Navidad Roto

Christmas has always been my favourite ime of year because of the copious amount of love that exudes from everybody! Christmas, Myia's favourite time :-) She used to buy the biggest gifts to put under the tree and always got us really good expensive gifts! Christmas, for her was about the giving and the love we aall shared....

Myia loved putting up the christmas tree, and then we all had to decorate it together.....that always used to be fun....Then, putting up the christmas lights....lol....Oh gosh....one christmas, Myia lent this huge ladder electricians used and she had me hold this while she dangerously placed lights all around the roof....lol...She was wearing her favourite shorts and vest and doing all sorts of reckless things on that roof....lol...

She made christmas so wonderful for all of us.....she used to get me to sit under the tree with her so she could shake the boxes with her name and guess what they were....most of the time she was right!!...lol

Shopping together was soo much fun! The last christmas, Jnin, Myia and I went shopping and everybody was tryng to evade each other in order to buy gifts and Myia did one over on me:

We entered a store and Mys asked me if i liked a particular bag for Jens. I said i really loved it but it did not look like it could be for Jens! It looks like something i would really love to have. So she put the bag away because clearly it was not "Jen-like"...We got all that we needed at that store and we went to another one! Suddenly Myia cries out in dismay, "i forgot the bags in the other store!!!!" So she leaves Jenin and I and rushes to get the bags she left :-)On christmas day, we wake up very early and get to the tree to begin exchanging gifts. We hand each other our gifts and watch in amusement as they open them. Mys hands me this big box and kisses my cheek! I open my box and literally scream out in absolute delight and surprise- The Bag!!!!!! When she had supposedly left our bags in the other store, she had gone back for the bag! I screamed and shouted and hugged her so tightly....That day, i put all my other gifts in that bag and hauled it around everywhere i went....I think i would have cooked with it too, had she not said "Merls come on give it a break!!" lol

After our exchanging of gifts, Carmeno has to do the turkey, the ham and the fish and then we have to cut, chop, slice, stew and whatever else.....Christmas lunch is always hearty and filling.....After we eat, we hang out, laugh, sleep and just enjoy our time together.....

This happens to us every year and every year, we have fun because Myia is always so exuberant and ecstatic about the day.....

I woke up and it felt "christmassy" and i played christmas carols and cried.....I am dreading this christmas because i will not have the joy of the day....the big boxes under the tree, the harassment for us to go shake the boxes, the celebration....

Some years ago, Jenin was in England; it was the week before she had to come to St Lucia- Myia and I put on christmas hats, climbed the balcony and started singing Celine Dion's the Best of Times Album really loudly - Karaoke style.....lol....that was a crazy night!! lol.....The Flambeauxs were passing and we were singing christmas carols.....lol

Mrs Eugene says to celebrate in memory of her but its so awful because its not even christmas yet and this hole in my heart hurts so much, i feel like dying.....

Myia, i wish i wish i wish with all my heart, that you could be my christmas gift!! I love you so absolutely and i miss you so terribly.....

Happy Holidays Mys!!

Vivo de ilusiones.....

I Hate
Dedicated to Myia A Samuel

I walked out on the blatant sharp image of your form
Absurdly thinking that you’d be gone

I married a land where we shared no moments
A place to escape the memories

But I sit under this tree at Brandon’s Beach-
A place we did not share

I stare-

at rain drops falling

I stare through the shads of water
And I see your face-

Laughing because we ate pizza on a beach like this

Filled with pride because I graduated from Secondary School

Smirking because you pasted my face with flour or toothpaste

Jeering because we wrestled and you won

Making faces to make me laugh

Asleep as your fingers travel through my hair

Smiling because you ate from my plate when I was not looking

I see you teaching me to write,

Helping me with school work…..

It seems,

The memories followed me here…

The hurt I could not bear-

Forsook me not….

The pain cripples

My tears…..the rain dribbles

Blood streams down my face
I grab, scratch and show no grace
I scream from the depth of my state
I hate I hate I hate!

