seriously guys, isnt this gal pretty?....I think she's hottt.....lol.....

My Sanity

My soul darkens,
My heart pains,
My eyes have become wild,
My thoughts: have lost control of my actions!
I question life!
I dread each day!
I make myself ill,
Because, physical pain is more logical,
Than emotional agony.

People question my sanity?
I question my sanity!
If I stay here any longer,
I will go mad!
If I stay here any longer,
I will jump off this cliff!
Because there, I will find silence.
There, I will find tranquility.
There, you shall not be.
In death, you shall not be.

Am I sane?Once upon a time,
I jumped off that same cliff,
And I found love…
I found life…

But love…
Love has suddenly neglected me,
Leaving me behind,
Surrounded with memories,
Surrounded with moments!
I long for aloneness,
Peace,
A violent end!

Life…
Life has cheated me out of happiness,
Life has imprisoned me in a dungeon;
Filled with memories,
Desires, real love,
Feigned love,
Infatuation…
Feelings of neglect,
And loneliness!
I though, am in a state of confusion,
As, all my emotions,
Have the same end result:
Pain! Pain! Pain!

I scream,
But no one hears me!
Or they hear,
But do not listen!
They continue to question my sanity!
They continue…

But I need some form of escape!
I need to escape,
These horrifying surroundings!
Things are too familiar;
I need to escape,
But the only security I can muster,
Is death!

Give me a task to help me forget!
Burn my memories,
And bury the ashes…
I need renewal!
I need to gain control of my sanity.
I need to live in a state of forgetfulness,
Or die,
So that my memories,
Will no longer haunt me,
I simply need…
I need an escape!
I need to escape this pea sized life,
Where thoughts of you flood my existence,
And push me so close,
To the edge of insanity,
That I am unsure as to where I stand!

People question my sanity!
I question my sanity!
Am I insane enough to live a life,
Filled with memories,
That you had etched on my brain?
My heart,
And every functioning organ inside me?
Or am I sane enough,
To die?
Forever escaping your torturous hold,
Upon me,
Upon my living life?

Persons question my sanity?
I question my sanity!

NB: I told you it was crazy!!!.....lol....That's who I am!!!Dont worry though, Im not suicidal or anything!I was a bit sad last year!!Still a bit sad but much better now!!So dont worry and please, dont call 911!You are just wasting your time.....I have been through it.....Im kidding....lol!!!
Later Guys!!!

My Locks

2006-03-05T09:00:00.000-08:00

Hi there guys!Do you like this picture?This was actually my 18th birthday, which was a Saturday, so I went to Church!It was a totally awesome Sabbath!After church, I had a birthday lunch with some of my church friends and I got great birthday gifts!I had a good time!Jenin and her husband, Matthew hosted the lunch it was cool!You see, Jenin is not all bad....lol....she just messed me up....that's all.....lol...Anyway, around that time, I had my natural hair!I was going to A level and I insisted that i needed to be in touch with my African side!The only way I knew how to do that was to keep my hair natural and uncombeb until it started turning into "locks"!I loved it, I thought it was hot!I used to wash my hair often but never had to comb it!I thought it was cool.....my family members thought i was nasty!!.....lol...Hey, it was awesome, I did not have to think about hair or take care of it or anything!The only ones who approved of my hair was Myia, well cause she thought it looked cool and my other "dreadlocks cousins"!They would be, Donny, Davy, Dwayne and Lance Camille!But the majority won and I relaxed my hair!Now, I am totally regretting this!!I miss my dreads man!!I dont think i looked too bad!!There is not a significant difference, now and then is there??Well, i dont see it!!!

Catch you in a few minutes!!Bye!!

My "small" family

2006-03-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!It's me again!This is just a small portion of my family members (very small)!These are my cousins ( Desma Flavius and her absolutely gorgeous daughter, Anya, Julia Popo next to her, Christa Popo(the last of the Popo sisters), next to her, laughing her head off is Sorisha Popo, behind her (me of course), next to me, my mad cousin and the eldest of the Popo sisters, Norsika and next to Norsika is Joycelyn Willie)!Just a few members guys!This picture was taken on the final day of a Camp that our church had last year in Choiseul!It was a whole lot of fun!Actually, we did not even want to leave on the final day because we were having such a ball!Although, we had a card board bathroom for the girls that was ruined by rain and the guys were bathing in the naturalness of the environment....lol...It was fun!We loved every second of it! We should totally have another camp like the one we had last year!!

