Jeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Have you ever sat and wondered about your future?? I am certain many of you have, but have you ever wondered and then felt complete and utter fright? I felt like that some time ago when I was trying to figure out with some difficulty, how my life will actually turn out. Will i be a teacher my whole life?? I do love my students and I do want to do my best with them, encourage them as much as possible, listen to them and so on, but for the rest of my life?? Though teaching, specifically in Dennery is a hard task, that was not what that frightened me. It was the concept of being alone for the rest of my life. My idea of family is not really properly defined. I do not limit my vision, to the nuclear aspect of family. When I think of family, i think of my cousins, my aunts, uncles and so on, and i feel warmth in my heart because I know, though there are many of them, they each hold a special place in my heart.

However, I do not expect persons and situations to remain the same. Though, it is within my nature for me to abhor change, i know that remaining stagnant will not allow growth of any form. I know that my bestfriend will one day, disappear from my life, I know that family members who are still around will move on to new pastures, I know that my parents won't be there forever, I know the friends I have will move on... I know all of these things because it is not a matter of what we want, it is a matter of life happening whether we want it to or not!

Somedays, I really hate the fact that life "happens" because it is so easy to get comfortable in our situation and take certain things for granted.... It is very easy. I try my best not to take things for granted because of the fact that life can "happen" so quickly.

I want to be ready for life but I know, it is not that easy so i want to be strong enough to understand that people change and life changes as well. I have to admit that I am an individual who is not yet where she wants to be. I am an individual who gets scared when things happen, whether they are good or bad. I am an individual who would rather go back to the past and never really grow up. I am an individual who ia not yet really Me because of the fact that i have too many persons inside. I am an individual who does not know where to begin or where to end and who wishes there was no begining and never any end. I am too serious yet not serious enough. I feel that i have not lived enough but perhaps I do not deserve to live at all. I feel old and decrepit rather than young and vivacious. I feel exhausted because life happening takes away so much. I am so afraid of looking forward because that would mean more of life happening, more of change, more people leaving and new people coming in!! The process is painful and i abhor it!! I abhor the whole definition of future because the future simply means more change, more growth within and more growing up!

:-) I will indeed bid you adieu! Arriverderci! Ja ne! Sayonara! கூட்ப்யே! గూడ్బ్యే! ഗൂട്ബ്യെ! ಗೂದ್ಬ್ಯೆ! गूद्ब्ये!