Vivo de ilusiones.....

I Hate
Dedicated to Myia A Samuel

I walked out on the blatant sharp image of your form
Absurdly thinking that you’d be gone

I married a land where we shared no moments
A place to escape the memories

But I sit under this tree at Brandon’s Beach-
A place we did not share

I stare-

at rain drops falling

I stare through the shads of water
And I see your face-

Laughing because we ate pizza on a beach like this

Filled with pride because I graduated from Secondary School

Smirking because you pasted my face with flour or toothpaste

Jeering because we wrestled and you won

Making faces to make me laugh

Asleep as your fingers travel through my hair

Smiling because you ate from my plate when I was not looking

I see you teaching me to write,

Helping me with school work…..

It seems,

The memories followed me here…

The hurt I could not bear-

Forsook me not….

The pain cripples

My tears…..the rain dribbles

Blood streams down my face
I grab, scratch and show no grace
I scream from the depth of my state
I hate I hate I hate!

Mys i cannot stop thinking about you...... the memories dont cease and the sadness is persistent.....At nights i dream of you laughing and alive and every morning, i regret being awake because i have the need to be with you, to hear your laugh and to hear your jokes- i hear you and see you in my dreams.....if only i could keep dreaming on for eternity.....if only.....sigh

I love you always
Merl

Another letter

Dear Myia,

I hurt today, just like I did on 21st April! I hurt today because I had something to tell you and I couldn’t wait to call and then I remembered; and the news came just like it did that night! My heart began to feel heavy, my tears could not stop rolling down my cheeks! I do not measure other people’s love for you and determine how much I should hurt or cry! I just know I love you and I just know that although I told you I loved you the last time we spoke, I miss you…..

I said some things out loud tonight! Some things that I was feeling but could not say (I said them) and I do not feel better but I remember you and I am willing…….

I may not tonight, but Mys I am willing to pray……

I hope you knew how much I love you, how much I admire you and how I’d give my very life to sustain yours!!

I love you Mys and I am willing……

Always and forever
Merlie

To Myia

Dear Mys,

Though it was abnormal not to get an email from you; I did not receive one on the morning of Tuesday 21st May 2009. I gave this not a second thought, thinking that you were just busy! Throughout the day when we did not hear from you, I prayed to God begging him, pleading with him because although I felt something was wrong in my heart, I did not want to acknowledge it… {you were fine, your phone, your laptop were all stolen…you were fine….}

Shock is not something a person can explain in words but when I found out the first love of my life died, I felt electricity pass through me, I felt my mind begin to go blank and I felt pain- pain, I can not begin to describe with trivial words….. Myia, my first love who taught me to do EVERYTHING… who taught me Spanish before I entered a secondary school, taught me poems from the Sunsong that she’d learned at the Convent…. The person who helped me with my project in Standard 4 on Vertebrates! The person who read Biology to me and taught me to play Chess…. The person who taught me to climb trees, to play basketball and table tennis…. The person who brought me on the most fun adventures…. The person who taught me to write (even that I can remember)…. The person who wanted me to be the best I could be and encouraged me to write….. the person who taught me that a little crazy was okay…. The person I’d call if I were having a bad day…. The person who I’d sleep next to for so much of my childhood… the person I gorged on chocolate and ice cream with… the person who taught me about make up, who stayed up late to watch movies with me… the person who wanted me to take care of myself…. The person who taught me to be ME…. THAT PERSON DIED??????

I learned my person died and I lost all sense of reality because I could not wrap my mind around the fact that YOU were dead because that would mean no more weird IMs to make me laugh, no more emails on the mornings and evenings, no more skype! This would mean I lost a faithful reader of my blog! This would mean that life has literally taken the breath that sustained me….

And so, my shock transformed into moments of insanity where I tried to hurt myself – and I know you would strongly oppose this because I am always supposed to take care of myself for you! But then I had no reason to do so because you died!!! I lost my favourite person who would never judge but tell me the truth in spite of my hurt and pig headedness.

My pain transposed into anger at God and I felt so much and I still do feel that you could still be at school text messaging, emailing and IMing but you’re not because our just God allowed you to be taken away……

Anger has never consumed me as much as this Mys and I can not let go of it and I know what you would say but I’d like to hear it from your lips!! I’d like you to reprimand me! I’d like you to send me more hairstyles from you tube so I would get styles to comb my hair! I want you to just send me songs and tell me to listen to them and say you’re going to stop sending but listen to one more, and then, just one more……

Life changes meaning when such a big chunk of it is taken away… Simple things have changed and so have the bigger things…. Food does not taste the same any more…. The job I used to love seems like a heavy burden I need to get rid of… my level of tolerance has dissipated…. My favourite colour has changed… my heart has changed and the music I listen to have changed…… Life for me makes no sense and God, I am angry at!!

Some days my mind does not work as it should and if you were here you would help me with that just as you helped me with everything else… it took such exactitude when God made the decision to bless our family, to bless me with you so that I could have a confidante who is irreplaceable! I would and I am forever willing to die for you! I wanted to kill anyone who hurt you but you were so good, so utterly forgiving and so contrary to human nature that you would tell me to let it go because you do not want to hold grudges because they were futile! I can not believe you are dead and it is almost a month……

People want it to be easy for us to get over you! But that shows that they did not know you because if they did, they would know the big impression you make on a heart when you tell people you love them everyday and when you make people laugh to a point of tears! My heart is weighing down and I know I need to move on but how is it possible?? Would it not be better if I passed and allowed you to keep on living? Mys you were such a beautiful person inside and out and though I am so wounded, so traumatised that you are gone, I know I told you I loved you and I know I told you, you mean the world to me and the small things you did made me happy, like emailing a picture of a canal thinking that I would love it!! You know me so well! You knew my sad face, my happy face, my smiles and my frowns….

How is it possible for me to live without the very definition of me? Who am I suppose to call? Who am I suppose to tell about my dreams? Whose opinions am I suppose to take with no questions? Myia, once you said it, I believed it because you were always the hero in my book…… Who can know me as you do?? I have no life support! I’ve lost my ventilator! I can not keep breathing… I can’t….

I do not know in what tense to write you because in my heart you are alive and well and I see you and hear you laughing but then there is this one memory of you lying in a casket that contradicts the living, breathing person in my heart!! I hate that you are dead!!!!!! I HATE THAT YOU ARE DEAD!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU DIE WITHOUT ME????? HOW COULD YOU DIE??????????????

I will never forget you and I will love you always
Merls