Displacement

I walk in the midst of hundreds and I feel alone and disoriented! My mind works a hundred miles per hour and I hear every body around me speaking – bees buzzing as they move along; annoyingly.

Lips moving quickly! People, rushing here and there, with one purpose - to find what they are looking for.

I can hear their footsteps, as they walk hastily to this place, then that place…

These bees are becoming blurry as they rush pass me, not noticing that their very movements have nauseated me…

My thoughts are lost in some deep abyss as I try to keep my feet grounded and these bees keep buzzing pass me, their different scents – good or bad – aggravating the walls of my stomach and all I desire to do, is to heave out the breakfast I had missed….

Seeing that my tummy was empty, I could feel the rhythm of pain, as my insides try to expel my internal organs on to the streets…..

My heart thumps into my ears and my senses become utterly confused! My very heart has lost its rhythm and I can feel it literally racing within me with fear…..

With such panic within, my heart slowly begins to disappear from itself and my breath becomes laboured and all I am able to do, is walk…..

All I need is to walk away from the human hive and be alone, so that my thoughts may marry and become real….

So that I may be able to smell without tasting the stench and feeling the odour actually rotting my soul…..

I’d like to walk in the direction, where alone is really alone! Where the heart is able to keep a steady tune within that may even lull me to an imaginary beach of silence… A place where I can smell the breeze and identify the singular beauty of a flower….

I hate crowds! I hate mingling amongst people who I do not know and do not care about…..

I enjoy the sweet silence of aloneness and the calming sounds of quiet…. I love the occasional meeting of a dear friend but I simply detest the rowdy, boisterous, unemotional human contact…..

So forgive me! Forgive the fact that noise weakens my senses and destroys my nerves. Forgive the fact that strangers, compel fear within me…..

I simply hate the concept of being lost amongst unknowns and dying without the idea of an effortless thought……

Ah well, buenas noches todos personas! Good night to all!गुड निघत तो अल!! ಗುಡ್ ನಿಘ್ತ್ ಟು ಆಲ್!!Bon Soir! Gute Nacht!

Personation

Who am I? I am always a replica of everything and nothing at once! I seem to be a mirror and all I am is a reflection of something else.

Some days, I am almost certain that I am a teacher but I think I act according to my environment.

Some days I think I am crazy and other days I am not!

I have not been properly defined as a human being. I love to write, but that does not make me a writer! I love to read, but that does not mean I am intellectually sound! I love to sing and I love the guitar, but I am neither singer nor musician.

Who am I? I can not define myself! I can not tell you who I am because I am not yet properly characterized.

I have a see through existence, magnifying other people’s lives and taking it up as mine for a season.

This existence is empty, yet filled with your glory! This existence is emotionless, but loaded with your bottomless feelings. I am expressionless, however, your ability to drip poetry from your core makes me pregnant with expression.

My reality only reflects – what a way to live life, being only a reflection of something but really, being absolutely nothing in the process of mirroring everything!

I’d like someday for that existence, or rather, the lack of it to melt into the deep ravine of obliteration and I’d like to be fully able to give a definition of me! Because at this point, if you ask me who I am, I can only answer; “I am you and you and you and you” never really being me.

Or, is it that a piece of each of you, has already defined me? Is it that, I needed each of you to become who I am?

Who am I? I am you and you and you and you and me!!! As I have encountered each of you, I have become ME!!! Pieces of you have brought me together in a beautiful and unique symphony!!

Who am I? I am Me!!


Ah well, have a fabulous day!! Arriverderci! Adieu! Adios! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Auf wiedersehen! Farewell!

Sufferance

I have to sit there and take this because I am a child of God?

Well aren’t you?? Aren’t you a child of God?

You profess to be one! Yet you asphyxiate me with your gossiping tongues and you cut through me with your judgemental eyes! (Last week, I am sure you preached that judging was left to God! I am sure, the week before that you said something about identifying the “mote” in your own eye before you try to talk about somebody else’s! I am sure you preached….)


But at this point, you are dissecting me, as you would a pathetic, worthless frog!

At this point, you are allowing Satan to cover your thoughts, and you call it Godly!!

If it were up to me, I’d burn your eyes out for your vicious seeing!

If it were up to me, I’d cut your tongues out for your malicious gossiping!

If it were up to me, I’d peel each of you like a fruit and place you in the sun and watch as it enflames you…….

If it were up to me, I’d take your ashes and use it as a symbol for your children and your children’s children…..

If it were up to me…..

But it is not!!!!!

And so,

With your words and your beliefs, you threw me into the dark hole of nothingness!

With your looks, you drowned my personality and left a rock hard, hollow shell!!

So how can I walk uprightly at this point?? How can I walk into the house without bearing shields?

I think you are hypocrites!

I think you are devious little creatures who do not even deserve to eat, even from the very faeces of the devil!

I do not want to enter your house knowing that you stabbed me! If Caesar, Augustus Caesar hadn’t died, you think he’d let Brutus into his house? You think he’d sit with Brutus and enjoy a sanctified meal??

It is not about forgiveness! It is about trust and you shattered the refuge I felt amongst you!

You have spat on me with your acidic spit!

You have strangled my heart with your thorny caresses and your jaggered hugs and silenced the very core of my existence!

I can not yet walk into the fold without drawing my sword, so I choose to stay away for a season because I choose not to wallow in the mud like pigs do! I choose not to be like you!!

But do not think, you have kicked me out! I will return, with my sword at my side, I will return to the fold of hypocrites and liars who believe they are heaven bound!

I will return to watch as you, Sadducees and Pharisees burn from within…..

But as i watch (sigh) let your very breath destroy me so that i may live no longer in sufferance!!!

Ah well. to all, a good night!! Buenas noches! Gute Nacht! Bon soir!

Acquiescence

Before I die…..

Before my body begins to melt into the dust that it came,
my heart would have lost every ounce of life.

But I suppose, that is the definition of true love; being strong enough to have hurt slice through you like a fine blade and still one continues swimming in the gutter that is pregnant with dangerous and deadly substances.

Being so strong, that when your love opens their mouth and daggers begin to fling at every corner of your heart, you do not acknowledge the pain and remember that you do truly love…….

Being so strong, that when they beat upon your heart you can ignore the agony and listen to the music!

Allow them, to spit on you with filthy words and accept their filth with open arms.

Watch their two edged tongue pierce through you and see even your blood dripping with fear and remember that you are bleeding for love…..

Feel the pain…

Savour it!! Allow it to linger a while and remember that even though, even though there is no part of you that does not hurt, it is worth it…….

Worth it?? Yes, worth it!! Do not ask me why; It just is!!!

I think I am strong enough to bare love because what else is there to do?

Wither away in the valley of loneliness?

Get lost in the vast abyss of desperation?

No! I am strong enough to feel the agony of true love and begin to accept it as part of me!!

Thus, I choose to watch my heart as it is bludgeoned to death……In love, true love!!!

Ah well, have a pleasant evening!! गुड बाय! ಗುಡ್ ಬೈ! ഗുഡ് ബൈ! குட் பாய்! ! Arriverderci! Ja ne! Adios! Addii! Au revoir! Adieu! Bye!

Metamorphosis

I must have done something wrong in my childhood to grow up into this person! I must have told a lie or stolen some important secret! I must have done something wrong! Because why else would I hand my heart over to the devil, when I knew he’d molest it, rape it and destroy it!

I remember, one day at the age of eleven, I woke up and I was different! My eyes saw a different complexion, my hearing enhanced and my thoughts were brilliantly coloured! I found beauty in the oddest places and love in the most painful…..

That’s why I did not choose to fall in love with you but that’s why I did! What would be more painful than falling in love with a person you could never have?

Why does one jump into a fire head first unless they believe it is home?

The fire is familiar to me because I transformed my heart into the devil’s armour so long ago. Why not sit upon the throne of raging coal? Why not drink of the searing lava? Why not bathe in the piercing flames? Why not smell as the fire burns through me and transforms me? Why not love you?

