Yes, so after a month or so, I have decided to grace you with my presence. You should note though, I never completely vanish. I vacation for a season and then i return. Yes well, so i can not tell you much of what's been happening with me because I can not remember half of it. I am so not kidding!!! But i do know, that the months passed, have been very interesting and I know that i feel something heavy within me. So I am guessing along the way, i received a broken heart. Oh well, who cares?? Right?? I mean, if there is no pain within, how do you know you're truly alive? When one is happy, they feel a sense of euphoria and everything is so "great, fabulous, wonderful, awesome.....' all these optimistic words. I am not knocking happiness down but in order to realize that yes indeed, you were happy, you need to feel the pain of loss, heartache, disappointment and all of these words that make your smile flip downwards and create creases on the heart of your forehead.
I have come to realize that life is hard and sometimes or rather, most times i feel life is not worth living. Even in the so-called happiest moments in life, I'd rather be somewhere far away from the joy. Maybe my brain is simply so constipated that I feel I do not have the right to be happy and I do not deserve good things. How do the psychiatrists call this? My unhappiness is almost always created by me and my desire to do the right thing or other times, my desire to prove that I am unworthy. Unworthy of what? I do not know!
I have an innate desire to make people happy and to make them feel worthy. Perhaps it is because I am attempting to find happiness through theirs. Though I know, that one needs to make the decision to become happy. But to me, making the decision is tasking. Whereas i could simply be overwhelmingly generous, loyal and a good listener. I love to see happiness in people's eyes. I like to read their eyes and simply see joy. This makes me happy, not a decision I made to be happy but simply seeing others as happy.
I always look deep into my soul to try to come up with what I really want in life, and yes, it may sound cliche, but if everybody around me is happy for one reason or another, I am happy as well. I know, I know..... I may say these things now and seconds later, I may tell you that what makes me happy is listening to silence, listening to nature and minussing all the pollution of his voice, her voice, this radio, her television, his computer et cetera.
So this is what I have come to realize and Psychiatrists you can always disagree....I love to make people happy, I love to make persons feel better.....I, all in all, love people but I am a moody person and sometimes I feel that being happy takes too much work and it is okay to alienate myself for awhile; to listen to the silence and to listen to myself think.
Each day, I require a dose of sadness and a dose of happiness. No matter how large the dose of sadness is, one of my greatest talents is to feign happiness so much so, that I begin to believe that indeed I am happy. I wake up in the morning, and I guess I do, I do make the decision to fake happiness rather than make the decision to be happy. I said earlier, the decision to BE happy takes too much work.
Other times, I wake up and think "why even try to fake it?" There are times when Im happy being unhappy. But there are these rare occasions where I am just happy. I did not make the decision but I simply feel blessed. This is the happiness i enjoy but most times, it is too much for me. All in all, I am not a negative person, but life would be so much easier if we all crawled into our shells and no one impacted anyone. But they say, we're humans and it is a prerequisite that we interact with each other......Functionalist, Marxists, Interactionalists, Phenomenologists....They all agree, some level of interaction is pivotal...... (sigh)
I think this was my most boring blog but it is all about my mood and right now, i feel that I need to be understood. :-) Arriverderci! Adieu! Adios! Adyu! Goodbye!!!!
