The Moment of Breathlessness...

Today, I have been thinking of death - the immediate moments or moment before ones final breath. I really do not believe in the white light mambo jumbo. That is a fairy tale that was used to appease little children when parents could not honestly say that death meant complete and utter unconsciousness in which the person knows nothing, hears nothing, sees nothing, feels nothing.... The description of death is sort of like the description of Santa Claus - they are both fabrications! If one studies the bible, it will be clear what death is!

But i digress. I have been thinking about someone's immediate moment before they are finally gone from the earth! I wish someone could tell me about it. A drowning person is slowly dying because every breath that she takes, her lungs are filled with water. What does she think of as she has very little oxygen and the water, rushing down her lungs burns like acid! What does she think of when her eyes want to pop out because they burn so much? Does she suddenly get to a point where she can not feel anything? Or does this acidic burn persist until finally...

How about somebody who is burning in a fire. As each flame stabs him, what does he think? Does the unbearable pain drive him to insanity and then finally, death?? Or does he feel it each time the fire pierces and burns his flesh? Does he smell the burnt flesh? What does he think? Is he thinking?? Now that his skin and flesh has melted in the fire, does his life flash before him? Or is he in too much agony? Does he beg for death?? Does he feel or think, before he dies...

How about someone who was stabbed or shot? What does he feel as the blood slowly sips out of him and he becomes weaker and weaker? What does he think? Are his thoughts muddled up seeing that he is losing his source of power?? Does he go into some sort of a trance? Does the temperature change for him? Does he suddenly feel fine and then...nothing????

How about an unexpecting pedestrian? When the car or truck hits you and then covers you, would you hear your bones crush before you actually feel it?? Would you smell exhaust before you knew what had happened? Would you be in a state of discomfiture?? Would you feel numb and would you immediately die?? Or would you feel the the pain, slowly, very slowly dissipating and then, death?? Or would the pain become more and more painful, and Then, death???

How about if you fell from a great height? How about if you comitted suicide, would the feeling be the same?? How about if you got a stroke? You died in your sleep?? How about....???

Yes, they are all death and all would involve breath slipping away from the person but how slowly or how quickly does breath no longer exist for them?? And in that space of time, what exactly happens?? JHow is it for them?? Ah well, just wonderring!! That happens sometimes :-)

Have an excellent evening and think!!!!!!!! గూడ్నిఘ్ట్! ஸ்வீட் ட்றேஅம்ஸ்! സ്റ്റഡി ടോ ഷോ ത്യ്സേല്ഫ് അപ്പ്രോവേദ് ഉണ്ടോ ഗോഡ്!! ಪ್ರಿ ವಿತ್ಹೌತ್ ಸೆಅಸಿಂಗ್!! गोद इस विक्तोरिऔस!! Good night to all!!

Enflamed Heart

Today, a friend of mine informed me that they had no ability to care for or love anything, in fact, the heart within had sort of dried up being deemed, null and void! Oh what a thing to say to someone who has given so much!! What a thing to say!! This statement today, brought me back sometime ago when this same person said "I love you less" and "I have no more love left to give you" All of this said, the individual still convinced me that all of those things were said in the heat of the moment and therefore should not be made note of.

From the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh - This is absolute truth! I mean, it came from the Bible, what else could it be??? My friend speaks of situations where they are in a relationship that would be considered hurtful and yet, they seem not to deserve anything but what is being dealt! My friend calls it Karma but I call it B.S. It is my decision to remain with you whether or not I feel hurt and deprived!

Today, when you said your heart had been literally burnt out, I felt it before you actually said it so I believe you! I believe that you like your situation! You are not a coward as I previously statered! But there is nothing I can do for someone who does not want to be happy!

You broke my heart several times with your words and do you think today, just because we aren't together, I am not still hutrt?? Of course I am! The problem with me is that I gave you too much of me! Which is why it is so easy for you to step over me and feel I could take it!!

Today, I told you that I wouldnt mind if you'd die - not because i feel hatred within me or even dislike! I wish both you and your partner death, so that you will stop hurting! That you will stop tearing up at my harmless words! I wish you death, so that you'd be away from me, the person you continuously love less and together with, your partner (the one you'd never leave! NOT EVER!!!)