The pain….. Sweet pain, causing even my core to tremble! (sigh) This is home!!!..

The purpose of fire is to refine, to purify! So soon I will be refined! Right?

But at the end…

When the flame has died away and my impurities disappear, who will I become? Whose will I be? What will I be without the pain that causes even silence to whimper??


Ah well, have a marvellous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Sundered

Holding hands and being silly! Kissing, you hated but with me, you said you were sharing your soul…

With each kiss, our minds, our bodies and our hearts combined…

Some days, I stand before my class, open my mouth and you leap out…. Certain things I would not do, I do now; because we had become one! A one in which we did not know how to begin and end without the other……

I shared my thoughts, my dreams and you shared yours and then, our dreams became entwined…. You never opened your mouth unless you said “we” or “us” and future plans were made automatically…….

Our entangled hearts were being lifted to the stars as we became us….. It was a beautiful transfiguration and believe it or not, it was my first….. Never had I been anybody but me until you….

I could not define myself without you and you could not without me…..

Blood of my blood….

Flesh of my flesh….

Bone of my bone......

Heart of my heart…..

You and I became us….

Then, a knife sliced through us and I lost me or you, I can not exactly differentiate! I became a lost fragment of some whole!

So I lay in the dark, bloody and confused!! Who am I?? Why am I feeling like part of me was ripped out??

I am healing but I am no longer whole….

Ah well, have a wonderful day! Adios! Adeus! Arriverderci! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!!

Dissolution

Are death and the desire for disappearance synonymous?? I do not believe in taking anyone’s life, not even my own but some days, I long to disappear! Simply vanish from all the hurt!

Does it sound selfish for me to say such a thing? My person is being suffocated with love and then suddenly being deprived of it…. My life is pregnant with hurt, then unimaginable agony…. My life is filled with laughter yet, empty and without form….

Some days, I imagine myself floating away on the waves of a vast ocean and simply feeling the wind caress my face and nature, speaking to me soothingly…. I think I’d like to feel the waves against my healing heart as I slowly travelled along (Perhaps even becoming one with the ocean)! As I travelled, my thoughts would cease to exist and my heart, numb (almost like a balloon floating with the winds; there is no particular direction and not one sudden thought or care in the world)

I do not want to die….

Or maybe I do! But I do not want to take my own life away! Nor do I want it taken away in a treacherous, bloody way! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if death were a vacation from hurt, painful thoughts and a dark soul? But come to think of it, it is…..

I love my friends and family and I need them in my life! But for a little while… Just a little while allow me to disappear from the pain, the sadness, the loud silence, the agonizing non-touches, the scalding non-kisses, the harsh quarrels, the meaningless I love yous and yet, the ones with too much meaning…..

Allow me to flow with the currents, upon the sea of forgetfulness! Lethe, I beg of you let me drink of you so that I may become thoughtless, painless, soul-less…. If only for a moment, grant me sweet forgetfulness and allow me to vanish from all…. Only for a season….

And after the vacation, after the peace, let life’s misery slap me like a lost ghost……

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Healing Heart

What is the word that describes an incident that has gone far beyond memory? Forgotten? No. Further than forgotten. In the past few days, I was able to patch up the pieces of my broken heart with band aids and bandages. You may have considered it, a state of false consciousness, but I was happy. (Sort of)

Throughout this week, my happiness, was to a point, genuine. Then, you asked me to forget a simple thing and I was hurt. I was hurt because to you, it was a simple request but to me, you had further diminished the meaning of our memory.

I chose to disentangle my heart with yours, no matter how agonising and no matter how many scars were visible. I take your words as you fling them, I take your attitude as you asphyxiate me with it! But now, you have the audacity to ask me to forget? When memory is all I have? You want me to forget, passed forgotten!!!! If I close my eyes and ask that one thing never exist then another will vanish until finally, no memory is left.

You asked me to forget so i responded, "Sure, why not forget it all!" and you dare get hurt because of my tone?? If you want me to forget one, why not forget all?? Why not forget the goodmorning kisses?? The sexy talk over the phone? why not forget it all?

But of course I can not. Not a small aspect of memory can be forgotten. Please do not ask me to forget, even passed the point of forgotten. My heart is slowly patching up - the bandages keep the pieces together. But i need the memories, ALL of them! So that I do not forget that inspite of everything, I am still me!

Ah well, have a marvelous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Illusive Heart

We have multitudes of conversations where you speak, and then I, then I cry and then you.... This gets old after a time! Especially since every deep conversation we have is like literally yanking teeth from your mouth.

So after last night, where you expressed yourself enough to say that you missed me and that you hate the fact that I blog about our private business, we closed the chapter on our bitter sweet love that was always expected to be temporary.

Last night was the ending to a very difficult book....

This morning, I awoke from my bed and my wretched broken heart was yanked from within and replaced with a mirage - an image of a painfree, well formed heart. I may have been in a state of euphoria but i refuse to face reality at this point because I am happy!! (sort of)

My heart that was yanked from me seem to be floating in the valley of obsoletism and I can not seem to care! The fact that my heart was yanked from me, has placed me in an absolute state of anesthesia. I hear you speaking to me with your distant, echoing tone, I respond as I move from cloud to cloud... unfeeling, oblivious to anything real! I am in a state of semi-consciousnesss!!

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Bloody Teardrops

I informed my friend that I was being hurt by certain acts that were being performed by them and my dear friend proceeded to inform me that, really, if I were hurt I would be crying by now, so clearly the hurt is null and void. I paraphrased, but that was the essence of the statement.

Am I supposed to believe when you say "I love you?" when your actions clearly state something totally opposite? I expected with the very long conversation we had sometime ago, you would understand when I am being selfless! You would understand the fact, that I care so much, that I'd prefer your health over spending actual time with you. I hope you'd understand me enough to know, that I need you to be hopelessly happy and it affects me, when you are affected. Do you not know how happy it makes me to talk to you? But then again, what is the point of telling you this?!

Today, my error was, I thought of your health and you thought I was brushing you off. My friend, you can not see the external tears, but my heart is overwhelmed with bloody tear drops. These tear drops have burned within me because each acidic drop feels like a two sided dagger rushing through my veins.

Do not think that my external tears has more meaning, than my internal ones. I wish my salty tears would fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks! I'd feel better. But since the pain comes from deep within, I have no choice but to tear up from within myself! Your words swiftly lash from your mouth and stab at my heart! You want to see the damage you've caused? Look inside me, do not wait for the tears.

Because inside, you will see a chopped up, bloody mess! The heart- my heart, is to the point of non-existence! So one day, I will become more than sad, my tear drops will end and I will become an unemotional, empty shell! Wait for it.... One last stab and I will be done away with....

Ah well, have a wonderful day! Adios! Adeus! Arriverderci! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!!

Flourishing Envy

I sit here, reminiscing about the stolen kisses, the holding hands and the laughing until our sides hurt. These times were exceptional! These days, I was almost certain you were mine! Days we used to spend together, "dates" we used to go on! Remember the restaurant by the beach? No, you would not! You do not dwell in the past!! But those were the days I could have almost admitted that you were mine.

But right now, sitting on the throne of cold reality, I can say that you were never mine! And though you were never really mine, I realized something about myself that made me stop and think...

Though your transition was an easy one, I saw you today, and my heart became a complexion it never had been when I was almost certain you were mine!

Yes, we agreed to change the dynamics of the relationship, and I am so glad that you are happy! But in the process I have totally lost my grasp on "it" - the thing we had that nobody else around had!!

I never expected to lose you and you may not even believe that you are lost to me! But my green heart growing from deep inside the pain I feel, portrays the fact that indeed, I have lost you... (If I have not lost you, I am so intensely threatened by everyone, that I will lose you!)

