Heart wrenching Day

My friend describes birthdays as days that simply reminds a person that they are getting older and thus, birthdays should not be celebrated! I do not agree with that stance! In fact, I believe that birthdays are an accomplishment of sorts because it means you have lived through yet another year!

Oh well, it is my birthday today and I woke up trying already, not to be disappointed! Trying to swallow the feeling of doom that very well nearly choked me! So I woke up and I told myself "Malica, this day is not special, it means nothing! Do not make it mean more than just a usual day would mean to you!" With that in my head, I was fine! I recieved phone calls and text messages all throughout the morning and the conversations were sweet and compassionate! I got the usual Happy Birthday from my family and their tiny tokens of love and appreciation!

That's all good and well! But, it is simply just a day! A long, rainy, unkind day!BUT THEN, I got a very thoughtful gift from my bestfriend and I was indeed happy! My "usual day" theory flew out the window when my friend gave me what i said i wanted (according to her) a looooong time ago.But then, she had to leave to go to her class and I was left behind in the cold heat of the afternoon!

In that moment I thought of calls i did not recieve! Certain persons who would have called me as a ritual, did not! But, did that really matter to me? Certain people who loved me last year, did not love me this year! But did that really matter to me! And so, I allowed the doom to consume and my thoughts began, "This is a special day and I spent it at work!" Then, my head began to hurt as I realised that I would be coming home to nothing but the Television screen and my computer!

My heart began to feel empty or rather, unreal! Sort of like a plastic heart shaped symbol with a bow on top - a gift! But fake, nonetheless! I became sad and then angry! I became sad because I was unhappy about certain things that I dont know I want! In other words, I was sad for the sake of sadness! And then I became angry because I did not know why I was sad and I did not know what exactly I wanted to make the birthday "Happy!"

I was happy when i was with my bestfriend and we were laughing but then, she had to leave! And I became irritated by persons wishing me "Happy Birthday" and I became even more irritated by the fact that i was getting irritated on my birthday!

I sit here very unhappy! Ask me why though, I am not quite sure! Looking back, this happens every year! Give me a party, I will become sad because my space is being invaded! Give me gofts! I will be disappointed that I did not get what i wanted! What did i want? I am never certain!!

Maybe for a birthday, someone can give me real, beating heart gift wrapped! Perhaps this will provide the happiness I so desire on my birthday! I think, birthdays are a celebration of life, why cant I do that? Celebrate my life???

One day, I hope my heart will become real and truly happy on the day I am supposed to celebrate my life!! Ah well, bye bye!! Adios! Arriverderci!!

Severed Heart

Since our redefinition of friendship (which was actually three weeks ago), my friend informed me that I was loved differently. Apparently since the relationship was redefined, so was the love! This is how it goes, “Before, I had Eros love for you which meant that it was my desire to bed you, but since the change, you are like my sister, so I now have Phillia love for you” and it continued, “Yes Malica, there are different stages of love and I could not be just your friend, if I did not change the way I loved you!” And there is still more “Malica, we can not keep up the same attitudes and behaviours we had in the previous relationship especially since this one is different!”

Now you may not be stunned but I was! In three weeks, love can change so much so that it becomes the brotherly/sisterly kind! I need that kind of power because there is one specific person, I wish I could switch from Phillia to Eros! But how do I do it?? Perhaps it is because I am not as robotic in thinking and feeling as my friend is! In the same breath, the friend continued “I can switch people off, erase them even, but with you, it hurts when I even try!” I am just making a note here dear, but if it were easy enough for you to erase Eros and then replace it with Phillia, why can’t you just erase Phillia as you erased Eros?? :-)

Never is ANYTHING too difficult for you!! You can do it all!! I wish I were so able to erase people! I would erase the many people who consistently hurt me! I would erase my life as it is now!! I would erase certain things in the past that i’d like to forget!

The thing about you is this, that you never really had A relationship if you had two and it was easy to throw away the one that came in second because the first mattered more. But though the first mattered more, you needed the second to keep you sane in brother/sisterly love!

What other choice is there?? I will be your sister and your greatest friend and when I am hungry enough, I will find someone who would not mind me being their “only!”

All rightie then, I must bid you good night! Bonsoir! Buenas Noches! Gute Nacht! J

Drowning in the Mist

What do you do when everything in your life becomes hazy? Thoughts about the future seem so far away and the life you lead four years ago, seem not to be in existence! How do you get back to the real, sharp picture?? At this point, I think my life has been too comfortable! So much so that what i hoped to achieve four years ago, has been lost in a fog! I have lost sight of the person I was so many years ago and it is near impossible to recognize me through all the mist! I may have lost myself... How is one able to find herself or rather shape herself when she is so concerned with the welfare of the persons she has to shape??Can one really shape anything when she is, herself, shapeless?? When does one have time for her own identity, when she is helping others find their own? The free time one would have, she sits and ponders... How do I make this more captivating? How do I make them understand?? In all of this, I am slowly fading...

Or perhaps, I was always this picture fading in the background. Perhaps, it is my destiny to drown in the mist and whilst drowning, give others my breath so they will lead longer, better, more productive lives. But is that really what I want for myself?? I have always been an expressive body... how can I negate that and just fade away??

Or perhaps my fading is a sign that i should take sharper pictures. That i must be concerned with who i am becoming or rather, not becoming! That i must shape my life and my future! That I must not allow things to slowly fade away until finally they do not exist for me!! So, from today, I will attempt to remember that I am going somewhere other than in circles! I am going to remind myself that I am worthy of a future! I will not forgot that I am worth more than disappearing- My personality is worth taking note of!

So, though it maybe rather difficult for me to resurrect from the fog. i am going to make an effort because I am worth knowing! I deserve a fulfilling life- not because I am better than you but because, why not????? Why is it pertinent for any soul or spirit to wither away.. To die away?? There is so much in life to enjoy, so I advise all of you to take a big bite out of life and enjoy! Do not feel unworthy! Do not feel insignificant because your insecurities suggest that you could be outshone. You have your own light, so shine and do not allow the mist to consume you!!!!!

All rightie then!!!! Arriverderci! Adieu! Ciao! Chao!! Adios! Sayonara!! Ja ne!! Bye Bye :-)

The Moment of Breathlessness...