Mys i cannot stop thinking about you...... the memories dont cease and the sadness is persistent.....At nights i dream of you laughing and alive and every morning, i regret being awake because i have the need to be with you, to hear your laugh and to hear your jokes- i hear you and see you in my dreams.....if only i could keep dreaming on for eternity.....if only.....sigh

I love you always
Merl

Retorcerse de dolor......

The Loss of you
Dedicated to Myia A Samuel


Drown me in the ocean of anguish
That my hurt may be relinquished
And though I gasp in agony for breath
Let it be my death
For there is nothing as agonising as the loss of you

Stray bullets that dart?
Let them finally settle in my heart-
Tear through skin
Pierce through my heart film
For there is no pain that hurts more than the loss of you

Daggers aimed?
I beg you, do not miss
Slice me, cut me……let them maim
Let my blood sip from each gash
For there is no greater wound than the loss of you

Clasp your hand round my neck
Pores pant and perspire
Mock my desperation
Let my life retire
For who needs life with the loss of you?

Dead you are?
Dead I should be!

Dust you shall become?
Dust I should become!

For who can live with the loss of you?


It is three months today since you’ve been gone and the pain is ever present and unending! I miss you and I love you even through death!!

Love
Merl

Memoria

Remember

Dedicated to Myia A Samuel



Once, there was a beautiful pearl,
Who painted pictures
Of flowers, hills, beaches and faces……
Do you remember?

Once, there was a gem
Whose voice was sweeter than any…..
Her voice fell upon ears like honey to an ailing throat
Do you remember?

I remember!

I remember, this rose different from all the others –
Her thorns pointed inwardly and so she exposed her humanity shamelessly
And loved unconditionally
Do you remember?

I remember this bird,
Flying upon each tree with genuine curiosity
Who mingled with danger just for experience
Who flirted with evil just for a second!
Whose curiosity heightened with each new moment…..
Do you remember?

I remember this care free spirit,
Climbing coconut trees, cutting her finger
Racing on the streets
Listening to contrary music
Jumping off cliffs fully dressed to experience the ocean
Thoughtfully carrying on with nature
Do you remember?

Do you remember a busy body
Who woke at dawn to go off to work
And who worked whilst everyone was asleep
The picture of dedication, determination and hard work!
Do you remember?

Hard worker yes!
But do you remember those gifts at Christmas?
The excitement in her eyes?
Shaking each gift with marvel?

Do you remember my birthday? Yours?
She made them special! She made them worth waiting for!

Do you remember the conversations?
Do you remember the laughter?
The joy we felt?
Do you remember the things she did,
That would drive a mad man crazy?
Do you remember the advice she gave?
Do you remember??

If I remember,
If you remember
If we remember
Then she can not be forgotten…..
If we remember, she will remain a part of each new moment……each new memory
She will grow with us…..
So remember, to keep her alive……remember

Another letter

Dear Myia,

I hurt today, just like I did on 21st April! I hurt today because I had something to tell you and I couldn’t wait to call and then I remembered; and the news came just like it did that night! My heart began to feel heavy, my tears could not stop rolling down my cheeks! I do not measure other people’s love for you and determine how much I should hurt or cry! I just know I love you and I just know that although I told you I loved you the last time we spoke, I miss you…..

I said some things out loud tonight! Some things that I was feeling but could not say (I said them) and I do not feel better but I remember you and I am willing…….

I may not tonight, but Mys I am willing to pray……

I hope you knew how much I love you, how much I admire you and how I’d give my very life to sustain yours!!

I love you Mys and I am willing……

Always and forever
Merlie

To Myia

Dear Mys,

Though it was abnormal not to get an email from you; I did not receive one on the morning of Tuesday 21st May 2009. I gave this not a second thought, thinking that you were just busy! Throughout the day when we did not hear from you, I prayed to God begging him, pleading with him because although I felt something was wrong in my heart, I did not want to acknowledge it… {you were fine, your phone, your laptop were all stolen…you were fine….}