Yes, we do still laugh but you have pulled away almost everything that makes us, us (So what do I have to hold on to? A small dose of your conditional love?) [Ah those fights that used to make you seem so sexy] and this jealousy that has grown out of my humanity, is not who I am! So, from this moment, I give you up with the hope that at some point, you will notice that I am what you need! But then, if you never return, at least one day, my green heart will wither away and die!

Ah well, have a marvelous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Thoughtlessness

With my joints creaking and my shoulders drooping, I sit before my computer feeling that the very life was drained out of me! With my eight teaching periods today, perhaps I have a right to feel exhausted! But it is more than exhaustion! My body feels beaten, haggard - almost too old for the soul that lives within! But really, what is the soul? In the Bible, the soul is synonymous to the breath of life (In the Old Testament the Hebrew word for "soul" is nephesh. Nephesh means "a person," "breath," or "soul" or "life." ) but to human beings it means something totally different!

To most humans, the soul is a living aspect! I have heard such statements as "the body dies, but the soul lives on" So, i figured, why not look up the definition! This is what I found; Soul -
The animating and vital principle in humans, credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often conceived as an immaterial entity.
The spiritual nature of humans, regarded as immortal, separable from the body at death, and susceptible to happiness or misery in a future state.
The disembodied spirit of a dead human.
A human: "the homes of some nine hundred souls" (Garrison Keillor).
The central or integral part; the vital core: A person considered as the perfect embodiment of an intangible quality; A person's emotional or moral nature: A sense of ethnic pride among Black people and especially African Americans, expressed in areas such as language, social customs, religion, and music.
A strong, deeply felt emotion conveyed by a speaker, a performer, or an artist.

Wow, soul is really pregnant with meaning! But then if our soul is the emotional, the moral, the vital core and "the disembodied spirit of the dead" ???? Really???? Then what is the mind?
This is what i got for MIND -
The human consciousness that originates in the brain and is manifested especially in thought, perception, emotion, will, memory, and imagination.
The collective conscious and unconscious processes in a sentient organism that direct and influence mental and physical behavior.
The principle of intelligence; the spirit of consciousness regarded as an aspect of reality.
The faculty of thinking, reasoning, and applying knowledge: Follow your mind, not your heart.
A person of great mental ability

I remember reading somewhere that, the soul is the place where we feel pleasure.
The mind is the place where we calculate how to receive the pleasure. Would it not be easier for us, if we believed that the soul were indeed our breath? Then clearly, the mind would be where the thought processes, the moral aspects, the emotional and all of that occurred!!!

My confusion about the mind and soul began seconds after typing the first few lines!! I was about to state that my very soul felt exhaustion!! But then again (thinking with my mind, here) How could my breath be tired!! So in my effort to tell you how exhausted I am, I have bored you to a point of no return!! But really, my mind is rather drained!

Ah well, good bye! Ciao! Arriverderci! Adeu! Ja ne!

Iced Heart

My friend who was able to switch from Eros to Philia is now as cold as the Arctic! My friend believes that the friendship that was present before the Eros is still there! But I think that my friend is trying so hard with the Phillia love, that it has now become completely frigid.

A few minutes ago, my friend suggested "Malica, I am trying to be nice to you but you are being so difficult!" I informed my dear friend that if they had to "try" then please stop! My friend replied, "You are taking try in the wrong context!" So I decided, okay, perhaps I am taking the word in the wrong context so i decided to look it up; TRY - 1. To make an effort to do or accomplish (something); attempt: OR 2. To taste, sample, or otherwise test in order to determine strength, effect, worth, or desirability

Perhaps I should take it like this, you are determining whether I am still worth the effort, hence the use of try! Or, you think it rather tasking and difficult to be my friend- which was apparently so easy to do last week when you informed me that Eros flew out the window and Philia walked in and took its place! (No sweat)!!

So what other context is there?? Perhaps my friend did not have such an easy transition from Eros to Philia! Or, perhaps still, my friend finds it better to further transform from Phillia to Frigid love! But honestly, when I try being nice, that means that really I am not actually nice! But, perhaps I am taking this out of context! Maybe try has a different meaning! A meaning the dictionary I used, was not familiar with!!

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Heart wrenching Day

My friend describes birthdays as days that simply reminds a person that they are getting older and thus, birthdays should not be celebrated! I do not agree with that stance! In fact, I believe that birthdays are an accomplishment of sorts because it means you have lived through yet another year!

Oh well, it is my birthday today and I woke up trying already, not to be disappointed! Trying to swallow the feeling of doom that very well nearly choked me! So I woke up and I told myself "Malica, this day is not special, it means nothing! Do not make it mean more than just a usual day would mean to you!" With that in my head, I was fine! I recieved phone calls and text messages all throughout the morning and the conversations were sweet and compassionate! I got the usual Happy Birthday from my family and their tiny tokens of love and appreciation!

That's all good and well! But, it is simply just a day! A long, rainy, unkind day!BUT THEN, I got a very thoughtful gift from my bestfriend and I was indeed happy! My "usual day" theory flew out the window when my friend gave me what i said i wanted (according to her) a looooong time ago.But then, she had to leave to go to her class and I was left behind in the cold heat of the afternoon!

In that moment I thought of calls i did not recieve! Certain persons who would have called me as a ritual, did not! But, did that really matter to me? Certain people who loved me last year, did not love me this year! But did that really matter to me! And so, I allowed the doom to consume and my thoughts began, "This is a special day and I spent it at work!" Then, my head began to hurt as I realised that I would be coming home to nothing but the Television screen and my computer!

My heart began to feel empty or rather, unreal! Sort of like a plastic heart shaped symbol with a bow on top - a gift! But fake, nonetheless! I became sad and then angry! I became sad because I was unhappy about certain things that I dont know I want! In other words, I was sad for the sake of sadness! And then I became angry because I did not know why I was sad and I did not know what exactly I wanted to make the birthday "Happy!"

I was happy when i was with my bestfriend and we were laughing but then, she had to leave! And I became irritated by persons wishing me "Happy Birthday" and I became even more irritated by the fact that i was getting irritated on my birthday!

I sit here very unhappy! Ask me why though, I am not quite sure! Looking back, this happens every year! Give me a party, I will become sad because my space is being invaded! Give me gofts! I will be disappointed that I did not get what i wanted! What did i want? I am never certain!!

Maybe for a birthday, someone can give me real, beating heart gift wrapped! Perhaps this will provide the happiness I so desire on my birthday! I think, birthdays are a celebration of life, why cant I do that? Celebrate my life???

One day, I hope my heart will become real and truly happy on the day I am supposed to celebrate my life!! Ah well, bye bye!! Adios! Arriverderci!!

Severed Heart

Since our redefinition of friendship (which was actually three weeks ago), my friend informed me that I was loved differently. Apparently since the relationship was redefined, so was the love! This is how it goes, “Before, I had Eros love for you which meant that it was my desire to bed you, but since the change, you are like my sister, so I now have Phillia love for you” and it continued, “Yes Malica, there are different stages of love and I could not be just your friend, if I did not change the way I loved you!” And there is still more “Malica, we can not keep up the same attitudes and behaviours we had in the previous relationship especially since this one is different!”

Now you may not be stunned but I was! In three weeks, love can change so much so that it becomes the brotherly/sisterly kind! I need that kind of power because there is one specific person, I wish I could switch from Phillia to Eros! But how do I do it?? Perhaps it is because I am not as robotic in thinking and feeling as my friend is! In the same breath, the friend continued “I can switch people off, erase them even, but with you, it hurts when I even try!” I am just making a note here dear, but if it were easy enough for you to erase Eros and then replace it with Phillia, why can’t you just erase Phillia as you erased Eros?? :-)

Never is ANYTHING too difficult for you!! You can do it all!! I wish I were so able to erase people! I would erase the many people who consistently hurt me! I would erase my life as it is now!! I would erase certain things in the past that i’d like to forget!

