Compulsion

Who can properly define love when the twists and turns are so many; so treacherous, painful, yet exhilarating!! What happens when a person decides to open their heart and allow somebody to caress the tenderest point of ones humanity?? There, at the point of touch the person makes the decision to either squeeze the most sensitive and vulnerable part of you to cause you the ultimate degree of pain or they can decide to gently massage your sensitive point until you can not contend with happiness any longer.

It takes a brave person to open up themselves like that and to trust- not knowing whether the one we have chosen, will puncture us or care for us! So why do we do it?? Why do we decide to place such a delicate thing in the hands of another?? Is it that we thrive on pain??? Is it that, we have been socialised into it and thus we know nothing more than to place our most private part into the hand of a human being?? Or is it that the idea of finding that one person to cause overwhelming happiness causes us to continuously hand our heart as if it were a party favour??

It is so difficult to decipher whether the heart is in a protected zone because, in an instant one is the recipient of such an incredible massage that it propels you into an orgasmic euphoria and there, you begin to believe that indeed happiness is possible!! You then become addicted and require more of this drug, so you make more of your heart available (you make yourself even more vulnerable) and that is when you feel the sudden surge of pain!! After you have become comfortable and more trusting- that is when the dagger is thrust into the heart and like a simple inflated balloon being pricked, the very substance that keeps the heart alive begins to slowly dissolve into absolute anguish!

After a season, you feel recuperated and the vicious cycle continues and through the pain, your only hope is that one day the orgasmic euphoria will be everlasting.

Ah well, have a splendid evening!! I bid you adieu! Arriverderci!! Sayonara!!

Smithereens

The golden flames surround me and each attempt I make to escape the fire, I feel the heat closer to my face, my hands, my legs, my entire person….. the fire closes in on me and as it does, my breath becomes strenuous, and my heart begins to beat with such passion in order to escape the very present heat! My eye balls feel dry and thus, my eyes begin to burn and the dryness of my mouth causes my desperate tongue to leap out, hoping for the tiniest drop of life!! The flame snakes even closer to me and there is no specific place that I can hide because a better trap could not have been set. The flames, closer now, hairs begin to burn and I know this, not because of the sweltering heat that seems to suffocate my pores but because the smell of burnt hair in the midst of a fire is over powering. The flames now, uncomfortably close, begin to pierce through my skin as if it were tiny needles being inserted into every inch of my person at the same time. The fire penetrates my legs, my arms, my head and the heat has surrounded me to a point where I cannot properly define my self lest it be together with the callous flames. As the fire envelopes me, I feel the heat melting away at what seems to be just a film of flesh. Then, I feel the heat against my bones and as I begin to transform into ash, I could hear the fire so clearly now, cackling with laughter…..

I would have liked to close my eyes and imagine some one whose love was so much more powerful than the fire, walking right through to save me! I would have imagined this person’s heart burning more potently than the mere fire and as the person sees me being shredded by the monstrous flame, they’d step right into the very soul of the demon and rescue me from its embrace!!

But I have nothing in my possession that resembles rose tinted glasses and my own glass always appears half empty! Thus, I do not expect the self sacrificing love and I do not even pray for it because really, who deserves such love?? If such love were to exist from a being, I would have to negate the philosophy that I have always kept close to me; that all man is selfish and because of that there is nothing they can do that will be more disappointing than their mere humanity. So, after the fire, I will rest in my peaceful grave knowing that I have gone whence I came.

As a falling leaf from some tree, I shall depart from this earth and if, perchance one tear is shed, I say to you, if only for my mother’s I am grateful.

Ah well, Buena noche!!!

Misanthropism

Let me close my eyes and imagine myself riding the folds of the ocean! Let me feel the tender breeze push me against it’s rhythmic pulse and kiss me with the uttermost passion! Let me feel the sun’s rays lull me to a point of peace! Let the oceans roar welcome me and let me forget that life can be the cruellest form of pain.

Let me forget that the overwhelming agony that flows through me is forlornness. Let me feel the wind, rough, now gentle, now rough against my desperate form. Let me get to the climactic point of forgetfulness and like a soothed kitten, let me fall in the arms of positive remembrance…..

