Sundered

Holding hands and being silly! Kissing, you hated but with me, you said you were sharing your soul…

With each kiss, our minds, our bodies and our hearts combined…

Some days, I stand before my class, open my mouth and you leap out…. Certain things I would not do, I do now; because we had become one! A one in which we did not know how to begin and end without the other……

I shared my thoughts, my dreams and you shared yours and then, our dreams became entwined…. You never opened your mouth unless you said “we” or “us” and future plans were made automatically…….

Our entangled hearts were being lifted to the stars as we became us….. It was a beautiful transfiguration and believe it or not, it was my first….. Never had I been anybody but me until you….

I could not define myself without you and you could not without me…..

Blood of my blood….

Flesh of my flesh….

Bone of my bone......

Heart of my heart…..

You and I became us….

Then, a knife sliced through us and I lost me or you, I can not exactly differentiate! I became a lost fragment of some whole!

So I lay in the dark, bloody and confused!! Who am I?? Why am I feeling like part of me was ripped out??

I am healing but I am no longer whole….

Ah well, have a wonderful day! Adios! Adeus! Arriverderci! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!!

Dissolution

Are death and the desire for disappearance synonymous?? I do not believe in taking anyone’s life, not even my own but some days, I long to disappear! Simply vanish from all the hurt!

Does it sound selfish for me to say such a thing? My person is being suffocated with love and then suddenly being deprived of it…. My life is pregnant with hurt, then unimaginable agony…. My life is filled with laughter yet, empty and without form….

Some days, I imagine myself floating away on the waves of a vast ocean and simply feeling the wind caress my face and nature, speaking to me soothingly…. I think I’d like to feel the waves against my healing heart as I slowly travelled along (Perhaps even becoming one with the ocean)! As I travelled, my thoughts would cease to exist and my heart, numb (almost like a balloon floating with the winds; there is no particular direction and not one sudden thought or care in the world)

I do not want to die….

Or maybe I do! But I do not want to take my own life away! Nor do I want it taken away in a treacherous, bloody way! Wouldn’t it be wonderful if death were a vacation from hurt, painful thoughts and a dark soul? But come to think of it, it is…..

I love my friends and family and I need them in my life! But for a little while… Just a little while allow me to disappear from the pain, the sadness, the loud silence, the agonizing non-touches, the scalding non-kisses, the harsh quarrels, the meaningless I love yous and yet, the ones with too much meaning…..

Allow me to flow with the currents, upon the sea of forgetfulness! Lethe, I beg of you let me drink of you so that I may become thoughtless, painless, soul-less…. If only for a moment, grant me sweet forgetfulness and allow me to vanish from all…. Only for a season….

And after the vacation, after the peace, let life’s misery slap me like a lost ghost……

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Healing Heart

What is the word that describes an incident that has gone far beyond memory? Forgotten? No. Further than forgotten. In the past few days, I was able to patch up the pieces of my broken heart with band aids and bandages. You may have considered it, a state of false consciousness, but I was happy. (Sort of)

Throughout this week, my happiness, was to a point, genuine. Then, you asked me to forget a simple thing and I was hurt. I was hurt because to you, it was a simple request but to me, you had further diminished the meaning of our memory.

I chose to disentangle my heart with yours, no matter how agonising and no matter how many scars were visible. I take your words as you fling them, I take your attitude as you asphyxiate me with it! But now, you have the audacity to ask me to forget? When memory is all I have? You want me to forget, passed forgotten!!!! If I close my eyes and ask that one thing never exist then another will vanish until finally, no memory is left.

You asked me to forget so i responded, "Sure, why not forget it all!" and you dare get hurt because of my tone?? If you want me to forget one, why not forget all?? Why not forget the goodmorning kisses?? The sexy talk over the phone? why not forget it all?

But of course I can not. Not a small aspect of memory can be forgotten. Please do not ask me to forget, even passed the point of forgotten. My heart is slowly patching up - the bandages keep the pieces together. But i need the memories, ALL of them! So that I do not forget that inspite of everything, I am still me!

Ah well, have a marvelous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Illusive Heart

We have multitudes of conversations where you speak, and then I, then I cry and then you.... This gets old after a time! Especially since every deep conversation we have is like literally yanking teeth from your mouth.

So after last night, where you expressed yourself enough to say that you missed me and that you hate the fact that I blog about our private business, we closed the chapter on our bitter sweet love that was always expected to be temporary.

Last night was the ending to a very difficult book....