The thing about you is this, that you never really had A relationship if you had two and it was easy to throw away the one that came in second because the first mattered more. But though the first mattered more, you needed the second to keep you sane in brother/sisterly love!

What other choice is there?? I will be your sister and your greatest friend and when I am hungry enough, I will find someone who would not mind me being their “only!”

All rightie then, I must bid you good night! Bonsoir! Buenas Noches! Gute Nacht! J

Drowning in the Mist

What do you do when everything in your life becomes hazy? Thoughts about the future seem so far away and the life you lead four years ago, seem not to be in existence! How do you get back to the real, sharp picture?? At this point, I think my life has been too comfortable! So much so that what i hoped to achieve four years ago, has been lost in a fog! I have lost sight of the person I was so many years ago and it is near impossible to recognize me through all the mist! I may have lost myself... How is one able to find herself or rather shape herself when she is so concerned with the welfare of the persons she has to shape??Can one really shape anything when she is, herself, shapeless?? When does one have time for her own identity, when she is helping others find their own? The free time one would have, she sits and ponders... How do I make this more captivating? How do I make them understand?? In all of this, I am slowly fading...

Or perhaps, I was always this picture fading in the background. Perhaps, it is my destiny to drown in the mist and whilst drowning, give others my breath so they will lead longer, better, more productive lives. But is that really what I want for myself?? I have always been an expressive body... how can I negate that and just fade away??

Or perhaps my fading is a sign that i should take sharper pictures. That i must be concerned with who i am becoming or rather, not becoming! That i must shape my life and my future! That I must not allow things to slowly fade away until finally they do not exist for me!! So, from today, I will attempt to remember that I am going somewhere other than in circles! I am going to remind myself that I am worthy of a future! I will not forgot that I am worth more than disappearing- My personality is worth taking note of!

So, though it maybe rather difficult for me to resurrect from the fog. i am going to make an effort because I am worth knowing! I deserve a fulfilling life- not because I am better than you but because, why not????? Why is it pertinent for any soul or spirit to wither away.. To die away?? There is so much in life to enjoy, so I advise all of you to take a big bite out of life and enjoy! Do not feel unworthy! Do not feel insignificant because your insecurities suggest that you could be outshone. You have your own light, so shine and do not allow the mist to consume you!!!!!

All rightie then!!!! Arriverderci! Adieu! Ciao! Chao!! Adios! Sayonara!! Ja ne!! Bye Bye :-)

The Moment of Breathlessness...

Today, I have been thinking of death - the immediate moments or moment before ones final breath. I really do not believe in the white light mambo jumbo. That is a fairy tale that was used to appease little children when parents could not honestly say that death meant complete and utter unconsciousness in which the person knows nothing, hears nothing, sees nothing, feels nothing.... The description of death is sort of like the description of Santa Claus - they are both fabrications! If one studies the bible, it will be clear what death is!

But i digress. I have been thinking about someone's immediate moment before they are finally gone from the earth! I wish someone could tell me about it. A drowning person is slowly dying because every breath that she takes, her lungs are filled with water. What does she think of as she has very little oxygen and the water, rushing down her lungs burns like acid! What does she think of when her eyes want to pop out because they burn so much? Does she suddenly get to a point where she can not feel anything? Or does this acidic burn persist until finally...

How about somebody who is burning in a fire. As each flame stabs him, what does he think? Does the unbearable pain drive him to insanity and then finally, death?? Or does he feel it each time the fire pierces and burns his flesh? Does he smell the burnt flesh? What does he think? Is he thinking?? Now that his skin and flesh has melted in the fire, does his life flash before him? Or is he in too much agony? Does he beg for death?? Does he feel or think, before he dies...

How about someone who was stabbed or shot? What does he feel as the blood slowly sips out of him and he becomes weaker and weaker? What does he think? Are his thoughts muddled up seeing that he is losing his source of power?? Does he go into some sort of a trance? Does the temperature change for him? Does he suddenly feel fine and then...nothing????

How about an unexpecting pedestrian? When the car or truck hits you and then covers you, would you hear your bones crush before you actually feel it?? Would you smell exhaust before you knew what had happened? Would you be in a state of discomfiture?? Would you feel numb and would you immediately die?? Or would you feel the the pain, slowly, very slowly dissipating and then, death?? Or would the pain become more and more painful, and Then, death???

How about if you fell from a great height? How about if you comitted suicide, would the feeling be the same?? How about if you got a stroke? You died in your sleep?? How about....???

Yes, they are all death and all would involve breath slipping away from the person but how slowly or how quickly does breath no longer exist for them?? And in that space of time, what exactly happens?? JHow is it for them?? Ah well, just wonderring!! That happens sometimes :-)

Have an excellent evening and think!!!!!!!! గూడ్నిఘ్ట్! ஸ்வீட் ட்றேஅம்ஸ்! സ്റ്റഡി ടോ ഷോ ത്യ്സേല്ഫ് അപ്പ്രോവേദ് ഉണ്ടോ ഗോഡ്!! ಪ್ರಿ ವಿತ್ಹೌತ್ ಸೆಅಸಿಂಗ್!! गोद इस विक्तोरिऔस!! Good night to all!!

Enflamed Heart

Today, a friend of mine informed me that they had no ability to care for or love anything, in fact, the heart within had sort of dried up being deemed, null and void! Oh what a thing to say to someone who has given so much!! What a thing to say!! This statement today, brought me back sometime ago when this same person said "I love you less" and "I have no more love left to give you" All of this said, the individual still convinced me that all of those things were said in the heat of the moment and therefore should not be made note of.

From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh - This is absolute truth! I mean, it came from the Bible, what else could it be??? My friend speaks of situations where they are in a relationship that would be considered hurtful and yet, they seem not to deserve anything but what is being dealt! My friend calls it Karma but I call it B.S. It is my decision to remain with you whether or not I feel hurt and deprived!

Today, when you said your heart had been literally burnt out, I felt it before you actually said it so I believe you! I believe that you like your situation! You are not a coward as I previously statered! But there is nothing I can do for someone who does not want to be happy!

You broke my heart several times with your words and do you think today, just because we aren't together, I am not still hutrt?? Of course I am! The problem with me is that I gave you too much of me! Which is why it is so easy for you to step over me and feel I could take it!!

Today, I told you that I wouldnt mind if you'd die - not because i feel hatred within me or even dislike! I wish both you and your partner death, so that you will stop hurting! That you will stop tearing up at my harmless words! I wish you death, so that you'd be away from me, the person you continuously love less and together with, your partner (the one you'd never leave! NOT EVER!!!)

I do not know whether I am being coherent or even clear! But I need you to know, that I wish I could love you less!! I wish I could feel less for you!! I wish I really wanted you dead! I wish I could hurt you and forget you!! Because it is so easy for you to love me less!! Forget me!! I wish my humanity werent so faulty!!!

So dear friend, you continue loving me less until the fire has enflamed your heart and leaves the ashes behind! I will love you still because I do not know any better!! Enjoy your life! Enjoy the future that you will have without me!! Enjoy life while I go on loving you because really????? What else is there???????

Ah well, Good night good night!!!! Buenas noches!!! Buena noche!! Bon Nuit!! Gute Nacht!!!!!!

Broken

How would you feel if someone entered your house without your permissioon and began taking things? The person, perhaps, has come to the conclusion, that everything you own is theirs. Now this aspect would not have affected me because these are simply material things that could be easily replaced or even forgotten. But the thing that sticks with me, is the fact that somebody, some uninvited person was in my personal space, touching and sifting through my personal things. Were their hands clean or not? One can not tell. But when one finds dirt on their sheets, the individual feels broken and even a stab of pain!

The concept of personal space is vital and so when one can not get the image of someone touching their personal things out of the head, they change the sheets and try to fall asleep and the image of the footprint on the previous sheets is still lodged in memory, so you change the sheets that were changed minutes ago and you feel uncomfortable because you can not tell exactly what has been violated but you know many things were including you.