I do not know whether I am being coherent or even clear! But I need you to know, that I wish I could love you less!! I wish I could feel less for you!! I wish I really wanted you dead! I wish I could hurt you and forget you!! Because it is so easy for you to love me less!! Forget me!! I wish my humanity werent so faulty!!!

So dear friend, you continue loving me less until the fire has enflamed your heart and leaves the ashes behind! I will love you still because I do not know any better!! Enjoy your life! Enjoy the future that you will have without me!! Enjoy life while I go on loving you because really????? What else is there???????

Ah well, Good night good night!!!! Buenas noches!!! Buena noche!! Bon Nuit!! Gute Nacht!!!!!!

Broken

How would you feel if someone entered your house without your permissioon and began taking things? The person, perhaps, has come to the conclusion, that everything you own is theirs. Now this aspect would not have affected me because these are simply material things that could be easily replaced or even forgotten. But the thing that sticks with me, is the fact that somebody, some uninvited person was in my personal space, touching and sifting through my personal things. Were their hands clean or not? One can not tell. But when one finds dirt on their sheets, the individual feels broken and even a stab of pain!

The concept of personal space is vital and so when one can not get the image of someone touching their personal things out of the head, they change the sheets and try to fall asleep and the image of the footprint on the previous sheets is still lodged in memory, so you change the sheets that were changed minutes ago and you feel uncomfortable because you can not tell exactly what has been violated but you know many things were including you.

Then, you try to sleep, but then, there is this image or this sudden sound that makes you check under your bed, just in case and it makes you check if the the stuff you bought last week, if they are still there. You look around your space and it is not so personal anymore. It looks like a bus station or a store where people can walk in and out without a care.

You change your sheets again because your skin has not stopped itching though you know in your mind there is nothing, I suppose the fear takes hold. You ask that the beautiful flower tree next to your space be cut down so you can be given even less privacy but you are afraid that your visitor may not care that you are inside the next time. You look for clothes to wear, but on second thought, let the space, the used to be private space, let it be cleaned again and the sheets, changed just one more time?? And then there is a desire, a strong desire to leave the place where you felt comfort but then another desire to keep it protected. So you keep your windows closed just in case and the doors locked. And every once in a while you check to make sure that the windows are really shut. You feel a presence in your space and you are more jumpy than usual. I am not angry or upset that things were taken away....Not at all!! I am just deeply troubled by the invasion itself! Invasion of space! Of privacy! How would you feel if someone walked into your house and began picking up things you consider dear?? How would you feel if someone rifled through your drawers?? How would you feel, if one day you came from work and there was a foot print on your bed, your window was mangled and some of your things were missing?? How would you feel if your space were invaded???

Ah Well, i wish you a very good night and the beautifully blue picture above would be Jalousie- enjoying some beach time during summer.... :-) Adieu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Have you ever sat and wondered about your future?? I am certain many of you have, but have you ever wondered and then felt complete and utter fright? I felt like that some time ago when I was trying to figure out with some difficulty, how my life will actually turn out. Will i be a teacher my whole life?? I do love my students and I do want to do my best with them, encourage them as much as possible, listen to them and so on, but for the rest of my life?? Though teaching, specifically in Dennery is a hard task, that was not what that frightened me. It was the concept of being alone for the rest of my life. My idea of family is not really properly defined. I do not limit my vision, to the nuclear aspect of family. When I think of family, i think of my cousins, my aunts, uncles and so on, and i feel warmth in my heart because I know, though there are many of them, they each hold a special place in my heart.

However, I do not expect persons and situations to remain the same. Though, it is within my nature for me to abhor change, i know that remaining stagnant will not allow growth of any form. I know that my bestfriend will one day, disappear from my life, I know that family members who are still around will move on to new pastures, I know that my parents won't be there forever, I know the friends I have will move on... I know all of these things because it is not a matter of what we want, it is a matter of life happening whether we want it to or not!

Somedays, I really hate the fact that life "happens" because it is so easy to get comfortable in our situation and take certain things for granted.... It is very easy. I try my best not to take things for granted because of the fact that life can "happen" so quickly.