This morning, I awoke from my bed and my wretched broken heart was yanked from within and replaced with a mirage - an image of a painfree, well formed heart. I may have been in a state of euphoria but i refuse to face reality at this point because I am happy!! (sort of)

My heart that was yanked from me seem to be floating in the valley of obsoletism and I can not seem to care! The fact that my heart was yanked from me, has placed me in an absolute state of anesthesia. I hear you speaking to me with your distant, echoing tone, I respond as I move from cloud to cloud... unfeeling, oblivious to anything real! I am in a state of semi-consciousnesss!!

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Bloody Teardrops

I informed my friend that I was being hurt by certain acts that were being performed by them and my dear friend proceeded to inform me that, really, if I were hurt I would be crying by now, so clearly the hurt is null and void. I paraphrased, but that was the essence of the statement.

Am I supposed to believe when you say "I love you?" when your actions clearly state something totally opposite? I expected with the very long conversation we had sometime ago, you would understand when I am being selfless! You would understand the fact, that I care so much, that I'd prefer your health over spending actual time with you. I hope you'd understand me enough to know, that I need you to be hopelessly happy and it affects me, when you are affected. Do you not know how happy it makes me to talk to you? But then again, what is the point of telling you this?!

Today, my error was, I thought of your health and you thought I was brushing you off. My friend, you can not see the external tears, but my heart is overwhelmed with bloody tear drops. These tear drops have burned within me because each acidic drop feels like a two sided dagger rushing through my veins.

Do not think that my external tears has more meaning, than my internal ones. I wish my salty tears would fall from my eyes and roll down my cheeks! I'd feel better. But since the pain comes from deep within, I have no choice but to tear up from within myself! Your words swiftly lash from your mouth and stab at my heart! You want to see the damage you've caused? Look inside me, do not wait for the tears.

Because inside, you will see a chopped up, bloody mess! The heart- my heart, is to the point of non-existence! So one day, I will become more than sad, my tear drops will end and I will become an unemotional, empty shell! Wait for it.... One last stab and I will be done away with....

Ah well, have a wonderful day! Adios! Adeus! Arriverderci! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!!

Flourishing Envy

I sit here, reminiscing about the stolen kisses, the holding hands and the laughing until our sides hurt. These times were exceptional! These days, I was almost certain you were mine! Days we used to spend together, "dates" we used to go on! Remember the restaurant by the beach? No, you would not! You do not dwell in the past!! But those were the days I could have almost admitted that you were mine.

But right now, sitting on the throne of cold reality, I can say that you were never mine! And though you were never really mine, I realized something about myself that made me stop and think...

Though your transition was an easy one, I saw you today, and my heart became a complexion it never had been when I was almost certain you were mine!

Yes, we agreed to change the dynamics of the relationship, and I am so glad that you are happy! But in the process I have totally lost my grasp on "it" - the thing we had that nobody else around had!!

I never expected to lose you and you may not even believe that you are lost to me! But my green heart growing from deep inside the pain I feel, portrays the fact that indeed, I have lost you... (If I have not lost you, I am so intensely threatened by everyone, that I will lose you!)

Yes, we do still laugh but you have pulled away almost everything that makes us, us (So what do I have to hold on to? A small dose of your conditional love?) [Ah those fights that used to make you seem so sexy] and this jealousy that has grown out of my humanity, is not who I am! So, from this moment, I give you up with the hope that at some point, you will notice that I am what you need! But then, if you never return, at least one day, my green heart will wither away and die!

Ah well, have a marvelous evening! Buenas noches! Gute nacht! Bon soir!

Thoughtlessness

With my joints creaking and my shoulders drooping, I sit before my computer feeling that the very life was drained out of me! With my eight teaching periods today, perhaps I have a right to feel exhausted! But it is more than exhaustion! My body feels beaten, haggard - almost too old for the soul that lives within! But really, what is the soul? In the Bible, the soul is synonymous to the breath of life (In the Old Testament the Hebrew word for "soul" is nephesh. Nephesh means "a person," "breath," or "soul" or "life." ) but to human beings it means something totally different!

To most humans, the soul is a living aspect! I have heard such statements as "the body dies, but the soul lives on" So, i figured, why not look up the definition! This is what I found; Soul -
The animating and vital principle in humans, credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often conceived as an immaterial entity.
The spiritual nature of humans, regarded as immortal, separable from the body at death, and susceptible to happiness or misery in a future state.
The disembodied spirit of a dead human.
A human: "the homes of some nine hundred souls" (Garrison Keillor).
The central or integral part; the vital core: A person considered as the perfect embodiment of an intangible quality; A person's emotional or moral nature: A sense of ethnic pride among Black people and especially African Americans, expressed in areas such as language, social customs, religion, and music.
A strong, deeply felt emotion conveyed by a speaker, a performer, or an artist.