Then, you try to sleep, but then, there is this image or this sudden sound that makes you check under your bed, just in case and it makes you check if the the stuff you bought last week, if they are still there. You look around your space and it is not so personal anymore. It looks like a bus station or a store where people can walk in and out without a care.

You change your sheets again because your skin has not stopped itching though you know in your mind there is nothing, I suppose the fear takes hold. You ask that the beautiful flower tree next to your space be cut down so you can be given even less privacy but you are afraid that your visitor may not care that you are inside the next time. You look for clothes to wear, but on second thought, let the space, the used to be private space, let it be cleaned again and the sheets, changed just one more time?? And then there is a desire, a strong desire to leave the place where you felt comfort but then another desire to keep it protected. So you keep your windows closed just in case and the doors locked. And every once in a while you check to make sure that the windows are really shut. You feel a presence in your space and you are more jumpy than usual. I am not angry or upset that things were taken away....Not at all!! I am just deeply troubled by the invasion itself! Invasion of space! Of privacy! How would you feel if someone walked into your house and began picking up things you consider dear?? How would you feel if someone rifled through your drawers?? How would you feel, if one day you came from work and there was a foot print on your bed, your window was mangled and some of your things were missing?? How would you feel if your space were invaded???

Ah Well, i wish you a very good night and the beautifully blue picture above would be Jalousie- enjoying some beach time during summer.... :-) Adieu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Have you ever sat and wondered about your future?? I am certain many of you have, but have you ever wondered and then felt complete and utter fright? I felt like that some time ago when I was trying to figure out with some difficulty, how my life will actually turn out. Will i be a teacher my whole life?? I do love my students and I do want to do my best with them, encourage them as much as possible, listen to them and so on, but for the rest of my life?? Though teaching, specifically in Dennery is a hard task, that was not what that frightened me. It was the concept of being alone for the rest of my life. My idea of family is not really properly defined. I do not limit my vision, to the nuclear aspect of family. When I think of family, i think of my cousins, my aunts, uncles and so on, and i feel warmth in my heart because I know, though there are many of them, they each hold a special place in my heart.

However, I do not expect persons and situations to remain the same. Though, it is within my nature for me to abhor change, i know that remaining stagnant will not allow growth of any form. I know that my bestfriend will one day, disappear from my life, I know that family members who are still around will move on to new pastures, I know that my parents won't be there forever, I know the friends I have will move on... I know all of these things because it is not a matter of what we want, it is a matter of life happening whether we want it to or not!

Somedays, I really hate the fact that life "happens" because it is so easy to get comfortable in our situation and take certain things for granted.... It is very easy. I try my best not to take things for granted because of the fact that life can "happen" so quickly.

I want to be ready for life but I know, it is not that easy so i want to be strong enough to understand that people change and life changes as well. I have to admit that I am an individual who is not yet where she wants to be. I am an individual who gets scared when things happen, whether they are good or bad. I am an individual who would rather go back to the past and never really grow up. I am an individual who ia not yet really Me because of the fact that i have too many persons inside. I am an individual who does not know where to begin or where to end and who wishes there was no begining and never any end. I am too serious yet not serious enough. I feel that i have not lived enough but perhaps I do not deserve to live at all. I feel old and decrepit rather than young and vivacious. I feel exhausted because life happening takes away so much. I am so afraid of looking forward because that would mean more of life happening, more of change, more people leaving and new people coming in!! The process is painful and i abhor it!! I abhor the whole definition of future because the future simply means more change, more growth within and more growing up!

:-) I will indeed bid you adieu! Arriverderci! Ja ne! Sayonara! கூட்ப்யே! గూడ్బ్యే! ഗൂട്ബ്യെ! ಗೂದ್ಬ್ಯೆ! गूद्ब्ये!

Jesus is Victor!!!!!!

After working extremely hard during the week, I am happy when Friday eve finally approaches, because then, I have to stop all worldly tasks and approach the throne of God. There, i have to thank Him for protecting me throughout the week, thank Him for health, breath of life and welcome His wonderful sabbath day of rest.

Today, I was thinking as I normally do and I realized that we are getting very close to the end of times. The times where all sorts of horrible things will be occurring and yes it is true that we must occupy our time on earth while waiting for the second coming of God. But we must occcupy it in a fashion that God would approve of. I believe that is why he gives us the Bible, as a sort of moral guide so that we know what we ought to do and what we ought not to do. He guides us with the ten commandments informing us that we should not steal, kill, commit adultery, use His name in vain, covet our neighbours things or anything for that matter, remember the sabbath to keep it holy, love each other, honour our parents and so on. Then in Leviticus chapters 18, 19, 20, he informs us that incest, beastiality and homosexuality are not approved by Him.

It is amazing to note how magnificent our Father in Heaven is! He has given us a guide and basically tells us what to eat and what not to eat, how to act and how not to act and if we follow those guidelines from Him, we will end up in the "place that He has gone to prepare for us" (John 14:1-4). But the difficult thing is that Satan, each day is trying to destroy us and so we must be very aware of Him and his lies because he is sly enough to make us justify certain sins and then even begin to believe that they are right!! It is necessary therefore, that we spend time with God daily- reading His word and praying to Him so that we could remain grounded in the faith that so often wavers with a shove from the devil!

The Old Testament and The New go hand in hand! We need one to explain the other and I am amazed at how wonderful God is. I was very much confused a while back when I read Leviticus and it informed us, God's people, that we must eat certain foods and not eat others and then I read in Acts that Peter was given a vision that suggested in Acts 10:1-14 that Peter should kill and eat the fowls and so on that were previously considered unclean in the Old Testament. But there is something you should know, God is not a God of contradictions and if we read further, we will notice that it was a parable. Peter was comissioned by Jesus to preach the gospel to the Jews but in that vision God had basically explained to him, that now, he had to go further- he should not discriminate, preach to the Gentiles as well , the Samaritans and so on and if we read on, we will notice the story of Cornelius who was indeed a gentile.

It is absolutely wonderful to know that God gives second chances. He is a forgiving, merciful God and no matter how many times we falter he will pick us up if we only humbly bow to his feet. Even on the cross, Jesus Christ felt compassion for His murderers. He said simply but passionatlely "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" God commissions all of us to Go ye therefore into all the world and preach the gospel. Tell all of His goodness, His compassion, His death, His resurrection, the Three Angels message in Revelation and the fact that He will be coming a second time. And when He will appear, the trumpet shall sound and the dead in Christ shall rise first and we shall be caught up to meet Him in the air. Make sure, you die in Christ or you live for Him because if not, if we are not with Him, we shall be burned with an eternal fire!!!!!

Do not allow anything to separate you from the love of God because to be tucked away under His wings and to be protected by Him is indeed praiseworthy. I beg of you, accept Him into your hearts. He is wonderful, merciful , loving, patient and when you fall in love with God, there is nothing, absolutely nothing better than that. And even then, do not be afraid to tell of His love, His goodness and His greatness!! Witness for him, tell others about Him because he has asked us to do so.

Well then, God Bless you and keep you until we meet again!!!!! Arriverderci!!!!

BFF- Mine, not yours!!!!! LOL

How utterly sweet it is when in adulthood, you can consider someone your bestfriend. It is rather difficult for adults to make really really good friends because they are so concerned with gossip and backbiting - not necessarily because they hate the person but its all they know. I have observed many persons, at work and at home and you can see from their expressions that they are genuine but then, the bug of gossip bites them and they go about making stories more colourful or simply just making them up! And oh how it hurts when you realize that somebody you placed your trust in, lied about you or exposed you- one feels naked and dirty and I know of it, firsthand.