Anyway guys, I have to go but we will converse a little later today Im sure! Ciao!!

Lookalikes

2006-03-04T17:26:00.000-08:00

Hi there guys!I am back!Church was awesome, we had another discussion!This one was on St John 15!It was done by Elder Tyron James!It was pretty cool!Get a Bible and read it anytime ok???Its a good chapter!Anyway, I know what you're thinking, I am on the computer on a Saturday night and so, I do not have much of a life!Well.....You would be right.....lol....But it's okay, Im enjoying every second of it....lol....Anyway, Id like you guys to meet my Mom!She is a wonderful person and she has been a great constant in my life, teaching me the difference between right and wrong!Showing me that life is worth living every second to the fullest!She is a great lady and I am so glad that I have been sooo blessed that she has been my mother!I thank God for her each day and Im proud to have her as my own!I love you Mom!

Anyway, guys I have got to go!So LATER!!!

Hell Fire

2006-03-04T10:49:00.000-08:00

Hey guys, its me again! Just saying hola! I went to church today, if I did not tell you, I am a Seventh Day Adventist christian!I had a wonderful day at church!We had a day of teaching today and we were basically discussing the coming of Christ, hell fire and so on! I understood a great deal from our young elder, Bruno Flerin!What he was saying is that, most christians believe that when Jesus comes the wicked people will be sent to hell and they will be burnt for an eternity!But he explained it with the help of scripture!He suggested that, what the bible says is that the wicked will be destroyed with an eternal fire and they will be burned till they become ash!Now this eternal fire is not a fire that will keep burning forever and ever!The fire is eternal because it is that of Christ, it is a Christ burning fire but it does not suggest that the fire will keep on burning and the wicked will continue burning and burning!If that were the case, then all the wicked people in the world are still burning now even though, their existence on this earth was many decades ago!Now, if this is so, doesn't this suggest that the wicked have eternal life?No matter what, if they are still burning in hell's fire and they are not dying, then obviously, they have eternal life!Now, this is very incorrect, if we study our bible carefully, we will recognize that the Bible suggests that when God comes the second time, then shall the wicked be destroyed by this eternal fire that will cause them to turn to ashes!Others have believed, that when we die, we automatically go to Heaven but the Bible does not suggest this either!The bible suggests in Ecclesiastes, Matthew and many other books that when we die, we become dust and the breath that he had given us, goes back up to Heaven!But we remain dead or in this state of sleep until His second coming!Then, the bible suggests thet, "the dead in Christ shall rise first, and they will be caught up to meet Him in the air"So it is incorrect to believe that when we die, we automatically go up to Heaven!If that were the case, then what would be the purpose of the second coming?
Anyway, I just wanted to inform you as to what I learned today!It was a good day!I have had a good lunch and I just had a piece of cheesecake that Lydia Atkins made for Jenin's husband, Matthew! Im sure you remember Jenin....you know, the cause of all my problems....lol...Anyway, the individual in the pic is her Mom!My aunt, a fabulous woman indeed!Kind, generous and loving!

Bye y'all!!Im going to get ready to go back to church!!Ciao!!