Shock is not something a person can explain in words but when I found out the first love of my life died, I felt electricity pass through me, I felt my mind begin to go blank and I felt pain- pain, I can not begin to describe with trivial words….. Myia, my first love who taught me to do EVERYTHING… who taught me Spanish before I entered a secondary school, taught me poems from the Sunsong that she’d learned at the Convent…. The person who helped me with my project in Standard 4 on Vertebrates! The person who read Biology to me and taught me to play Chess…. The person who taught me to climb trees, to play basketball and table tennis…. The person who brought me on the most fun adventures…. The person who taught me to write (even that I can remember)…. The person who wanted me to be the best I could be and encouraged me to write….. the person who taught me that a little crazy was okay…. The person I’d call if I were having a bad day…. The person who I’d sleep next to for so much of my childhood… the person I gorged on chocolate and ice cream with… the person who taught me about make up, who stayed up late to watch movies with me… the person who wanted me to take care of myself…. The person who taught me to be ME…. THAT PERSON DIED??????

I learned my person died and I lost all sense of reality because I could not wrap my mind around the fact that YOU were dead because that would mean no more weird IMs to make me laugh, no more emails on the mornings and evenings, no more skype! This would mean I lost a faithful reader of my blog! This would mean that life has literally taken the breath that sustained me….

And so, my shock transformed into moments of insanity where I tried to hurt myself – and I know you would strongly oppose this because I am always supposed to take care of myself for you! But then I had no reason to do so because you died!!! I lost my favourite person who would never judge but tell me the truth in spite of my hurt and pig headedness.

My pain transposed into anger at God and I felt so much and I still do feel that you could still be at school text messaging, emailing and IMing but you’re not because our just God allowed you to be taken away……

Anger has never consumed me as much as this Mys and I can not let go of it and I know what you would say but I’d like to hear it from your lips!! I’d like you to reprimand me! I’d like you to send me more hairstyles from you tube so I would get styles to comb my hair! I want you to just send me songs and tell me to listen to them and say you’re going to stop sending but listen to one more, and then, just one more……

Life changes meaning when such a big chunk of it is taken away… Simple things have changed and so have the bigger things…. Food does not taste the same any more…. The job I used to love seems like a heavy burden I need to get rid of… my level of tolerance has dissipated…. My favourite colour has changed… my heart has changed and the music I listen to have changed…… Life for me makes no sense and God, I am angry at!!

Some days my mind does not work as it should and if you were here you would help me with that just as you helped me with everything else… it took such exactitude when God made the decision to bless our family, to bless me with you so that I could have a confidante who is irreplaceable! I would and I am forever willing to die for you! I wanted to kill anyone who hurt you but you were so good, so utterly forgiving and so contrary to human nature that you would tell me to let it go because you do not want to hold grudges because they were futile! I can not believe you are dead and it is almost a month……

People want it to be easy for us to get over you! But that shows that they did not know you because if they did, they would know the big impression you make on a heart when you tell people you love them everyday and when you make people laugh to a point of tears! My heart is weighing down and I know I need to move on but how is it possible?? Would it not be better if I passed and allowed you to keep on living? Mys you were such a beautiful person inside and out and though I am so wounded, so traumatised that you are gone, I know I told you I loved you and I know I told you, you mean the world to me and the small things you did made me happy, like emailing a picture of a canal thinking that I would love it!! You know me so well! You knew my sad face, my happy face, my smiles and my frowns….

How is it possible for me to live without the very definition of me? Who am I suppose to call? Who am I suppose to tell about my dreams? Whose opinions am I suppose to take with no questions? Myia, once you said it, I believed it because you were always the hero in my book…… Who can know me as you do?? I have no life support! I’ve lost my ventilator! I can not keep breathing… I can’t….

I do not know in what tense to write you because in my heart you are alive and well and I see you and hear you laughing but then there is this one memory of you lying in a casket that contradicts the living, breathing person in my heart!! I hate that you are dead!!!!!! I HATE THAT YOU ARE DEAD!!!!!!!!! HOW COULD YOU DIE WITHOUT ME????? HOW COULD YOU DIE??????????????

I will never forget you and I will love you always
Merls

I am Afraid!!

What time of day does a thief break into a house? I think it more plausible that if their intent is to steal, they’d probably show up during the day(the time of day) when they believe the house to be empty.