I do not want to wrap my mind around the fact that humans, specifically women, are simply devious. Why would I say, you are my friend and seconds later, talk about you behind your back?? What I have realised is that some persons simply are not meant to have friends! Since I, being kindhearted cannot understand persons and why they would want to talk about each other, i choose to continue being the gossipers friend even though, I know for a fact that I have been the heroine in one of their stories.

In saying all of this, I would actually like to introduce you to my bestfriend. With Myia and Brad being gone and The Litles not being as accessible as they used to, I met Ms S. Shanette Monrose in 2006 and we both feel like we have known each other for our entire lives. I find her to be ridiculously intelligent and I enjoy having conversations with her, whether it be about English Literature, exercise, eating right, the Bible and whatever else that comes to mind. I am very comfortable with her and she listens to all my odd thoughts. We quarrel quite often but never with malice always with love.

Its sort of fun to talk to someone after a hard day of working. It is relaxing for us to do nice things for each other, to advise each other when we are doing something wrong and it is funny to develop certain code names for people and act juvenile for a while. Some persons may consider her rude and unapproachable, but really she is one of the nicest people around, she just does not find it necessary to have too many friends who in the end betray you. I understand that view point completely, which is why I felt more comfort in befriending my family members rather than anybody else but I am very thankful to have met her. I have never had such a bumpy, yet fun friendship as this. It is sort of like going on a crazy ride at Coney Island; there are all sorts of emotions mixed up but it is still fun!!

My friend is super cool! She is witty, wise, kind, funny, intellligent and so similar to me -which is why we quarrel so much. Persons even say we resemble each other and in a primitive minded place as Dennery, they consider us lesbians as they consider two females can not be this close. But I refuse to allow small minded people to ruin such a good friendship! So, allow the friendless to continue gossiping while i continue talking to MY FRIEND about whatever is bugging me and while she continues doing the same. I have made a bestfriend but you adults who prefer talking about others, your loneliness will soon be unbearable!!!

Oh well, arriverderci!!! Sayanora!!! Chao!!! Ja ne!!! Addio!!! Adios!!! Auf wiederstehn!!!! Bye!!!!

Journey On!!!!!!!!!

At times, i sit and think about our journeys in life; what exactly are we destined for? And we are all individuals, we must each have our own journey, our own destiny! But when do we begin this journey and how do we know it's ended? Is it through death that we know certainly our journey has ended? Or perhaps it has just began! Perhaps as we slumber in death's embrace, our journey is being mapped out! Some people look back on their lives and they note that they have done nothing of substance, nothing to promote change...... Do we all have to be an Obama or a Clinton for us to feel that yes indeed, we are doing something?!

I really do not want to look back on life and say that i regret doing or not doing! I want to look back and be proud! Do some of us actually realize our journeys and wonder the significance? I sometimes wonder about the point of this life at all! Every human being basically mimics each other and there is nothing original or out of this world! Women give birth! Yes, but is that new? Women have been doing that for centuries!! I am sure if there was an individual looking at us on a very large screen, he'd probably destroy the screen, for fear of seeing one more human being make the same mistakes and do the same things over and over and over! The lazy people with no ambition, sleep, eat, party and watch tele and probably live with their parents!! Is that a journey? A destiny? A mother is raising her children and staying at home to pack lunches and so on. Is that what she signed off on? Is that a journey? Those who work their bums off, only to die and live millions for family members to fight over, was that their journey?? Some of our journeys look rather pointless and others seem so spectacular! Barack Obama, whether he wins or not, what a journey- to pave the way for blacks alike and Hilary Clinton, did the same for women!! I want to digress a bit simply to state, Sarah Palin???? Just because she is wearing a skirt, women will vote for her?? Come on McCain!!!!! :-) Ah well, we each have our journeys and I supppose, no matter how pointless they appear, travel on because you may change a life whether its in a HUGE way or a small fashion!

Journey

Blood sips from my pores
Fire burns through my muscle
As I muster courage to take another step.
My eyes are sore;
The sun has dried off my tear ducts.
My lips feel like sand paper
And as I pass my tongue over them,
A charred piece of skin cuts my tongue
And I suck the blood thirstily.

I take another step
And I can hear my limps crack as I pull myself forward.
My body has become bones meshing against skin-
Soon the bones will pierce through.
I whimper as the fiery ray of the sun stabs through my film of skin.
And as I continue my journey,
I see the festering sores upon my feet dripping with tears
As they long to rest, but they know they must go forward.

Carefully, I hold a crumpled piece of paper in my gaunt fingers.
I feebly take in a breath and the air rushes into me;
Grating and scraping against my tattered lungs.
I must continue my journey,
Though, I have not seen water for days.
The journey must be continued.

As I walk,
Like a withered plant,
I see this creature stare at me. I can not tell what it is
Because my eyes are no longer good for seeing.
But I am ashamed,
Because I had not been expecting company
And I know- this stench
The stench of rotten eggs that have been following me for miles now,
Must be me.
So I am embarrassed.
I bow my head and slowly leave the creature behind.

My journey must continue.
Though I yearn for water, I can not tarry
Because time would be wasted
And we cannot have that.
So I continue my walk,
With me clutching my crumpled piece of paper.
I walk,
Though each step is more agonising than the first,
I walk.

As I get closer to my destination,
I feel alive again.
The sores upon my feet, seem,
Not too painful anymore
And as my tongue passes over my coarse lips,
I drink with passion.
My feeble body becomes stronger and I move faster,
Until finally,
Finally, I am there.

I get there,
But I am shaken
I don’t recall why I journeyed so long
And why I needed to be here.
I look around me, losing my sense of victory.
I become in a state of intellectual discomfiture,
As I wonder, why I came here
What force brought me here?
I stare at the crumpled piece of paper and let it fall to the ground.
I have journeyed for days,
But for what reason?
I can not seem to remember…
So I face homeward,
And begin my journey,
My long journey, back to where I came.


Sometimes we journey only to find that the journey was useless or it did not matter!! It baffles me when i realise that we each are on a journey that we know not of and we don't know exactly what we'll find at the end!! What is my journey?? Am I half way through? Or have i even started yet??? Ah well, Journey on my dears, as either way you can not do a bloody thing about the journey you're on!!!

All right then, I am tired!! I had classes all day and i need to place my head on a warm pillow and then, tomorrow, continue my journey whatever it may be!! Ja ne!! Addio!! Bon soir!!! Arriverderci!!

LOVERZZZZ

I am truly exhausted!! School reopened yesterday and I have not gotten off my feet since; my feet hurt like hell, my thighs, my throat, my soul everything is just really exhausted on me right now! So I am sitting here, very lethargic thinking of nothing in particular but love! A blogger friend of mine, asks what's love and why does it fade away?? I am inclined to respond to that blog because it was sort of a letter to me. My dear, I do not think love should be about knees being weak and wanting to bed the person alone. Yes, you should have that, probably the bedding more than the knees thing but, I think love has more to do with a person's need to want to spend their life with another, missing that person, wanting to tell that person the biggest thing or the smallest thing that occurred for the day, trusting this person with all you are and a strong desire to work at your relationship because, what else is there if this person is not in your life??

And my Dear, I don't necessarily believe that love fades away. I believe you may simply lose the desire to work at it or you have simply grown apart but the love is still there. Unless it was a case of "rebound" love or simple infatuation which could actually grow into love! Abusive relationships could beget hate but I do not see love as just fading. Perhaps the desire , "to bed" (as you put it) has diminished but love? fading?!

Your statements about Junior and Maribelle peaked my attention
BUT
I suppose if you want to bed one and miss the other when he leaves, then you don't love either! Or perhaps you are being greedy!!! I mean is it really possible to love two people at the same time!!! It is already so difficult working to keep one relationship afloat, how do you work two?? Why don't you sit and really think for awhile, and then, send Lover 1 or Lover 2 packing!!! Or are you too much of a......... lol

Then again, you want to have your cake and eat it too don't you??? Have fun then sugar :-)

Now dear readers i will have to bid you a good night! Buenas noches!!!! Gute Nacht!!! गुड निघत!!!! ಗುಡ್ ನಿಘ್ತ್!!!! ഗുഡ് നൈറ്റ്!!! குட் நைட்!!! గుడ్ నిఘ్త్!!! :-),

Ummmm......Addiction??

