Desired Dementia

How does it feel to go utterly insane? Can one define their emotions? Is insanity an escape from life’s reality? The insane, who hallucinate and see everything with rose petaled glasses (Oh how I envy them) The insane, who walk around living day to day with one specific memory! The insane who vacation at a special childhood experience in their heads! The criminally insane who visualize murder as necessary and thus, don’t feel the guilty stains of regret!

Perhaps if I were insane, I would have a box to place all my bad memories! Perhaps if I were insane, I could stand in the middle of the grounds at the school and scream my head off!

The insane are privileged because they can walk around and do as they please because they have been deemed insane. How rich, I’d feel if I were deemed insane!!! That would give me an excuse to decide to climb up the top floor of any building and fly away or jump off some bridge in search of lifelessness!!

The feelings I have inside are feeding on my very soul because every time you hurt me, and shut me down, I feel so much that words have become null!! You ask me what is wrong and I can not tell you because I hurt, I hurt all over!

If I were insane, I’d not use words!! I’d pull my hair out from the vey roots!! I’d burn my eyes out!! I’d cut my heart out and shred it to pieces!! I’d bang my head against a wall and watch my brains sip through the cracks!!

But, I am not insane, or rather, I have not been labelled as such!! So I have to face the stabs I get by your wordlessness!! I have to endure the pain!!

Why is it so difficult, for me to stay in the memory of cookies and milk on a rainy day, lying on the living room floor under bed sheets with my cousins? If I stay there, I will forget you, the commitments and you, the love and you, my students and you and you and all else!!!

The insane…… So privileged you must be!! Each of you is slumbering in one part of your mind and damn your soul! Damn your emotions whilst I wallow in the reality of my emotional horror!!

Ah well, have an evening filled with goodness!!! Adios!!!!