I want to be ready for life but I know, it is not that easy so i want to be strong enough to understand that people change and life changes as well. I have to admit that I am an individual who is not yet where she wants to be. I am an individual who gets scared when things happen, whether they are good or bad. I am an individual who would rather go back to the past and never really grow up. I am an individual who ia not yet really Me because of the fact that i have too many persons inside. I am an individual who does not know where to begin or where to end and who wishes there was no begining and never any end. I am too serious yet not serious enough. I feel that i have not lived enough but perhaps I do not deserve to live at all. I feel old and decrepit rather than young and vivacious. I feel exhausted because life happening takes away so much. I am so afraid of looking forward because that would mean more of life happening, more of change, more people leaving and new people coming in!! The process is painful and i abhor it!! I abhor the whole definition of future because the future simply means more change, more growth within and more growing up!

:-) I will indeed bid you adieu! Arriverderci! Ja ne! Sayonara! கூட்ப்யே! గూడ్బ్యే! ഗൂട്ബ്യെ! ಗೂದ್ಬ್ಯೆ! गूद्ब्ये!

Jesus is Victor!!!!!!

After working extremely hard during the week, I am happy when Friday eve finally approaches, because then, I have to stop all worldly tasks and approach the throne of God. There, i have to thank Him for protecting me throughout the week, thank Him for health, breath of life and welcome His wonderful sabbath day of rest.

Today, I was thinking as I normally do and I realized that we are getting very close to the end of times. The times where all sorts of horrible things will be occurring and yes it is true that we must occupy our time on earth while waiting for the second coming of God. But we must occcupy it in a fashion that God would approve of. I believe that is why he gives us the Bible, as a sort of moral guide so that we know what we ought to do and what we ought not to do. He guides us with the ten commandments informing us that we should not steal, kill, commit adultery, use His name in vain, covet our neighbours things or anything for that matter, remember the sabbath to keep it holy, love each other, honour our parents and so on. Then in Leviticus chapters 18, 19, 20, he informs us that incest, beastiality and homosexuality are not approved by Him.

It is amazing to note how magnificent our Father in Heaven is! He has given us a guide and basically tells us what to eat and what not to eat, how to act and how not to act and if we follow those guidelines from Him, we will end up in the "place that He has gone to prepare for us" (John 14:1-4). But the difficult thing is that Satan, each day is trying to destroy us and so we must be very aware of Him and his lies because he is sly enough to make us justify certain sins and then even begin to believe that they are right!! It is necessary therefore, that we spend time with God daily- reading His word and praying to Him so that we could remain grounded in the faith that so often wavers with a shove from the devil!

The Old Testament and The New go hand in hand! We need one to explain the other and I am amazed at how wonderful God is. I was very much confused a while back when I read Leviticus and it informed us, God's people, that we must eat certain foods and not eat others and then I read in Acts that Peter was given a vision that suggested in Acts 10:1-14 that Peter should kill and eat the fowls and so on that were previously considered unclean in the Old Testament. But there is something you should know, God is not a God of contradictions and if we read further, we will notice that it was a parable. Peter was comissioned by Jesus to preach the gospel to the Jews but in that vision God had basically explained to him, that now, he had to go further- he should not discriminate, preach to the Gentiles as well , the Samaritans and so on and if we read on, we will notice the story of Cornelius who was indeed a gentile.

It is absolutely wonderful to know that God gives second chances. He is a forgiving, merciful God and no matter how many times we falter he will pick us up if we only humbly bow to his feet. Even on the cross, Jesus Christ felt compassion for His murderers. He said simply but passionatlely "Father forgive them for they know not what they do" God commissions all of us to Go ye therefore into all the world and preach the gospel. Tell all of His goodness, His compassion, His death, His resurrection, the Three Angels message in Revelation and the fact that He will be coming a second time. And when He will appear, the trumpet shall sound and the dead in Christ shall rise first and we shall be caught up to meet Him in the air. Make sure, you die in Christ or you live for Him because if not, if we are not with Him, we shall be burned with an eternal fire!!!!!

Do not allow anything to separate you from the love of God because to be tucked away under His wings and to be protected by Him is indeed praiseworthy. I beg of you, accept Him into your hearts. He is wonderful, merciful , loving, patient and when you fall in love with God, there is nothing, absolutely nothing better than that. And even then, do not be afraid to tell of His love, His goodness and His greatness!! Witness for him, tell others about Him because he has asked us to do so.

Well then, God Bless you and keep you until we meet again!!!!! Arriverderci!!!!