Let me remember,

The butterfly kisses along my neck, the soft kisses upon my lips and the desperate need for another whiff of your humanity.

(But then again, our hearts were bulldozed apart and never can the pieces be recovered! Never can that particular moment be rekindled.)

I remember a time of family togetherness; where treasure hunts, family outings, jokes and all these were a normal occurrence. I remember being the crazy one who always found humour in everything. I remember the cousin I grew up with and thought of him as one of my greatest friends, I remember persons I admired in my family, others I could just hang out with and chill out and another one of them I could sit and talk comfortably about life’s sense of humour…… what beautiful memories these are!!!

(But now we have everybody with their own life and with their own families and the person you used to admire is miles and miles away, the closest friend is even further away, the cousin you used to do crazy things with is gone, the ones you used to cook with and play around the house with are out somewhere and the others who remain are too busy with their own lives to notice that you are still around. Families dwindle I suppose, it is a way of moving forward! Friendships become sore! People we love become sick and they die! )

Remembrance does not seem to be pulling me from the grip of sadness but rather it seems to be pushing me further into the death-like hold.

I feel a weakness in my soul and a deep desire to close my eyes! If I close my eyes, I will be permanently placed into the bosom of sleep and I would no longer be part of life’s twisted sense of humour.

We meet new people and we fall in love, but then what’s the point if they are going to move forward and leave you behind? It seems that way to me though, that whilst everybody is mobile, I am the stationary island in the midst of the ocean- waiting for the tiny thrills from the winds attempt at love making..

I am an island!!

Ah well, until we meet again!! Sayonara!! Arriverderci!! Adios!!

Consummation

Last night, I dreamed that I was writing a book and in my fairytale subconscious the book was incredibly well written with the right twists and turns and I even surprised myself. After a few minutes, I slightly shifted from slumber’s embrace and I could still remember what the book was about so I promised myself that when I was fully awake, that I would begin to type up the ingenious information that was over powering my dreams.

However, when I got up this morning, I could not remember what the book was about. Though my desire was there to write, I had lost the gift that had been given so freely yet so sparingly.

It seems that is how life works for us though! We are offered something great, something that could drastically transform our lives for the better and we hesitate! When we hesitate – we blink, we take a moment to consider – as speedily as the gift was revealed, it more quickly disappears.

How many gifts did we allow to slip away from us? How many good ideas did we delay until we forgot what they were?

I remember wanting so many things! I remember these desires being so close that I could literally taste them. But with my hesitations and constant thinking about the pros and cons, these desires, these dreams have gotten away from me.

If I had woken up to write that book, do you think my world would have been different?? Or at least my opinion of myself?? But then again, if I had gotten up, my heightened pessimism would have inhibited my creative juices.

My dreams are drifting away from me and soon I will be one of these people who are permanently drenched with the desire to be bitter.

Let not your dreams, and desires be tiny specks that aimlessly move about the universe! Before the idea is even visible, grab and wait for your transformation! Do not be hesitant and allow things to slip away because when they do, all you have is nothing but a stagnant existence!

But the reception of the dream rocks the boat, even a little and thus makes us more contented!

Some of us are living in this two by four existence and sooner or later we will be suffocated by the desperate need we feel and the lack that is so obviously filthying up our lives.

Do something about it!! Dream! Desire!! And when a speck of light passes your way, grab it so that you can be illuminated and so your life can stop being the rut we all know it is. It is important that we light our hearts up because then it is sustained for another season. Hold on to the light!!

Ah well, have an evening filled with goodness and absolute joy. Adieu!!

Contrition

Pierce through me with a sword and watch me bleed! Bury me and let me no more gasp for breath! Torture me, and let not a sound escape my lips! Poison me and let me die alone! Cover me with hate and watch me shrivel into nothingness! Chop me, slice me and feed me to the dogs and let me not whimper!!

I deserve it all! I deserve it all because my humanity some times causes me to forget! My humanity causes me to become frantic, overwhelmed and stressed!

Yes, indeed I’d like to take on the world! I’d like to heal you from sickness! I’d like to bury your pain in the sea of forgetfulness! But my humanity restricts me! My humanity makes me feel things, think things, regret things!!

