Sufferance

I have to sit there and take this because I am a child of God?

Well aren’t you?? Aren’t you a child of God?

You profess to be one! Yet you asphyxiate me with your gossiping tongues and you cut through me with your judgemental eyes! (Last week, I am sure you preached that judging was left to God! I am sure, the week before that you said something about identifying the “mote” in your own eye before you try to talk about somebody else’s! I am sure you preached….)


But at this point, you are dissecting me, as you would a pathetic, worthless frog!

At this point, you are allowing Satan to cover your thoughts, and you call it Godly!!

If it were up to me, I’d burn your eyes out for your vicious seeing!

If it were up to me, I’d cut your tongues out for your malicious gossiping!

If it were up to me, I’d peel each of you like a fruit and place you in the sun and watch as it enflames you…….

If it were up to me, I’d take your ashes and use it as a symbol for your children and your children’s children…..

If it were up to me…..

But it is not!!!!!

And so,

With your words and your beliefs, you threw me into the dark hole of nothingness!

With your looks, you drowned my personality and left a rock hard, hollow shell!!

So how can I walk uprightly at this point?? How can I walk into the house without bearing shields?

I think you are hypocrites!

I think you are devious little creatures who do not even deserve to eat, even from the very faeces of the devil!

I do not want to enter your house knowing that you stabbed me! If Caesar, Augustus Caesar hadn’t died, you think he’d let Brutus into his house? You think he’d sit with Brutus and enjoy a sanctified meal??

It is not about forgiveness! It is about trust and you shattered the refuge I felt amongst you!

You have spat on me with your acidic spit!

You have strangled my heart with your thorny caresses and your jaggered hugs and silenced the very core of my existence!

I can not yet walk into the fold without drawing my sword, so I choose to stay away for a season because I choose not to wallow in the mud like pigs do! I choose not to be like you!!

But do not think, you have kicked me out! I will return, with my sword at my side, I will return to the fold of hypocrites and liars who believe they are heaven bound!

I will return to watch as you, Sadducees and Pharisees burn from within…..

But as i watch (sigh) let your very breath destroy me so that i may live no longer in sufferance!!!

Ah well. to all, a good night!! Buenas noches! Gute Nacht! Bon soir!

Acquiescence

Before I die…..

Before my body begins to melt into the dust that it came,
my heart would have lost every ounce of life.

But I suppose, that is the definition of true love; being strong enough to have hurt slice through you like a fine blade and still one continues swimming in the gutter that is pregnant with dangerous and deadly substances.

Being so strong, that when your love opens their mouth and daggers begin to fling at every corner of your heart, you do not acknowledge the pain and remember that you do truly love…….

Being so strong, that when they beat upon your heart you can ignore the agony and listen to the music!

Allow them, to spit on you with filthy words and accept their filth with open arms.

Watch their two edged tongue pierce through you and see even your blood dripping with fear and remember that you are bleeding for love…..

Feel the pain…

Savour it!! Allow it to linger a while and remember that even though, even though there is no part of you that does not hurt, it is worth it…….

Worth it?? Yes, worth it!! Do not ask me why; It just is!!!

I think I am strong enough to bare love because what else is there to do?

Wither away in the valley of loneliness?

Get lost in the vast abyss of desperation?

No! I am strong enough to feel the agony of true love and begin to accept it as part of me!!

Thus, I choose to watch my heart as it is bludgeoned to death……In love, true love!!!

Ah well, have a pleasant evening!! गुड बाय! ಗುಡ್ ಬೈ! ഗുഡ് ബൈ! குட் பாய்! ! Arriverderci! Ja ne! Adios! Addii! Au revoir! Adieu! Bye!

Metamorphosis

I must have done something wrong in my childhood to grow up into this person! I must have told a lie or stolen some important secret! I must have done something wrong! Because why else would I hand my heart over to the devil, when I knew he’d molest it, rape it and destroy it!

I remember, one day at the age of eleven, I woke up and I was different! My eyes saw a different complexion, my hearing enhanced and my thoughts were brilliantly coloured! I found beauty in the oddest places and love in the most painful…..

That’s why I did not choose to fall in love with you but that’s why I did! What would be more painful than falling in love with a person you could never have?

Why does one jump into a fire head first unless they believe it is home?

The fire is familiar to me because I transformed my heart into the devil’s armour so long ago. Why not sit upon the throne of raging coal? Why not drink of the searing lava? Why not bathe in the piercing flames? Why not smell as the fire burns through me and transforms me? Why not love you?

The pain….. Sweet pain, causing even my core to tremble! (sigh) This is home!!!..

The purpose of fire is to refine, to purify! So soon I will be refined! Right?

But at the end…

When the flame has died away and my impurities disappear, who will I become? Whose will I be? What will I be without the pain that causes even silence to whimper??


Ah well, have a marvellous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!