Contrition

Pierce through me with a sword and watch me bleed! Bury me and let me no more gasp for breath! Torture me, and let not a sound escape my lips! Poison me and let me die alone! Cover me with hate and watch me shrivel into nothingness! Chop me, slice me and feed me to the dogs and let me not whimper!!

I deserve it all! I deserve it all because my humanity some times causes me to forget! My humanity causes me to become frantic, overwhelmed and stressed!

Yes, indeed I’d like to take on the world! I’d like to heal you from sickness! I’d like to bury your pain in the sea of forgetfulness! But my humanity restricts me! My humanity makes me feel things, think things, regret things!!

I may say I am sorry and I may try with all my heart not to disappoint you again! But chances are, I will forget again! Chances are, I will feel overwhelmed again and I may not remember!

So if you fear a bigger disappointment, pierce me, whip me, kill me and bury me!! I get angry about incompetence but I put little faith in people so I am rarely ever disappointed! But I do know how it feels when I disappoint myself! And I loathe the feeling more than anyone can allow themselves to imagine.

I APOLOGIZE! But then how can you not possibly think, that if it were you, you’d not forget! Even though my excuse was that I had eight classes for the day and I had to take up assembly for the morning! Even though my excuse was that I was stressed out! The point is, I remembered mine, so why did I forget yours???

Do you really think the intent was malicious? If you do, you do not know me well enough! Some things I remember and you’re happy for the moment of remembrance but the things I forget you keep locked in memory!

So with my cramping muscles, my throbbing head, my sore feet, my watery eyes, I apologize and ask not for forgiveness but that you bury the disappointment I have caused you deep within the walls of forgotten or you tip me over into a furnace that will quickly enflame me and thus, I’d have paid for my humanity! Either way, I ask that you do not allow my act of disappointment to fester upon your soul like a decaying sore because soon the filth will begin to infest your being!

Ah well, whatever you do, be blessed and have a good night! Arriverderci!!!

Desired Dementia

How does it feel to go utterly insane? Can one define their emotions? Is insanity an escape from life’s reality? The insane, who hallucinate and see everything with rose petaled glasses (Oh how I envy them) The insane, who walk around living day to day with one specific memory! The insane who vacation at a special childhood experience in their heads! The criminally insane who visualize murder as necessary and thus, don’t feel the guilty stains of regret!

Perhaps if I were insane, I would have a box to place all my bad memories! Perhaps if I were insane, I could stand in the middle of the grounds at the school and scream my head off!

The insane are privileged because they can walk around and do as they please because they have been deemed insane. How rich, I’d feel if I were deemed insane!!! That would give me an excuse to decide to climb up the top floor of any building and fly away or jump off some bridge in search of lifelessness!!

The feelings I have inside are feeding on my very soul because every time you hurt me, and shut me down, I feel so much that words have become null!! You ask me what is wrong and I can not tell you because I hurt, I hurt all over!

If I were insane, I’d not use words!! I’d pull my hair out from the vey roots!! I’d burn my eyes out!! I’d cut my heart out and shred it to pieces!! I’d bang my head against a wall and watch my brains sip through the cracks!!

But, I am not insane, or rather, I have not been labelled as such!! So I have to face the stabs I get by your wordlessness!! I have to endure the pain!!

Why is it so difficult, for me to stay in the memory of cookies and milk on a rainy day, lying on the living room floor under bed sheets with my cousins? If I stay there, I will forget you, the commitments and you, the love and you, my students and you and you and all else!!!

The insane…… So privileged you must be!! Each of you is slumbering in one part of your mind and damn your soul! Damn your emotions whilst I wallow in the reality of my emotional horror!!

Ah well, have an evening filled with goodness!!! Adios!!!!

Self Crucifixion

When did I become the person who relished in aloneness rather than with human contact? I look back and it seems as if who I am now is who I have always been! But there is a distant memory or a dream; of this young girl who loved to laugh, hang out with friends and enjoy life!

Which of the two is really me? I am the person who does not smile much because I think, “what’s the point, you’re going to speak ill about me anyway!” So I do not smile any more and I am not as friendly.

If it happened, that I indeed possessed this affable demeanour, then my mind and heart have been through an absolute transformation in which my trust for people has gone way below zero and my love for them is non-existent!

I find refuge in closing my bedroom door and wandering along life’s journey in my mind. I have come to hate conversations because these more often than not, end up in a quarrel or a friend gossiping about what one may or may not have said.

I feel comfortable in being alone! I feel comfortable knowing that at some point I may die. Some days I lose myself and I smile too long and I have many conversations and later on, in my refuge of silence, I scold myself!

I told my students last week that it was important for them to be nice to everybody because they can not possibly know what the future will bring.. I gave them that piece of advice, not because I believe it but because it could make a few of them, a much better person than I am.

I used to think that I was good, until my love for life and people slowly began to diminish! Perhaps this person I see in my dreams, smiling to all, being funny, always laughing was me! But at some moment, myself separated from me and left this dried up excuse for a human being.

I want that person back but I find it difficult to reunite with her since I have barricaded myself! And if I decided to break down those barricades, I will no longer be safe and that scares me!

So, I will dream until finally this epitome of bliss is crucified by my own soul and all I will be, is what I already am.

Ah well, take care until we meet again! Arriverderci! Adios! Chao! Au revoir! Ja ne!