Today, I have been thinking of death - the immediate moments or moment before ones final breath. I really do not believe in the white light mambo jumbo. That is a fairy tale that was used to appease little children when parents could not honestly say that death meant complete and utter unconsciousness in which the person knows nothing, hears nothing, sees nothing, feels nothing.... The description of death is sort of like the description of Santa Claus - they are both fabrications! If one studies the bible, it will be clear what death is!

But i digress. I have been thinking about someone's immediate moment before they are finally gone from the earth! I wish someone could tell me about it. A drowning person is slowly dying because every breath that she takes, her lungs are filled with water. What does she think of as she has very little oxygen and the water, rushing down her lungs burns like acid! What does she think of when her eyes want to pop out because they burn so much? Does she suddenly get to a point where she can not feel anything? Or does this acidic burn persist until finally...

How about somebody who is burning in a fire. As each flame stabs him, what does he think? Does the unbearable pain drive him to insanity and then finally, death?? Or does he feel it each time the fire pierces and burns his flesh? Does he smell the burnt flesh? What does he think? Is he thinking?? Now that his skin and flesh has melted in the fire, does his life flash before him? Or is he in too much agony? Does he beg for death?? Does he feel or think, before he dies...

How about someone who was stabbed or shot? What does he feel as the blood slowly sips out of him and he becomes weaker and weaker? What does he think? Are his thoughts muddled up seeing that he is losing his source of power?? Does he go into some sort of a trance? Does the temperature change for him? Does he suddenly feel fine and then...nothing????

How about an unexpecting pedestrian? When the car or truck hits you and then covers you, would you hear your bones crush before you actually feel it?? Would you smell exhaust before you knew what had happened? Would you be in a state of discomfiture?? Would you feel numb and would you immediately die?? Or would you feel the the pain, slowly, very slowly dissipating and then, death?? Or would the pain become more and more painful, and Then, death???

How about if you fell from a great height? How about if you comitted suicide, would the feeling be the same?? How about if you got a stroke? You died in your sleep?? How about....???

Yes, they are all death and all would involve breath slipping away from the person but how slowly or how quickly does breath no longer exist for them?? And in that space of time, what exactly happens?? JHow is it for them?? Ah well, just wonderring!! That happens sometimes :-)

Have an excellent evening and think!!!!!!!! గూడ్నిఘ్ట్! ஸ்வீட் ட்றேஅம்ஸ்! സ്റ്റഡി ടോ ഷോ ത്യ്സേല്ഫ് അപ്പ്രോവേദ് ഉണ്ടോ ഗോഡ്!! ಪ್ರಿ ವಿತ್ಹೌತ್ ಸೆಅಸಿಂಗ್!! गोद इस विक्तोरिऔस!! Good night to all!!

Enflamed Heart

Today, a friend of mine informed me that they had no ability to care for or love anything, in fact, the heart within had sort of dried up being deemed, null and void! Oh what a thing to say to someone who has given so much!! What a thing to say!! This statement today, brought me back sometime ago when this same person said "I love you less" and "I have no more love left to give you" All of this said, the individual still convinced me that all of those things were said in the heat of the moment and therefore should not be made note of.

From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh - This is absolute truth! I mean, it came from the Bible, what else could it be??? My friend speaks of situations where they are in a relationship that would be considered hurtful and yet, they seem not to deserve anything but what is being dealt! My friend calls it Karma but I call it B.S. It is my decision to remain with you whether or not I feel hurt and deprived!

Today, when you said your heart had been literally burnt out, I felt it before you actually said it so I believe you! I believe that you like your situation! You are not a coward as I previously statered! But there is nothing I can do for someone who does not want to be happy!

You broke my heart several times with your words and do you think today, just because we aren't together, I am not still hutrt?? Of course I am! The problem with me is that I gave you too much of me! Which is why it is so easy for you to step over me and feel I could take it!!

Today, I told you that I wouldnt mind if you'd die - not because i feel hatred within me or even dislike! I wish both you and your partner death, so that you will stop hurting! That you will stop tearing up at my harmless words! I wish you death, so that you'd be away from me, the person you continuously love less and together with, your partner (the one you'd never leave! NOT EVER!!!)

I do not know whether I am being coherent or even clear! But I need you to know, that I wish I could love you less!! I wish I could feel less for you!! I wish I really wanted you dead! I wish I could hurt you and forget you!! Because it is so easy for you to love me less!! Forget me!! I wish my humanity werent so faulty!!!

So dear friend, you continue loving me less until the fire has enflamed your heart and leaves the ashes behind! I will love you still because I do not know any better!! Enjoy your life! Enjoy the future that you will have without me!! Enjoy life while I go on loving you because really????? What else is there???????

Ah well, Good night good night!!!! Buenas noches!!! Buena noche!! Bon Nuit!! Gute Nacht!!!!!!

Broken

How would you feel if someone entered your house without your permissioon and began taking things? The person, perhaps, has come to the conclusion, that everything you own is theirs. Now this aspect would not have affected me because these are simply material things that could be easily replaced or even forgotten. But the thing that sticks with me, is the fact that somebody, some uninvited person was in my personal space, touching and sifting through my personal things. Were their hands clean or not? One can not tell. But when one finds dirt on their sheets, the individual feels broken and even a stab of pain!

The concept of personal space is vital and so when one can not get the image of someone touching their personal things out of the head, they change the sheets and try to fall asleep and the image of the footprint on the previous sheets is still lodged in memory, so you change the sheets that were changed minutes ago and you feel uncomfortable because you can not tell exactly what has been violated but you know many things were including you.

Then, you try to sleep, but then, there is this image or this sudden sound that makes you check under your bed, just in case and it makes you check if the the stuff you bought last week, if they are still there. You look around your space and it is not so personal anymore. It looks like a bus station or a store where people can walk in and out without a care.

