Compulsion

Who can properly define love when the twists and turns are so many; so treacherous, painful, yet exhilarating!! What happens when a person decides to open their heart and allow somebody to caress the tenderest point of ones humanity?? There, at the point of touch the person makes the decision to either squeeze the most sensitive and vulnerable part of you to cause you the ultimate degree of pain or they can decide to gently massage your sensitive point until you can not contend with happiness any longer.

It takes a brave person to open up themselves like that and to trust- not knowing whether the one we have chosen, will puncture us or care for us! So why do we do it?? Why do we decide to place such a delicate thing in the hands of another?? Is it that we thrive on pain??? Is it that, we have been socialised into it and thus we know nothing more than to place our most private part into the hand of a human being?? Or is it that the idea of finding that one person to cause overwhelming happiness causes us to continuously hand our heart as if it were a party favour??

It is so difficult to decipher whether the heart is in a protected zone because, in an instant one is the recipient of such an incredible massage that it propels you into an orgasmic euphoria and there, you begin to believe that indeed happiness is possible!! You then become addicted and require more of this drug, so you make more of your heart available (you make yourself even more vulnerable) and that is when you feel the sudden surge of pain!! After you have become comfortable and more trusting- that is when the dagger is thrust into the heart and like a simple inflated balloon being pricked, the very substance that keeps the heart alive begins to slowly dissolve into absolute anguish!

After a season, you feel recuperated and the vicious cycle continues and through the pain, your only hope is that one day the orgasmic euphoria will be everlasting.

Ah well, have a splendid evening!! I bid you adieu! Arriverderci!! Sayonara!!

Smithereens

The golden flames surround me and each attempt I make to escape the fire, I feel the heat closer to my face, my hands, my legs, my entire person….. the fire closes in on me and as it does, my breath becomes strenuous, and my heart begins to beat with such passion in order to escape the very present heat! My eye balls feel dry and thus, my eyes begin to burn and the dryness of my mouth causes my desperate tongue to leap out, hoping for the tiniest drop of life!! The flame snakes even closer to me and there is no specific place that I can hide because a better trap could not have been set. The flames, closer now, hairs begin to burn and I know this, not because of the sweltering heat that seems to suffocate my pores but because the smell of burnt hair in the midst of a fire is over powering. The flames now, uncomfortably close, begin to pierce through my skin as if it were tiny needles being inserted into every inch of my person at the same time. The fire penetrates my legs, my arms, my head and the heat has surrounded me to a point where I cannot properly define my self lest it be together with the callous flames. As the fire envelopes me, I feel the heat melting away at what seems to be just a film of flesh. Then, I feel the heat against my bones and as I begin to transform into ash, I could hear the fire so clearly now, cackling with laughter…..

I would have liked to close my eyes and imagine some one whose love was so much more powerful than the fire, walking right through to save me! I would have imagined this person’s heart burning more potently than the mere fire and as the person sees me being shredded by the monstrous flame, they’d step right into the very soul of the demon and rescue me from its embrace!!

But I have nothing in my possession that resembles rose tinted glasses and my own glass always appears half empty! Thus, I do not expect the self sacrificing love and I do not even pray for it because really, who deserves such love?? If such love were to exist from a being, I would have to negate the philosophy that I have always kept close to me; that all man is selfish and because of that there is nothing they can do that will be more disappointing than their mere humanity. So, after the fire, I will rest in my peaceful grave knowing that I have gone whence I came.

As a falling leaf from some tree, I shall depart from this earth and if, perchance one tear is shed, I say to you, if only for my mother’s I am grateful.

Ah well, Buena noche!!!

Misanthropism

Let me close my eyes and imagine myself riding the folds of the ocean! Let me feel the tender breeze push me against it’s rhythmic pulse and kiss me with the uttermost passion! Let me feel the sun’s rays lull me to a point of peace! Let the oceans roar welcome me and let me forget that life can be the cruellest form of pain.

Let me forget that the overwhelming agony that flows through me is forlornness. Let me feel the wind, rough, now gentle, now rough against my desperate form. Let me get to the climactic point of forgetfulness and like a soothed kitten, let me fall in the arms of positive remembrance…..

Let me remember,

The butterfly kisses along my neck, the soft kisses upon my lips and the desperate need for another whiff of your humanity.

(But then again, our hearts were bulldozed apart and never can the pieces be recovered! Never can that particular moment be rekindled.)

I remember a time of family togetherness; where treasure hunts, family outings, jokes and all these were a normal occurrence. I remember being the crazy one who always found humour in everything. I remember the cousin I grew up with and thought of him as one of my greatest friends, I remember persons I admired in my family, others I could just hang out with and chill out and another one of them I could sit and talk comfortably about life’s sense of humour…… what beautiful memories these are!!!

(But now we have everybody with their own life and with their own families and the person you used to admire is miles and miles away, the closest friend is even further away, the cousin you used to do crazy things with is gone, the ones you used to cook with and play around the house with are out somewhere and the others who remain are too busy with their own lives to notice that you are still around. Families dwindle I suppose, it is a way of moving forward! Friendships become sore! People we love become sick and they die! )

Remembrance does not seem to be pulling me from the grip of sadness but rather it seems to be pushing me further into the death-like hold.

I feel a weakness in my soul and a deep desire to close my eyes! If I close my eyes, I will be permanently placed into the bosom of sleep and I would no longer be part of life’s twisted sense of humour.

We meet new people and we fall in love, but then what’s the point if they are going to move forward and leave you behind? It seems that way to me though, that whilst everybody is mobile, I am the stationary island in the midst of the ocean- waiting for the tiny thrills from the winds attempt at love making..

I am an island!!

Ah well, until we meet again!! Sayonara!! Arriverderci!! Adios!!

Consummation

Last night, I dreamed that I was writing a book and in my fairytale subconscious the book was incredibly well written with the right twists and turns and I even surprised myself. After a few minutes, I slightly shifted from slumber’s embrace and I could still remember what the book was about so I promised myself that when I was fully awake, that I would begin to type up the ingenious information that was over powering my dreams.

However, when I got up this morning, I could not remember what the book was about. Though my desire was there to write, I had lost the gift that had been given so freely yet so sparingly.

It seems that is how life works for us though! We are offered something great, something that could drastically transform our lives for the better and we hesitate! When we hesitate – we blink, we take a moment to consider – as speedily as the gift was revealed, it more quickly disappears.

How many gifts did we allow to slip away from us? How many good ideas did we delay until we forgot what they were?

I remember wanting so many things! I remember these desires being so close that I could literally taste them. But with my hesitations and constant thinking about the pros and cons, these desires, these dreams have gotten away from me.

If I had woken up to write that book, do you think my world would have been different?? Or at least my opinion of myself?? But then again, if I had gotten up, my heightened pessimism would have inhibited my creative juices.

My dreams are drifting away from me and soon I will be one of these people who are permanently drenched with the desire to be bitter.

Let not your dreams, and desires be tiny specks that aimlessly move about the universe! Before the idea is even visible, grab and wait for your transformation! Do not be hesitant and allow things to slip away because when they do, all you have is nothing but a stagnant existence!

But the reception of the dream rocks the boat, even a little and thus makes us more contented!

Some of us are living in this two by four existence and sooner or later we will be suffocated by the desperate need we feel and the lack that is so obviously filthying up our lives.

Do something about it!! Dream! Desire!! And when a speck of light passes your way, grab it so that you can be illuminated and so your life can stop being the rut we all know it is. It is important that we light our hearts up because then it is sustained for another season. Hold on to the light!!

Ah well, have an evening filled with goodness and absolute joy. Adieu!!