I may say I am sorry and I may try with all my heart not to disappoint you again! But chances are, I will forget again! Chances are, I will feel overwhelmed again and I may not remember!

So if you fear a bigger disappointment, pierce me, whip me, kill me and bury me!! I get angry about incompetence but I put little faith in people so I am rarely ever disappointed! But I do know how it feels when I disappoint myself! And I loathe the feeling more than anyone can allow themselves to imagine.

I APOLOGIZE! But then how can you not possibly think, that if it were you, you’d not forget! Even though my excuse was that I had eight classes for the day and I had to take up assembly for the morning! Even though my excuse was that I was stressed out! The point is, I remembered mine, so why did I forget yours???

Do you really think the intent was malicious? If you do, you do not know me well enough! Some things I remember and you’re happy for the moment of remembrance but the things I forget you keep locked in memory!

So with my cramping muscles, my throbbing head, my sore feet, my watery eyes, I apologize and ask not for forgiveness but that you bury the disappointment I have caused you deep within the walls of forgotten or you tip me over into a furnace that will quickly enflame me and thus, I’d have paid for my humanity! Either way, I ask that you do not allow my act of disappointment to fester upon your soul like a decaying sore because soon the filth will begin to infest your being!

Ah well, whatever you do, be blessed and have a good night! Arriverderci!!!

Desired Dementia

How does it feel to go utterly insane? Can one define their emotions? Is insanity an escape from life’s reality? The insane, who hallucinate and see everything with rose petaled glasses (Oh how I envy them) The insane, who walk around living day to day with one specific memory! The insane who vacation at a special childhood experience in their heads! The criminally insane who visualize murder as necessary and thus, don’t feel the guilty stains of regret!

Perhaps if I were insane, I would have a box to place all my bad memories! Perhaps if I were insane, I could stand in the middle of the grounds at the school and scream my head off!

The insane are privileged because they can walk around and do as they please because they have been deemed insane. How rich, I’d feel if I were deemed insane!!! That would give me an excuse to decide to climb up the top floor of any building and fly away or jump off some bridge in search of lifelessness!!

The feelings I have inside are feeding on my very soul because every time you hurt me, and shut me down, I feel so much that words have become null!! You ask me what is wrong and I can not tell you because I hurt, I hurt all over!

If I were insane, I’d not use words!! I’d pull my hair out from the vey roots!! I’d burn my eyes out!! I’d cut my heart out and shred it to pieces!! I’d bang my head against a wall and watch my brains sip through the cracks!!

But, I am not insane, or rather, I have not been labelled as such!! So I have to face the stabs I get by your wordlessness!! I have to endure the pain!!

Why is it so difficult, for me to stay in the memory of cookies and milk on a rainy day, lying on the living room floor under bed sheets with my cousins? If I stay there, I will forget you, the commitments and you, the love and you, my students and you and you and all else!!!

The insane…… So privileged you must be!! Each of you is slumbering in one part of your mind and damn your soul! Damn your emotions whilst I wallow in the reality of my emotional horror!!

Ah well, have an evening filled with goodness!!! Adios!!!!

Self Crucifixion

When did I become the person who relished in aloneness rather than with human contact? I look back and it seems as if who I am now is who I have always been! But there is a distant memory or a dream; of this young girl who loved to laugh, hang out with friends and enjoy life!

Which of the two is really me? I am the person who does not smile much because I think, “what’s the point, you’re going to speak ill about me anyway!” So I do not smile any more and I am not as friendly.

If it happened, that I indeed possessed this affable demeanour, then my mind and heart have been through an absolute transformation in which my trust for people has gone way below zero and my love for them is non-existent!

I find refuge in closing my bedroom door and wandering along life’s journey in my mind. I have come to hate conversations because these more often than not, end up in a quarrel or a friend gossiping about what one may or may not have said.

I feel comfortable in being alone! I feel comfortable knowing that at some point I may die. Some days I lose myself and I smile too long and I have many conversations and later on, in my refuge of silence, I scold myself!

I told my students last week that it was important for them to be nice to everybody because they can not possibly know what the future will bring.. I gave them that piece of advice, not because I believe it but because it could make a few of them, a much better person than I am.