You change your sheets again because your skin has not stopped itching though you know in your mind there is nothing, I suppose the fear takes hold. You ask that the beautiful flower tree next to your space be cut down so you can be given even less privacy but you are afraid that your visitor may not care that you are inside the next time. You look for clothes to wear, but on second thought, let the space, the used to be private space, let it be cleaned again and the sheets, changed just one more time?? And then there is a desire, a strong desire to leave the place where you felt comfort but then another desire to keep it protected. So you keep your windows closed just in case and the doors locked. And every once in a while you check to make sure that the windows are really shut. You feel a presence in your space and you are more jumpy than usual. I am not angry or upset that things were taken away....Not at all!! I am just deeply troubled by the invasion itself! Invasion of space! Of privacy! How would you feel if someone walked into your house and began picking up things you consider dear?? How would you feel if someone rifled through your drawers?? How would you feel, if one day you came from work and there was a foot print on your bed, your window was mangled and some of your things were missing?? How would you feel if your space were invaded???

Ah Well, i wish you a very good night and the beautifully blue picture above would be Jalousie- enjoying some beach time during summer.... :-) Adieu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Have you ever sat and wondered about your future?? I am certain many of you have, but have you ever wondered and then felt complete and utter fright? I felt like that some time ago when I was trying to figure out with some difficulty, how my life will actually turn out. Will i be a teacher my whole life?? I do love my students and I do want to do my best with them, encourage them as much as possible, listen to them and so on, but for the rest of my life?? Though teaching, specifically in Dennery is a hard task, that was not what that frightened me. It was the concept of being alone for the rest of my life. My idea of family is not really properly defined. I do not limit my vision, to the nuclear aspect of family. When I think of family, i think of my cousins, my aunts, uncles and so on, and i feel warmth in my heart because I know, though there are many of them, they each hold a special place in my heart.

However, I do not expect persons and situations to remain the same. Though, it is within my nature for me to abhor change, i know that remaining stagnant will not allow growth of any form. I know that my bestfriend will one day, disappear from my life, I know that family members who are still around will move on to new pastures, I know that my parents won't be there forever, I know the friends I have will move on... I know all of these things because it is not a matter of what we want, it is a matter of life happening whether we want it to or not!

Somedays, I really hate the fact that life "happens" because it is so easy to get comfortable in our situation and take certain things for granted.... It is very easy. I try my best not to take things for granted because of the fact that life can "happen" so quickly.

I want to be ready for life but I know, it is not that easy so i want to be strong enough to understand that people change and life changes as well. I have to admit that I am an individual who is not yet where she wants to be. I am an individual who gets scared when things happen, whether they are good or bad. I am an individual who would rather go back to the past and never really grow up. I am an individual who ia not yet really Me because of the fact that i have too many persons inside. I am an individual who does not know where to begin or where to end and who wishes there was no begining and never any end. I am too serious yet not serious enough. I feel that i have not lived enough but perhaps I do not deserve to live at all. I feel old and decrepit rather than young and vivacious. I feel exhausted because life happening takes away so much. I am so afraid of looking forward because that would mean more of life happening, more of change, more people leaving and new people coming in!! The process is painful and i abhor it!! I abhor the whole definition of future because the future simply means more change, more growth within and more growing up!

:-) I will indeed bid you adieu! Arriverderci! Ja ne! Sayonara! கூட்ப்யே! గూడ్బ్యే! ഗൂട്ബ്യെ! ಗೂದ್ಬ್ಯೆ! गूद्ब्ये!

Jesus is Victor!!!!!!

After working extremely hard during the week, I am happy when Friday eve finally approaches, because then, I have to stop all worldly tasks and approach the throne of God. There, i have to thank Him for protecting me throughout the week, thank Him for health, breath of life and welcome His wonderful sabbath day of rest.

Today, I was thinking as I normally do and I realized that we are getting very close to the end of times. The times where all sorts of horrible things will be occurring and yes it is true that we must occupy our time on earth while waiting for the second coming of God. But we must occcupy it in a fashion that God would approve of. I believe that is why he gives us the Bible, as a sort of moral guide so that we know what we ought to do and what we ought not to do. He guides us with the ten commandments informing us that we should not steal, kill, commit adultery, use His name in vain, covet our neighbours things or anything for that matter, remember the sabbath to keep it holy, love each other, honour our parents and so on. Then in Leviticus chapters 18, 19, 20, he informs us that incest, beastiality and homosexuality are not approved by Him.

It is amazing to note how magnificent our Father in Heaven is! He has given us a guide and basically tells us what to eat and what not to eat, how to act and how not to act and if we follow those guidelines from Him, we will end up in the "place that He has gone to prepare for us" (John 14:1-4). But the difficult thing is that Satan, each day is trying to destroy us and so we must be very aware of Him and his lies because he is sly enough to make us justify certain sins and then even begin to believe that they are right!! It is necessary therefore, that we spend time with God daily- reading His word and praying to Him so that we could remain grounded in the faith that so often wavers with a shove from the devil!

The Old Testament and The New go hand in hand! We need one to explain the other and I am amazed at how wonderful God is. I was very much confused a while back when I read Leviticus and it informed us, God's people, that we must eat certain foods and not eat others and then I read in Acts that Peter was given a vision that suggested in Acts 10:1-14 that Peter should kill and eat the fowls and so on that were previously considered unclean in the Old Testament. But there is something you should know, God is not a God of contradictions and if we read further, we will notice that it was a parable. Peter was comissioned by Jesus to preach the gospel to the Jews but in that vision God had basically explained to him, that now, he had to go further- he should not discriminate, preach to the Gentiles as well , the Samaritans and so on and if we read on, we will notice the story of Cornelius who was indeed a gentile.

It is absolutely wonderful to know that God gives second chances. He is a forgiving, merciful God and no matter how many times we falter he will pick us up if we only humbly bow to his feet. Even on the cross, Jesus Christ felt compassion for His murderers. He said simply but passionatlely "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" God commissions all of us to Go ye therefore into all the world and preach the gospel. Tell all of His goodness, His compassion, His death, His resurrection, the Three Angels message in Revelation and the fact that He will be coming a second time. And when He will appear, the trumpet shall sound and the dead in Christ shall rise first and we shall be caught up to meet Him in the air. Make sure, you die in Christ or you live for Him because if not, if we are not with Him, we shall be burned with an eternal fire!!!!!