What kind of person then tries to break into a house when every living soul is definitely within the walls asleep in slumber’s embrace?? A rapist? A murderer? A mad man?

Last night, after devotion, I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I was deep in the arms of sleep when suddenly something – something non-human asked me to get up with urgency. Someone was at my window trying to get in and though my humanity assumed that it was just my mother trying to get me to open the door for her, something else told me to get off the bed.

I rushed off the bed and never had I been so afraid. The fear was not because of the fact that there was someone at my window (there were bars of course). The fear was derived from this question, at midnight, what was the person’s objective?

A thief comes in when the house is empty because their intention is to steal but who comes in when the house is filled?? Who comes in at midnight?? A murderer?? A rapist? A mad man??
That is what caused my fear because due to the bars which cover my window, no one can enter but what kind of man would try??

I got off the bed and I went to sleep somewhere else after we established that the person I heard was indeed trying to get in. I could not close my eyes because I kept thinking; Who comes to a house filled with people?? Faces kept flashing in my head and because I could not make assumptions, everyone provoked fear within me!.

From then, not knowing the individual’s aim has paralyzed me with fear!!

A thief would come into a house to steal so it is practical that he’d come when the house is empty! What kind of person tries to enter a house pregnant with life?? A murderer? A rapist?? A mad man??

I am consumed with fear!!

Ah well, have a wonderful day and be blessed!! Sayonara!

Mental Diplopia

I sit upon an ocean of remembrance and I seem to be having memories of a person who appears to be me but can not be. Each memory flashes in my mind and sadness overcomes me. But I am not certain as to why. {These are memories but I can not remember them}

The memories are there but I can not attach my person with the pictures in my head. I know I am supposed to feel sad due to the profound emotion that these pictures compel but I do not know why!!

I can clearly remember my life as Malica, the daughter of Michael and Juliana. It is possible for me to give an extensive piece on my life from three years to the present. I know this person and I can connect with her.

But these photographs that have suddenly transformed my countenance into sorrow have nothing to do with what I can remember as me. They can not be thoughts because at that specific moment I was in a state of thoughtlessness; thinking of nothing when suddenly flashes of memory or thought began to take hold of my mind.

How exactly does that happen? Is there such a thing as past lives? And if there is, do past and present, at some point, meet??

A memory can be defined as a past experience that can be recalled or a fact that was learned being remembered. So can I really call the images in my head memories?? They certainly did not happen in this life (I think) What exactly do I call them then?? Thoughts?? Thought can be defined as an idea or notion, therefore I can not characterise these things as thoughts either!!

Does memory really exist if what one remembers never existed{to her}?? Can thinking be recognised as an act of ones own doing if flashes or pictures appear in ones head without the desire to “think”?

Ah well, have an awesome day and be blessed!! Arriverderci!!

Consequence

I am standing at the edge of my mind and I can already see my fate:

I will be judged, found wanting and then I will be condemned. I will be imprisoned in the arms of the most treacherous flame and I will feel each degree of pain as the fire slowly, very slowly destroys the evidence of wretchedness.

As I stand at the brink of my mind, I see this and though it pains me to look at, I accept this as my fate! A well deserving one!
.

Ah well, have a magnificent day!!! Arriverderci!!

Compulsion

Who can properly define love when the twists and turns are so many; so treacherous, painful, yet exhilarating!! What happens when a person decides to open their heart and allow somebody to caress the tenderest point of ones humanity?? There, at the point of touch the person makes the decision to either squeeze the most sensitive and vulnerable part of you to cause you the ultimate degree of pain or they can decide to gently massage your sensitive point until you can not contend with happiness any longer.

It takes a brave person to open up themselves like that and to trust- not knowing whether the one we have chosen, will puncture us or care for us! So why do we do it?? Why do we decide to place such a delicate thing in the hands of another?? Is it that we thrive on pain??? Is it that, we have been socialised into it and thus we know nothing more than to place our most private part into the hand of a human being?? Or is it that the idea of finding that one person to cause overwhelming happiness causes us to continuously hand our heart as if it were a party favour??