I used to think that I was good, until my love for life and people slowly began to diminish! Perhaps this person I see in my dreams, smiling to all, being funny, always laughing was me! But at some moment, myself separated from me and left this dried up excuse for a human being.

I want that person back but I find it difficult to reunite with her since I have barricaded myself! And if I decided to break down those barricades, I will no longer be safe and that scares me!

So, I will dream until finally this epitome of bliss is crucified by my own soul and all I will be, is what I already am.

Ah well, take care until we meet again! Arriverderci! Adios! Chao! Au revoir! Ja ne!

Displacement

I walk in the midst of hundreds and I feel alone and disoriented! My mind works a hundred miles per hour and I hear every body around me speaking – bees buzzing as they move along; annoyingly.

Lips moving quickly! People, rushing here and there, with one purpose - to find what they are looking for.

I can hear their footsteps, as they walk hastily to this place, then that place…

These bees are becoming blurry as they rush pass me, not noticing that their very movements have nauseated me…

My thoughts are lost in some deep abyss as I try to keep my feet grounded and these bees keep buzzing pass me, their different scents – good or bad – aggravating the walls of my stomach and all I desire to do, is to heave out the breakfast I had missed….

Seeing that my tummy was empty, I could feel the rhythm of pain, as my insides try to expel my internal organs on to the streets…..

My heart thumps into my ears and my senses become utterly confused! My very heart has lost its rhythm and I can feel it literally racing within me with fear…..

With such panic within, my heart slowly begins to disappear from itself and my breath becomes laboured and all I am able to do, is walk…..

All I need is to walk away from the human hive and be alone, so that my thoughts may marry and become real….

So that I may be able to smell without tasting the stench and feeling the odour actually rotting my soul…..

I’d like to walk in the direction, where alone is really alone! Where the heart is able to keep a steady tune within that may even lull me to an imaginary beach of silence… A place where I can smell the breeze and identify the singular beauty of a flower….

I hate crowds! I hate mingling amongst people who I do not know and do not care about…..

I enjoy the sweet silence of aloneness and the calming sounds of quiet…. I love the occasional meeting of a dear friend but I simply detest the rowdy, boisterous, unemotional human contact…..

So forgive me! Forgive the fact that noise weakens my senses and destroys my nerves. Forgive the fact that strangers, compel fear within me…..

I simply hate the concept of being lost amongst unknowns and dying without the idea of an effortless thought……

Ah well, buenas noches todos personas! Good night to all!गुड निघत तो अल!! ಗುಡ್ ನಿಘ್ತ್ ಟು ಆಲ್!!Bon Soir! Gute Nacht!

Personation

Who am I? I am always a replica of everything and nothing at once! I seem to be a mirror and all I am is a reflection of something else.

Some days, I am almost certain that I am a teacher but I think I act according to my environment.

Some days I think I am crazy and other days I am not!

I have not been properly defined as a human being. I love to write, but that does not make me a writer! I love to read, but that does not mean I am intellectually sound! I love to sing and I love the guitar, but I am neither singer nor musician.

Who am I? I can not define myself! I can not tell you who I am because I am not yet properly characterized.

I have a see through existence, magnifying other people’s lives and taking it up as mine for a season.

This existence is empty, yet filled with your glory! This existence is emotionless, but loaded with your bottomless feelings. I am expressionless, however, your ability to drip poetry from your core makes me pregnant with expression.

My reality only reflects – what a way to live life, being only a reflection of something but really, being absolutely nothing in the process of mirroring everything!

I’d like someday for that existence, or rather, the lack of it to melt into the deep ravine of obliteration and I’d like to be fully able to give a definition of me! Because at this point, if you ask me who I am, I can only answer; “I am you and you and you and you” never really being me.

Or, is it that a piece of each of you, has already defined me? Is it that, I needed each of you to become who I am?

Who am I? I am you and you and you and you and me!!! As I have encountered each of you, I have become ME!!! Pieces of you have brought me together in a beautiful and unique symphony!!

Who am I? I am Me!!