Do not allow anything to separate you from the love of God because to be tucked away under His wings and to be protected by Him is indeed praiseworthy. I beg of you, accept Him into your hearts. He is wonderful, merciful , loving, patient and when you fall in love with God, there is nothing, absolutely nothing better than that. And even then, do not be afraid to tell of His love, His goodness and His greatness!! Witness for him, tell others about Him because he has asked us to do so.

Well then, God Bless you and keep you until we meet again!!!!! Arriverderci!!!!

BFF- Mine, not yours!!!!! LOL

How utterly sweet it is when in adulthood, you can consider someone your bestfriend. It is rather difficult for adults to make really really good friends because they are so concerned with gossip and backbiting - not necessarily because they hate the person but its all they know. I have observed many persons, at work and at home and you can see from their expressions that they are genuine but then, the bug of gossip bites them and they go about making stories more colourful or simply just making them up! And oh how it hurts when you realize that somebody you placed your trust in, lied about you or exposed you- one feels naked and dirty and I know of it, firsthand.

I do not want to wrap my mind around the fact that humans, specifically women, are simply devious. Why would I say, you are my friend and seconds later, talk about you behind your back?? What I have realised is that some persons simply are not meant to have friends! Since I, being kindhearted cannot understand persons and why they would want to talk about each other, i choose to continue being the gossipers friend even though, I know for a fact that I have been the heroine in one of their stories.

In saying all of this, I would actually like to introduce you to my bestfriend. With Myia and Brad being gone and The Litles not being as accessible as they used to, I met Ms S. Shanette Monrose in 2006 and we both feel like we have known each other for our entire lives. I find her to be ridiculously intelligent and I enjoy having conversations with her, whether it be about English Literature, exercise, eating right, the Bible and whatever else that comes to mind. I am very comfortable with her and she listens to all my odd thoughts. We quarrel quite often but never with malice always with love.

Its sort of fun to talk to someone after a hard day of working. It is relaxing for us to do nice things for each other, to advise each other when we are doing something wrong and it is funny to develop certain code names for people and act juvenile for a while. Some persons may consider her rude and unapproachable, but really she is one of the nicest people around, she just does not find it necessary to have too many friends who in the end betray you. I understand that view point completely, which is why I felt more comfort in befriending my family members rather than anybody else but I am very thankful to have met her. I have never had such a bumpy, yet fun friendship as this. It is sort of like going on a crazy ride at Coney Island; there are all sorts of emotions mixed up but it is still fun!!

My friend is super cool! She is witty, wise, kind, funny, intellligent and so similar to me -which is why we quarrel so much. Persons even say we resemble each other and in a primitive minded place as Dennery, they consider us lesbians as they consider two females can not be this close. But I refuse to allow small minded people to ruin such a good friendship! So, allow the friendless to continue gossiping while i continue talking to MY FRIEND about whatever is bugging me and while she continues doing the same. I have made a bestfriend but you adults who prefer talking about others, your loneliness will soon be unbearable!!!

Oh well, arriverderci!!! Sayanora!!! Chao!!! Ja ne!!! Addio!!! Adios!!! Auf wiederstehn!!!! Bye!!!!

Journey On!!!!!!!!!

At times, i sit and think about our journeys in life; what exactly are we destined for? And we are all individuals, we must each have our own journey, our own destiny! But when do we begin this journey and how do we know it's ended? Is it through death that we know certainly our journey has ended? Or perhaps it has just began! Perhaps as we slumber in death's embrace, our journey is being mapped out! Some people look back on their lives and they note that they have done nothing of substance, nothing to promote change...... Do we all have to be an Obama or a Clinton for us to feel that yes indeed, we are doing something?!

I really do not want to look back on life and say that i regret doing or not doing! I want to look back and be proud! Do some of us actually realize our journeys and wonder the significance? I sometimes wonder about the point of this life at all! Every human being basically mimics each other and there is nothing original or out of this world! Women give birth! Yes, but is that new? Women have been doing that for centuries!! I am sure if there was an individual looking at us on a very large screen, he'd probably destroy the screen, for fear of seeing one more human being make the same mistakes and do the same things over and over and over! The lazy people with no ambition, sleep, eat, party and watch tele and probably live with their parents!! Is that a journey? A destiny? A mother is raising her children and staying at home to pack lunches and so on. Is that what she signed off on? Is that a journey? Those who work their bums off, only to die and live millions for family members to fight over, was that their journey?? Some of our journeys look rather pointless and others seem so spectacular! Barack Obama, whether he wins or not, what a journey- to pave the way for blacks alike and Hilary Clinton, did the same for women!! I want to digress a bit simply to state, Sarah Palin???? Just because she is wearing a skirt, women will vote for her?? Come on McCain!!!!! :-) Ah well, we each have our journeys and I supppose, no matter how pointless they appear, travel on because you may change a life whether its in a HUGE way or a small fashion!

Journey

Blood sips from my pores
Fire burns through my muscle
As I muster courage to take another step.
My eyes are sore;
The sun has dried off my tear ducts.
My lips feel like sand paper
And as I pass my tongue over them,
A charred piece of skin cuts my tongue
And I suck the blood thirstily.

I take another step
And I can hear my limps crack as I pull myself forward.
My body has become bones meshing against skin-
Soon the bones will pierce through.
I whimper as the fiery ray of the sun stabs through my film of skin.
And as I continue my journey,
I see the festering sores upon my feet dripping with tears
As they long to rest, but they know they must go forward.

Carefully, I hold a crumpled piece of paper in my gaunt fingers.
I feebly take in a breath and the air rushes into me;
Grating and scraping against my tattered lungs.
I must continue my journey,
Though, I have not seen water for days.
The journey must be continued.

As I walk,
Like a withered plant,
I see this creature stare at me. I can not tell what it is
Because my eyes are no longer good for seeing.
But I am ashamed,
Because I had not been expecting company
And I know- this stench
The stench of rotten eggs that have been following me for miles now,
Must be me.
So I am embarrassed.
I bow my head and slowly leave the creature behind.

My journey must continue.
Though I yearn for water, I can not tarry
Because time would be wasted
And we cannot have that.
So I continue my walk,
With me clutching my crumpled piece of paper.
I walk,
Though each step is more agonising than the first,
I walk.