Wow, soul is really pregnant with meaning! But then if our soul is the emotional, the moral, the vital core and "the disembodied spirit of the dead" ???? Really???? Then what is the mind?
This is what i got for MIND -
The human consciousness that originates in the brain and is manifested especially in thought, perception, emotion, will, memory, and imagination.
The collective conscious and unconscious processes in a sentient organism that direct and influence mental and physical behavior.
The principle of intelligence; the spirit of consciousness regarded as an aspect of reality.
The faculty of thinking, reasoning, and applying knowledge: Follow your mind, not your heart.
A person of great mental ability

I remember reading somewhere that, the soul is the place where we feel pleasure.
The mind is the place where we calculate how to receive the pleasure. Would it not be easier for us, if we believed that the soul were indeed our breath? Then clearly, the mind would be where the thought processes, the moral aspects, the emotional and all of that occurred!!!

My confusion about the mind and soul began seconds after typing the first few lines!! I was about to state that my very soul felt exhaustion!! But then again (thinking with my mind, here) How could my breath be tired!! So in my effort to tell you how exhausted I am, I have bored you to a point of no return!! But really, my mind is rather drained!

Ah well, good bye! Ciao! Arriverderci! Adeu! Ja ne!

Iced Heart

My friend who was able to switch from Eros to Philia is now as cold as the Arctic! My friend believes that the friendship that was present before the Eros is still there! But I think that my friend is trying so hard with the Phillia love, that it has now become completely frigid.

A few minutes ago, my friend suggested "Malica, I am trying to be nice to you but you are being so difficult!" I informed my dear friend that if they had to "try" then please stop! My friend replied, "You are taking try in the wrong context!" So I decided, okay, perhaps I am taking the word in the wrong context so i decided to look it up; TRY - 1. To make an effort to do or accomplish (something); attempt: OR 2. To taste, sample, or otherwise test in order to determine strength, effect, worth, or desirability

Perhaps I should take it like this, you are determining whether I am still worth the effort, hence the use of try! Or, you think it rather tasking and difficult to be my friend- which was apparently so easy to do last week when you informed me that Eros flew out the window and Philia walked in and took its place! (No sweat)!!

So what other context is there?? Perhaps my friend did not have such an easy transition from Eros to Philia! Or, perhaps still, my friend finds it better to further transform from Phillia to Frigid love! But honestly, when I try being nice, that means that really I am not actually nice! But, perhaps I am taking this out of context! Maybe try has a different meaning! A meaning the dictionary I used, was not familiar with!!

Ah well, Arriverderci!! Adios! Adieu! Sayonara! Au revoir! Ja ne! Addii! Bis Dann!! Hejda! Shalom!! Adeus!

Heart wrenching Day

My friend describes birthdays as days that simply reminds a person that they are getting older and thus, birthdays should not be celebrated! I do not agree with that stance! In fact, I believe that birthdays are an accomplishment of sorts because it means you have lived through yet another year!

Oh well, it is my birthday today and I woke up trying already, not to be disappointed! Trying to swallow the feeling of doom that very well nearly choked me! So I woke up and I told myself "Malica, this day is not special, it means nothing! Do not make it mean more than just a usual day would mean to you!" With that in my head, I was fine! I recieved phone calls and text messages all throughout the morning and the conversations were sweet and compassionate! I got the usual Happy Birthday from my family and their tiny tokens of love and appreciation!

That's all good and well! But, it is simply just a day! A long, rainy, unkind day!BUT THEN, I got a very thoughtful gift from my bestfriend and I was indeed happy! My "usual day" theory flew out the window when my friend gave me what i said i wanted (according to her) a looooong time ago.But then, she had to leave to go to her class and I was left behind in the cold heat of the afternoon!

In that moment I thought of calls i did not recieve! Certain persons who would have called me as a ritual, did not! But, did that really matter to me? Certain people who loved me last year, did not love me this year! But did that really matter to me! And so, I allowed the doom to consume and my thoughts began, "This is a special day and I spent it at work!" Then, my head began to hurt as I realised that I would be coming home to nothing but the Television screen and my computer!

My heart began to feel empty or rather, unreal! Sort of like a plastic heart shaped symbol with a bow on top - a gift! But fake, nonetheless! I became sad and then angry! I became sad because I was unhappy about certain things that I dont know I want! In other words, I was sad for the sake of sadness! And then I became angry because I did not know why I was sad and I did not know what exactly I wanted to make the birthday "Happy!"

