Navidad Roto

Christmas has always been my favourite ime of year because of the copious amount of love that exudes from everybody! Christmas, Myia's favourite time :-) She used to buy the biggest gifts to put under the tree and always got us really good expensive gifts! Christmas, for her was about the giving and the love we aall shared....

Myia loved putting up the christmas tree, and then we all had to decorate it together.....that always used to be fun....Then, putting up the christmas lights....lol....Oh gosh....one christmas, Myia lent this huge ladder electricians used and she had me hold this while she dangerously placed lights all around the roof....lol...She was wearing her favourite shorts and vest and doing all sorts of reckless things on that roof....lol...

She made christmas so wonderful for all of us.....she used to get me to sit under the tree with her so she could shake the boxes with her name and guess what they were....most of the time she was right!!...lol

Shopping together was soo much fun! The last christmas, Jnin, Myia and I went shopping and everybody was tryng to evade each other in order to buy gifts and Myia did one over on me:

We entered a store and Mys asked me if i liked a particular bag for Jens. I said i really loved it but it did not look like it could be for Jens! It looks like something i would really love to have. So she put the bag away because clearly it was not "Jen-like"...We got all that we needed at that store and we went to another one! Suddenly Myia cries out in dismay, "i forgot the bags in the other store!!!!" So she leaves Jenin and I and rushes to get the bags she left :-)On christmas day, we wake up very early and get to the tree to begin exchanging gifts. We hand each other our gifts and watch in amusement as they open them. Mys hands me this big box and kisses my cheek! I open my box and literally scream out in absolute delight and surprise- The Bag!!!!!! When she had supposedly left our bags in the other store, she had gone back for the bag! I screamed and shouted and hugged her so tightly....That day, i put all my other gifts in that bag and hauled it around everywhere i went....I think i would have cooked with it too, had she not said "Merls come on give it a break!!" lol

After our exchanging of gifts, Carmeno has to do the turkey, the ham and the fish and then we have to cut, chop, slice, stew and whatever else.....Christmas lunch is always hearty and filling.....After we eat, we hang out, laugh, sleep and just enjoy our time together.....

This happens to us every year and every year, we have fun because Myia is always so exuberant and ecstatic about the day.....

I woke up and it felt "christmassy" and i played christmas carols and cried.....I am dreading this christmas because i will not have the joy of the day....the big boxes under the tree, the harassment for us to go shake the boxes, the celebration....

Some years ago, Jenin was in England; it was the week before she had to come to St Lucia- Myia and I put on christmas hats, climbed the balcony and started singing Celine Dion's the Best of Times Album really loudly - Karaoke style.....lol....that was a crazy night!! lol.....The Flambeauxs were passing and we were singing christmas carols.....lol

Mrs Eugene says to celebrate in memory of her but its so awful because its not even christmas yet and this hole in my heart hurts so much, i feel like dying.....

Myia, i wish i wish i wish with all my heart, that you could be my christmas gift!! I love you so absolutely and i miss you so terribly.....

Happy Holidays Mys!!

Vivo de ilusiones.....

I Hate
Dedicated to Myia A Samuel

I walked out on the blatant sharp image of your form
Absurdly thinking that you’d be gone

I married a land where we shared no moments
A place to escape the memories

But I sit under this tree at Brandon’s Beach-
A place we did not share

I stare-

at rain drops falling

I stare through the shads of water
And I see your face-

Laughing because we ate pizza on a beach like this

Filled with pride because I graduated from Secondary School

Smirking because you pasted my face with flour or toothpaste

Jeering because we wrestled and you won

Making faces to make me laugh

Asleep as your fingers travel through my hair

Smiling because you ate from my plate when I was not looking

I see you teaching me to write,

Helping me with school work…..

It seems,

The memories followed me here…

The hurt I could not bear-

Forsook me not….

The pain cripples

My tears…..the rain dribbles

Blood streams down my face
I grab, scratch and show no grace
I scream from the depth of my state
I hate I hate I hate!

Mys i cannot stop thinking about you...... the memories dont cease and the sadness is persistent.....At nights i dream of you laughing and alive and every morning, i regret being awake because i have the need to be with you, to hear your laugh and to hear your jokes- i hear you and see you in my dreams.....if only i could keep dreaming on for eternity.....if only.....sigh

I love you always
Merl

Retorcerse de dolor......