It is so difficult to decipher whether the heart is in a protected zone because, in an instant one is the recipient of such an incredible massage that it propels you into an orgasmic euphoria and there, you begin to believe that indeed happiness is possible!! You then become addicted and require more of this drug, so you make more of your heart available (you make yourself even more vulnerable) and that is when you feel the sudden surge of pain!! After you have become comfortable and more trusting- that is when the dagger is thrust into the heart and like a simple inflated balloon being pricked, the very substance that keeps the heart alive begins to slowly dissolve into absolute anguish!

After a season, you feel recuperated and the vicious cycle continues and through the pain, your only hope is that one day the orgasmic euphoria will be everlasting.

Ah well, have a splendid evening!! I bid you adieu! Arriverderci!! Sayonara!!

Smithereens

The golden flames surround me and each attempt I make to escape the fire, I feel the heat closer to my face, my hands, my legs, my entire person….. the fire closes in on me and as it does, my breath becomes strenuous, and my heart begins to beat with such passion in order to escape the very present heat! My eye balls feel dry and thus, my eyes begin to burn and the dryness of my mouth causes my desperate tongue to leap out, hoping for the tiniest drop of life!! The flame snakes even closer to me and there is no specific place that I can hide because a better trap could not have been set. The flames, closer now, hairs begin to burn and I know this, not because of the sweltering heat that seems to suffocate my pores but because the smell of burnt hair in the midst of a fire is over powering. The flames now, uncomfortably close, begin to pierce through my skin as if it were tiny needles being inserted into every inch of my person at the same time. The fire penetrates my legs, my arms, my head and the heat has surrounded me to a point where I cannot properly define my self lest it be together with the callous flames. As the fire envelopes me, I feel the heat melting away at what seems to be just a film of flesh. Then, I feel the heat against my bones and as I begin to transform into ash, I could hear the fire so clearly now, cackling with laughter…..

I would have liked to close my eyes and imagine some one whose love was so much more powerful than the fire, walking right through to save me! I would have imagined this person’s heart burning more potently than the mere fire and as the person sees me being shredded by the monstrous flame, they’d step right into the very soul of the demon and rescue me from its embrace!!

But I have nothing in my possession that resembles rose tinted glasses and my own glass always appears half empty! Thus, I do not expect the self sacrificing love and I do not even pray for it because really, who deserves such love?? If such love were to exist from a being, I would have to negate the philosophy that I have always kept close to me; that all man is selfish and because of that there is nothing they can do that will be more disappointing than their mere humanity. So, after the fire, I will rest in my peaceful grave knowing that I have gone whence I came.

As a falling leaf from some tree, I shall depart from this earth and if, perchance one tear is shed, I say to you, if only for my mother’s I am grateful.

Ah well, Buena noche!!!

Misanthropism

Let me close my eyes and imagine myself riding the folds of the ocean! Let me feel the tender breeze push me against it’s rhythmic pulse and kiss me with the uttermost passion! Let me feel the sun’s rays lull me to a point of peace! Let the oceans roar welcome me and let me forget that life can be the cruellest form of pain.

Let me forget that the overwhelming agony that flows through me is forlornness. Let me feel the wind, rough, now gentle, now rough against my desperate form. Let me get to the climactic point of forgetfulness and like a soothed kitten, let me fall in the arms of positive remembrance…..

Let me remember,

The butterfly kisses along my neck, the soft kisses upon my lips and the desperate need for another whiff of your humanity.

(But then again, our hearts were bulldozed apart and never can the pieces be recovered! Never can that particular moment be rekindled.)

I remember a time of family togetherness; where treasure hunts, family outings, jokes and all these were a normal occurrence. I remember being the crazy one who always found humour in everything. I remember the cousin I grew up with and thought of him as one of my greatest friends, I remember persons I admired in my family, others I could just hang out with and chill out and another one of them I could sit and talk comfortably about life’s sense of humour…… what beautiful memories these are!!!