I was happy when i was with my bestfriend and we were laughing but then, she had to leave! And I became irritated by persons wishing me "Happy Birthday" and I became even more irritated by the fact that i was getting irritated on my birthday!

I sit here very unhappy! Ask me why though, I am not quite sure! Looking back, this happens every year! Give me a party, I will become sad because my space is being invaded! Give me gofts! I will be disappointed that I did not get what i wanted! What did i want? I am never certain!!

Maybe for a birthday, someone can give me real, beating heart gift wrapped! Perhaps this will provide the happiness I so desire on my birthday! I think, birthdays are a celebration of life, why cant I do that? Celebrate my life???

One day, I hope my heart will become real and truly happy on the day I am supposed to celebrate my life!! Ah well, bye bye!! Adios! Arriverderci!!

Severed Heart

Since our redefinition of friendship (which was actually three weeks ago), my friend informed me that I was loved differently. Apparently since the relationship was redefined, so was the love! This is how it goes, “Before, I had Eros love for you which meant that it was my desire to bed you, but since the change, you are like my sister, so I now have Phillia love for you” and it continued, “Yes Malica, there are different stages of love and I could not be just your friend, if I did not change the way I loved you!” And there is still more “Malica, we can not keep up the same attitudes and behaviours we had in the previous relationship especially since this one is different!”

Now you may not be stunned but I was! In three weeks, love can change so much so that it becomes the brotherly/sisterly kind! I need that kind of power because there is one specific person, I wish I could switch from Phillia to Eros! But how do I do it?? Perhaps it is because I am not as robotic in thinking and feeling as my friend is! In the same breath, the friend continued “I can switch people off, erase them even, but with you, it hurts when I even try!” I am just making a note here dear, but if it were easy enough for you to erase Eros and then replace it with Phillia, why can’t you just erase Phillia as you erased Eros?? :-)

Never is ANYTHING too difficult for you!! You can do it all!! I wish I were so able to erase people! I would erase the many people who consistently hurt me! I would erase my life as it is now!! I would erase certain things in the past that i’d like to forget!

The thing about you is this, that you never really had A relationship if you had two and it was easy to throw away the one that came in second because the first mattered more. But though the first mattered more, you needed the second to keep you sane in brother/sisterly love!

What other choice is there?? I will be your sister and your greatest friend and when I am hungry enough, I will find someone who would not mind me being their “only!”

All rightie then, I must bid you good night! Bonsoir! Buenas Noches! Gute Nacht! J

Drowning in the Mist

What do you do when everything in your life becomes hazy? Thoughts about the future seem so far away and the life you lead four years ago, seem not to be in existence! How do you get back to the real, sharp picture?? At this point, I think my life has been too comfortable! So much so that what i hoped to achieve four years ago, has been lost in a fog! I have lost sight of the person I was so many years ago and it is near impossible to recognize me through all the mist! I may have lost myself... How is one able to find herself or rather shape herself when she is so concerned with the welfare of the persons she has to shape??Can one really shape anything when she is, herself, shapeless?? When does one have time for her own identity, when she is helping others find their own? The free time one would have, she sits and ponders... How do I make this more captivating? How do I make them understand?? In all of this, I am slowly fading...

Or perhaps, I was always this picture fading in the background. Perhaps, it is my destiny to drown in the mist and whilst drowning, give others my breath so they will lead longer, better, more productive lives. But is that really what I want for myself?? I have always been an expressive body... how can I negate that and just fade away??

Or perhaps my fading is a sign that i should take sharper pictures. That i must be concerned with who i am becoming or rather, not becoming! That i must shape my life and my future! That I must not allow things to slowly fade away until finally they do not exist for me!! So, from today, I will attempt to remember that I am going somewhere other than in circles! I am going to remind myself that I am worthy of a future! I will not forgot that I am worth more than disappearing- My personality is worth taking note of!

So, though it maybe rather difficult for me to resurrect from the fog. i am going to make an effort because I am worth knowing! I deserve a fulfilling life- not because I am better than you but because, why not????? Why is it pertinent for any soul or spirit to wither away.. To die away?? There is so much in life to enjoy, so I advise all of you to take a big bite out of life and enjoy! Do not feel unworthy! Do not feel insignificant because your insecurities suggest that you could be outshone. You have your own light, so shine and do not allow the mist to consume you!!!!!

All rightie then!!!! Arriverderci! Adieu! Ciao! Chao!! Adios! Sayonara!! Ja ne!! Bye Bye :-)