Ah well, have a fabulous day!! Arriverderci! Adieu! Adios! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Auf wiedersehen! Farewell!

Sufferance

I have to sit there and take this because I am a child of God?

Well aren’t you?? Aren’t you a child of God?

You profess to be one! Yet you asphyxiate me with your gossiping tongues and you cut through me with your judgemental eyes! (Last week, I am sure you preached that judging was left to God! I am sure, the week before that you said something about identifying the “mote” in your own eye before you try to talk about somebody else’s! I am sure you preached….)


But at this point, you are dissecting me, as you would a pathetic, worthless frog!

At this point, you are allowing Satan to cover your thoughts, and you call it Godly!!

If it were up to me, I’d burn your eyes out for your vicious seeing!

If it were up to me, I’d cut your tongues out for your malicious gossiping!

If it were up to me, I’d peel each of you like a fruit and place you in the sun and watch as it enflames you…….

If it were up to me, I’d take your ashes and use it as a symbol for your children and your children’s children…..

If it were up to me…..

But it is not!!!!!

And so,

With your words and your beliefs, you threw me into the dark hole of nothingness!

With your looks, you drowned my personality and left a rock hard, hollow shell!!

So how can I walk uprightly at this point?? How can I walk into the house without bearing shields?

I think you are hypocrites!

I think you are devious little creatures who do not even deserve to eat, even from the very faeces of the devil!

I do not want to enter your house knowing that you stabbed me! If Caesar, Augustus Caesar hadn’t died, you think he’d let Brutus into his house? You think he’d sit with Brutus and enjoy a sanctified meal??

It is not about forgiveness! It is about trust and you shattered the refuge I felt amongst you!

You have spat on me with your acidic spit!

You have strangled my heart with your thorny caresses and your jaggered hugs and silenced the very core of my existence!

I can not yet walk into the fold without drawing my sword, so I choose to stay away for a season because I choose not to wallow in the mud like pigs do! I choose not to be like you!!

But do not think, you have kicked me out! I will return, with my sword at my side, I will return to the fold of hypocrites and liars who believe they are heaven bound!

I will return to watch as you, Sadducees and Pharisees burn from within…..

But as i watch (sigh) let your very breath destroy me so that i may live no longer in sufferance!!!

Ah well. to all, a good night!! Buenas noches! Gute Nacht! Bon soir!

Acquiescence

Before I die…..

Before my body begins to melt into the dust that it came,
my heart would have lost every ounce of life.

But I suppose, that is the definition of true love; being strong enough to have hurt slice through you like a fine blade and still one continues swimming in the gutter that is pregnant with dangerous and deadly substances.

Being so strong, that when your love opens their mouth and daggers begin to fling at every corner of your heart, you do not acknowledge the pain and remember that you do truly love…….

Being so strong, that when they beat upon your heart you can ignore the agony and listen to the music!

Allow them, to spit on you with filthy words and accept their filth with open arms.

Watch their two edged tongue pierce through you and see even your blood dripping with fear and remember that you are bleeding for love…..

Feel the pain…

Savour it!! Allow it to linger a while and remember that even though, even though there is no part of you that does not hurt, it is worth it…….

Worth it?? Yes, worth it!! Do not ask me why; It just is!!!

I think I am strong enough to bare love because what else is there to do?

Wither away in the valley of loneliness?

Get lost in the vast abyss of desperation?

No! I am strong enough to feel the agony of true love and begin to accept it as part of me!!

Thus, I choose to watch my heart as it is bludgeoned to death……In love, true love!!!

Ah well, have a pleasant evening!! गुड बाय! ಗುಡ್ ಬೈ! ഗുഡ് ബൈ! குட் பாய்! ! Arriverderci! Ja ne! Adios! Addii! Au revoir! Adieu! Bye!

Metamorphosis

I must have done something wrong in my childhood to grow up into this person! I must have told a lie or stolen some important secret! I must have done something wrong! Because why else would I hand my heart over to the devil, when I knew he’d molest it, rape it and destroy it!

I remember, one day at the age of eleven, I woke up and I was different! My eyes saw a different complexion, my hearing enhanced and my thoughts were brilliantly coloured! I found beauty in the oddest places and love in the most painful…..