BFF- Mine, not yours!!!!! LOL

How utterly sweet it is when in adulthood, you can consider someone your bestfriend. It is rather difficult for adults to make really really good friends because they are so concerned with gossip and backbiting - not necessarily because they hate the person but its all they know. I have observed many persons, at work and at home and you can see from their expressions that they are genuine but then, the bug of gossip bites them and they go about making stories more colourful or simply just making them up! And oh how it hurts when you realize that somebody you placed your trust in, lied about you or exposed you- one feels naked and dirty and I know of it, firsthand.

I do not want to wrap my mind around the fact that humans, specifically women, are simply devious. Why would I say, you are my friend and seconds later, talk about you behind your back?? What I have realised is that some persons simply are not meant to have friends! Since I, being kindhearted cannot understand persons and why they would want to talk about each other, i choose to continue being the gossipers friend even though, I know for a fact that I have been the heroine in one of their stories.

In saying all of this, I would actually like to introduce you to my bestfriend. With Myia and Brad being gone and The Litles not being as accessible as they used to, I met Ms S. Shanette Monrose in 2006 and we both feel like we have known each other for our entire lives. I find her to be ridiculously intelligent and I enjoy having conversations with her, whether it be about English Literature, exercise, eating right, the Bible and whatever else that comes to mind. I am very comfortable with her and she listens to all my odd thoughts. We quarrel quite often but never with malice always with love.

Its sort of fun to talk to someone after a hard day of working. It is relaxing for us to do nice things for each other, to advise each other when we are doing something wrong and it is funny to develop certain code names for people and act juvenile for a while. Some persons may consider her rude and unapproachable, but really she is one of the nicest people around, she just does not find it necessary to have too many friends who in the end betray you. I understand that view point completely, which is why I felt more comfort in befriending my family members rather than anybody else but I am very thankful to have met her. I have never had such a bumpy, yet fun friendship as this. It is sort of like going on a crazy ride at Coney Island; there are all sorts of emotions mixed up but it is still fun!!

My friend is super cool! She is witty, wise, kind, funny, intellligent and so similar to me -which is why we quarrel so much. Persons even say we resemble each other and in a primitive minded place as Dennery, they consider us lesbians as they consider two females can not be this close. But I refuse to allow small minded people to ruin such a good friendship! So, allow the friendless to continue gossiping while i continue talking to MY FRIEND about whatever is bugging me and while she continues doing the same. I have made a bestfriend but you adults who prefer talking about others, your loneliness will soon be unbearable!!!

Oh well, arriverderci!!! Sayanora!!! Chao!!! Ja ne!!! Addio!!! Adios!!! Auf wiederstehn!!!! Bye!!!!

Journey On!!!!!!!!!

At times, i sit and think about our journeys in life; what exactly are we destined for? And we are all individuals, we must each have our own journey, our own destiny! But when do we begin this journey and how do we know it's ended? Is it through death that we know certainly our journey has ended? Or perhaps it has just began! Perhaps as we slumber in death's embrace, our journey is being mapped out! Some people look back on their lives and they note that they have done nothing of substance, nothing to promote change...... Do we all have to be an Obama or a Clinton for us to feel that yes indeed, we are doing something?!

I really do not want to look back on life and say that i regret doing or not doing! I want to look back and be proud! Do some of us actually realize our journeys and wonder the significance? I sometimes wonder about the point of this life at all! Every human being basically mimics each other and there is nothing original or out of this world! Women give birth! Yes, but is that new? Women have been doing that for centuries!! I am sure if there was an individual looking at us on a very large screen, he'd probably destroy the screen, for fear of seeing one more human being make the same mistakes and do the same things over and over and over! The lazy people with no ambition, sleep, eat, party and watch tele and probably live with their parents!! Is that a journey? A destiny? A mother is raising her children and staying at home to pack lunches and so on. Is that what she signed off on? Is that a journey? Those who work their bums off, only to die and live millions for family members to fight over, was that their journey?? Some of our journeys look rather pointless and others seem so spectacular! Barack Obama, whether he wins or not, what a journey- to pave the way for blacks alike and Hilary Clinton, did the same for women!! I want to digress a bit simply to state, Sarah Palin???? Just because she is wearing a skirt, women will vote for her?? Come on McCain!!!!! :-) Ah well, we each have our journeys and I supppose, no matter how pointless they appear, travel on because you may change a life whether its in a HUGE way or a small fashion!

Journey

Blood sips from my pores
Fire burns through my muscle
As I muster courage to take another step.
My eyes are sore;
The sun has dried off my tear ducts.
My lips feel like sand paper
And as I pass my tongue over them,
A charred piece of skin cuts my tongue
And I suck the blood thirstily.