The Loss of you
Dedicated to Myia A Samuel


Drown me in the ocean of anguish
That my hurt may be relinquished
And though I gasp in agony for breath
Let it be my death
For there is nothing as agonising as the loss of you

Stray bullets that dart?
Let them finally settle in my heart-
Tear through skin
Pierce through my heart film
For there is no pain that hurts more than the loss of you

Daggers aimed?
I beg you, do not miss
Slice me, cut me……let them maim
Let my blood sip from each gash
For there is no greater wound than the loss of you

Clasp your hand round my neck
Pores pant and perspire
Mock my desperation
Let my life retire
For who needs life with the loss of you?

Dead you are?
Dead I should be!

Dust you shall become?
Dust I should become!

For who can live with the loss of you?


It is three months today since you’ve been gone and the pain is ever present and unending! I miss you and I love you even through death!!

Love
Merl

Memoria

Remember

Dedicated to Myia A Samuel



Once, there was a beautiful pearl,
Who painted pictures
Of flowers, hills, beaches and faces……
Do you remember?

Once, there was a gem
Whose voice was sweeter than any…..
Her voice fell upon ears like honey to an ailing throat
Do you remember?

I remember!

I remember, this rose different from all the others –
Her thorns pointed inwardly and so she exposed her humanity shamelessly
And loved unconditionally
Do you remember?

I remember this bird,
Flying upon each tree with genuine curiosity
Who mingled with danger just for experience
Who flirted with evil just for a second!
Whose curiosity heightened with each new moment…..
Do you remember?

I remember this care free spirit,
Climbing coconut trees, cutting her finger
Racing on the streets
Listening to contrary music
Jumping off cliffs fully dressed to experience the ocean
Thoughtfully carrying on with nature
Do you remember?

Do you remember a busy body
Who woke at dawn to go off to work
And who worked whilst everyone was asleep
The picture of dedication, determination and hard work!
Do you remember?

Hard worker yes!
But do you remember those gifts at Christmas?
The excitement in her eyes?
Shaking each gift with marvel?

Do you remember my birthday? Yours?
She made them special! She made them worth waiting for!

Do you remember the conversations?
Do you remember the laughter?
The joy we felt?
Do you remember the things she did,
That would drive a mad man crazy?
Do you remember the advice she gave?
Do you remember??

If I remember,
If you remember
If we remember
Then she can not be forgotten…..
If we remember, she will remain a part of each new moment……each new memory
She will grow with us…..
So remember, to keep her alive……remember

Another letter

Dear Myia,

I hurt today, just like I did on 21st April! I hurt today because I had something to tell you and I couldn’t wait to call and then I remembered; and the news came just like it did that night! My heart began to feel heavy, my tears could not stop rolling down my cheeks! I do not measure other people’s love for you and determine how much I should hurt or cry! I just know I love you and I just know that although I told you I loved you the last time we spoke, I miss you…..

I said some things out loud tonight! Some things that I was feeling but could not say (I said them) and I do not feel better but I remember you and I am willing…….

I may not tonight, but Mys I am willing to pray……

I hope you knew how much I love you, how much I admire you and how I’d give my very life to sustain yours!!

I love you Mys and I am willing……

Always and forever
Merlie

To Myia

Dear Mys,

Though it was abnormal not to get an email from you; I did not receive one on the morning of Tuesday 21st May 2009. I gave this not a second thought, thinking that you were just busy! Throughout the day when we did not hear from you, I prayed to God begging him, pleading with him because although I felt something was wrong in my heart, I did not want to acknowledge it… {you were fine, your phone, your laptop were all stolen…you were fine….}

Shock is not something a person can explain in words but when I found out the first love of my life died, I felt electricity pass through me, I felt my mind begin to go blank and I felt pain- pain, I can not begin to describe with trivial words….. Myia, my first love who taught me to do EVERYTHING… who taught me Spanish before I entered a secondary school, taught me poems from the Sunsong that she’d learned at the Convent…. The person who helped me with my project in Standard 4 on Vertebrates! The person who read Biology to me and taught me to play Chess…. The person who taught me to climb trees, to play basketball and table tennis…. The person who brought me on the most fun adventures…. The person who taught me to write (even that I can remember)…. The person who wanted me to be the best I could be and encouraged me to write….. the person who taught me that a little crazy was okay…. The person I’d call if I were having a bad day…. The person who I’d sleep next to for so much of my childhood… the person I gorged on chocolate and ice cream with… the person who taught me about make up, who stayed up late to watch movies with me… the person who wanted me to take care of myself…. The person who taught me to be ME…. THAT PERSON DIED??????