That’s why I did not choose to fall in love with you but that’s why I did! What would be more painful than falling in love with a person you could never have?

Why does one jump into a fire head first unless they believe it is home?

The fire is familiar to me because I transformed my heart into the devil’s armour so long ago. Why not sit upon the throne of raging coal? Why not drink of the searing lava? Why not bathe in the piercing flames? Why not smell as the fire burns through me and transforms me? Why not love you?

The pain….. Sweet pain, causing even my core to tremble! (sigh) This is home!!!..

The purpose of fire is to refine, to purify! So soon I will be refined! Right?

But at the end…

When the flame has died away and my impurities disappear, who will I become? Whose will I be? What will I be without the pain that causes even silence to whimper??


Ah well, have a marvellous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Sundered

Holding hands and being silly! Kissing, you hated but with me, you said you were sharing your soul…

With each kiss, our minds, our bodies and our hearts combined…

Some days, I stand before my class, open my mouth and you leap out…. Certain things I would not do, I do now; because we had become one! A one in which we did not know how to begin and end without the other……

I shared my thoughts, my dreams and you shared yours and then, our dreams became entwined…. You never opened your mouth unless you said “we” or “us” and future plans were made automatically…….

Our entangled hearts were being lifted to the stars as we became us….. It was a beautiful transfiguration and believe it or not, it was my first….. Never had I been anybody but me until you….

I could not define myself without you and you could not without me…..

Blood of my blood….

Flesh of my flesh….

Bone of my bone......

Heart of my heart…..

You and I became us….

Then, a knife sliced through us and I lost me or you, I can not exactly differentiate! I became a lost fragment of some whole!

So I lay in the dark, bloody and confused!! Who am I?? Why am I feeling like part of me was ripped out??

I am healing but I am no longer whole….

Ah well, have a wonderful day! Adios! Adeus! Arriverderci! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!!

Dissolution

Are death and the desire for disappearance synonymous?? I do not believe in taking anyone’s life, not even my own but some days, I long to disappear! Simply vanish from all the hurt!

Does it sound selfish for me to say such a thing? My person is being suffocated with love and then suddenly being deprived of it…. My life is pregnant with hurt, then unimaginable agony…. My life is filled with laughter yet, empty and without form….

Some days, I imagine myself floating away on the waves of a vast ocean and simply feeling the wind caress my face and nature, speaking to me soothingly…. I think I’d like to feel the waves against my healing heart as I slowly travelled along (Perhaps even becoming one with the ocean)! As I travelled, my thoughts would cease to exist and my heart, numb (almost like a balloon floating with the winds; there is no particular direction and not one sudden thought or care in the world)

I do not want to die….

Or maybe I do! But I do not want to take my own life away! Nor do I want it taken away in a treacherous, bloody way! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if death were a vacation from hurt, painful thoughts and a dark soul? But come to think of it, it is…..

I love my friends and family and I need them in my life! But for a little while… Just a little while allow me to disappear from the pain, the sadness, the loud silence, the agonizing non-touches, the scalding non-kisses, the harsh quarrels, the meaningless I love yous and yet, the ones with too much meaning…..

Allow me to flow with the currents, upon the sea of forgetfulness! Lethe, I beg of you let me drink of you so that I may become thoughtless, painless, soul-less…. If only for a moment, grant me sweet forgetfulness and allow me to vanish from all…. Only for a season….

And after the vacation, after the peace, let life’s misery slap me like a lost ghost……

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Healing Heart

What is the word that describes an incident that has gone far beyond memory? Forgotten? No. Further than forgotten. In the past few days, I was able to patch up the pieces of my broken heart with band aids and bandages. You may have considered it, a state of false consciousness, but I was happy. (Sort of)

Throughout this week, my happiness, was to a point, genuine. Then, you asked me to forget a simple thing and I was hurt. I was hurt because to you, it was a simple request but to me, you had further diminished the meaning of our memory.

I chose to disentangle my heart with yours, no matter how agonising and no matter how many scars were visible. I take your words as you fling them, I take your attitude as you asphyxiate me with it! But now, you have the audacity to ask me to forget? When memory is all I have? You want me to forget, passed forgotten!!!! If I close my eyes and ask that one thing never exist then another will vanish until finally, no memory is left.