As I get closer to my destination,
I feel alive again.
The sores upon my feet, seem,
Not too painful anymore
And as my tongue passes over my coarse lips,
I drink with passion.
My feeble body becomes stronger and I move faster,
Until finally,
Finally, I am there.

I get there,
But I am shaken
I don’t recall why I journeyed so long
And why I needed to be here.
I look around me, losing my sense of victory.
I become in a state of intellectual discomfiture,
As I wonder, why I came here
What force brought me here?
I stare at the crumpled piece of paper and let it fall to the ground.
I have journeyed for days,
But for what reason?
I can not seem to remember…
So I face homeward,
And begin my journey,
My long journey, back to where I came.


Sometimes we journey only to find that the journey was useless or it did not matter!! It baffles me when i realise that we each are on a journey that we know not of and we don't know exactly what we'll find at the end!! What is my journey?? Am I half way through? Or have i even started yet??? Ah well, Journey on my dears, as either way you can not do a bloody thing about the journey you're on!!!

All right then, I am tired!! I had classes all day and i need to place my head on a warm pillow and then, tomorrow, continue my journey whatever it may be!! Ja ne!! Addio!! Bon soir!!! Arriverderci!!

LOVERZZZZ

I am truly exhausted!! School reopened yesterday and I have not gotten off my feet since; my feet hurt like hell, my thighs, my throat, my soul everything is just really exhausted on me right now! So I am sitting here, very lethargic thinking of nothing in particular but love! A blogger friend of mine, asks what's love and why does it fade away?? I am inclined to respond to that blog because it was sort of a letter to me. My dear, I do not think love should be about knees being weak and wanting to bed the person alone. Yes, you should have that, probably the bedding more than the knees thing but, I think love has more to do with a person's need to want to spend their life with another, missing that person, wanting to tell that person the biggest thing or the smallest thing that occurred for the day, trusting this person with all you are and a strong desire to work at your relationship because, what else is there if this person is not in your life??

And my Dear, I don't necessarily believe that love fades away. I believe you may simply lose the desire to work at it or you have simply grown apart but the love is still there. Unless it was a case of "rebound" love or simple infatuation which could actually grow into love! Abusive relationships could beget hate but I do not see love as just fading. Perhaps the desire , "to bed" (as you put it) has diminished but love? fading?!

Your statements about Junior and Maribelle peaked my attention
BUT
I suppose if you want to bed one and miss the other when he leaves, then you don't love either! Or perhaps you are being greedy!!! I mean is it really possible to love two people at the same time!!! It is already so difficult working to keep one relationship afloat, how do you work two?? Why don't you sit and really think for awhile, and then, send Lover 1 or Lover 2 packing!!! Or are you too much of a......... lol

Then again, you want to have your cake and eat it too don't you??? Have fun then sugar :-)

Now dear readers i will have to bid you a good night! Buenas noches!!!! Gute Nacht!!! गुड निघत!!!! ಗುಡ್ ನಿಘ್ತ್!!!! ഗുഡ് നൈറ്റ്!!! குட் நைட்!!! గుడ్ నిఘ్త్!!! :-),

Ummmm......Addiction??

So seriously, I was never one to be so into a television show until, I saw the very first Grey's episode and I have to admit it, I am addicted but I will surely not get rid of that addiction!!! :-) Yes I miss Dr Burke and Dr Addison F-Montgomery but I love the new Dr Hahn and I absolutely cannot wait for the September 25th premiere!!!! Do you know, I blow off friends for this show??? Thats addiction, right???? Ah well, I will stand up proud and shout "I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy!!!!!!" I LOVE IT!!!! Whoever's watching, I am sure it is impossible for you to stop and whoever's not watching, you're missing alot!!!

Yes I like Desperate Housewives and Smallville but I AM IN LOVE WITH GREYS!!!!!!!! Maybe i should do a Grey's blog!! He he!!!!

Later people and watch the 2 hour primiere on ABC on Thursday September 25th, 2008!!!

Arrivederci!!!!!!

What does it mean to be a woman??

So I am sitting here wondering what exactly it means to be a natural woman. Aretha and co. sing and suggest that "you make me feel like a natural woman" but what does that really mean?? Does this mean that a female has to go through certain intitiations before she can be considered a woman? Does she have to marry and bare children? Only then, would you consider her a natural woman? Should she be able to cook, clean and be a perfect housewife? Is it a feeling that another individual imparts? Does she have to have sex first? What intitiations make a woman feel like a natural one? And would that mean that the childless lady is not the epitome of "natural womanliness"? Does that mean that the 30 something young lady who decides not to have sex until she is married, is she not a natural woman? Must a lady fall in love and be broken?? Should a lady follow certain laws of society for her to become a woman? The lady who decides to study, get a degree and get a beneficial career, is she not a natural woman?? What exactly does this term mean?

I heard an aged lady tell a 35 year old that unless she has lived as a woman, she would not be able to understand certain things. Huh?? That's like Ronald Reagan's "What would this country be, without this wonderful land of ours?" huh??? What age does a female graduate into this "natural womanliness"? So does that mean that some females, are not yet women? Natural women? Then perhaps i will never graduate into natural womanliness since I don't see marriage as a possibilty or bearing children as another. If these are the criteria for graduation, I will continuously fail.

But, if it is as Aretha sings and it is a feeling, when will I know that I am a natural woman?? Do i wake up and feel different??? How will I know?? Most of the women singing appear to have past the period of menstruation and I read somewhere that a girl becomes a woman after menstruation or is it after menopause??? :-) I hope someone will be generous enough to inform me, that indeed, now Malica, you are a natural woman!!! Ah well, sing on, the song is truly lovely and it may mean something different to us all. I remember Murphy Brown singing that song when she had just given birth, so perhaps its that for mothers! I heard another sing it after marriage, perhaps it is that for wives! I heard a young lady singing it, after she'd fallen in love. So perhaps its that for young lovers. I wonder, when will I sing it? Not on my wedding day!! What man is worth it? :-) Not on the day i give birth!!! What child is worth the pain??? :-) Seriously!!!!

All right now guys, I will bid you Adieu! Sayonara! Arriverderci!! Adios! Addio!!

Today's Health for tomorrow's children!

