Self Crucifixion

When did I become the person who relished in aloneness rather than with human contact? I look back and it seems as if who I am now is who I have always been! But there is a distant memory or a dream; of this young girl who loved to laugh, hang out with friends and enjoy life!

Which of the two is really me? I am the person who does not smile much because I think, “what’s the point, you’re going to speak ill about me anyway!” So I do not smile any more and I am not as friendly.

If it happened, that I indeed possessed this affable demeanour, then my mind and heart have been through an absolute transformation in which my trust for people has gone way below zero and my love for them is non-existent!

I find refuge in closing my bedroom door and wandering along life’s journey in my mind. I have come to hate conversations because these more often than not, end up in a quarrel or a friend gossiping about what one may or may not have said.

I feel comfortable in being alone! I feel comfortable knowing that at some point I may die. Some days I lose myself and I smile too long and I have many conversations and later on, in my refuge of silence, I scold myself!

I told my students last week that it was important for them to be nice to everybody because they can not possibly know what the future will bring.. I gave them that piece of advice, not because I believe it but because it could make a few of them, a much better person than I am.

I used to think that I was good, until my love for life and people slowly began to diminish! Perhaps this person I see in my dreams, smiling to all, being funny, always laughing was me! But at some moment, myself separated from me and left this dried up excuse for a human being.

I want that person back but I find it difficult to reunite with her since I have barricaded myself! And if I decided to break down those barricades, I will no longer be safe and that scares me!

So, I will dream until finally this epitome of bliss is crucified by my own soul and all I will be, is what I already am.

Ah well, take care until we meet again! Arriverderci! Adios! Chao! Au revoir! Ja ne!