You asked me to forget so i responded, "Sure, why not forget it all!" and you dare get hurt because of my tone?? If you want me to forget one, why not forget all?? Why not forget the goodmorning kisses?? The sexy talk over the phone? why not forget it all?

But of course I can not. Not a small aspect of memory can be forgotten. Please do not ask me to forget, even passed the point of forgotten. My heart is slowly patching up - the bandages keep the pieces together. But i need the memories, ALL of them! So that I do not forget that inspite of everything, I am still me!

Ah well, have a marvelous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Illusive Heart

We have multitudes of conversations where you speak, and then I, then I cry and then you.... This gets old after a time! Especially since every deep conversation we have is like literally yanking teeth from your mouth.

So after last night, where you expressed yourself enough to say that you missed me and that you hate the fact that I blog about our private business, we closed the chapter on our bitter sweet love that was always expected to be temporary.

Last night was the ending to a very difficult book....

This morning, I awoke from my bed and my wretched broken heart was yanked from within and replaced with a mirage - an image of a painfree, well formed heart. I may have been in a state of euphoria but i refuse to face reality at this point because I am happy!! (sort of)

My heart that was yanked from me seem to be floating in the valley of obsoletism and I can not seem to care! The fact that my heart was yanked from me, has placed me in an absolute state of anesthesia. I hear you speaking to me with your distant, echoing tone, I respond as I move from cloud to cloud... unfeeling, oblivious to anything real! I am in a state of semi-consciousnesss!!

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Bloody Teardrops

I informed my friend that I was being hurt by certain acts that were being performed by them and my dear friend proceeded to inform me that, really, if I were hurt I would be crying by now, so clearly the hurt is null and void. I paraphrased, but that was the essence of the statement.

Am I supposed to believe when you say "I love you?" when your actions clearly state something totally opposite? I expected with the very long conversation we had sometime ago, you would understand when I am being selfless! You would understand the fact, that I care so much, that I'd prefer your health over spending actual time with you. I hope you'd understand me enough to know, that I need you to be hopelessly happy and it affects me, when you are affected. Do you not know how happy it makes me to talk to you? But then again, what is the point of telling you this?!

Today, my error was, I thought of your health and you thought I was brushing you off. My friend, you can not see the external tears, but my heart is overwhelmed with bloody tear drops. These tear drops have burned within me because each acidic drop feels like a two sided dagger rushing through my veins.

Do not think that my external tears has more meaning, than my internal ones. I wish my salty tears would fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks! I'd feel better. But since the pain comes from deep within, I have no choice but to tear up from within myself! Your words swiftly lash from your mouth and stab at my heart! You want to see the damage you've caused? Look inside me, do not wait for the tears.

Because inside, you will see a chopped up, bloody mess! The heart- my heart, is to the point of non-existence! So one day, I will become more than sad, my tear drops will end and I will become an unemotional, empty shell! Wait for it.... One last stab and I will be done away with....

Ah well, have a wonderful day! Adios! Adeus! Arriverderci! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!!

Flourishing Envy

I sit here, reminiscing about the stolen kisses, the holding hands and the laughing until our sides hurt. These times were exceptional! These days, I was almost certain you were mine! Days we used to spend together, "dates" we used to go on! Remember the restaurant by the beach? No, you would not! You do not dwell in the past!! But those were the days I could have almost admitted that you were mine.

But right now, sitting on the throne of cold reality, I can say that you were never mine! And though you were never really mine, I realized something about myself that made me stop and think...

Though your transition was an easy one, I saw you today, and my heart became a complexion it never had been when I was almost certain you were mine!

Yes, we agreed to change the dynamics of the relationship, and I am so glad that you are happy! But in the process I have totally lost my grasp on "it" - the thing we had that nobody else around had!!

I never expected to lose you and you may not even believe that you are lost to me! But my green heart growing from deep inside the pain I feel, portrays the fact that indeed, I have lost you... (If I have not lost you, I am so intensely threatened by everyone, that I will lose you!)