I learned my person died and I lost all sense of reality because I could not wrap my mind around the fact that YOU were dead because that would mean no more weird IMs to make me laugh, no more emails on the mornings and evenings, no more skype! This would mean I lost a faithful reader of my blog! This would mean that life has literally taken the breath that sustained me….

And so, my shock transformed into moments of insanity where I tried to hurt myself – and I know you would strongly oppose this because I am always supposed to take care of myself for you! But then I had no reason to do so because you died!!! I lost my favourite person who would never judge but tell me the truth in spite of my hurt and pig headedness.

My pain transposed into anger at God and I felt so much and I still do feel that you could still be at school text messaging, emailing and IMing but you’re not because our just God allowed you to be taken away……

Anger has never consumed me as much as this Mys and I can not let go of it and I know what you would say but I’d like to hear it from your lips!! I’d like you to reprimand me! I’d like you to send me more hairstyles from you tube so I would get styles to comb my hair! I want you to just send me songs and tell me to listen to them and say you’re going to stop sending but listen to one more, and then, just one more……

Life changes meaning when such a big chunk of it is taken away… Simple things have changed and so have the bigger things…. Food does not taste the same any more…. The job I used to love seems like a heavy burden I need to get rid of… my level of tolerance has dissipated…. My favourite colour has changed… my heart has changed and the music I listen to have changed…… Life for me makes no sense and God, I am angry at!!

Some days my mind does not work as it should and if you were here you would help me with that just as you helped me with everything else… it took such exactitude when God made the decision to bless our family, to bless me with you so that I could have a confidante who is irreplaceable! I would and I am forever willing to die for you! I wanted to kill anyone who hurt you but you were so good, so utterly forgiving and so contrary to human nature that you would tell me to let it go because you do not want to hold grudges because they were futile! I can not believe you are dead and it is almost a month……

People want it to be easy for us to get over you! But that shows that they did not know you because if they did, they would know the big impression you make on a heart when you tell people you love them everyday and when you make people laugh to a point of tears! My heart is weighing down and I know I need to move on but how is it possible?? Would it not be better if I passed and allowed you to keep on living? Mys you were such a beautiful person inside and out and though I am so wounded, so traumatised that you are gone, I know I told you I loved you and I know I told you, you mean the world to me and the small things you did made me happy, like emailing a picture of a canal thinking that I would love it!! You know me so well! You knew my sad face, my happy face, my smiles and my frowns….

How is it possible for me to live without the very definition of me? Who am I suppose to call? Who am I suppose to tell about my dreams? Whose opinions am I suppose to take with no questions? Myia, once you said it, I believed it because you were always the hero in my book…… Who can know me as you do?? I have no life support! I’ve lost my ventilator! I can not keep breathing… I can’t….

I do not know in what tense to write you because in my heart you are alive and well and I see you and hear you laughing but then there is this one memory of you lying in a casket that contradicts the living, breathing person in my heart!! I hate that you are dead!!!!!! I HATE THAT YOU ARE DEAD!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU DIE WITHOUT ME????? HOW COULD YOU DIE??????????????

I will never forget you and I will love you always
Merls

I am Afraid!!

What time of day does a thief break into a house? I think it more plausible that if their intent is to steal, they’d probably show up during the day(the time of day) when they believe the house to be empty.

What kind of person then tries to break into a house when every living soul is definitely within the walls asleep in slumber’s embrace?? A rapist? A murderer? A mad man?

Last night, after devotion, I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I was deep in the arms of sleep when suddenly something – something non-human asked me to get up with urgency. Someone was at my window trying to get in and though my humanity assumed that it was just my mother trying to get me to open the door for her, something else told me to get off the bed.

I rushed off the bed and never had I been so afraid. The fear was not because of the fact that there was someone at my window (there were bars of course). The fear was derived from this question, at midnight, what was the person’s objective?

A thief comes in when the house is empty because their intention is to steal but who comes in when the house is filled?? Who comes in at midnight?? A murderer?? A rapist? A mad man??
That is what caused my fear because due to the bars which cover my window, no one can enter but what kind of man would try??

I got off the bed and I went to sleep somewhere else after we established that the person I heard was indeed trying to get in. I could not close my eyes because I kept thinking; Who comes to a house filled with people?? Faces kept flashing in my head and because I could not make assumptions, everyone provoked fear within me!.

From then, not knowing the individual’s aim has paralyzed me with fear!!

A thief would come into a house to steal so it is practical that he’d come when the house is empty! What kind of person tries to enter a house pregnant with life?? A murderer? A rapist?? A mad man??

I am consumed with fear!!

Ah well, have a wonderful day and be blessed!! Sayonara!