Exercising is important! Everybody knows this but it is the doing that's difficult; the getting up on a morning and going to take a run or a walk. We can find ourselves doing everything other than exercise and I do understand that but we all need to develop a strong state of mind and put exercising as part of our routine. With so much technology, we have become a very lazy society and because of that, our youth are slowly dying of obesity, heart disease, stroke and so on. We put so much filth within us and then sit around and relax! That is not a healthy attitude and we should learn to develop a healthy demeanour for our sakes and for the children who are coming into this world. These children can not move from the couch to the tele, they do not have to play sports anymore when they can sit and play video games for the entire day and "pig out" on junk food. A dictionary defines "Junk" as discarded material. Thus, it is clear to me that you are placing things that deserve to be in a trash can in your beautiful temple of God.

I understand, that it is difficult sometimes to put exercise into our schedules but it is not difficult to stop eating junk or rather, trash food. Some of the diet foods we consider as healthy, they are really not. All those sugarless or sugarfree foods and so on. I want you to do me a favour and google aspartame. After you've read the disadvantages of it, see how many of you have been consuming this filth. Better yet, check out this site http://www.aspartame.com/ Then check out those sodas that you consume daily. Why would we want to deliberately destroy ourselves by consuming unhealthy products?

I am not going to tell you the kinds of exercises to do or what type of diet is best for you. But I need to advise you that eating right and exercise is pivotal for every human being, no matter what race, sex or level of intelligence. Don't mind me, i do falter in the exercise department sometimes but it is necessary and at some points it may even become addictive. Exercise and eat right so we can live longer. The reason, we're dying so young, is because we are eating all sorts of trash. Note, the first people on this earth were vegetarians and note as well, that persons were dying so very old in Bible times. Look at Methuselah, Abraham, Jacob, Sara and so on. I think that our horrible diet is causing cancer, impotence and all of these negative health defects. How about taking just eight minutes? Or twelve to just do a few exercises? And what is the problem with eating a lot more vegatables and fruit?? What? It's going to kill you?? I highly doubt it. Your present diet is what's presently killing you. Stop consuming junk and take care of yourselves. The bible states that we should love our neighbours as ourselves. So in love, i say to you, take care of the temple that God entrusted you with.

Have a swell evening everybody and if I still have the breath of life within me, we shall speak some other time!!!! Buenas Noches y buena suerte en tus las vidas!! Adios! Addio! Adieu! Arriverderci! Bye!!!!!

I love you right?????

How wonderful and ridiculously easy it would be if we were given manuals to live our lives. Humanity would be rather predictable but more functional and isnt that what we all want? Functionality within each society? But the business of free will just screwed us over :-) If I had a manual to live my life, i am certain the errors I have made and will soon be making would not exist. And even if i did make errors, they would be rather minimal because i have this thing that basically instructs me as to what i should do, say and feel. But seeing that none of us actually possess this manual, we have to go through a whole lot of BS that "enables us to grow as human beings" :-)

I would do so much better with this manual, because at this point, i am simply groping in the dark and going round and round in circles. The reason for my lack of enthusiasm about free will is the fact that we are "free" to do so much but not really! Or is that just me? A friend of mine has been telling me from the moment she got to know me that I think too much. I think about the pros and cons and weigh my options before i make a decision. Never, do i want to regret things and I suppose that is also holding me back from doing many things. It would simply be easier for me, if not for any other, that i own a manual instructing me on the decisions of my life.

I hate messing up, i hate disappointing myself more than anything and i hate hurting those i care about. My friend believes i think too much but i believe we do not think enough. If we take the time to think perhaps the manual that i am praying for will become obsolete. How easy it is, for some of us to sit on our high horse and judge others when we know our secrets and our errors are well hidden.

It makes me sad that we take such little time to think; to think about how we will impact others and how we react to certain situations. I often think about silly things but most of the time, I think seriously. My life is not more difficult than anybody else's but its like bitter gall sipping through me, knowing that if somebody else were me, they would be better at being me- they would make better decisions and they would lead a life free from deliberate pain. I read something that caused me to think further, "nobody can be you better than you" I thought about this statement and I saw the error in it because if someone else were me, their life would not be so purposely entangled and incomprehensible. So perhaps, this statement is telling me that nobody can do incomprehensible and entangled like me. But really, i'd prefer structure, functionality. I would prefer everything to be placed in certain schemas- I'd much rather be instructed.

Now i know it can be argued that the Bible is a manual that instructs our actions, thoughts and so on but the Bible tells us to love all, as we'd love ourselves. But then again, we have to love rightly!!! Did the Bible say, love your brethren a yourself rightly???? What is right love?? Just a question to think about :-)

I wish you all a very pleasant good night!! Buenas Noches! Gute Nacht! Bon soir! :-) Arriverderci! Ja ne!!

Bleeding in Love

Sitting upon the comfortable carpet of sandy rocks in Canelle, while sifting the coarse sand between my fingers, i decided to look into the very depth of who I am. While searching within myself, i felt the wind pound against me punishingly. With such a harsh response from the once sensual wind which used to bury me with sweet, salty kisses, I found tears streaming down my face. In my beautiful Saint Lucia, sitting amongst what appears to be jaggered rocks behind my blanket of tears, I came to the realisation that no matter how hard one tries as a human being, they may still falter continuously. A while back, i was called mean and even cruel. I thought that to be, highly unlikely with my loving and rather kind disposition. But sitting here, feeling the deadly blows of the wind and searching my spirit, I may have to admit that I do have a rather mean sense of humour. Not purposely hurting the ones i care about but repeatedly doing so with my wit and my sardonic nature.

I am now realising the severe error in my ways and because of this, I am sitting here being battered by a once gentle wind. I was told once that it is easy for a man to transform from man to beast and easily hurt the ones he claims to love with such passion.

