My friend describes birthdays as days that simply reminds a person that they are getting older and thus, birthdays should not be celebrated! I do not agree with that stance! In fact, I believe that birthdays are an accomplishment of sorts because it means you have lived through yet another year!
Oh well, it is my birthday today and I woke up trying already, not to be disappointed! Trying to swallow the feeling of doom that very well nearly choked me! So I woke up and I told myself "Malica, this day is not special, it means nothing! Do not make it mean more than just a usual day would mean to you!" With that in my head, I was fine! I recieved phone calls and text messages all throughout the morning and the conversations were sweet and compassionate! I got the usual Happy Birthday from my family and their tiny tokens of love and appreciation!
That's all good and well! But, it is simply just a day! A long, rainy, unkind day!BUT THEN, I got a very thoughtful gift from my bestfriend and I was indeed happy! My "usual day" theory flew out the window when my friend gave me what i said i wanted (according to her) a looooong time ago.But then, she had to leave to go to her class and I was left behind in the cold heat of the afternoon!
In that moment I thought of calls i did not recieve! Certain persons who would have called me as a ritual, did not! But, did that really matter to me? Certain people who loved me last year, did not love me this year! But did that really matter to me! And so, I allowed the doom to consume and my thoughts began, "This is a special day and I spent it at work!" Then, my head began to hurt as I realised that I would be coming home to nothing but the Television screen and my computer!
My heart began to feel empty or rather, unreal! Sort of like a plastic heart shaped symbol with a bow on top - a gift! But fake, nonetheless! I became sad and then angry! I became sad because I was unhappy about certain things that I dont know I want! In other words, I was sad for the sake of sadness! And then I became angry because I did not know why I was sad and I did not know what exactly I wanted to make the birthday "Happy!"
I was happy when i was with my bestfriend and we were laughing but then, she had to leave! And I became irritated by persons wishing me "Happy Birthday" and I became even more irritated by the fact that i was getting irritated on my birthday!
I sit here very unhappy! Ask me why though, I am not quite sure! Looking back, this happens every year! Give me a party, I will become sad because my space is being invaded! Give me gofts! I will be disappointed that I did not get what i wanted! What did i want? I am never certain!!
Maybe for a birthday, someone can give me real, beating heart gift wrapped! Perhaps this will provide the happiness I so desire on my birthday! I think, birthdays are a celebration of life, why cant I do that? Celebrate my life???
One day, I hope my heart will become real and truly happy on the day I am supposed to celebrate my life!! Ah well, bye bye!! Adios! Arriverderci!!
2 comments:
Happiness is like a butterfly.
If you chase it, it eludes you; but if you turn you attention to other things, it comes quietly and sits softly on your shoulder.
And that thing that your best friend gave you, you really did not say that you wanted that on your birthday?
I was one of those people who saw birthdays as nothing more than another year closer to our deaths. However, now that I'm older and knowing that we will all die anyway, I have started to see my own birthday as another year lived and achieved, just like you.
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