So seriously, I was never one to be so into a television show until, I saw the very first Grey's episode and I have to admit it, I am addicted but I will surely not get rid of that addiction!!! :-) Yes I miss Dr Burke and Dr Addison F-Montgomery but I love the new Dr Hahn and I absolutely cannot wait for the September 25th premiere!!!! Do you know, I blow off friends for this show??? Thats addiction, right???? Ah well, I will stand up proud and shout "I am addicted to Grey's Anatomy!!!!!!" I LOVE IT!!!! Whoever's watching, I am sure it is impossible for you to stop and whoever's not watching, you're missing alot!!!

Yes I like Desperate Housewives and Smallville but I AM IN LOVE WITH GREYS!!!!!!!! Maybe i should do a Grey's blog!! He he!!!!

Later people and watch the 2 hour primiere on ABC on Thursday September 25th, 2008!!!

Arrivederci!!!!!!

What does it mean to be a woman??

So I am sitting here wondering what exactly it means to be a natural woman. Aretha and co. sing and suggest that "you make me feel like a natural woman" but what does that really mean?? Does this mean that a female has to go through certain intitiations before she can be considered a woman? Does she have to marry and bare children? Only then, would you consider her a natural woman? Should she be able to cook, clean and be a perfect housewife? Is it a feeling that another individual imparts? Does she have to have sex first? What intitiations make a woman feel like a natural one? And would that mean that the childless lady is not the epitome of "natural womanliness"? Does that mean that the 30 something young lady who decides not to have sex until she is married, is she not a natural woman? Must a lady fall in love and be broken?? Should a lady follow certain laws of society for her to become a woman? The lady who decides to study, get a degree and get a beneficial career, is she not a natural woman?? What exactly does this term mean?

I heard an aged lady tell a 35 year old that unless she has lived as a woman, she would not be able to understand certain things. Huh?? That's like Ronald Reagan's "What would this country be, without this wonderful land of ours?" huh??? What age does a female graduate into this "natural womanliness"? So does that mean that some females, are not yet women? Natural women? Then perhaps i will never graduate into natural womanliness since I don't see marriage as a possibilty or bearing children as another. If these are the criteria for graduation, I will continuously fail.

But, if it is as Aretha sings and it is a feeling, when will I know that I am a natural woman?? Do i wake up and feel different??? How will I know?? Most of the women singing appear to have past the period of menstruation and I read somewhere that a girl becomes a woman after menstruation or is it after menopause??? :-) I hope someone will be generous enough to inform me, that indeed, now Malica, you are a natural woman!!! Ah well, sing on, the song is truly lovely and it may mean something different to us all. I remember Murphy Brown singing that song when she had just given birth, so perhaps its that for mothers! I heard another sing it after marriage, perhaps it is that for wives! I heard a young lady singing it, after she'd fallen in love. So perhaps its that for young lovers. I wonder, when will I sing it? Not on my wedding day!! What man is worth it? :-) Not on the day i give birth!!! What child is worth the pain??? :-) Seriously!!!!

All right now guys, I will bid you Adieu! Sayonara! Arriverderci!! Adios! Addio!!

Today's Health for tomorrow's children!

Exercising is important! Everybody knows this but it is the doing that's difficult; the getting up on a morning and going to take a run or a walk. We can find ourselves doing everything other than exercise and I do understand that but we all need to develop a strong state of mind and put exercising as part of our routine. With so much technology, we have become a very lazy society and because of that, our youth are slowly dying of obesity, heart disease, stroke and so on. We put so much filth within us and then sit around and relax! That is not a healthy attitude and we should learn to develop a healthy demeanour for our sakes and for the children who are coming into this world. These children can not move from the couch to the tele, they do not have to play sports anymore when they can sit and play video games for the entire day and "pig out" on junk food. A dictionary defines "Junk" as discarded material. Thus, it is clear to me that you are placing things that deserve to be in a trash can in your beautiful temple of God.

I understand, that it is difficult sometimes to put exercise into our schedules but it is not difficult to stop eating junk or rather, trash food. Some of the diet foods we consider as healthy, they are really not. All those sugarless or sugarfree foods and so on. I want you to do me a favour and google aspartame. After you've read the disadvantages of it, see how many of you have been consuming this filth. Better yet, check out this site http://www.aspartame.com/ Then check out those sodas that you consume daily. Why would we want to deliberately destroy ourselves by consuming unhealthy products?

I am not going to tell you the kinds of exercises to do or what type of diet is best for you. But I need to advise you that eating right and exercise is pivotal for every human being, no matter what race, sex or level of intelligence. Don't mind me, i do falter in the exercise department sometimes but it is necessary and at some points it may even become addictive. Exercise and eat right so we can live longer. The reason, we're dying so young, is because we are eating all sorts of trash. Note, the first people on this earth were vegetarians and note as well, that persons were dying so very old in Bible times. Look at Methuselah, Abraham, Jacob, Sara and so on. I think that our horrible diet is causing cancer, impotence and all of these negative health defects. How about taking just eight minutes? Or twelve to just do a few exercises? And what is the problem with eating a lot more vegatables and fruit?? What? It's going to kill you?? I highly doubt it. Your present diet is what's presently killing you. Stop consuming junk and take care of yourselves. The bible states that we should love our neighbours as ourselves. So in love, i say to you, take care of the temple that God entrusted you with.

Have a swell evening everybody and if I still have the breath of life within me, we shall speak some other time!!!! Buenas Noches y buena suerte en tus las vidas!! Adios! Addio! Adieu! Arriverderci! Bye!!!!!

I love you right?????

How wonderful and ridiculously easy it would be if we were given manuals to live our lives. Humanity would be rather predictable but more functional and isnt that what we all want? Functionality within each society? But the business of free will just screwed us over :-) If I had a manual to live my life, i am certain the errors I have made and will soon be making would not exist. And even if i did make errors, they would be rather minimal because i have this thing that basically instructs me as to what i should do, say and feel. But seeing that none of us actually possess this manual, we have to go through a whole lot of BS that "enables us to grow as human beings" :-)

I would do so much better with this manual, because at this point, i am simply groping in the dark and going round and round in circles. The reason for my lack of enthusiasm about free will is the fact that we are "free" to do so much but not really! Or is that just me? A friend of mine has been telling me from the moment she got to know me that I think too much. I think about the pros and cons and weigh my options before i make a decision. Never, do i want to regret things and I suppose that is also holding me back from doing many things. It would simply be easier for me, if not for any other, that i own a manual instructing me on the decisions of my life.

I hate messing up, i hate disappointing myself more than anything and i hate hurting those i care about. My friend believes i think too much but i believe we do not think enough. If we take the time to think perhaps the manual that i am praying for will become obsolete. How easy it is, for some of us to sit on our high horse and judge others when we know our secrets and our errors are well hidden.

It makes me sad that we take such little time to think; to think about how we will impact others and how we react to certain situations. I often think about silly things but most of the time, I think seriously. My life is not more difficult than anybody else's but its like bitter gall sipping through me, knowing that if somebody else were me, they would be better at being me- they would make better decisions and they would lead a life free from deliberate pain. I read something that caused me to think further, "nobody can be you better than you" I thought about this statement and I saw the error in it because if someone else were me, their life would not be so purposely entangled and incomprehensible. So perhaps, this statement is telling me that nobody can do incomprehensible and entangled like me. But really, i'd prefer structure, functionality. I would prefer everything to be placed in certain schemas- I'd much rather be instructed.