Humanity in itself is rather complicated and I suppose all we can really do is try our best to be the best possible people but we can not do it alone. As i am sitted here, i am reminded of Peter, Jesus' disciple who beat his chest and stated that He would Never betray the Son of God when Jesus bluntly stated that he would. Though he may have meant it at the time, when Jesus was captured and beaten, before the cock crew twice, Peter denied Jesus thrice. This tiny reminder is to simply indicate the fact that it is impossible to do things on our own or rather, of our own strength. But the good news comes, when Peter realises his error and asks for forgivenness. In this regard, I apologize for being the mean cuss that I am. And in truth, it was all based on jest but even then, you do not appreciate it, So with my cheeks bathed with salty tears and with the wind tearing at my very core, i apologize only because i love you more than you can ever imagine. :-)

All right my dears, we shall chat at some other point but it is necessary that i bid you adieu! Chao!! Sayanora!!

Rocky Throne

Standing at the tip of this cliff taking in the beautiful Anse Ger sea, a person has many thoughts. One may consider how it would feel to fly off this stone throne and land in the majestic water. Another stands atop this cliff and decides to capture such landscape with a paint brush and yet another, may consider mincing up words to describe the beauty of the environs in perfect poetry. Another still, may consider kneeling right there and thanking God for such majesty, yet another may see this as being pregnant with possibilities. Ah such beauty can always present thoughts and feelings within each of us but since we are all different, we have different perceptions. We each hold dear within us, the meaning of such loveliness. Our perception usually is distorted or encouraged by what we are going through in our lives. In my depressive state, I could see this peaceful landscape as an escape, a place to find solace. In a pleasant state, I may sit upon that rocky throne and pour out poetry from the depths of who I am. Ah yes, each of us can do something different with such a portrait because of our difference of thought and experience. This lovely place is right here in my beautiful island, Saint Lucia.

I feel the need to talk about the beautiful things around because wth such busy schedules we never take the time to admire any aspect of nature or even take in the fresh air. I read somewhere that Satan tries to consume our minds with all sorts of filth so that we are always occupied with some worldly task. We need to learn to take a break once in a while and take in the beauty of God's creation, pray in the midst of it and listen to him speak. We allow too many things to consume us and to hurt us to a point of madness.

Sometimes I sit and i think of odd things like how it'd feel to be the wind, moving gently, now harshly, now gently with not a care in the world. How would it feel, if i were the ocean? Crashing against rocks and sparkling in the sunlight. Sometimes, I wish i were not human because with so much emotion comes pain in abundance. Sitting on that throne, I cannot think of dying because there would be absolutely no point in death. I suppose my time will come because we only live (work hard and have such busy lives) to die. If you know you're going to die anyway, why dont you stop!!!!! Stop and smell the ocean, listen to the purring wind and even so, love the person sitting next to you on that throne and stop fighting. Stop being so busy that you can not spend time with the ones you love.

I do not know how much time I have here but i want to be able to find a rock and make it my throne and sit upon it with my friends and family and take in a deep breath. Let us all have different perspectives on the one perfect view. I do what i do for the people i love and i will never regret anything because there is nothing bigger in this world than love. So you can look at the view and see the wretched sea lashing angrily against the rocks and thus you can liken the sea to human beings and call it selfish, rough and punishing. But I, i choose to see beauty in all and love all. Therefore i love you for your differences in perspective with me, I love you because without you i would not be me. I would not be strong, I would not be thoughtful, I would not be wise. I love my friends and I love my family (ALL) and whatever i can do for you at any point, tell me and i will do it because all we have in this world is each other (love)So find your rock! Find your throne and pour your love upon ii!!!

All rightie then people i need to go now!! Arriverderci! Adios! Adieu! Until we meet again!!

Sorpresa!!!!!!

Hi there :-) I know it has been awhile but that is the only way you are going to miss me, right??? lol..... School is closed but i have been doing some reading since I have the time now and we all know that reading is pertinent. Someone once said that whatever we read is always just ours because everybody will read the same thing and adopt a different lesson and a different way of thinking. Although reading is important, we need to censor what we read becasue the amount of junk that can be passed on as literature is not even funny. Yes so, my whole purpose of saying that is to encourage you, once in a while to do some reading. Not just any kind of reading but reading that will elevate your thinking and uplift you as a person.

All rightie then, let us see what has been up with me??? Hmmmmmmm?? Well clearly you can see i cut off my dreads so I am a "bald-head" again......lol....I do not really think I have much of anything to say. I just did not want you guys to remain in a state of deprivation for too long. By the way, I have had insomnia for three or four weeks now....Does anybody know how to get rid of this because I am bloody exhausted and school reopens in two weeks or so......I do not necessarily want to walk around in zombie mode :-) During my sleepless state, i actually write poetry.....lol....At three at two, one or whatever, I write.....lol.... I will allow you to read two about actual insomnia (ha ha)

Insomnia

I sit among wretched thoughts
Each, nagging at my sleep
Each, keeping my brain awake.
Thoughts are like little children
When one most desires to be left alone; they pop up
Forcing you to feed them.
It is awesome to sit here and think about the deeds done through the day
I’d rather sleep, but what the hell!
It’s incredible to think of my life and my future
I’d rather sleep but I will give it a try!!
To think about my friends and family, I feel compassion!!!
Oh sleep, how I long for you!!!
What if the alphabet were not in that order?
What if the world were flat?
Why do we live, only to die?
Why did I paint my room that colour??
What if I were born a different race?
Oh!
If only the comforting arms of sleep would surround me!!
But I go on entertaining thoughts
As they are children needing their mother’s touch.
Ah!And then, it is day!

AND

Cognizance

I wake up from a deep state of consciousness
I am relieved to see sunlight burst into the skies and spread its rays all around
But I am saddened to see night slowly disappear
Since I did not profit from the silent slumber
That night rewards us with.

I walk around,
Knowing that I should begin my day.
But my eye lids are sagging
And my movements seem depressed.
As an invalid, I find difficulty in the simplest acts-
A smile, a wave, even laughter.

My head is throbbing
As blood tries to keep me even more conscious
Through this day.

All I’d like to do is to rest my weariness but I am not able
As it is the time to work.
But when night falls,
My thoughts will consume me
And I will need to entertain them
As a mother would a child.

When will my rest come then?
Perhaps when I am dead,
I will attain sweet slumber.
Only then.

So until then,
I am to be painfully awake
Until death releases me from my conscious duty.

Yes yes, so this is what i have writ based on my sleeplessness :-) I have to go but i will catch you guys later. Arriverderci! Ciao! Adios! Chao! Adieu! Au revoir! Bye!!!!!