Yes, we do still laugh but you have pulled away almost everything that makes us, us (So what do I have to hold on to? A small dose of your conditional love?) [Ah those fights that used to make you seem so sexy] and this jealousy that has grown out of my humanity, is not who I am! So, from this moment, I give you up with the hope that at some point, you will notice that I am what you need! But then, if you never return, at least one day, my green heart will wither away and die!

Ah well, have a marvelous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Thoughtlessness

With my joints creaking and my shoulders drooping, I sit before my computer feeling that the very life was drained out of me! With my eight teaching periods today, perhaps I have a right to feel exhausted! But it is more than exhaustion! My body feels beaten, haggard - almost too old for the soul that lives within! But really, what is the soul? In the Bible, the soul is synonymous to the breath of life (In the Old Testament the Hebrew word for "soul" is nephesh. Nephesh means "a person," "breath," or "soul" or "life." ) but to human beings it means something totally different!

To most humans, the soul is a living aspect! I have heard such statements as "the body dies, but the soul lives on" So, i figured, why not look up the definition! This is what I found; Soul -
The animating and vital principle in humans, credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often conceived as an immaterial entity.
The spiritual nature of humans, regarded as immortal, separable from the body at death, and susceptible to happiness or misery in a future state.
The disembodied spirit of a dead human.
A human: "the homes of some nine hundred souls" (Garrison Keillor).
The central or integral part; the vital core: A person considered as the perfect embodiment of an intangible quality; A person's emotional or moral nature: A sense of ethnic pride among Black people and especially African Americans, expressed in areas such as language, social customs, religion, and music.
A strong, deeply felt emotion conveyed by a speaker, a performer, or an artist.

Wow, soul is really pregnant with meaning! But then if our soul is the emotional, the moral, the vital core and "the disembodied spirit of the dead" ???? Really???? Then what is the mind?
This is what i got for MIND -
The human consciousness that originates in the brain and is manifested especially in thought, perception, emotion, will, memory, and imagination.
The collective conscious and unconscious processes in a sentient organism that direct and influence mental and physical behavior.
The principle of intelligence; the spirit of consciousness regarded as an aspect of reality.
The faculty of thinking, reasoning, and applying knowledge: Follow your mind, not your heart.
A person of great mental ability

I remember reading somewhere that, the soul is the place where we feel pleasure.
The mind is the place where we calculate how to receive the pleasure. Would it not be easier for us, if we believed that the soul were indeed our breath? Then clearly, the mind would be where the thought processes, the moral aspects, the emotional and all of that occurred!!!

My confusion about the mind and soul began seconds after typing the first few lines!! I was about to state that my very soul felt exhaustion!! But then again (thinking with my mind, here) How could my breath be tired!! So in my effort to tell you how exhausted I am, I have bored you to a point of no return!! But really, my mind is rather drained!

Ah well, good bye! Ciao! Arriverderci! Adeu! Ja ne!

Iced Heart

My friend who was able to switch from Eros to Philia is now as cold as the Arctic! My friend believes that the friendship that was present before the Eros is still there! But I think that my friend is trying so hard with the Phillia love, that it has now become completely frigid.

A few minutes ago, my friend suggested "Malica, I am trying to be nice to you but you are being so difficult!" I informed my dear friend that if they had to "try" then please stop! My friend replied, "You are taking try in the wrong context!" So I decided, okay, perhaps I am taking the word in the wrong context so i decided to look it up; TRY - 1. To make an effort to do or accomplish (something); attempt: OR 2. To taste, sample, or otherwise test in order to determine strength, effect, worth, or desirability

Perhaps I should take it like this, you are determining whether I am still worth the effort, hence the use of try! Or, you think it rather tasking and difficult to be my friend- which was apparently so easy to do last week when you informed me that Eros flew out the window and Philia walked in and took its place! (No sweat)!!

So what other context is there?? Perhaps my friend did not have such an easy transition from Eros to Philia! Or, perhaps still, my friend finds it better to further transform from Phillia to Frigid love! But honestly, when I try being nice, that means that really I am not actually nice! But, perhaps I am taking this out of context! Maybe try has a different meaning! A meaning the dictionary I used, was not familiar with!!

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!