(But now we have everybody with their own life and with their own families and the person you used to admire is miles and miles away, the closest friend is even further away, the cousin you used to do crazy things with is gone, the ones you used to cook with and play around the house with are out somewhere and the others who remain are too busy with their own lives to notice that you are still around. Families dwindle I suppose, it is a way of moving forward! Friendships become sore! People we love become sick and they die! )

Remembrance does not seem to be pulling me from the grip of sadness but rather it seems to be pushing me further into the death-like hold.

I feel a weakness in my soul and a deep desire to close my eyes! If I close my eyes, I will be permanently placed into the bosom of sleep and I would no longer be part of life’s twisted sense of humour.

We meet new people and we fall in love, but then what’s the point if they are going to move forward and leave you behind? It seems that way to me though, that whilst everybody is mobile, I am the stationary island in the midst of the ocean- waiting for the tiny thrills from the winds attempt at love making..

I am an island!!

Ah well, until we meet again!! Sayonara!! Arriverderci!! Adios!!

Consummation

Last night, I dreamed that I was writing a book and in my fairytale subconscious the book was incredibly well written with the right twists and turns and I even surprised myself. After a few minutes, I slightly shifted from slumber’s embrace and I could still remember what the book was about so I promised myself that when I was fully awake, that I would begin to type up the ingenious information that was over powering my dreams.

However, when I got up this morning, I could not remember what the book was about. Though my desire was there to write, I had lost the gift that had been given so freely yet so sparingly.

It seems that is how life works for us though! We are offered something great, something that could drastically transform our lives for the better and we hesitate! When we hesitate – we blink, we take a moment to consider – as speedily as the gift was revealed, it more quickly disappears.

How many gifts did we allow to slip away from us? How many good ideas did we delay until we forgot what they were?

I remember wanting so many things! I remember these desires being so close that I could literally taste them. But with my hesitations and constant thinking about the pros and cons, these desires, these dreams have gotten away from me.

If I had woken up to write that book, do you think my world would have been different?? Or at least my opinion of myself?? But then again, if I had gotten up, my heightened pessimism would have inhibited my creative juices.

My dreams are drifting away from me and soon I will be one of these people who are permanently drenched with the desire to be bitter.

Let not your dreams, and desires be tiny specks that aimlessly move about the universe! Before the idea is even visible, grab and wait for your transformation! Do not be hesitant and allow things to slip away because when they do, all you have is nothing but a stagnant existence!

But the reception of the dream rocks the boat, even a little and thus makes us more contented!

Some of us are living in this two by four existence and sooner or later we will be suffocated by the desperate need we feel and the lack that is so obviously filthying up our lives.

Do something about it!! Dream! Desire!! And when a speck of light passes your way, grab it so that you can be illuminated and so your life can stop being the rut we all know it is. It is important that we light our hearts up because then it is sustained for another season. Hold on to the light!!

Ah well, have an evening filled with goodness and absolute joy. Adieu!!

Contrition

Pierce through me with a sword and watch me bleed! Bury me and let me no more gasp for breath! Torture me, and let not a sound escape my lips! Poison me and let me die alone! Cover me with hate and watch me shrivel into nothingness! Chop me, slice me and feed me to the dogs and let me not whimper!!

I deserve it all! I deserve it all because my humanity some times causes me to forget! My humanity causes me to become frantic, overwhelmed and stressed!

Yes, indeed I’d like to take on the world! I’d like to heal you from sickness! I’d like to bury your pain in the sea of forgetfulness! But my humanity restricts me! My humanity makes me feel things, think things, regret things!!

I may say I am sorry and I may try with all my heart not to disappoint you again! But chances are, I will forget again! Chances are, I will feel overwhelmed again and I may not remember!

So if you fear a bigger disappointment, pierce me, whip me, kill me and bury me!! I get angry about incompetence but I put little faith in people so I am rarely ever disappointed! But I do know how it feels when I disappoint myself! And I loathe the feeling more than anyone can allow themselves to imagine.

I APOLOGIZE! But then how can you not possibly think, that if it were you, you’d not forget! Even though my excuse was that I had eight classes for the day and I had to take up assembly for the morning! Even though my excuse was that I was stressed out! The point is, I remembered mine, so why did I forget yours???