A Grave Heart

Hi Guys, I apologize for my lengthy absence!!! I have been tired with working and trying too hard to help people who really do not deserve it. Life is so funny sometimes (not funny Ha Ha) You try your best to be kind and loving to others and it comes back and bites you right in the fanny. How many of you are certain that the person you tell all your secrets, keep them only to him or herself? How can you be certain that someone you love, loves you back? How can you be certain?? The truth is, you cannot be certain. You just can't! There are so many people in this world who are just waiting for a chance for you to fail, to fall, to make a mistake so they can laugh the hardest and the loudest for no reason, except to make you feel bad.

I really do not understand human beings. Some of them are so constipated with negativity, that when something nice comes their way, the try to twist it around and make it into something awful. Others just feel the need to talk about you for no specific reason, except maybe, they were bored. People are so cruel sometimes with the things they do and say.

I try to be a nice person but it is bloody difficult when everybody thinks your niceness is due to something utterly twisted. It is so easy for me to become evil and just downright cruel but with my pea sized brain and my gullible demeanour, I think, 'Maybe my smile will help them today, maybe they'll change'

Today, with it being rather difficult to recognize friend from foe, I would think it so much easier if i were to exit this cruel world. In this life, i find it difficult to love because the people you love, maybe tempted to keep things from you, in the spirit of protection and lie to you, in the spirit of love.

Oh how i wish I were a kid again; running naked in the rain, not having a care in the world. O how I wish I were a kid again! (sigh) I remember telling this friend of mine that she was too easily frazzled by things people say and do, but really, it does hurt! When you find out, people can't stand the sight of you because of the way you walk, the way you dress and the way you respond to your friends and the people you love.

What an easy thing it would be, simply to minus self from this life. If it were possible, I would become and onlooker and not a participator of this life. After all, the only part of this life that really sticks with me is the hurt. To find out that you are stuck in the same place, with those same people who live life as if it were a game of monopoly. Their smiles burn me, their hugs cut me, their tongues stab me because they know in their hearts they hate me but they're going to speak to me nicely and whisper behind my back.

Please tell me you hate me, it won't hurt as much as your hypocrisy. Please tell me, you hate me. Don't lie through your teeth and waste I love yous. Please tell me you hate me. I'd feel better if I had only one friend because all the other people on earth were honest enough to tell me the truth of how they feel instead of having many friends who really don't care if i live or die. They are simply waiting for the opportunity for me to fail so they can laugh and gossip behind my back.

I am human, I do not talk about you so I do not think it is human nature for you to whisper about me. I dont whisper about you, why do you whisper about me? Is it that you have nothing of substance in your life? Is it that you lead a rather boring life? What is it? What makes you think you have the right to make up stories and twist my love to make it seem dirty? Who are you? They say idle hands are the devil's workshop, what are idle mouths? Idle mouths spue out demons with their lies. What are they???

Yep!!! Im Back!!!!

Yes, so after a month or so, I have decided to grace you with my presence. You should note though, I never completely vanish. I vacation for a season and then i return. Yes well, so i can not tell you much of what's been happening with me because I can not remember half of it. I am so not kidding!!! But i do know, that the months passed, have been very interesting and I know that i feel something heavy within me. So I am guessing along the way, i received a broken heart. Oh well, who cares?? Right?? I mean, if there is no pain within, how do you know you're truly alive? When one is happy, they feel a sense of euphoria and everything is so "great, fabulous, wonderful, awesome.....' all these optimistic words. I am not knocking happiness down but in order to realize that yes indeed, you were happy, you need to feel the pain of loss, heartache, disappointment and all of these words that make your smile flip downwards and create creases on the heart of your forehead.

I have come to realize that life is hard and sometimes or rather, most times i feel life is not worth living. Even in the so-called happiest moments in life, I'd rather be somewhere far away from the joy. Maybe my brain is simply so constipated that I feel I do not have the right to be happy and I do not deserve good things. How do the psychiatrists call this? My unhappiness is almost always created by me and my desire to do the right thing or other times, my desire to prove that I am unworthy. Unworthy of what? I do not know!

I have an innate desire to make people happy and to make them feel worthy. Perhaps it is because I am attempting to find happiness through theirs. Though I know, that one needs to make the decision to become happy. But to me, making the decision is tasking. Whereas i could simply be overwhelmingly generous, loyal and a good listener. I love to see happiness in people's eyes. I like to read their eyes and simply see joy. This makes me happy, not a decision I made to be happy but simply seeing others as happy.

I always look deep into my soul to try to come up with what I really want in life, and yes, it may sound cliche, but if everybody around me is happy for one reason or another, I am happy as well. I know, I know..... I may say these things now and seconds later, I may tell you that what makes me happy is listening to silence, listening to nature and minussing all the pollution of his voice, her voice, this radio, her television, his computer et cetera.

So this is what I have come to realize and Psychiatrists you can always disagree....I love to make people happy, I love to make persons feel better.....I, all in all, love people but I am a moody person and sometimes I feel that being happy takes too much work and it is okay to alienate myself for awhile; to listen to the silence and to listen to myself think.

Each day, I require a dose of sadness and a dose of happiness. No matter how large the dose of sadness is, one of my greatest talents is to feign happiness so much so, that I begin to believe that indeed I am happy. I wake up in the morning, and I guess I do, I do make the decision to fake happiness rather than make the decision to be happy. I said earlier, the decision to BE happy takes too much work.

Other times, I wake up and think "why even try to fake it?" There are times when Im happy being unhappy. But there are these rare occasions where I am just happy. I did not make the decision but I simply feel blessed. This is the happiness i enjoy but most times, it is too much for me. All in all, I am not a negative person, but life would be so much easier if we all crawled into our shells and no one impacted anyone. But they say, we're humans and it is a prerequisite that we interact with each other......Functionalist, Marxists, Interactionalists, Phenomenologists....They all agree, some level of interaction is pivotal...... (sigh)

I think this was my most boring blog but it is all about my mood and right now, i feel that I need to be understood. :-) Arriverderci! Adieu! Adios! Adyu! Goodbye!!!!