Now i know it can be argued that the Bible is a manual that instructs our actions, thoughts and so on but the Bible tells us to love all, as we'd love ourselves. But then again, we have to love rightly!!! Did the Bible say, love your brethren a yourself rightly???? What is right love?? Just a question to think about :-)

I wish you all a very pleasant good night!! Buenas Noches! Gute Nacht! Bon soir! :-) Arriverderci! Ja ne!!

Bleeding in Love

Sitting upon the comfortable carpet of sandy rocks in Canelle, while sifting the coarse sand between my fingers, i decided to look into the very depth of who I am. While searching within myself, i felt the wind pound against me punishingly. With such a harsh response from the once sensual wind which used to bury me with sweet, salty kisses, I found tears streaming down my face. In my beautiful Saint Lucia, sitting amongst what appears to be jaggered rocks behind my blanket of tears, I came to the realisation that no matter how hard one tries as a human being, they may still falter continuously. A while back, i was called mean and even cruel. I thought that to be, highly unlikely with my loving and rather kind disposition. But sitting here, feeling the deadly blows of the wind and searching my spirit, I may have to admit that I do have a rather mean sense of humour. Not purposely hurting the ones i care about but repeatedly doing so with my wit and my sardonic nature.

I am now realising the severe error in my ways and because of this, I am sitting here being battered by a once gentle wind. I was told once that it is easy for a man to transform from man to beast and easily hurt the ones he claims to love with such passion.

Humanity in itself is rather complicated and I suppose all we can really do is try our best to be the best possible people but we can not do it alone. As i am sitted here, i am reminded of Peter, Jesus' disciple who beat his chest and stated that He would Never betray the Son of God when Jesus bluntly stated that he would. Though he may have meant it at the time, when Jesus was captured and beaten, before the cock crew twice, Peter denied Jesus thrice. This tiny reminder is to simply indicate the fact that it is impossible to do things on our own or rather, of our own strength. But the good news comes, when Peter realises his error and asks for forgivenness. In this regard, I apologize for being the mean cuss that I am. And in truth, it was all based on jest but even then, you do not appreciate it, So with my cheeks bathed with salty tears and with the wind tearing at my very core, i apologize only because i love you more than you can ever imagine. :-)

All right my dears, we shall chat at some other point but it is necessary that i bid you adieu! Chao!! Sayanora!!

Rocky Throne

Standing at the tip of this cliff taking in the beautiful Anse Ger sea, a person has many thoughts. One may consider how it would feel to fly off this stone throne and land in the majestic water. Another stands atop this cliff and decides to capture such landscape with a paint brush and yet another, may consider mincing up words to describe the beauty of the environs in perfect poetry. Another still, may consider kneeling right there and thanking God for such majesty, yet another may see this as being pregnant with possibilities. Ah such beauty can always present thoughts and feelings within each of us but since we are all different, we have different perceptions. We each hold dear within us, the meaning of such loveliness. Our perception usually is distorted or encouraged by what we are going through in our lives. In my depressive state, I could see this peaceful landscape as an escape, a place to find solace. In a pleasant state, I may sit upon that rocky throne and pour out poetry from the depths of who I am. Ah yes, each of us can do something different with such a portrait because of our difference of thought and experience. This lovely place is right here in my beautiful island, Saint Lucia.

I feel the need to talk about the beautiful things around because wth such busy schedules we never take the time to admire any aspect of nature or even take in the fresh air. I read somewhere that Satan tries to consume our minds with all sorts of filth so that we are always occupied with some worldly task. We need to learn to take a break once in a while and take in the beauty of God's creation, pray in the midst of it and listen to him speak. We allow too many things to consume us and to hurt us to a point of madness.

Sometimes I sit and i think of odd things like how it'd feel to be the wind, moving gently, now harshly, now gently with not a care in the world. How would it feel, if i were the ocean? Crashing against rocks and sparkling in the sunlight. Sometimes, I wish i were not human because with so much emotion comes pain in abundance. Sitting on that throne, I cannot think of dying because there would be absolutely no point in death. I suppose my time will come because we only live (work hard and have such busy lives) to die. If you know you're going to die anyway, why dont you stop!!!!! Stop and smell the ocean, listen to the purring wind and even so, love the person sitting next to you on that throne and stop fighting. Stop being so busy that you can not spend time with the ones you love.

I do not know how much time I have here but i want to be able to find a rock and make it my throne and sit upon it with my friends and family and take in a deep breath. Let us all have different perspectives on the one perfect view. I do what i do for the people i love and i will never regret anything because there is nothing bigger in this world than love. So you can look at the view and see the wretched sea lashing angrily against the rocks and thus you can liken the sea to human beings and call it selfish, rough and punishing. But I, i choose to see beauty in all and love all. Therefore i love you for your differences in perspective with me, I love you because without you i would not be me. I would not be strong, I would not be thoughtful, I would not be wise. I love my friends and I love my family (ALL) and whatever i can do for you at any point, tell me and i will do it because all we have in this world is each other (love)So find your rock! Find your throne and pour your love upon ii!!!

All rightie then people i need to go now!! Arriverderci! Adios! Adieu! Until we meet again!!

Sorpresa!!!!!!

Hi there :-) I know it has been awhile but that is the only way you are going to miss me, right??? lol..... School is closed but i have been doing some reading since I have the time now and we all know that reading is pertinent. Someone once said that whatever we read is always just ours because everybody will read the same thing and adopt a different lesson and a different way of thinking. Although reading is important, we need to censor what we read becasue the amount of junk that can be passed on as literature is not even funny. Yes so, my whole purpose of saying that is to encourage you, once in a while to do some reading. Not just any kind of reading but reading that will elevate your thinking and uplift you as a person.

All rightie then, let us see what has been up with me??? Hmmmmmmm?? Well clearly you can see i cut off my dreads so I am a "bald-head" again......lol....I do not really think I have much of anything to say. I just did not want you guys to remain in a state of deprivation for too long. By the way, I have had insomnia for three or four weeks now....Does anybody know how to get rid of this because I am bloody exhausted and school reopens in two weeks or so......I do not necessarily want to walk around in zombie mode :-) During my sleepless state, i actually write poetry.....lol....At three at two, one or whatever, I write.....lol.... I will allow you to read two about actual insomnia (ha ha)

Insomnia

I sit among wretched thoughts
Each, nagging at my sleep
Each, keeping my brain awake.
Thoughts are like little children
When one most desires to be left alone; they pop up
Forcing you to feed them.
It is awesome to sit here and think about the deeds done through the day
I’d rather sleep, but what the hell!
It’s incredible to think of my life and my future
I’d rather sleep but I will give it a try!!
To think about my friends and family, I feel compassion!!!
Oh sleep, how I long for you!!!
What if the alphabet were not in that order?
What if the world were flat?
Why do we live, only to die?
Why did I paint my room that colour??
What if I were born a different race?
Oh!
If only the comforting arms of sleep would surround me!!
But I go on entertaining thoughts
As they are children needing their mother’s touch.
Ah!And then, it is day!

AND

Cognizance

I wake up from a deep state of consciousness
I am relieved to see sunlight burst into the skies and spread its rays all around
But I am saddened to see night slowly disappear
Since I did not profit from the silent slumber
That night rewards us with.

I walk around,
Knowing that I should begin my day.
But my eye lids are sagging
And my movements seem depressed.
As an invalid, I find difficulty in the simplest acts-
A smile, a wave, even laughter.

My head is throbbing
As blood tries to keep me even more conscious
Through this day.

All I’d like to do is to rest my weariness but I am not able
As it is the time to work.
But when night falls,
My thoughts will consume me
And I will need to entertain them
As a mother would a child.

When will my rest come then?
Perhaps when I am dead,
I will attain sweet slumber.
Only then.

So until then,
I am to be painfully awake
Until death releases me from my conscious duty.

Yes yes, so this is what i have writ based on my sleeplessness :-) I have to go but i will catch you guys later. Arriverderci! Ciao! Adios! Chao! Adieu! Au revoir! Bye!!!!!