I take another step
And I can hear my limps crack as I pull myself forward.
My body has become bones meshing against skin-
Soon the bones will pierce through.
I whimper as the fiery ray of the sun stabs through my film of skin.
And as I continue my journey,
I see the festering sores upon my feet dripping with tears
As they long to rest, but they know they must go forward.

Carefully, I hold a crumpled piece of paper in my gaunt fingers.
I feebly take in a breath and the air rushes into me;
Grating and scraping against my tattered lungs.
I must continue my journey,
Though, I have not seen water for days.
The journey must be continued.

As I walk,
Like a withered plant,
I see this creature stare at me. I can not tell what it is
Because my eyes are no longer good for seeing.
But I am ashamed,
Because I had not been expecting company
And I know- this stench
The stench of rotten eggs that have been following me for miles now,
Must be me.
So I am embarrassed.
I bow my head and slowly leave the creature behind.

My journey must continue.
Though I yearn for water, I can not tarry
Because time would be wasted
And we cannot have that.
So I continue my walk,
With me clutching my crumpled piece of paper.
I walk,
Though each step is more agonising than the first,
I walk.

As I get closer to my destination,
I feel alive again.
The sores upon my feet, seem,
Not too painful anymore
And as my tongue passes over my coarse lips,
I drink with passion.
My feeble body becomes stronger and I move faster,
Until finally,
Finally, I am there.

I get there,
But I am shaken
I don’t recall why I journeyed so long
And why I needed to be here.
I look around me, losing my sense of victory.
I become in a state of intellectual discomfiture,
As I wonder, why I came here
What force brought me here?
I stare at the crumpled piece of paper and let it fall to the ground.
I have journeyed for days,
But for what reason?
I can not seem to remember…
So I face homeward,
And begin my journey,
My long journey, back to where I came.


Sometimes we journey only to find that the journey was useless or it did not matter!! It baffles me when i realise that we each are on a journey that we know not of and we don't know exactly what we'll find at the end!! What is my journey?? Am I half way through? Or have i even started yet??? Ah well, Journey on my dears, as either way you can not do a bloody thing about the journey you're on!!!

All right then, I am tired!! I had classes all day and i need to place my head on a warm pillow and then, tomorrow, continue my journey whatever it may be!! Ja ne!! Addio!! Bon soir!!! Arriverderci!!

LOVERZZZZ

I am truly exhausted!! School reopened yesterday and I have not gotten off my feet since; my feet hurt like hell, my thighs, my throat, my soul everything is just really exhausted on me right now! So I am sitting here, very lethargic thinking of nothing in particular but love! A blogger friend of mine, asks what's love and why does it fade away?? I am inclined to respond to that blog because it was sort of a letter to me. My dear, I do not think love should be about knees being weak and wanting to bed the person alone. Yes, you should have that, probably the bedding more than the knees thing but, I think love has more to do with a person's need to want to spend their life with another, missing that person, wanting to tell that person the biggest thing or the smallest thing that occurred for the day, trusting this person with all you are and a strong desire to work at your relationship because, what else is there if this person is not in your life??

And my Dear, I don't necessarily believe that love fades away. I believe you may simply lose the desire to work at it or you have simply grown apart but the love is still there. Unless it was a case of "rebound" love or simple infatuation which could actually grow into love! Abusive relationships could beget hate but I do not see love as just fading. Perhaps the desire , "to bed" (as you put it) has diminished but love? fading?!

Your statements about Junior and Maribelle peaked my attention
BUT
I suppose if you want to bed one and miss the other when he leaves, then you don't love either! Or perhaps you are being greedy!!! I mean is it really possible to love two people at the same time!!! It is already so difficult working to keep one relationship afloat, how do you work two?? Why don't you sit and really think for awhile, and then, send Lover 1 or Lover 2 packing!!! Or are you too much of a......... lol

Then again, you want to have your cake and eat it too don't you??? Have fun then sugar :-)

Now dear readers i will have to bid you a good night! Buenas noches!!!! Gute Nacht!!! गुड निघत!!!! ಗುಡ್ ನಿಘ್ತ್!!!! ഗുഡ് നൈറ്റ്!!! குட் நைட்!!! గుడ్ నిఘ్త్!!! :-),