Introduction

2006-03-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

Hi there, i figured i should tell you a little bit about myself, since this is my first page!Well, lets see......ummmm!First of all, you should know that I am the crazy looking individual in the picture! The person behind me is my cousin and though she may not look crazy, we all know that looks can be decieving!!Anyway, my name is Malica but most people call me Merlie!Most people also think that Im crazy (not in a psychotic way) but more of a funny, friendly, sorta nutty way!But i dont mind, I like being labelled nutty, for some reason!!Anyway, i enjoy reading good literature; poetry, autobiographies, historical books and/or plays and sociology!I enjoy writing poetry very much because somehow i always feel good after writing any type of poetry! Ummm....I have many favourite books that I read over and over! I just happened to have done them at A Level (most of them)...Wide Sargasso Sea by Jean Rhys, Macbeth by William Shakepeare, The Glass Menagerie by Tennessee Williams, Omeros by Derek Walcott and so on! I enjoy listening to good music!Some of my friends say that the music I listen to is depressing but I enjoy them very much!My favourite artists are Jewel, Sarah Mclachlan, India Arie, Alanis Morissette, Cher, Reba Mcintire etc! Love listening to those singers! I also like listening to Rod Stewart, Gladys Knight and the Pips, Marvin Gaye, Barry White, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, Bette Midler, Diana Ross and the Supremes etc. I enjoy going to the beach with my family and friends, thats always fun because I love the water! I stay in it for hours upon hours just enjoying the water and thinking about any and everything!!I like giving jokes and making fun of things!I can be very sarcastic and a total pain!Everyone who knows me, knows that!Although I can be totally mean, Im not a mean person, I just enjoy kidding around!
What else about me??...Well, I have a pretty large family, although I am my Mom's only child!I have an infinite number of first cousins and many many many other relatives! I love them all! They are all different in their own unique way and I wouldnt change, not one of them!They all have their issues and if they didnt have them, I dont think I would love them as much!I am close to most of my cousins!I have a cousin who is exactly my age!We were born in the same month! His name is Denis Brad, we have been close friends from the day we were born and we have never stopped!He is a very intelligent young man, and everyone who knows him, knows that he is a kind hearted, selfless person!!I am also very close with two other cousins of mine because we were basically raised together, I lived with them for a number of years and I actually consider them, my two older sisters!The one in the pic, is the eldest one, Jenin!She is a lovely individual!She likes joking around and making fun of me!She is very intelligent and a fun person to be around!I have admired her intelligence and wit for as long as i can remember and I am very proud of her for all of what she has accomplished in her life!The younger one, Myia, is crazier than I am in a wonderfully, refreshing way!She enjoys taking risks and having fun!She is also a very dependable and trustworthy friend!So you see, all of my family members are wonderful and if i were to take the time to describe each of their wonderful qualities, I would never end!By the way, once you meet Jenin, you will have all the answers as to why I am the way I am....lol....
Anyway. what else?...I did English Literature and Sociology at Alevel and I did well because it is always good to do somethings that you love and I loved those subjects!I now teach at a secondary school, in Dennery, called the Clendon Mason Memorial Secondary School!Its a pretty cool, school!Well....at least the teachers are nice.....lol....I teach english to form ones, twos and threes!If you ask me hows it going, I will punch your lights out!....There is a moment after you get punched in the stomach, where you find it impossible to breathe because of the severe pain in the abdomen( that's how much fun Im having, teaching)....lol....I love it!!....lol...Some people, the more they feel pain, the more they yearn for it!!Anyway, what else can I tell you?This is my basic intimate portrait!I have had people who severely impacted my life and caused me to want to be a better person(note the word "want"....lol....)Persons other than my family members, I mean!!Let's see, at Secondary School: Wendy Monrose and Telmarline Paul Louis, they have continued being great guides in my life!Ensuring that I always think things through and I always do my best in everything that I do!(Wendy is continuously showing me, who's boss and obviously, it's not me......lol....she is awesome and I admire her a great deal)
Let's see, at A level, I still had those two constants but i was greatly impacted by two great teachers: Lindy Eristhee, who had the patience of an unearthly being!I had the most fun in her classes because i loved the subject and I always wanted to do my best at it! Hugh Maitre, believe it or not, taught me that it doesnt matter who likes you, it just matters that you like yourself!He also taught me to be a better English student!! The Literature Crew: the Lities, taught me true friendship, loyalty, and how to make a total ass of yourself and still be brilliant!!(I wonder what happened to our arched enemies: a set of students who despised us and to their horror, we enjoyed every second of it.....lol....)It's not arrogance, We were the best Literature students in the history of that school and the greatest of friends(Lovely St Amie, Nelsha Roseman, Kendy Jean, Kaiser Taylor and of course, Me....lol...)!!Gosh, I miss those guys!!
What else do i have to say?Oh right!!I talk alot wich is why this blog is soooo long.....lol....Oh i almost forgot to say hello to my closest and dearest friend!Someone who knows me better than I know myself and she loves me nonetheless(not out of obligation but out of friendship), that would be Elpha Neptune!That's a heck of a friend!!!She has taught me a great deal!!

This is basically me, in a nut shell: Crazy, crazy and oh yeah, Crazy!!!