Do you really think the intent was malicious? If you do, you do not know me well enough! Some things I remember and you’re happy for the moment of remembrance but the things I forget you keep locked in memory!

So with my cramping muscles, my throbbing head, my sore feet, my watery eyes, I apologize and ask not for forgiveness but that you bury the disappointment I have caused you deep within the walls of forgotten or you tip me over into a furnace that will quickly enflame me and thus, I’d have paid for my humanity! Either way, I ask that you do not allow my act of disappointment to fester upon your soul like a decaying sore because soon the filth will begin to infest your being!

Ah well, whatever you do, be blessed and have a good night! Arriverderci!!!

Desired Dementia

How does it feel to go utterly insane? Can one define their emotions? Is insanity an escape from life’s reality? The insane, who hallucinate and see everything with rose petaled glasses (Oh how I envy them) The insane, who walk around living day to day with one specific memory! The insane who vacation at a special childhood experience in their heads! The criminally insane who visualize murder as necessary and thus, don’t feel the guilty stains of regret!

Perhaps if I were insane, I would have a box to place all my bad memories! Perhaps if I were insane, I could stand in the middle of the grounds at the school and scream my head off!

The insane are privileged because they can walk around and do as they please because they have been deemed insane. How rich, I’d feel if I were deemed insane!!! That would give me an excuse to decide to climb up the top floor of any building and fly away or jump off some bridge in search of lifelessness!!

The feelings I have inside are feeding on my very soul because every time you hurt me, and shut me down, I feel so much that words have become null!! You ask me what is wrong and I can not tell you because I hurt, I hurt all over!

If I were insane, I’d not use words!! I’d pull my hair out from the vey roots!! I’d burn my eyes out!! I’d cut my heart out and shred it to pieces!! I’d bang my head against a wall and watch my brains sip through the cracks!!

But, I am not insane, or rather, I have not been labelled as such!! So I have to face the stabs I get by your wordlessness!! I have to endure the pain!!

Why is it so difficult, for me to stay in the memory of cookies and milk on a rainy day, lying on the living room floor under bed sheets with my cousins? If I stay there, I will forget you, the commitments and you, the love and you, my students and you and you and all else!!!

The insane…… So privileged you must be!! Each of you is slumbering in one part of your mind and damn your soul! Damn your emotions whilst I wallow in the reality of my emotional horror!!

Ah well, have an evening filled with goodness!!! Adios!!!!

Self Crucifixion

When did I become the person who relished in aloneness rather than with human contact? I look back and it seems as if who I am now is who I have always been! But there is a distant memory or a dream; of this young girl who loved to laugh, hang out with friends and enjoy life!

Which of the two is really me? I am the person who does not smile much because I think, “what’s the point, you’re going to speak ill about me anyway!” So I do not smile any more and I am not as friendly.

If it happened, that I indeed possessed this affable demeanour, then my mind and heart have been through an absolute transformation in which my trust for people has gone way below zero and my love for them is non-existent!

I find refuge in closing my bedroom door and wandering along life’s journey in my mind. I have come to hate conversations because these more often than not, end up in a quarrel or a friend gossiping about what one may or may not have said.

I feel comfortable in being alone! I feel comfortable knowing that at some point I may die. Some days I lose myself and I smile too long and I have many conversations and later on, in my refuge of silence, I scold myself!

I told my students last week that it was important for them to be nice to everybody because they can not possibly know what the future will bring.. I gave them that piece of advice, not because I believe it but because it could make a few of them, a much better person than I am.

I used to think that I was good, until my love for life and people slowly began to diminish! Perhaps this person I see in my dreams, smiling to all, being funny, always laughing was me! But at some moment, myself separated from me and left this dried up excuse for a human being.

I want that person back but I find it difficult to reunite with her since I have barricaded myself! And if I decided to break down those barricades, I will no longer be safe and that scares me!

So, I will dream until finally this epitome of bliss is crucified by my own soul and all I will be, is what I already am.

Ah well, take care until we meet again! Arriverderci! Adios! Chao! Au revoir! Ja ne!