Dissolution

Are death and the desire for disappearance synonymous?? I do not believe in taking anyone’s life, not even my own but some days, I long to disappear! Simply vanish from all the hurt!

Does it sound selfish for me to say such a thing? My person is being suffocated with love and then suddenly being deprived of it…. My life is pregnant with hurt, then unimaginable agony…. My life is filled with laughter yet, empty and without form….

Some days, I imagine myself floating away on the waves of a vast ocean and simply feeling the wind caress my face and nature, speaking to me soothingly…. I think I’d like to feel the waves against my healing heart as I slowly travelled along (Perhaps even becoming one with the ocean)! As I travelled, my thoughts would cease to exist and my heart, numb (almost like a balloon floating with the winds; there is no particular direction and not one sudden thought or care in the world)

I do not want to die….

Or maybe I do! But I do not want to take my own life away! Nor do I want it taken away in a treacherous, bloody way! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if death were a vacation from hurt, painful thoughts and a dark soul? But come to think of it, it is…..

I love my friends and family and I need them in my life! But for a little while… Just a little while allow me to disappear from the pain, the sadness, the loud silence, the agonizing non-touches, the scalding non-kisses, the harsh quarrels, the meaningless I love yous and yet, the ones with too much meaning…..

Allow me to flow with the currents, upon the sea of forgetfulness! Lethe, I beg of you let me drink of you so that I may become thoughtless, painless, soul-less…. If only for a moment, grant me sweet forgetfulness and allow me to vanish from all…. Only for a season….

And after the vacation, after the peace, let life’s misery slap me like a lost ghost……

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!